"You will break me, and there will be nothing left for either of you"
Elena's words hung in the air between them for long minutes, the certainty of her assertion as clear as glass to Damon in this moment. This was what the nightmare had meant, what his subconscious had been trying to tell him tonight - - the Elena he loved was disappearing. She was losing herself and it was his fault.
"This whole collateral-damage-be-damned approach, it hurts me." Elena continued, taking a step toward him as she spoke, her eyes imploring him to listen to her "It breaks me down a piece at a time. One day you will go too far and I won't be able to bounce back from it. You will kill the person that I am now and all that will be left is an empty shell"
Neither of them spoke for several moments as her implication settled uncomfortably around them both. Damon wanted to argue with her, to tell her that saving her life mattered above all else, but suddenly he wasn't certain anymore. He found himself forced to admit that he'd never given much thought to the fact that Elena might hate anyone besides him for his numerous crimes against humanity. He'd certainly never considered the possibility that she would hate herself for his actions, it was such a foolishly human thing to do.
Elena felt better as she continued to speak, stronger suddenly than she had in months as she laid it all on the line "You are being SO selfish right now" she accused "You aren't thinking of me at all, of what I need, you're only thinking of yourself and the pain that you would feel if something happened to me."
Damon swallowed hard at her words, the truth behind them stinging just a little as he realized just how well she had come to know him. Elena was right, he couldn't bare the thought of losing her, even if she had never been his at all. Long ago Katherine had damaged something inside of him with her brand of "love". Katherine had made him scared to feel at all, and when he'd finally decided to risk that emotion again after so many years, he'd discovered that his fear of losing that love again was now his deepest abiding terror.
Elena could see by his reaction that she was finally getting through to him, she could see the realization dawning in Damon's eyes - - they were like a storming sea right now, dangerous and beautiful at the same time as a thousand thoughts swirled within their clear blue depths like a tempest. Taking a deep breath to steady herself, Elena continued.
"What if you're my Katherine?" she asked, careful to keep her voice soft as she spoke, her eyes tearing involuntarily again, even as she tried to remain strong and see this through to the bitter end "Damon, what if you were the one who changes everything, the one who destroys me in the end?"
Pain flashed behind his ice blue eyes, bubbling to the surface so deep and so powerful that his usual defenses couldn't hide it from her. Damon knew that Elena could see every emotion as their sudden rush to the surface of his usually controlled demeanor threatened to overwhelm him, the agony her words had caused, the agony those words had caused him. But she didn't look away, she didn't try to explain or soften the blow this time like she had at the Original's ball - - she had done it on purpose.
Elena had hurt him a hundred times since he'd met her, but this was different, it was the first time she had intended to. She meant it this time, she meant to cut him, nothing could be worse than comparing him to Katherine, the selfish witch who had condemned him to an eternity of misery simply for her own amusement. Damon took a step backwards, needing the physical distance between them right now, trying to shield himself from the pain of her emotional onslaught.
"Would you be able to live with that?" Elena continued, taking a step forward as he retreated, she wouldn't let him run away - he needed to feel everything that he'd been making her feel, all of the pain and the helplessness, he needed to understand what he was doing to her "Because if not, you will destroy us both."
Damon flinched visibly as she approached, the urge to defend himself, to make her stop, overwhelming him temporarily. With lightening-fast speed, he grabbed Elena by the shoulders, swinging them around and pinning her bodily to the nearest tree. She didn't struggle or fight to get away, she didn't even look scared as he leaned into her, pressing her into the rough bark with his body, anger and pain flashing in his eyes, darkening them to pitch-black now.
Damon's anger was a terrifying thing and Elena had seen it very infrequently if at all in the past, but she had known it was coming now, known her words would hurt him and she wasn't scared of him in this moment, in her heart she knew that he would never raise a hand against her.
"You should know better than to wound me by now" he warned, his voice dangerously low "I do not react well to pain"
"I remember" she promised, her voice taking on a newly cold edge as she turned the knife, deliberately pushing him farther "Jeremy remembers too"
Damon stilled for a moment, remembering the sound of terror and heartache in Elena's voice as he'd snapped Jeremy's neck in her bedroom that night when Katherine rejected him, remembering the way she'd looked at him as he'd left. For a second he couldn't breathe at the memory. He had gotten so lucky that Jeremy had been wearing the ring. For someone who believed that regrets were a waste of time, Damon regretted that night above all the other crimes he'd committed in his lifetime. His love for Katherine had taken him to some very dark places over the decades, but that had been the worst. He had never intended to cause Elena the kind of pain that Katherine had caused him, it had honestly never occurred to him that he could.
