Sorry it took me so long, but the chapters are better so they are coming out longer. Please leave reviews and responses, I live for them.

14. Mind over Matter

I drove very slowly for me, an acceptable speed for her. I held her hand in mine, mainly focusing on her, on my new memories of her more than the road, not that I actually needed to focus on the road. I let myself drown with joy, feeling it in every part of my stoned body, every time my memory went back to her lips I had to look at her, seeing her looking back at me with her brown eyes that seemed filled with depth of love, I couldn't help but just to be happy. Even her scent didn't bother me as much, even in the closed, small compartment of her car, the wind blowing her scent strongly and the sun making it sweeter, I didn't even drift my focus from my happiness. I tuned the radio to my favorite station and started singing along to my favorite songs, now being so close to her they seemed even happier than usual.

"You like fifties music?" Bella asked breaking the all so pleasant silence. How little did she know me, I wanted her to know so much, but how much was too much? What would scare her off? But then again this was a simple question so a simple answer would do. "Music in the fifties was good. Much better than the sixties or the seventies, ugh!" I pretended to shudder at the thought, although it really was bad. "The eighties were bearable." "Are you ever going to tell me how old are you?" She always knew which wrong question to ask, I didn't really want to answer, so I went for one of her old tactics, one that still shocked me when I think of it, it doesn't matter. "Does it matter much?" I couldn't help but smile, it really didn't matter, not to her anyway. "Not, but I still wonder…" she grimaced, "There's nothing like an unsolved mystery to keep you up at night." "I wonder if it will upset you," I told her the truth, technically we were at the same age, but in my existence I was much older than her, much. I never thought of that before, I was even older than her dad, not a very appealing thought. Maybe that won't matter also, and maybe it will be the deal breaker. I didn't say anything I didn't want to confront this issue, not even in my mind, not now when everything was so perfect. "Try me" she said breaking the silence again. I sighed; she wasn't going to let this go. I looked into her eyes seeing nothing more than curiosity, and love, maybe this love will be enough to take this fact with peace, it wasn't much worse than being a vampire.

I looked into the sun not to see her first shock when I told her "I was born in Chicago in 1901." I snake a look at her, she tried to look unsurprised and she was curios for the rest. I smiled; maybe I can push it and tell her more about me, "Carlisle found me in a hospital in the summer of 1918. I was seventeen, and dying of the Spanish influenza." She intake a breath, and I looked at her, but the shock passed quickly. "I don't remember it well – it was a very long time ago, and human memories fade. I do remember how it felt, when Carlisle saved me. It's not an easy thing, not something you could forget." The pain of the burning was the strongest memory of all my human memories, a pain I never want her to feel. "Your parents?" she asked. "They had already died from the disease. I was alone. That was why he chose me. In all the chaos of the epidemic, no one would ever realize I was gone." I was talking while looking at Carlisle's memories. "How did he… save you?" I had to choose my words, thought I wasn't going to change her into a vampire myself, there was no need for her to know the process. Though it was a ridicule thought I didn't want her to get any ideas, though why would anyone choose this life was beyond me. "It was difficult. Not many of us have the restraint necessary to accomplish it. But Carlisle has always been the most human, the most compassionate of us… I don't think you could find his equal throughout all of history." I paused, the memory of the burning still fierce in my mind. "For me, it was merely very, very painful." I frowned a little, painful was an understating and I thought I said enough and I wasn't going to say anything else about this subject. A few moments passed before I looked into her eyes again, needing to shake off the memory, they were burning with curiosity. I thought about a safe thing to talk about that would still saturate her curiosity, I went through my memories of Carlisle's memory's that showed me why he acted the way he did, motive and the rest of my family coming together. "He acted from loneliness. That's usually the reason behind the choice. I was the first in Carlisle's family, though he found Esme soon after. She fell from a cliff. They brought her straight to the hospital morgue, thought he found somehow, her heart was still beating."

"So you must be dying, then, to become…" she never said the word vampire, afraid to admit the horrible truth I guess. But talking about becoming a vampire was a thin line to walk on; I didn't want her to have too much information, just in case. "No, that's just Carlisle. He would never do that to someone who had another choice. It is easier he says, thought, if the blood is weak." I only looked at the road, reluctant to talk, but she kept pushing for more information. "And Emmett and Rosalie?" Should I tell her the truth? Carlisle wanted Rosalie to be my mate, but Rosalie and I never hit it off, we didn't get along from the very start, me insulting her before she even opened her eyes to this none-existence. I might as well tell her the full story about my family; she'll ask for it anyway "Carlisle brought Rosalie to our family next. I didn't realize till much later that he was hoping she would be to me what Esme was to him – he was careful with his thoughts around me." I couldn't help but roll my eyes; my love of my existence was far away from what Rosalie was. "But she was never more than a sister. It was only two years later that she found Emmett. She was hunting – we were in Appalachia at the time – and found a bear about to finish him off. She carried him back to Carlisle, more than a hundred miles, afraid she wouldn't be able to do it herself. I'm only beginning to guess how difficult that journey was for her." I looked at her and lifted our hands to brush the back of my hand on her cheek. Would I have been able to do the same thing that Rosalie did? Just thinking about that first day I realized that at our first encounter the result wouldn't have been deadly. But what about now? Could I bear her blood without tasting it, to save her? On that I wasn't sure, it would be best in that situation for me to run away from the temptation, but if she was really hurt, could I really let her go? Bella, luckily, disturbed that line of thought, "But she made it", she was encourage by that, though she shouldn't, but she looked away from me. "Yes," I murmured, "She saw something in his face that made her strong enough. And they've been together ever since. Sometimes they live separately from us, as a married couple. But the younger we pretend to be, the longer we can stay in any given place. Forks seemed perfect, so we all enrolled in high school." I laughed thinking that it was perfect, it brought me to Bella, but I went on with the subject, "I suppose we'll have to go to their wedding in a few years, again."

