Chapter 3: Irresistible
HOW could he say no?
Giving in always seemed so much simpler. Do now and think later.
It would be a sin in of itself to refuse those blue eyes and practically pleading expression that held a tint of seduction and a whole lot of lust.
…. Drunken lust.
Those ocean colored irises were darker in hue from the alcohol consumption, those lips expelling heavy breaths that carried the scent of fine liquor, and the sweaty fingers around Rafael's wrist all led to the anticipation of unbridled lust.
He knew that his pulse was quickened in equal desire. The desire to just throw caution to the wind and yield to the moment was overpowering.
The attorney's hand that continued to found itself entrapping locks of that sandy hair firmly to keep that head poised. That face so close, dangerously lingering inward to his own had him hold a breath.
Closing his eyelids, it was if prompting permission to continue and seal those tantalizing three inches of space till they snapped open once more.
He could not do this. Not again.
An image flitted past his eyes of a younger version of himself and his ex-best friend, Alex Munoz.
He had crushed on the boy from the Barrio so hard it made him wince at night from the thought of being apart. His best friend had been through everything with him, he had become his idol and protector from the bullies due to his small stature.
A childhood dream that turned nightmare all too quickly.
One day, the two had been caught in a compromising position, one that neither seemed inclined to pull away from similar to his current state nor just gave in. It had pretty much been amateur caresses, clacking teeth with joined lips in hurried yet forbidden kisses as well as hormones of two teens who were sexually exploring.
Yes.
It had been so amazing, to let free and enjoy the feel and pull of his then best friend; touching, experimenting, never feeling dirty because it was HIS friend. Someone he could trust with his life.
…. Then Yelina came.
The girl whose smile could turn heads, whose twinkling eyes were exotic and her tongue sharper than a grown man's.
Yelina, the woman who would ultimately grow to prove Alex's sexual preference was towards women and showed Rafael his inclination to men. 'The summer of discovery' thought bitterly the ADA to himself. She had essentially meshed herself between the pair back in the day and retained Alex's attention far better than Rafael could.
Who was he to win to a woman for a straight man? Never.
It was the year that he worked hard and threw himself to the books. He had been determined to prove that if he was not better as a partner, that he was better overall as a person.
The small regret at never admitting his feelings to his friend lingered for a good time. Even till recently when seeing him again with criminal charges brought for child pornography. Love sometimes covered the monster that brewed inside them all and he had suffered for it.
No.
This time would be different because he would say no before the trap pulled him in.
A blink of his brown eyes, his expression suddenly sobered up and resolute. His hand pulling away from the no longer slicked back hair belonging to one Sonny Carisi and settled onto a cheek to push his face away.
"Whether you're joking or not, you're drunk off your ass. Go home, now." His voice steely and reserve solid even though the surprised gaze he received in return was heartbreaking.
"But I don' understand…." Sonny's voice was slightly slurred as he was pushed away. The younger was so surprised that his fingers released their grip on the fabric of that waistcoat and the lean wrist.
Rafael only shook his head in return, turning his back to the younger and taking a few steps to the curb to wave his hand down to get a cab to stop. With his frame turned, he did not anticipate a weight to suddenly settle onto him from behind; long, strong arms securing themselves around his waist in an awkward hug. "What're you doing?"
"Come on Raffie, give me a chance." A small squeeze of those arms against him and the warmth made the attorney hesitate in his movement.
No one had ever called him "Raffie" since Alex.
So the spill of the shortening of his name made him twitch and return with fervor to remove himself from this situation. The Latino pushed at those hands that were strong like a viper, cursing under his breath, "Maldita sea…. porque yo…let go."
"I don't wanna…" A child-like rebuttal was his response to his mumbling.
His determination was slowly ebbing away while he had to lean away when Sonny's lips lingering on the nape of his neck and whispering nonsense. They did also seem to be nestling tiny kisses to which made him bite his lower lip.
"I refuse. You do know that no means no, don't you?"
This statement made the younger pause in sloppily pressing kisses at the back of that hairline to stand straight and pull away almost swiftly.
"Yea…. maybe…. depends the situation."
The elder of the two turned sharply to chide the other only to see the cab pause next to them.
His hand reaching for the door handle and the other gripping onto Carisi's elbow to grip then promptly shoving the fellow into the vehicle.
"No. Just go home and clear your head. You'll forget about this in the morning."
Sonny's frame reluctantly moved with the firm tugging as he half collapsed into the cab and rolled down the window. He may have been drunk but his intentions were nonetheless real.
