A/N: Thanks again for reviewing, you are awesome! :D
Rapunzel Sunny: That is great, you should do that – I'd love to see what you come up with
This chapter is a bit more dramatic and I sure hope you like it. It's taken me a while longer to finish because I'm at home with the family and Christmas is crazy busy – actually finishing this chapter now in bed at 7am because I woke up and couldn't sleep.
Discalimer: I own nothing!
HAPPY HOLIDAYS MY LOVELIES!
Chapter 4
In the days that followed Sophie readied the cabin for the winter, making sure everything was in order and tidying up the place in general. I helped out as much as I could wanting to be helpful in return to the woman who basically saved our lives and took us under her wing.
It was nice. It took my mind off things to be kept busy.
This being our last afternoon we were taking a walk around a small lake that was not far from the cabin. I had Emma all wrapped up in her blanket and then another one on top of that, because the air was really nippy, we'd even had frost on our windows that morning.
Maverick was running ahead enjoying his last free sprint for the season in these woods. He caught sight of a squirrel darting up a tree and chased after it as it jumped from branch to branch.
"I'm really going to miss this," Sophie says breaking the silence.
"Could you tell me a little about where we are going, I've never been to a city before?" I ask cautiously, apprehensive whether she'll ask me why that is. But she just looks at me sideways before answering.
"It's big. There are a lot of high buildings, there are many roads and the traffic can get really bad at times. There isn't a lot of nature around at all unless you count the small parks that are scattered around. The atmosphere is very energetic I suppose, that happens when there's so many people on the move all the time. I find it quite stressful actually, but my work is there so I don't really have an option."
"What do you do for work?" I then ask, surprised I hadn't thought of asking that earlier.
"I teach 4th grade at a nearby elementary school, but I've been taking a leave of absence this past year to get back on my feet, I didn't really want to rub off any sad vibes on the kids," she says a little dejectedly.
"I bet the children miss you. I can imagine you being a wonderful teacher." I say trying to lift her spirits.
Her face brightens up a bit and she smiles. "Oh yeah I love working with kids, it's a challenge but I have so much fun doing it."
"It does sound fun. I have a lot of respect for teachers, if I knew how I would probably try teaching too." Having had tutors growing up I remember looking out on the court yard seeing the other children assembled together on wooden benches, whispering secrets to each other and laughing behind the teachers back. I always felt I was missing out on something…
"I think you have what it takes. I haven't known you for long but you seem very patient, understanding and kind. And of course you must be a natural with children, you've taken to motherhood seamlessly," she says bringing me out of my thoughts.
"You think?"
"Yes, of course. I'll bring you to meet my class sometime so you can get a taste of what it's like."
I give her a grin before turning to look over the calm clear lake. We had reached the edge of the water and were now sitting on a fallen tree. The big blue sky was reflected on the surface and it felt transcendental. Almost as if it held all the secrets of life in its clarity but if you were to touch it the ripples would distort the image and the secrets would be lost.
Later in the evening, we'd just had dinner and we were seated at the table. Sophie was teaching me a game of Chinese Checkers and I was learning pretty quickly, much to Sophie's vexation. After I'd won three times in a row she throws her hands in the air and grunts. I just smirk at her, leaning back in my chair to sip the rest of my hot chocolate.
"I used to beat Ben at this all the time… I'm beginning to think he let me win," she laughs.
"Now that is love." I laugh out, instantly worried I'd hit a sensitive spot. But even though her smile fades a little it doesn't disappear altogether.
Looking up from beneath her lashes, smiling, she gives me a sneaky look and asks with careful humour, "Oh, and how do you come to that conclusion?"
Realising she wants to keep holding on to the happy memories I allow myself the same and say, "Because that is what Emma's father used to do too. Not all the time though since he knows I love a challenge. But at the beginning he did, until I caught him in the act and asked him to quit it…" I smile at the memory of his huge grin when I'd punched him in the arm and he'd cowered in mock horror peeking out from behind his raised arms. "He still let me win at things from time to time, but I let him do it because I think it made him happy, it's just one of the things that proved that he loves me."
Sophie just leans forward and takes my hand in hers, "I'm sorry he couldn't come with you."
Touched by the sincerity in her words and the fact that she hadn't asked any questions, I lay my other hand on top of hers, take an unsteady breath and say, "Me too. But we'll find our way back to each other, I have faith in that."
"Then so do I," she says with conviction.
I'd readied myself for bed and I was just folding my cloak and placing it in mine and Emma's shared bag. Sophie had grabbed one of her spare coats from home for me to use instead, saying that cloaks weren't really in fashion at the moment – whatever that meant. My fingers linger on the worn pink threads that make out the delicate flower pattern. It had belonged to my mother, and my father had told me how she'd been embroidering these flowers while she was pregnant with me.