"Alice and Jasper?" She wanted the full story, might as well give it to her. "Alice and Jasper are two very rare creatures. They both developed a conscience, as we refer to it, with no outside guidance. Jasper belonged to another… family." Not that anyone except for my family was called a family with our kind but she didn't need to know that. "A very different kind of family. He became depressed, and he wandered on his own. Alice found him. Like me, she has certain gifts above and beyond the norm for our kind."

"Really?" She interrupted, "but you said you were the only one who could read hear people's thoughts." She didn't know that, and she didn't know what Alice saw, and never will know. "That's true," I went on, "she knows other things. She sees things – things that might happen, things that are coming. But it's very subjective. The future isn't set in stone. Things change." Things will change I won't steall Bella's soul just to have her, keep her forever, she deserves better than this half life. I looked at her quickly just to see her beautiful flushed face again.

"What kind of thing does she see?" it's like she knew which questions I would least want to answer, well I'll tell her a bit about Alice's story, friendly enough. Wring thought, thinking about her and Alice as friends. "She saw Jasper and knew that he was looking for her before he knew it himself. She saw Carlisle and our family, and they came together to find us. She's most sensitive to non-humans. She always sees, for example, when another group of our kind is coming near. And any threat they may pose."

"Are there a lot of… your kind?" she sounded surprised, I wondered why. Well at least the answer to that is innocent enough, and I can give her details without worries here. "No, not many. But most won't settle in any one place. Only those like us, who've given up hunting you people," I couldn't help but give her a sly glance, I was going all against my own nature here, but I didn't care, being so happy, so complete with her, "can live together with humans for any length of time. We've only found one other family like ours, in a small village in Alaska. We lived together for a time, but there were so many of us that we became too noticeable. Those of us who live... differently tend to band together."

"And the others?" I don't want to think what would happen if any "others" will get near her. "Nomads, for the most part. We've all lived that way at times. It gets tedious, like anything else. But we run across the others now and then, because most of us prefer the North."

"Why is that?" I tried not to chuckle out loud, we were at her house now, the good mode vanished, I didn't want to say goodbye, not even for a short time. "Did you have your eyes open this afternoon?" I teased her, "Do you think I could walk down the street in the sunlight without causing traffic accidents? There's a reason why we chose the Olympic Peninsula, one of the most sunless places in the world. It's nice to be able to get outside in the day. You wouldn't believe how tried you can get of nighttime in eighty-odd years." And to think that decision brought me to her.