At the mention of forgetting, a firm frown was on his lips that he had to say, "I won' forget and I WILL bring this up tomorrow…" He turned to sit straight and direct the driver his address and as they pulled away, the younger gazed out of the rearview mirror to see the attorney standing there on the curb.
WHY did he say no?
This question plagued Carisi's alcohol-bridled mind that he was ideally distracted the whole trip and peeking back on occasion.
Given that he lived about a block up the way from the club, Barba made sure get Carisi on his way with worn satchel and all; his arms crossing over one another on his chest as a replacement for the detective's missing heat.
He figured he should start the trek up towards his condo till his thoughts were interrupted by a voice.
"A penny for your thoughts, Councilor?"
This made the ADA turn around so swiftly he almost tripped into a puddle, his eyes narrowing in the bare dim light coming from the bar to see who was speaking to him.
"Walker? What're you doing here?"
Standing before him was Robert Walker, the lanky lawyer from that morning; his attire read he had not been home yet either. Yet, Rafael had not seen him inside the bar to greet him or it was more that he was distracted with the awkward detective to notice much else of his surroundings.
"Same as you. Having a drink."
"Or looking for your next desperate client? These are tougher fish to represent."
Robert's expression contorted into one of barely veiled anger as he stepped forward into the space vacated by Carisi and stared down into Rafael's eyes coldly. "Are you insinuating something?"
"I meant no offense –"
"Are you saying I can't make ends with the people of THIS area?"
"I think you're overreacting and very close." The Assistant District Attorney took a small step back to put distance between them then shaking his head dismissively.
Robert would only narrow his eyes then scoffing as he waved a hand around them in the pitch black night, only the sidewalk glistening with the diluted rainwater.
"Believe me, there's plenty of souls in need of my help. You don't have to look in the Projects to find a dastardly person."
Rafael only held up his hands calmly and even chuckled, "This is very true. Then I wish you the best of luck on your fishing expedition." With that, the Latino turned on his heel to start his trek home and not thinking much of the lawyer whose glare followed.
"A safe trip home Barba … the streets are filled with the strangest of folks at night." He muttered in return. Cool narrowed eyes watching the back before turning on own heels to trail the opposite direction.
The tiny trip from the yellow cab with the screaming driver to his own apartment was all a blur; Sonny barely noticed when he had pulled out the cash to hand over.
All he knew was now he was in the dark area by his door to the one bedroom apartment, reaching blindly for the switch on the wall. The light contributing to his already growing headache with its brightness against his worn out eyes only made him frown.
Feet toeing off shoes to their holding place at the doorway, fingers working off his denim jacket to hang on an awaiting rack and finally his frame slowly trailed towards his couch and plop onto the soft cushions.
A sigh escaping his lips as a small cat came to nuzzle against his side, begging attention and mewling softly.
"Hey hey heeeey little lady. Did you miss me?"
The answering meow and purr was enough to sober the detective who sat in the dark, idly pondering the night's events.
He had been having a good time – no – a great time. The attorney had been really opening up to him: from the little tidbits to the big revelation of his sexual preference. It just slipped out, very unintentionally.
His long digits trailed into the soft fur calmly as he recollected.
-Flashback-
"So I tied up the perp with my belt an' Amanda was tellin' me I had some kinda kink cause I tied 'im up real good and fast. I swear my face turned so fucking red…."
Carisi had mentioned four drinks into the conversation; slouched in his chair as he was very animatedly demonstrating the tying motion with his belt wrapped around one of his own wrists.
The attorney only snorting in laughter at the lively demo by his drunken companion, all eyes glancing at them in the corner with distaste or confusion; it made him smile.
"I'm surprised you didn't refute that."
"How could I? It's kinda true about the kink… I just kept thinkin'. Damn did she figure me out?"
That statement made Rafael choke on his food, having eaten a wonton, now coughing as he tried to catch himself.
"You're saying that on purpose to kill me."
"No way! I'd regret killin' ya unless it was with my killer smile." A smile now on Sonny's features that mimicked that of the Latino's and noting it lifted his companion's expression considerably that the younger could not help but stare.
The Assistant District Attorney rubbed at his throat and glared teasingly to the detective.
"Well you're doing a good job with your wise-cracks, not appreciated."
"Aw come on, I wasn't lying. I practically aired my dirty laundry with that."
"Yes, to the whole squad and me. What were you hoping to accomplish?"
Sonny shifted to slip back on his belt against his waist before leaning forward and whispering. "I am hoping to get some of your laundry."
"That sounds stalker-like…"
"No, you totally took that outta context. Too smart for me Rafael." He laughed in defeat.
The Hispanic male settled his chin onto a hand, peeking over with calm eyes and smirked, "So you like to tie people do you?"