Shaking his head Damon took a step back, releasing Elena from his menacing grasp as he suddenly understood the fundamental flaw in her accusation - - he couldn't be her Katherine. Katherine had possessed the power to break him because he had loved her so deeply, Stefan was the one who held that power over Elena because he was the one who held her heart, and that was the cruelest cut of all.
In retrospect, maybe Damon had taken advantage of that fact, used it as an excuse to be brutal because he knew it would injure her less coming from him than it would coming from Stefan, her white knight.
Damon loved his brother, even when they'd hated each other, he'd loved him still. But he hadn't turned Abby tonight in order to protect Stefan, he'd done it to protect Elena from the pain of losing his brother to an ever-spiraling pit of guilt and recrimination.
If Elena wanted him to stop hurting her, to stop killing people to protect her from Klaus, he could do that. Damon could leave town, he could turn off his emotions again and walk away from Mystic Falls and Elena forever, if that's what she wanted. She was right, he had been selfish - hanging around town, pretending he could be the better man for her, pretending that he could ever deserve her love - - it was hurting them both. Nothing had ever wounded him quite as much as daring to hope he had a chance with her the past few months had. That false hope was far worse than knowing it would always be Stefan had ever been.
Elena could almost swear that she actually felt Damon start to slip away from her. She was watching him intently, trying to read his constantly shifting mood, trying to decipher what was going on in his head, he seemed to have made a decision of some kind. Finally, she simply asked him "What are you thinking right now?"
Damon looked up at her words, finding her disheveled and bruised after he'd man-handled her yet again, leaning up against the tree where he'd left her, her strength hanging by a thread. If Elena wanted him to stop, he would stop - he would stop coddling her, he would stop loving her, he would make it a clean break.
"I was just remembering the sound Abby's neck made when it snapped." he chirped, smirking as her body took an involuntary shudder "You have no idea how satisfying that crackling sound can be" he explained cruelly, reveling in the freedom that being an irredeemable bastard again allowed him.
Elena tried to steel herself, she'd known he would fight back, but she had blanched visibly at his words, she couldn't help herself even though she knew he was merely trying to hurt her now. It only took her a second to regain her composure however, she was becoming an expert at diverting Damon's cruel defense mechanisms.
"Liar" she accused, calling his bluff, she knew from his response that she had finally gotten through to him, Damon was trying to let her go right now, it's what he thought she wanted him to do "You were thinking that I'm right about this." she said certainly
Elena kept pushing forward, narrowing the space between them quickly as she stood right in front of him, looking up at him, meeting his eyes and daring him to lie to her again.
"You don't know what you're talking about" Damon answered, his voice low and dangerous as he met her gaze reluctantly "Katherine broke me because I loved her too much" he insisted, pain and resignation in his voice "As long as you're in love with Stefan, I'll never be able to hurt you that way"
Elena simply stared back at him, holding his gaze steadily but saying nothing. She should have told him sooner than this, she shouldn't have fought him for so long. She'd thought she was protecting them both and now she realized it had been a mistake. Her eyes filled with unshed tears once again as he looked down upon her, the unspoken words clear in her eyes for the first time as he took the time to actually hear her.
"And if I'm not in love with Stefan anymore?" Elena finally whispered
Damon swallowed hard, his anger dissipating in favor of an altogether new and far more dangerous emotion - hope. He looked away for a moment, down at the ground, up into the sky, and finally when he could no longer stand it, back at her face. Elena just returned his gaze patiently, waiting for him to understand her meaning.
Damon's eyes returned to their usual blue depths as his face softened, but he clenched his jaw cautiously, trying to read the trick in the moment. She couldn't possibly be saying what he thought she was, not after everything he'd done to hurt her. He needed to hear her say it, he needed to be sure.
"Say it" he finally pleaded, his voice barely a breath as he looked down at Elena
"I'm in love with you, Damon Salvatore" came her reply.
Author's Note: Okay, now we're finally making some forward progress.
Thanks so much to those who have stuck with me and left reviews, I know I can get a little talk-y :-) I'm big with the character introspection and small with the actual plot sometimes.
Next Chapter: rainbows and puppies. Shirtless Damon coming soon!