"So that's where the legends came from?" "Probably." "Alice came from another family, like Jasper?" Well she was trying to get to know all of my family not just me. It should bother me, but it didn't it felt nice talking to someone freely about it. But for this question there is no answer "No, and that is a mystery. Alice doesn't remember her human life at all. And she doesn't know who created her. She awoke alone. Whoever made her walked away, and none of us understand why, or how, he could. If she hadn't had that other sense, if she hadn't seen Jasper and Carlisle and known that she would someday become one of us, she probably would have turned into a total savage." I looked at her and she was thinking that was for sure, I did give her a lot of information, and then her I heard her stomach growled, and she for some reason looked embarrassed. She must be hungry she didn't eat all day being with me. "I'm sorry, I'm keeping you from dinner." How much I didn't want her to go into the house and out of my sight, but she needed too. "I'm fine, really," This really shouldn't make me happy, that she, after knowing everything, still didn't want to leave me also. "I've never spent much time around anyone who eats food. I forgot." A little embarrassing, I should have remembered. "I want to stay with you." There was a little desperation in her voice, maybe a little compromise in this case would help, and her father wasn't home yet. "Can't I come in?" I asked her, this did take her back a bit, but she pulled herself together to answer me, "Yes, if that's all right," I got out of the car and in less than a second opened her door of the car, it's time she got use to be treated like a lady. "Very human", she complimented me. "It's definitely resurfacing." And it was, the more time I spent with her the more human I felt, the more I wanted to be human for her. We walked to the house and she kept looking back towards me, I wondered why did she do that? I used the key from the eave and opened the door for her; she paused half way through the frame. "The door was unlocked?" she asked. My movement must have been too quick for her to see. "No, I used the key from under the eave." She walked in the house and turned the porch light on, and then she turned to look at me with both of her eyebrows raised, ooops, she didn't actually used that key near me before. "I was curious about you", I answered her with the truth, I was very curious about everything that had to do with her. "You spied on me?" she asked, she actually sounded flattered, how funny, this was the second time she found out I was spying on her and it didn't upset her at all. "What else is there to do at night?" nothing could be more interesting than watching her. She started walking towards the kitchen, so I went there to, in my speed and I sat on a chair. She walked in and just looked at me, surprised maybe? Her mental silence never stopped irritating me. She got something from the fridge, lasagna and put in the microwave. The heat spread the scent in the kitchen, a very none-appealing scent compared to the cooker. I just started remembering this afternoon, touching her skin her warm, soft skin, and the way it felt having her lips on mine, "often?" she asked and I didn't understand, I was so unfocused just by remembering, "Hmmm?" was all I could replay trying to pull myself together. "How often do you come here?" She asked again. "I come here almost every night." She whirled, stunned, and she said the question in my head out loud, "Why?" It was time to tell her another small truth, but she took me spying on her so lightly… "You're interesting when you sleep. You talk." All those praise less unconscious thoughts; the most important thought was that she wanted me. "No!" she gasped, and at the same time she blushed and grabbed the kitchen counter as if suddenly needing the sport. This was the detail that got me into trouble, what will she make of this? Will she ask me to stay away? Only that thought was enough to make me upset. "Are you angry with me?" I asked her, she looked more horrified than angry, but still. "That depends!" she sounded breathless, but didn't continue. "On?" I urged her to continue, what can I do to set this right? "On what you heard!" She wailed that answer, still upset. I went to her side quickly, she looked unstable and I took her hands off the counter and held them in mine and the warmth so pleasant. "Don't be upset!" I pleaded her; I lowered my face to her level to look into her eyes and lock then in mine, I just told her the truth. "You miss your mother. You worry about her. And when it rains, the sound makes you restless. You talk about home a lot, but it's less often now. Once you said too green." I laughed a little, hoping that I was forgiven, and trying not to offend her. "Anything else?" she demanded, I knew where this was going to. "You did say my name," I admitted to her. She sighed and asked "A lot?" "How much do you mean by 'a lot' exactly?" "Oh no!" I had to calm her, comfort her, so almost naturally I pulled her to my chest.

"Don't be self-conscious" I whispered to her, "If I could dream at all, it would be about you. And I'm not ashamed of it." Aw, how I wish I could dream, be in a world where we could be together with no complications. And then we heard the sound of the tires on the bricks and the headlights flash through the front window. She stiffened in my arms, stressed. "Should your father know I'm here?" I asked her.

"I'm not sure…"

"Another time then…", and I left her side and got out the back window."Edward!" I heard her call, I chuckled but I didn't know if she could hear it. What should I do now? Go home? I wasn't ready for that. I'll stay here a bit; maybe I'll go up to her room before she falls asleep and kiss her good night. I really shouldn't push my luck when it came to kissing her. But I will stay around for now. "Bella?" her father asked her as he got in the house. "In here" She called from the kitchen, she sounded a bit hysterical, and through her father's cloudy thoughts I think that he noted that too. "Can you get me some of that? I'm bushed." He told her. I let myself drawn in the memory's of today, I was strong enough not to kill her, to touch her without breaking her, to even kiss her, I let my memory linger on the memory of her soft lips on mine. This didn't make my future with her more secure, but still it was something that I didn't think that I was capable of before. I stopped thinking at that point and started listening to Bella and her dad; he seemed to be suspicions in his mind. "No, dad, I just want some sleep," she said to him, still hysterical, "None of the boys in town are your type, eh?" he was going the right way, except for the 'boy' part, will she tell him the truth? "No, none of the boys have caught my eye yet." She said, trying not to emphasize the word boy, trying not to lie. "I thought that maybe Mike Newton… You said he was friendly." I wanted to break something just at the mentioning of the name 'Mike Newton', but that would make too much noise. I tried to calm myself listening to Bella's voice, "He's just a friend, Dad." Even that was more than he disserved. "Well, you're too good for them all, anyway. Wait till you get to college to start looking." I wondered if she'll still want me then, in collage, when her real life will unfold and I will always be stuck in this point of my none-life, forever seventeen. "Edward?" I heard her calling my name, and before she ended saying the word I was in her room lying on her bed. "Yes?" I quietly laughed behind her. One of her hands flow to her throat with shock, I just smiled at her lying on the bed with my hands behind my head, a pose reasonable enough for humans. "Oh!" she breathed and sat down on the floor, in an unstable movement. "I'm sorry" I said trying to hide my smile, freighting her wasn't funny, but her expression was. "Just give me a minute to restart my heart." She said, but her heart was fine, actually it was racing, not stopping. I sat up this time in human speed and I reach out and lifted her from the top of her arms, put her on the bed and sat beside her. "Why don't you sit with me? How's the heart?" I put my hand very gently on hers feeling the warmth beneath my cooled hand. "You tell me – I'm sure you hear it better than I do." Correct, I laughed quietly, her dad was still awake, no need to make extra notice and he was suspicion of her already. We just sat on her bed I listened to her heart going back into its normal rhythm. I was content just sitting near her, holding her hand, I felt happier than I could ever imagine possible. "Can I have a minute to be human?" she asked me, how I didn't want her to leave my sight, but still necessary for her. "Certainly", I told her and gestured to her to proceed.