The SVU detective only cleared his throat, reaching for a glass of water, and then nodded his head with a slight tint of red to his face; whether from being drunk or embarrassed, it was too late to go back.
"Yes, I do. I guess it's sorta the thrill of controllin'. I'm a control freak and feel pissed when I lose my cool."
"I can imagine so… do the women you end your nights with agree with your desire? Or do you go another way?"
"Nah, all my ex-girlfriends thought I was a weirdo trying to pull off a sick fantasy and wouldn't let me try. As for other way…you mean…like…."
"With men. Yes." The statement so blunt with eyes honing in on him like a hawk now.
Carisi's hand lifted to rub the back of his neck as he looked up to the ceiling then back down, "I can't say that I've thought about it honestly."
"It's alright, you seem very straight-laced and a good Catholic boy."
A frown on his features, "Hey, I'm not that straight-laced…I just….uh. WAIT. Does that mean you're not?"
"If you mean I bat for our team, you're right. I've never looked at a woman with so much as a desire to kiss her much less…." A shudder escaping the lawyer's frame as he reached for another glass of whiskey to toss back with a sigh.
This time it was the Detective's turn to look incredulous and stare. "No way…"
"I understand if you're disgusted … "
"No! That's not it at all!"
Dark brown eyes peered over into blue ones confused yet hopeful they had not scared away their companion. "Then…?"
"I only meant. Well … you're always going to fancy shindigs with beautiful women so I figured …"
"I am a political and news figure Sonny. I have to keep up appearances if only for professional purposes. Trust me, I send them on their way home at the end of the night and go home alone as well."
A tilt of his head, Sonny leaned closer unconsciously and definitely into the personal space bubble with a shake of his head, "Such a shame."
"What? That I'm gay?"
"No, those women are really missin' out."
It was the attorney's turn to become red in the face and sputter as if indignant before waving the other away from him all the while Carisi thought the look was terribly adorable.
-End Flashback-
The meowing of his cat bringing him back to the present moment and he blinked out of his trance.
"Ah sorry Clara….I was in a daze."
Sonny leaned against the cushions of the couch, eyes peeking up to the ceiling that had lights streaming in from the streetlights then chuckled.
For as far as he knew, he was straight as an arrow; his sexual inclination was always towards vivacious women with curves his hands could dig into and breasts his face would nestle into for comfort.
Their long hair fanning onto the white pillows and sheets of hotel rooms (never sticking long enough to bring one home), painted lips turned into "o" from their pleasure and heightened desires and of course general endless supply.
He was a pretty decent looking guy.
His tall stature working charms over the opposite gender, his blue eyes being cooed at constantly and even his frame was that of an Olympic swimmer… not that he even knew how to swim.
Sonny Carisi was a typical man, who desired women, would eventually marry and have at least three kids in his lifetime. An American Dream.
And yet … a desire that overcame him was one to be deliberated on.
The younger had felt almost betrayed by Rafael to say he had desires for men or perhaps jealous? If he was jealous, then this would put in perspective his way of living.
As he had been raised as to a stringent and devote Catholic family, it had been engraved into his mind that he had to find himself a beautiful wife and be forever faithful to her along with his children. His parents had envisioned himself and his sister to be diligent in following the entire teachings of the Bible, yet they were both behind on the concept. His sister, Rebecca, is a single mother of the most adorable little girl and was doing a great job at raising her alone. The father had left at the first signs of pregnancy yet Sonny was supporting them both as best he could.
His parents often questioning him during family events where his wife was or when he was getting married; it often made him feel pressured by their expectations and those he grew up with.
Their pride came from the prospect of grandchildren not that he was a Detective or going to night-school to become a full-fledged lawyer.
Rafael was proud of him. The ADA told him so himself when he had helped him prep for a difficult case in court about two weeks prior during this serial killer case and the other was dependent on him as a Detective and as a partner. It was the most rewarding feeling Sonny had ever felt.
So perhaps jealousy was appropriate.
He is jealous that rare smile was shared with so many others beside him; especially bed partners. The thought of other men all over the Latino had made his blood boil; in addition to the alcohol, his inhibition was lowered and his hands acted.
It felt amazing to grasp onto that frame with boldness and only regretted letting him go.
No, perhaps he was not full blown gay or found every man attractive; but the attorney was an exception.
"He's irresistible and the one I'd change the rules for Clara….what do you think?"
The cat's eyes blinked in the dark before curling up into his lap and purred firmly.
"You're right. He's the exception." Sonny laughed lightly as he nodded to himself, a new determination as he would sort himself as time came. It was how he did everything in life.