Making my way over to the bed where Emma is already sleeping I slip under the sheets, I lean over to kiss her head and my eyes fly open. She's burning up!
My hands cup her head and forehead and it's like she's on fire. "No, no, no. Emma!" I say as I lift her up and try to wake her up. Panic is rising in my chest when she doesn't. "Wake up honey, wake up!" I start to sob, she stirs and opens her eyes a little but she is very lethargic.
"Sophie!" I yell urgently. I hear her rushed footsteps approaching.
"What is it?!" Sophie asks alarmingly seeing the tears in my eyes.
"Emma is burning up, something's wrong…" My voice breaks at the last word. I had absolutely no idea what to do.
"We need to go to the hospital right away, she's just days old and it could be serious, get dressed and grab your things…" she says in a rush as she runs off, "we need wet towels to try keep her temperature down…" I can hear her talking to herself trying to keep calm and focused.
I on the other hand am shaking like a leaf as I pull my pants on, I could barely manage tying the shoelaces. Emma was crying now, high pitched and distressed, it sounded like she was in pain. When I lift her up she screams even more.
"I'm sorry baby. It'll be okay, mama's here." I tell her as I gently rock her in my arms. It doesn't seem to have sooth her at all, and it scares me.
I meet Sophie by the door, her eyes wide and worried, clearly picking up on Emma's aching cries.
"I've got everything ready and placed in the car. Let me get that for you," she says grabbing my bag out of my hand and goes out the door. I follow close behind with a wailing Emma.
I get in this 'car', and I have no idea what it's made of. It's the oddest looking carriage I've ever seen. Sophie had to open the door for me because in my panicked state I couldn't get it open. Emma continues to scream, her face bright red. Sophie pulls out what looks like keys and turns it in a lock but nothing happens.
"Come on! Not now dammit!" she growls through her teeth, her hands shaking like crazy. She turns the key back and forth for several minutes, and I don't know what should be happening until I hear a roar from somewhere in the car and I almost jump out of my seat.
Wide eyed I turn to Sophie but she just tilts her head back and lets out a big sigh, looking relieved. "Thank you God!" she exclaims. She moves a stick, looks behind her and we move backwards making me jump again.
"I put the wet towels in the bag by your feet. Wipe Emma down while I drive."
I reach down and take one out, dabbing Emma's forehead. Her cries die down and it seems to make her feel a little more comfortable, but she still whimpers, her mouth quivering.
"How far away are we?" I dare ask.
"The nearest hospital is two hours..."
"Two hours!"
"Well I plan on breaking some speed limits. Don't worry we'll make it," she says but I don't hear enough conviction in her voice to fully believe her. But we were going really fast, unbelievably fast, no race horse I've ridden could accomplish this speed.
The ride is quiet except for Emma's whimpers and cries. It's an hour down the road when she goes quiet and limp in my arms. Sweat breaks out on my forehead and I hold my breath trying to wake her up but she doesn't move.
"Emma?" My voice is weak and pleading. I feel the colour drain from my face and my heart fills with dread.
"Is she breathing?" Sophie asks with fear lacing her voice.
I open the blanket up more placing my hand on her chest and for a moment time stops moving and I feel utterly numb, but then I feel it. Her chest is moving and I can even feel her rapid heart underneath it and I let out a breath of relief but my relief is short lived.
"Is she!?" Sophie asks with more urgency.
"Yes." It comes out a whisper. "But her breathing is shallow…" I feel the speed increasing even more.
I fix my eyes on those tiny movements of her breathing, scared to death that it would stop. I try to think back, when did she get sick? How? Why?
She seemed fine this morning, she'd been awake and alert… but she didn't nurse for long. She hadn't eaten as much as she used to during the day and she hadn't wanted to nurse at all earlier this evening before I put her to bed. I should've noticed, guilt creeping up my spine. 'I should've known, I should've known, I should've known' I think as my eyes brim with tears and I start to cry.
"I'm glad it's in the middle of the night and not a lot of traffic." Sophie says. "It's not far off now," she tells me.
She makes sharp curves in the road, slowing down and speeding up at intervals. I won't take my eyes off Emma for a second so I never look up to see where she's going or what's going on. Not until she comes to a complete stop with the car, she exits the car and runs around to my side and helps me out.
Grabbing me by the arms she ushers me to the doors. This is where I look up and see glass doors opening by their own accord. I cringe back. Nothing moves on its own unless magic is involved, my memory flashing back to the Queen breaking through the palace doors by a mere flick of her wrist.
"Hey, what's wrong? We need to find a doctor." Sophie says urgently as she wraps her arm around my shoulders, coaxing me through the doors. I cower into her arms with Emma in mine and push through.