"Stay", she told me, trying to look severe, as if there is anywhere else I wanted to be right now. "Yes, ma'am", I answered her and became an unmoving state on the edge of her bed, maybe she would find it strange, but motionless was natural for me. She hopped up grabbed her pajamas from the floor, and bag of toiletries from the table, she turned the light off and went out the room. I heard her closing the bathroom door very loudly, too loudly, how odd, why did she do that? I heard the running water in the shower I tried to focus on that relaxing sound. The sound stopped, it felt so weird but I listened to her every heart beat, every brush of hair. "Night, Dad" she called, "Night, Bella" her dad called after her, still suspicions. It sounded like she hopped up the stairs in a hurry, and then she opened the door, and finely we were in the same room again I could breathe again, not that I should have, she smelled just so good, so flowery. She smiled at me and I smiled roughly back. I took a long look at her, she was so beautiful, almost a different person now that she's awake since I only saw her like this when she was a sleep. "Nice", I told her trying to keep it teasing. She grimaced, how little did she think of herself? Couldn't she see just how breath taking she was? "No, it looks good on you." I told her, she did look good, but I shouldn't think that far. "Thanks" she whispered. She came and sat cross-legged beside me, but she didn't look at me, why? "What was all that for?" I asked her re-thinking her loud organizing process, it clearly also sounded loud to human ears as well. "Charlie thinks I'm sneaking out." She answered. "Oh. Why?" it's not that I didn't hear their conversation, just wanted to know her opinion.

"Apparently, I look a little overexcited." I gently lifted her chin, examining her face, rememorizing it; I could feel just from that little touch that she was a bit warmer, her pulse rushing quicker than usual. "You look very warm, actually," I commented. I bent my face very slowly towards her, I first thought about kissing her again, but I didn't want to push my luck so instead I laid my check on her skin, her physical reaction was imitate, pulse quickening, blood rushing, it didn't make it easier on me but I tried not to think of it, I just breathed. "It seems to be… much easier for you, now, to be close to me." She said unevenly, trying to catch her breath. "Does it seem that way to you?", I murmured, I couldn't stop thinking about other way to touch her, my nose gliding to the corner of her jaw, my hand very gently brushing her wet hair, and I moved my lips to the hollow beneath her ear. Her reaction was even more cerotic, I was enjoying her reaction as I was enjoying the feeling of her skin. "Much, much easier", she said trying to exhale, but not so seceding. I was enjoying this a lot more than I should, against all odds my cold touch didn't repulse her, didn't scared her, I knew now that this reaction was attraction, going both ways. "Hmmm", was all I could replay, she was so soft and warm that it made me feel soft, like my bones were turning soft, like the touch, and the heat were going to the core of me. I didn't let it distract me though; I had to keep myself in check. "So I was just wondering…" I continued just touching her with my fingers, but even the slightest touch made it hard for her to focus on her own thoughts, or so it appeared. "Yes?" I encouraged her to continue her question. "Why is that, do you think?" she asked and her voice actually shook, I liked it. How could I explain it to her just right? One figure of speech came to mine, it would do, "Mind over matter", I said, and laughed, I was in such a good mood I could laugh for no reason at all.

Then she pulled back from me, and I froze and even stopped breathing from the tension, what did I do wrong? I didn't see anything different from this touch to the one before it. I started at her curiously but she looked at me with an expression that imitated mine, why was that? I relaxed a little her expression didn't indicate that I have done something wrong. I was puzzled, why did she pull away then? "Did I do something wrong?" I asked after a long moment in which it seemed she wasn't going to say anything. "No – the opposite. You're driving me crazy." She answered, I had to let those words sink in, and take the full meaning of it, I was doing this right, and I was good at just this, being with her. "Really?" I asked, sounding too pleased I guess, and I couldn't help but smile a little triumphant smile. "Would you like a round of applause?" actually that would be nice, but I grinned and explained to her what I felt right now, "I'm just pleasantly surprised. In the last hundred years or so, I never imagined anything like this. I didn't believe I would ever find someone I wanted to be with… in another way than my brothers and sisters. And then to find, even though it's all new to me, that I'm good at it… at being with you…" She had no idea how good this felt to me, how this electric tingling sensation gave me a very weak memory of an adrenalin rush, made me feel alive in a way that I hadn't in so long. "You're good at everything", she pointed out, a little arrogant of me but I allowed it, so I just shrugged. We both started laughing at the same time, and again I like it so much that we thought of the same thing at the same time.

