Hamilton Holt
Without further ado, I (re)give you Hamilton Sheldon Holt! Let's give him a round of applause, people!
[Ow! You do know that the five-pound shower head fell on my shoulder the other day, right? It still hurts!]
[That's your fault. And didn't we already agree? You don't interrupt me while I write a letter to the people out there.]
[Fine.]
Okay! Finally! The evil, evil Wicked Witch of the West is gone!
Ha! I just called her Wicked Witch of the West, and she can't do squat about it!
I just noticed that she introduced me as Hamilton Sheldon Holt. If you're stupid enough to believe that, then… I'll be seeing you soon. (Unfortunately for you.) Where the heck does she come up with those stupid names? It's the most loser-ish name there is! My dad would never have a kid named Sheldon!
I once had this classmate named Sheldon. I showed him exactly what I thought of his name. He doesn't study in that school now, though… nor does he study in the district… or in the city… or in the country… In fact, I don't think he can even study. At least, I don't think he can study anymore.
Anyway, apparently, there aren't many Amy-and-Hamilton stories out there. Good. Because that's really awkward. And technically, it's counted as incest. Ian and Amy should also be counted as incest. They're related, people. Distantly, but they still are.
Okay, the Editor just came back and she wants me to read something written by a friend of hers.
[While Hammy boy's reading a little story called Lights, Camera, Kill Me Now by Joelle8, I'll use this time to thank the readers for posting a review, adding this story to your Favorite Stories, or subscribing to the Story Alert. Thank you so much. It makes me feel happy to know that there are actually some people reading this thing.
Oh, joy. It's back. (By it, I mean Hammy.)]
What.
THE.
FU[censored for profanity]!
Who the [heck] is Joelle-[censored]-8? I will kill you!
Me and Natalie?
The title fits very well: Lights, Camera, Kill Me Now.
That can be arranged. I'm going to hunt her down and kill her. Joelle8 will die a very painful death.
[Hey, this is the Editor here. Since Hammy's hands are shaking really hard, and he can't type properly right now, and he seems to be going crazy—if he isn't already—I let him take a twenty-minute break. While he's puking his guts out in the bathroom, I'll take the time to let you know about a few more things.
One, some things on my WordPress might not be posted here. Like, say, Dan's review replies to the reviews for the letter he wrote. He only replied to three, though, because there were only three directed at him.
Two, I might update more frequently now that it's summer here. Or I might not. I probably won't.
Three, Very Important Author's Notes are on my WordPress. I will not reply to you on FanFiction if the same questions were asked and answered on my WordPress, and you didn't read them. So, deal.
Four, for all the other suggested stories for Hamm, I'm taking pity on the poor, mentally unstable child, and I plan to let him read only one story a day. Maybe I'll ask him to come back in the distant future and read Every Little Thing She Does Is Magic.
And five, Hammy's back.]
Me and Natalie.
Me and Natalie.
Me and that bratty [really mean girl].
Why in the world would I even—I would kill myself before that even happens. She is the most annoying, pretentious, spoiled, ugly loser in the Kabra family. And, dude, that's saying something. There are a lot of annoying, pretentious, spoiled, ugly losers in the Kabra family.
I can still taste the bile in my throat.
Oh, cr[censored].
[Wow. He must really be disgusted. He just ran to the bathroom again, and his face was green. I didn't think that it's actually possible for someone's face to turn green. I always thought it was an exaggeration. Okay, here he is again.]
Me and Natalie. That's just gross. Abominable, awful, beastly, cloying, creepy, detestable, distasteful, foul, frightful, ghastly, grody, gross, gruesome, hateful, hideous, horrid, horrific, icky, loathsome, lousy, macabre, monstrous, nasty, nauseating, nerdy, noisome, objectionable, obnoxious, odious, offensive, outrageous, repellent, repugnant, revolting, rotten, satiating, scandalous, scuzzy, shameless, shocking, sleazeball, sleazy, stinking, surfeiting, vile, vulgar, yecchy, yucky. Use any word you want. I don't care. That's what I think of me and Natalie. [1]
I am not going to think about that story.
I am not going to think about that story.
I am not going to think about that story.
I am not going to think about that story.
I'm still thinking about that story!
[Aw, is the poor, itty, bitty wittiw Hammy-boy traumatized?]
[Yes.]
[Well, that was punishment for leaving me the last time. Learn your lesson, or else… keep in mind that I have a few more stories lined up.]
[I hate you.]
[The stories are in my bag, you know.]
[…but I won't leave you again.]
Okay. Damn, that girl is really annoying. The Editor, not Joelle8. Well, Joelle8 too. But she's not just annoying, she's dead. Dead to me.
First of all, I will not do a cheesy romance movie. If ever, it would be a cool movie about football. Or some other sport.
Second, I will not, under any circumstances, work for Jonah Wizard. He is a bomb… that explodes into a million pieces. (He will, once I get my hands on him.)
Thirdly, there is no way on Earth that no team would want to sign me. I mean, look at these muscles! They're gorgeous! There would be teams lining up at my doorstep, begging me to join them. It's impossible for me not to be signed. So what if a few of my teammates were harmed? I should be an honor and a privilege.
It's a good thing that the story is unfinished. I don't know how much more I can take of this monstrosity you call FanFiction.
There. I'm done with this. I'm leaving, and I'm never coming back. [2]
[1] He copied and pasted that from Dictionary. Com
[2] That's what he thinks.