As we enter I am temporarily blinded. Impossibly bright lights, everything is white and bare. I've never felt more disoriented. I can hear Sophie screaming for someone to come and help us, and then shuffling of feet. My eyes adjust as this white clad middle aged man runs up to me and tries to take Emma from me.
"No!" I yell. "Don't take her from me. Don't take her!"
I can't let her go.
"Please ma'am we only want to help, I have to examine the baby." The man reasons with me. My grip on Emma loses and he goes to grab her again. I stiffen but reluctantly let him take her.
He then runs off down the hall and it only takes a split second and I run after him, not wanting to lose sight of Emma. He places her on this huge bed with stark white sheets, and then takes this rope thing from around his neck and puts the end of it over Emma's heart.
He speaks to the other people there and they move so quickly that I can't keep up but I know it's serious - Emma's lips were turning blue. My view gets blocked by the doctor and I walk sideways until I can see her again, but what I see is absolutely horrifying and I gasp. He's pressing something big and shiny down her throat and I can't believe how I could've trusted him to take care of her. I feel anger and desperation rising up in me and I launch forward screaming on the top of my lungs.
"STOP IT. YOU'RE HURTING HER… GET AWAY FROM MY DAUGHTER!"
I don't get far until one of the others stops me in my tracks, I lash out knocking her to the floor but two more come up from behind grabbing my arms.
"LET GO OF ME! HOW DARE YOU! SHE'S MY CHILD… YOU HAVE NO RIGHT TO DO THIS!" I try yanking my arms free but I can't.
"Get her out of here." He says, now inserting something long down her throat.
"Got it," he says removing the big shiny thing leaving behind the other, and that is all I see before a curtain is drawn and shuts me out. I grow hysterical, trying to fight my way back. I jab my elbow into the woman on my right and shoot a fist in the other woman's face freeing myself from their grip.
As I was about to go back in I see them wheeling Emma off into another room, I rush to the door to open it and go after them when Sophie steps in.
"You can't go in there. You have to let them do their job. They are doing their best to help her." Sophie says trying to calm me down.
"NO! I'm her mother I have to be there with her." I scream at her as I try to reach behind her and get a hold on the door handle. "I'm supposed to be the one to help her. It's supposed to be my job to keep her safe. It's my fault she's sick…" I can feel the fight draining from me as the realisation dawns on me in full. "I should've known something was wrong. She was outside in the cold, only in a blanket. I should've wrapped her up more. It's my fault… It's all my fault…" I crumple into Sophie's arms sobbing. I cry muffled cries into her shoulder, tears flowing down my cheeks. I can feel her arms tightening around me.
"It's not your fault Mary. These things happen… it's not your fault."
She says this over and over. Her voice is so soft and sincere that I almost believe her but I can't shake the guilt that is eating at me. I cling to her for support thinking that if I let go I'll shatter…'her lips were blue'… I think picturing Emma's tiny body in the middle of that huge bed. Tears stream down my face in silence, quiet sobs wrack my body erratically until I run on empty and all that is left is trying to catch my breath.
I lose track of time, the longer it takes the more hopeless I feel.
I never noticed moving anywhere but Sophie has me sitting down on a bench, then she sits right next to me and I lay my head on her shoulder staring into nothing.
If there was a time to feel desolated and alone, this would be it. I long for Charming, I long to have his strong arms around me, his hand rubbing my back and whispering words of pure comfort in my ear. Feeling the warmth of his breath brushing against my neck whereby I would grip his shirt in my hands bringing him closer. There will never be a safer place than being in his arms, my heart aches for him to be here and tell me it'll be alright. I let out a long ragged breath and a single stray tear runs over the bridge of my nose, landing in the palm of my hand.
I hear voices but I can't make out any words. Sophie stands up but still keeps her grip on my hand.
"What's the girl's name?" Someone asks.
"Her name is Emma." Sophie says, which gets my attention and I look up. It's the same doctor from before and I start seeing red. I stand up to advance on him but my head starts spinning and I fall back down, breathing heavily.
Sophie rush to my side, but the man keeps his distance.
"Ma'am… your daughter is stable, she stopped breathing so we had to intubate her…"
What is he saying? I can't… "Is she okay?" That is all I want to know.
"Yes, for now. We suspect it's a pretty serious infection…"
"Can I see her?" I interrupt him again. I just need to see her… be with her, the rest can wait. I can't think straight enough to make any sense of anything he's trying to explain to me. All I want is to make sure Emma is okay.
"I'm sorry I think she's still in a bit of a shock. Is it okay if you tell me instead while you get her to see her daughter?" Sophie asks.