"But how can it be so easy now, this afternoon…" she pressed on. It wasn't so easy, the need to be in control of every movement to be so gentle, and the burn, although I was getting use to being so much near her, and it burned less now, luckily my mind was up to the job of dealing with it all at once with losing concentration, and leaving a lot of room to enjoy this precious moments. "It's not easy," I sighed, "But this afternoon, I was still… undecided. I am sorry about that, it was unforgivable for me to behave so." Just remembering her frightened face from this afternoon made me feel guilty, but she should know exactly how much danger she was in, by being with me. "Not unforgivable," she disagreed; she was quick to forgive me. "Thank you," I told her and smiled at her, she was just so good, even my frightening behavior was forgotten, she wouldn't hold it against me, and she didn't carry grudges. I thought though if I was making the danger clear I should tell her the entire complex, keep it honest. I looked down as I talked, ashamed of myself, "You see, I wasn't sure if I was strong enough…" I took one of her hand and pressed it so gently to my face breathing her smell, getting use to it, and showing her what I meant, "And while there was still that possibility that I might be… overcome", I breathed her scent even deeper I was actually starting to appreciate the flavors in now that it didn't overwhelm me. I had a hard time talking, finding the words when I felt so disgusted with myself. "I was… susceptible. Until I made up my mind that I was strong enough, that there was no possibly at all that I would… that I ever could…" I was horrified with myself I couldn't find the words, couldn't say them, talking about I chance that I would hurt her; there is no way that that would happen anymore. That future is gone now. "So there no possibility now?" she asked."Mind over matter," I repeated, smiling now, now that I was sure I could be with her without hurting her. "Wow, that was easy," she said, easy for who? I couldn't help but laugh, quietly though, "Easy for you!" I clarified, touching the tip of her nose with my fingertips. Then I had to be serious again remembering all the danger she was still in, "I'm trying," I told her my voice full of pain and shame I felt for being so selfish, "If it gets to be… too much, I'm fairly sure I'll be able to leave." Then despair really gripped me when I realized tomorrow I will have to start this process all over again. "And it will be harder tomorrow," I confessed, "I've had the scent of you in my head all day, and I've grown amazingly desensitized. If I'm away from you for any length of time, I'll have to start over again. Not quite from scratch, thought, I think." Her reaction to that shocked me, "Don't go away, then," she pleaded unable to hide the longing in her voice, a longing which I also felt. "That suits me," I told her, and I couldn't help, but smile. "Bring on the shackles – I'm your prisoner." That was honest enough I did feel like a prisoner in a way I couldn't be away from her, not even when it is best for her. I held her wrists with my hand, like shackles, hoping I could find some way to bind her to me. An image of her white with crimson eyes snuck in my mind, anyway but that! I thought to myself. I drove that thought away concentrating on this moment on the joy and just laughed, a happy laughter, I was so happy just being with her so… complete.

"You seem more… optimistic than usual. I haven't seen you like this before." How observant of her, like always, and I gave it a thought and I was feeling very optimistic, that I was going to be able to walk this line, be with her and keep her human, it actually seem manageable now. And all the love flowing in me "Isn't it supposed to be like this? The glory of first love, and all that. It's incredible, isn't it, the difference between reading about something, seeing it in the pictures, and experiencing it?" "Very different, more forceful than I'd imagined." She agreed with me. I had a flash memory of an emotion that I never felt before I meet her, "For example – the emotion of jealousy. I've read about it a hundred thousand times, seen actors portray it in a thousand different plays and movies. I believed I understood that one pretty clearly. But it shocked me…" I grimaced remembering the first time I realized I was joules, how I wanted to kill that idiot Mike. "Do you remember the day that Mike asked you to the dance?" she nodded "The day you started talking to me again," yes that day indeed, when my power of will crumbled to dust in my hands. "I was surprised by the flare of resentment, almost fury, that I felt – I didn't recognize what it was at first. I was even more aggravated than usual that I couldn't know what you were thinking, why you refused him. Was it simply for your friend's sake? Was there someone else? I knew I had no right to care either way. I tried not to care. And then the line started forming." I couldn't help but chuckle remembering her horrified expression, she just scowled. Well if I'm with this line might as well tell her the whole story from my point of view, without the funny parts. "I waited, unreasonably anxious to hear what you would say to them, to watch your expressions. I couldn't deny the relief I felt, watching the annoyance on your face. But I couldn't be sure." I continued telling her the whole story from my side, just without Alice's visions, there is no need for her to know about a future which won't happen. "That was the first night I came here. I wrestled all night, while watching you sleep, with the chasm between what I knew was right, moral, ethical, and what I wanted. I knew that if I continued to ignore you as I should, or if I left for a few years, till you were gone, that someday you would say yes to Mike, or someone like him. It made me angry. And then," I only whispered remembering that night how it felt when she said my name, all that love for her taking a permanent hold on me, "as you were sleeping, you said my name. You spoke so clearly, at first I thought you'd woken. But you rolled over restlessly and mumbled my name once more and sighted. The feeling that coursed through me then was unnerving, staggering. And I knew I couldn't ignore you any longer." Her heart started thundering unevenly, probably from shock, but even these words couldn't describe what I felt, what I'm feeling. "But jealousy… it's a strange thing. So much more powerful than I would have thought. And irrational!" I thought of a few, was it hours ago? When her father mentioned Mike Newton, even thought I know she chose me how angry it made me feel. "Just now, when Charlie asked you about that vile Mike Newton…" I stopped talking taking a back from the anger, that boy was lucky he was still alive.

