HPP Chapter 4

"Hermione might be on the third floor. Let's go lock her in!" said Harry.

"Err…are you sure?"

"Of course! Come on, it's only going to be 3 minutes, then we can get her out and smash the troll to bits!"

Soon afterwards Hermione was locked up with the mountain troll. You could hear her scream and she yelled, "Let me out you idiots! How much people bully me? Do you know how I feel?"

"We should let her out," said Harry.

Ron sighed, "Ok, ok, spoil the fun," he muttered taking a running jump and attempting to dramatically kick the door down. Instead he missed and hit the wall, yelling in pain. Harry sighed and turned the key in the lock. Inside was a total madhouse, the first five cubicles were just piles of rubble. Hermione darted into the next one in an attempt to get away from a huge, fat, lumpy, blue-skinned brute that was naked apart from a skimpy one-piece leotard. In it's abnormally long arms, it held a long club made of rotting wood that looked like it was about to fall apart.

Hermione had somehow managed to cling onto the pipes, screaming swearwords. "s**t s**t s***t!" She screamed.

"Uhh…Ron…I don't…uh-oh-" The troll made a lunge for Ron, who dodged. The troll smashed his club in the toilet bowl and couldn't pull it out.

"Nice Ron!" said Harry.

"C**p c**p c**p." Said Hermione.

"Watch out!" cried Ron as the troll smashed his fist at Harry. Harry managed to dodge just out of the way, the wall beside him crumbled.

"Hey - take this!" Ron chucked a piece of pipe at the troll. The troll turned around and roared at Hermione with it's mouth open.

Finally Harry understood Hermione's swearing, in fact, it was a spell. "Poo Poo Poo!" A stream of stinky brown liquid erupted from her wand and into the troll's mouth and it immediately collapsed.

"Bloody hell," whispered Ron.

"Well that's a lesson we must learn. Not to run at a witch or wizard with your mouth open," said Harry.

Suddenly, the door was kicked open by McGonna, Snape and Quirrell, who all dashed in dressed in tight black suits and sunglasses to make themselves look like they knew what they were doing. Quirrell took one look at the troll and he fainted… Again. A ferret scurried down from Snape's shoulder and on his command, darted into the troll's leotard and…we'll just say checked that it was still alive.

"House elves," said Snape lazily, two scrawny creatures wearing filthy old pillowcases appeared. "Go and bring Professor Quirrell to Madam Profrey," he said, then changed his mind, "Actually, put him in the dungeon, lock up the doors and write 'penis' on his face."

"Severus, is that really necessary?" McGonna said.

"Yes it is, how else am I supposed to get my entertainment?" the two house elves lifted Quirrell from the toilet seat and apparated with a farting noise.

McGonna breathed fiercely out, "Well you drink three bottles of firewhiskey every night, and you seem to have a lot of fun while your drunk. I hear you all the way from my bedroom, very disturbing."

Snape turned white, "Uhh…y-y-you haven't heard what I'm saying right?"

McGonna shrugged, "Yes, shall I record and show you in the morning? Then you can join in the show."

Snape turned even more pale.

"Hmm… Anyway, your punishment is…" began McGonna, turning to the three petrified kids.

"You need to go to Dumbledore's office wearing only your underwear at night," said Snape.

"Honestly Severus?" asked McGonna, "Just make them lose house points."

"Yes, but school hasn't started yet," answered Snape, "They can't lose any yet," he hesitated, "Actually, Weasley, Granger, thanks to you two, Gryffindor now has -200 points."

McGonna cast him a warning look.

"Ok, ok, sorry, -100 points."

McGonna nodded, knowing she wouldn't be able to push him any further.

"Potter," Snape said, turning to the frightened student. "For being the son of a man who…" Snape turned his gaze away, "We'll just say stole a girl and forced her to do business with him…a girl that some other people liked…" he looked back at Harry, "You have to write one hundred lines saying 'I will not grow up to be a d*ckhead like my father' and now Gryffindor has -150 points." and with that, he turned and stalked out of the smashed up bathroom. His ferret crawled out of the leotard and followed him.

The next day, Harry was excited about his very first lesson. He and Ron walked down to the breakfast table, chatting.

"I'm excited, what lesson do we have first?" Asked Ron, loading two pieces of toast, a whole handful of bacon, and a bowl of scrambled eggs, three bowls of cereal and three bananas. Licking his lips hungrily.

"Oh I dunno, potions I think." Harry said, tipping five bowls of coco pops in and slurping it up his nose. "Mmm…can't wait."

Then Ron nibbled the two toasts in a very ratlike fashion, slurped the bacon down with a retching noise, mashed up the scrambled eggs and sprinkled it in his mouth. He drank the three bowls and squeezed the banana into his mouth.

Closing his eyes, he swallowed and sighed contently, "Come on - let's go," he said, as Ron and Harry left. Hermione followed along. Ever since the troll affair they were friends.

"Detention!" yelled Filch, leaping out from behind a tapestry (not that they had actually done anything wrong, but the old caretaker just had nothing better to do than give detentions out to a bunch of first-years).

Harry and Ron scurried away, Hermione waved her wand, "Bildia!" She yelled and Filch crashed into a wall, unable too see because the spell Hermione preformed made a blindfold appear over his eyes.

Ron laughed, "I should use that spell on mum so she can't find my beer collection!"

When they reached the potions classroom, they saw Draco Malfoy lecturing Crappe and Gargoyle on how to go through a class without licking anyone. A Slytherin girl they recognised as Pansy from the sorting was putting on mascara in a failed attempt to look half-decent. A kid in Gryffindor called Dean Thomas was hyperactively jumping up and down. Neville looked like he wanted to curl up and die and a few other students had wet themselves out of excitement as they could finally start their magical classes.

Suddenly, they were all thrown into the classroom, the door slammed shut and the lights went out. A silky voice whispered in the dark, as low and soft as the breeze, but the students caught every word.

"Ho ho ho, tell me class, what happens when the lights go out?"

There was a loud cry from outside.

"Hey let us in! He-llo! Anyone? Hermione and Hannah stuck out here!"

Suddenly a livid pale man all dressed in black appeared, he swallowed a glowing worm and began to glow green in the dark, "You should've arrived earlier. Well well well, go back to your common room and come back to me at midnight to repeat this lesson. 20 points from Gryffindor." he spat.

"But I'm from Hufflepuff." Hannah Abbot announced from behind the door.

"Well then, 20 points from Hufflepuff, too. And another 20 for answering back." turning back to the class, Snape continued, "Well, good morning class." with a snap of his fingers, everyone was engulfed in excruciating pain as they were instantly forced to walk over to their desks.

Ron looked at Harry, "I'm scared, we're in for it." then he massaged his neck, "I really wish I hadn't ate all that breakfast, it's starting to make me feel sick."

Harry sighed, this was going to be a long and boring class…