"Are you her family? You are aware I can only discuss these matters with another family member right?"
"She's family!" I interject harshly with an impatient voice, gritting my teeth and having no patience with him at all.
"Okay," he says, flinching slightly at the hostility in my voice. "Come this way, I'll bring you to your child."
Still feeling faint, Sophie helps me and takes my arm in hers but I let it go as soon as I enter Emma's room and see her. Sophie remains by the door to talk to the doctor as I hover over Emma. She's lying in a smaller bed similar to a crib but it looked cold and stiff and it reminded me of death, but that wasn't as bad as the image of my baby with wires sticking out of her and that ghastly tube in her mouth. With tears brimming in my eyes again I reach out, wanting to remove it but I feel a hand on my shoulder.
"Please don't. It's helping her breathe for the moment, as soon as she becomes a little stronger and can breathe fully on her own we'll take it out… okay?"
I shrug his hand off at the sound of his voice but nod curtly in response. He leaves the room with a promise that he'd check on us in a little while.
My hand had never left Emma's since I arrived at her side, I placed my finger in her fist but she didn't grip back, which felt like a needle in my heart… a reminder of how close I was to losing her. Although she was still warm her lips were no longer blue but I could see her discomfort by the wrinkles on her forehead. "Don't worry Emma I'm right here, I'm sorry…" My voice cracks and I wipe my nose. "I'm right here," I manage to whisper but my throat is in a vice, overcome with emotion.
"Here sit down," Sophie says bringing me a chair. She rubs my back as I sit and I can feel some of the tension fade away. I'd been so scared, I still am, but being with Emma again is a relief and I allow myself to relax a little.
"Would you want me to explain a little about what the doctor said?" She asks and I answer with a nod.
"First of all he told us that we'd done great by bringing her here right away and that we'd used wet cloths to keep her temperature from rising too high. Doing that probably postponed her deterioration. She has a serious infection and the fever is very bad. She's quite weak from fighting it off so that's why she stopped breathing.
They have her temperature under control now and they are giving her fluids," she explains pointing at a line that strapped to her foot, "because she was severely dehydrated."
She takes a deep breath before continuing. "He also says she's not out of the woods yet and that we have to wait and see if there's been any brain damage…" She says eyeing me carefully from across the bed. I'd been listening closely and I understood what she was saying but I couldn't believe it, Emma was not weak she was strong and she was fighting like crazy, which says her mind is made up to beat this and I believe in her. I believe this was just one of those battles she was sent here to fight, fight and conquer. My only regret is that she was put in this situation to begin with… because of me and the mistakes I've made.
I lay my head down on the bed right next to her… caressing her cheek.
"Are you okay?" Sophie asks worriedly.
"Yes," I whisper.
"I'm going to go look for some coffee or something, will you be alright for a minute?"
She interprets my silence as a yes and leaves me alone with Emma. 'Of course I'll be alright' I think, 'as long as I'm with you'.
I start so sing her a lullaby. This time it's the one my mother sang to me the last time I saw her, wanting to honour her memory and pull from her strength. She knew she wasn't going to see me again but still she made me feel safe and loved… she put me first even though it must've been the hardest thing she'd ever done. I was curled up right next to her, I had my head on her chest and she was combing through my dark curls. Her voice, even though it was weak, was the most beautiful voice… none other could compare…
And as I think of her and as I gently run my fingers over Emma's fair head of hair I sing.
Slumber my darling, thy mother is near
Guarding thy dreams from all terror and fear
Sunlight has passed and the twilight has gone
Slumber, my darling, the nights coming on
Sweet visions attend thy sleep, fondest dearest to me
While others their revels keep, I will watch over thee
Slumber, my darling, the birds are at rest,
The wandering dews by the flow'rs are caressed,
Slumber, my darling, I'll wrap thee up warm,
And pray that the angels will shield thee from harm
Slumber, my darling, till morn's blushing ray
Brings to the world the glad tidings of day;
Fill the dark void with thy dreamy delight—
Slumber, thy mother will guard thee tonight
Thy pillow shall sacred be, from all outward alarms;
Thou, thou are the world to me, in thine innocent charms
Slumber, my darling, the birds are at rest,
The wandering dews by the flow'rs are caressed,
Slumber, my darling, I'll wrap thee up warm,
And pray that the angels will shield thee from harm
…
I think I will make a time jump in the next chapter, just as a heads up. A small one and it will be a fluffy Christmas one even though I don't know when I will be able to post it, hopefully before new year ;)
Please review and share your thoughts on this! :D
Ps. the lullaby is 'Slumber my Darling' by Allison Krauss – my absolute favourite! (I like to think Snow thinks of her mother more than people think and I just love bringing her into the story every now and then).