"I should have known you'd be listening." She groaned, but why? Did she think I left? Or she didn't understand that my hearing can hear her conversion from the house without taping in to Charlie's vague thoughts. "Of course," I answered, a matter of fact. "That made you feel jealous, though, really?" she asked a bit shocked. "I'm new at this, you're resurrecting the human in me, and everything feels stranger because it's fresh." Well in a way since I barely remembered my human years it was as if I was feeling everything for the first time, everything I had before couldn't even be called emotions.

"But honestly," She was teasing now, "for that to bother you, after I have to hear that Rosalie – Rosalie, incarnation of pure beauty, Rosalie – was meant for you. Emmett or no Emmett, how can I compete with that?" How could she even think of that? After I told her that I and Rosalie didn't get along from her very first second in this half-life. "There is no competition," I took her hands that were still in mine and put them around my back, and hold her close to my chest, only like this I was sure beyond doubt that she was safe, feeling her heat, hearing her pulse, smelling her scent. "I know there no competition, that's the problem", she mumbled, I didn't understand her, was she insecure, haven't I showed her that I loved her beyond the limits of reason today? I need to explain to her how little did Rosalie appealed to me in that way. "Of course Rosalie is beautiful in her way, but even if she wasn't like a sister to me, even if Emmett didn't belong with her, she could never have no tenth, no, one hundredth of the attraction you hold for me." I should tell her just how much I loved her, and Rosalie didn't mean nothing compared to that, how I was looking for her without ever knowing I did. "For almost ninety years I've walked among my kind and yours… all the time thinking I was complete with myself, not realizing what I was seeking. And not finding anything, because you weren't alive yet.

"It hardly seems fair", she whispered to my chest. "I haven't had to wait at all. Why should I get off so easily?" What a strange way to think of things, I waited so long I couldn't think about being away from her for any length of time, but it still amused me. "You're right," I was teasing her, but still the words are very true, "I should make this harder for you, definitely," I took both of her hands in one of mine and used my free hand to stroke her hair from the top to the bottom, till her waist line. "You only have to risk your life every second you spend with me, that's surely not much. You only have to turn your back on your nature, on humanity… what's that worth?" I sighted internally, what I wouldn't give to have just what every human has, the future, the life just so I could fit in with her, I didn't want to think of the other future, where she would fit in my world, but it kept creeping into my mind again and again. "Very little – I don't feel deprived of anything." She answered. "Not yet." Was all I could answer her. She tried to pull back but I didn't let her move from me. Then I heard Charlie's footsteps coming closer and in his vague mind I could tell that he was coming here to check on her. Her body froze in a response to mine. "What…" she started to ask, but I quickly released her hands and flow to hide under her bed. She didn't respond, "Lie down!" I hissed. I could hear her lying down, and then the door opening. Suspicions were still in Charlie's mind; her poor impression of sleeping didn't convince him. In this short moment away from Bella were not hard but uncomfortable. I flew to lie down in the bed beside her under the covers. I whispered in her ear with my lips touching her ear "You are a terrible actress – I'd say that career path is out of you."

"Darn it", she said. Her heart was still beating too fast. I thought I should help calm her down, since I caused the mayhem apparently. But how to do so? My mind drifted back to my piano, to the lullaby I wrote for her. I started humming it, and after a few moments I stopped, although her heart was going back to its normal pace I didn't know if she would like it. Does she like music before she goes to sleep? Or does she even want to sleep now? "Should I sing you to sleep?" I asked. "Right," she laughed, "Like I could sleep with you here!" how strange, the tone of her voice made it sound like having me here would make her too anxious to sleep, would she not want me here so I won't listen to her while she slept? "You do it all the time," I reminded her, I hope that reminder wouldn't upset her, I hoped she wouldn't ask me not to do it again, since I couldn't promise that. "If you don't want to sleep?" I chuckled, I could stay all night talking to her, but she needed her sleep, I don't want to know what lack of sleep would do to her already dubious balance. I chuckled. "What do you want to do then?" I waited for her answer, after a few minutes she answered "I'm not sure". "Tell me when you decide." I told her. Well as long as she's not going to sleep I could continue, I glided my nose along her jaw line inhaling, I was getting better as this. I could even feel the flavors of her scent; think through it and not letting it overwhelm me. I thought about kissing her neck but my mouth was still swimming with venom, so maybe I need more time before that. "I thought you were desensitized." she commented. How to phrase this correctly; well might as well go on with the addiction line, "just because I'm resisting the wine doesn't mean I can't appreciate the bouquet." I could think around the thirst now, really appreciate just how delicious she smelled without letting the scent spin me out of control. "You have a very floral smell, like lavender… or freesia. It's mouthwatering." How embarrassing it is just to talk about this, it made me ashamed of myself that I still found her appetizing. "Yeah, it's an off day when I don't get somebody telling me how edible I smell." I couldn't help but chuckle at her humor, she tried to dismiss it, dismiss my darker side as if it didn't matter, and I sighed after all I still couldn't avoid guilt and shame, but the joy of love over powered them. She pulled me from my thoughts, "I've decided what I want to do. I want to hear more about you." Well we had no more secrets at this point. "Ask me anything," I told her, though I still felt a bit wary. She thought about what to ask for a few moments and then asked, "Why do you do it? I still don't understand how you can work so hard to resist what you… are. Please don't misunderstand, of course I'm glad that you do, I just don't see why you would bother in the first place." I thought about it before answering, she wasn't the first person who wandered that, so I should have expected her to ask me this sooner or later, though I never did know what to expect from her. "That's a good question, and you are not the first one to ask it. The others" I had to stop there thinking about my family and Rose and how they felt about being vampires "The majority of our kind who are quite content with our lot – they, too, wonder at how we live." Well the next words are more made from Carlisle's thoughts then mine, "But you see, just because we've been… dealt a certain hand… it doesn't mean that we can't choose to rise above – to conquer the boundaries of a destiny that none of us wanted. To try to retain whatever essential humanity we can." This sounded right enough; anyone in my family would give up everything to be human again, especially Rose, but now I almost felt like her, wanted to be human so I can live a happy human life with Bella. Then I realized she didn't say anything for a while, "Did you fall asleep?" I asked in a whisper that wouldn't wake her up if she were asleep. "No," she answered, good so I will have more time listening to her voice, hearing her words, finding her behind them. "Is that all you were curious about?" I asked, though I was sure that was not the case. She rolled her eyes, her beautiful chocolate brown eyes, the darkness gave it even more depth, and I felt like I was staring into the never ending tunnel of her soul, her beautiful sprit which I would never endanger. "Not quite", she said pulling me from my thoughts. "What else do you want to know?" I asked her. "Why can you read minds – why only you? And Alice, seeing the future… why does that happen?" I shrugged, she never asked anything easy did she, and to this no one did have an answer. "We don't really know." Well maybe I should give her Carlisle theory, not to leave her empty handed, "Carlisle has a theory… he believes that we all bring something of our strongest human traits with us into the next life, where they are intensified – like our mind, and our senses. He thinks that I must have already been very sensitive to thoughts of the others around me. And that Alice had some precognition, wherever she was." Well I had another gifted member of our family, but she didn't ask though I was sure that she will, and she didn't disappoint, "What did he bring into the next life, and the others?" She asked curios like I thought she would be. "Carlisle brought his compassion. Esme brought her ability to love passionately. Emmett brought his strength, Rosalie her… tenacity," I didn't think it would be fair to Rosalie to mention that her main characteristic was beauty, though I'm sure to human eyes it was obvious. "Or you could call it pigheadedness." I added, trying to make it humors, and I chuckled, it wasn't exactly a lie… "Jasper is very interesting. He was quit charismatic in his first life, able to influence those around him to see things his way. Now he is able to manipulate the emotions of those around him – calm down a room of angry people, for example, or excite a lethargic crowd, conversely. It's a very subtle gift." I could see her intense expression, she was thinking about all this new information, processing it. I took this time to look at her face in this new light, though I have seen her at night, this time she was awake, everything seemed new.

"So where did it all start? I mean, Carlisle changed you, and then someone must have changed him, and so on…" Well she isn't going to keep things simple; well I gave her my theory on that one, with the whole long speech, "Well, where did you come from? Evolution? Creation? Couldn't we have evolved in the same way as other species, predator and prey?" Well I was breaking this pattern a predator in love with its prey, and such a desirable one as well. "Or, if you don't believe that all this world could have just happened on its own, which is hard for me to accept myself, is it so hard to believe that the same force that created the delicate angelfish with the shark, the baby seal and the killer whale, could create both our kinds together?" right now in my arms, feeling her heat and her body even through our clothe it felt like she was even more fragile than the angelfish. "Let me get this straight – I'm the baby seal, right?" She asked, it was quit humorous her tone, I laughed and kissed her wet hair, ah it smelled so good. "Are you ready to sleep?" I asked to distract myself. "Or do you have any more questions?" although I felt like I was bringing my dark world into her bright one it made me feel good talking about everything with her, it was quite surprising. "Only a million or two." She answered. It's like she won't have any more time to ask me, "We have tomorrow, and the next day, and the next…" I reminded her. She smiled a very pleased smile. "Are you sure you won't vanish in the morning? You are mythical, after all." How could she think I could leave her? I had no strength for that, I knew that by now. "I won't leave you," I almost promised but I didn't maybe one day I will be strong enough to do what I should do.

"One more, then, tonight…" she stopped suddenly, and blushed, why is that? Something embarssing? Curiosity flared in me. "What it is?" I asked trying to sound nonchalant. "No, forget it. I changed my mind." Was she doing this on purpose I thought she realized how much her mental silence irritated me. "Bella, you can ask me anything." I encouraged her. She didn't say anything and I groaned, this was unbearable, "I keep thinking it will get less frustrating, not hearing your thoughts. But it just gets worse and worse." Maybe understanding how annoying it is will make her talk. "I'm glad you can't read my thoughts. It's bad enough that you eavesdrop on my sleep-talking." Well maybe this wasn't a good chance to explain to her how thoroughly I have been following her since the day I met her. "Please," I was pleading using my most persuasive voice, I would have tried to use my eyes also, but it was too dark for her to see. She shook her head, how bad could it be? "If you don't tell me, I'll assume it's something much worse than it is," I threatened. How much longer can I take this? What was she hiding so desperately? "Please?" I pleaded again. "Well…" She began, but didn't continue, I tried not to groan this time. "Yes?" I encouraged her to continue. "You said that Rosalie and Emmett will get married soon… is that…marriage… the same as humans?" I laughed a serious laughter, is this was she getting to? Physical relationships? "Is that what you're getting at?" She was fidgeting nervously, it's a difficult issue, but for the rest of us it's not a problem. "Yes, I suppose it is much the same. I told you, most of those humans desires are there, just hidden behind more powerful desires." What is she getting at? "Oh," was her only response. What was she thinking? Why has that question made her blush? "Was there a purpose behind your curiosity?" I wondered what she was getting at. I couldn't see. "Well, I did wonder… about you and me… someday…" I froze. I couldn't even imagine this, her scent, the heat, her body pressed to mine so tight, I could so easily hurt her without noticing, break her. I didn't even know if I could handle kissing her again. How could she think this, knowing everything she did about me? Unfortunately this put the thought in my head, how it would feel. I shoved it out, that's not possible, only if she was one of my kind, but I won't let that happen. And to think of this when she was human was insanity. I could barely think of words to tell her. "I don't think that… that… would be possible for us." I barely managed to take the words out of my mouth from the shock. "Because it would be too hard for you, if I were that… close?" She asked in an uncertain voice. How could I explain this to her? Even now I always watched myself careful of my movements of the pressure I put in my hands, always chanting to myself at the back of my head, silk over glass. "That's certainly a problem." A very big problem even with the obstacle of our clothes, "But that's not what I was thinking of. It's just that you are so soft, so fragile. I have to mind my actions every moment that we're together so that I don't hurt you. I could kill you quite easily, Bella, simply by accident." Alice's old vision of Bella dead jumped in my mind, but I shoved it out, I was strong enough to be with Bella. The more I talked the more my voice became a low murmur. I took my hand and rest it against her check, feeling the pleasant heat, I sighed internally. "If I was too hasty… if for one second I wasn't paying enough attention, I could reach out, meaning to touch your face, and crush you skull by mistake." The shame of this fact burned in me, "You don't realize how incredibly breakable you are. I can never, never afford to lose any kind of control when I'm with you." That fact almost punched a hole in me, but I would take this life of no relaxation as long as I can be with her, being away from her was painful. I waited for her response I hope I didn't scare her too much, made her too worried, too afraid, too aware, or maybe that was best. Could she leave me now that she saw that I couldn't give her what she wanted, I couldn't be even close to human with her. I growled anxious the panic and horror sinking in. She didn't talk, "Are you scared?" I asked when I couldn't bare her silence anymore. She answered only after a whole minute "No. I'm fine." Relief flashed through me. I thought it for a moment in my human life I never looked at girls only war had my attention, but this was a different time, and Bella being so attractive… "I'm curious now though," I began to ask carefully choosing my words, keeping it light this time, not to upset her. "Have you ever…?" I trailed off, letting her imagination filled the rest, just the thought of the possibility that someone else was this close to her made me furious beyond imagining, worse than jealousy, the rage of it. "Of course not," she flushed, relief again, this was all new to her as it was to me, "I told you I've never felt like this about anyone before, not even close." Relief became joy, every time she confessed her love to me made me feel like my dead heart became swollen from joy. And she didn't realize how attractive she was. "I know." I told her, "It's just that I know other people's thoughts. I know love and lust don't always keep the same company."

"They do for me. Now, anyway, that they exist for me at all." She sighed, disappointed? Did she really want me that close? Well I did feel the same way, also a sharp disappointment but this was necessary, I would take it to keep her safe. "That's nice. We have that one thing in common, at least." I sounded satisfied, another thing we had in common, and not a small thing. "Your human instincts…" she began and stopped, I waited her to continue, "Well, do you find me attractive, in that way, at all?" I laughed and lightly, gently rumpled her hair, I liked the way it looked all wild. I didn't need to think, just remembering her wearing that blue tight shirt… "I may not be human, but I am a man," I assured her. She yawned, she was tired, and I was keeping her up too late. "I've answered your questions, now you should sleep," I insisted this time. "I'm not sure if I can," was it that uncomfortable to her having me here when she was asleep? "Do you want me to leave?" I became agonized at the thought, but she answered very quickly "No!" a bit too loud, I laughed satisfied. I began to hum her lullaby and her breath became more even and she relaxed in unconsciousness.