Tale Two: Benevolence
"Have you seen the General's privates?"
"What?"
"Yeah, the General has lost his privates. Have you seen them?"
"Umm…"
"I hope we can find the General's privates, they are essential for the battle."
"…Have you checked his pants?"
"…Oh, Ha. That's not funny."
-Intro sequence with Shu warriors-
"It was kinda funny."
-Continue with intro sequence-
"Tana, tana, tana, Blodder! Tana, tana, tana, Wind Master! More guys more musou. Tana, tana, tana, everyone is dead. Oh, there is one guy coming for me. Tana tana tana."
"Ma Chao would you shut up," complained Zhao Yun.
"Kill Lui Pi. Tana tana tana. JUSTICE!"
"Honestly, why do I always get paired with this guy?"
Ma Chao and Zhao Yun had been dispatched to fight off the Wei forces.
"Ma Chao would you shut up during battle."
"I just killed 3,000 people. That's 3,000 widows."
"That's not cool."
"That means 3,000 more women for me."
"That's just messed up."
A generic officer approaches the two warriors.
"Cao Ren has fled the battlefield. Victory is ours."
"That's good to here. Tell the troops to rest. We will leave for Chengdu in the morning," replied Zhao Yun.
"Blahlalalalalalala, 20 bazillion hit combo. Blahlalalalalalalla, JUSTICE!" Ma Chao was still in the distance killing off the retreating enemy forces.
-Back in Chengdu-
"My brother, are you all right?" Guan Yu ran over to Lui Bei.
Lui Bei turns around only to be Zhang Jiao wearing Lui Bei's clothing.
"Ah!"
"I liked that outfit so I took it and put it on," informed Zhang Jiao.
"… You're weird." Guan Yu stabbed him and then ran off with a monkey wearing Zhang Jiao's clothing. Later they would marry.
"AHHHHHHHHHHHH!" Guan Yu woke up in cold sweat. "It was just a dream."
-Later-
Guan Yu made his way to the dining hall. As he neared his destination, he could hear is friends' chatter.
"Yeah, I had this weird dream. I ran off with a monkey, and a narrator announced that I later married it," said Huang Zhong.
"Me…monkey…marry…too!" replied Wei Yan.
"… You're weird." Guan Yu stabbed him and then ran off.
Guan Yu wakes up in a warm sweat. "Ew, Why's it so warm."
-Later-
Guan Yu made his way to the dining hall. As he neared his destination, he could hear is friends' chatter.
"Yeah, I had this weird dream. I ran off with a monkey, and a narrator announced that I later married it," said Huang Zhong.
"Me…monkey…marry…too!" replied Wei Yan.
Guan Yu stopped in his tracks. After a moment to himself, he pinched his arm to reassure that he is indeed awake this time. He felt at ease upon feeling a slight sting from his pinch.
Once inside the dining hall, Guan Yu proceeded to greet his friends. "Good morning. What is for breakfast?"
"Hi ya, its rice with pork cutlets," replied Zhang Fei.
"Sounds good."
"By the way, you do realize it's three in the morning and you're just dreaming, right?"
"Huh?"
Suddenly Zhang Fei flew away with pixie wigs and Guan Yu was laying in bed next to a Wei Yan.
"I…monkey…marry…Guan…Yu…"
Guan Yu simply stabbed Wei Yan and then flew off with the aid of his own pixie wigs.
"AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!" Guan Yu woke up from his dream. "What the hell?"
-Somewhere else-
Zhao Yun rolled over to his side as he slept. Nevertheless, he suddenly awoke to extreme heat. He opened his eyes only to view Ma Chao's face right next to his. A few seconds later, he jumped out from under his blanket. "What the hell are you doing in my tent and under my blanket? And, for the love of god, why are you NAKED?"
Ma Chao rolled over onto his other side. "It's cold."
-Somewhere else, else-
Lui Bei was having trouble sleeping. Zhuge Liang's words were still ringing in his ears. Could Lui Bei really unite the land and form a world of benevolence? The thought of ending the people's suffering filled him with sheer delight. With a man like Zhuge Liang at his said, Lui Bei was certain to realize his dreams.
Not being able to sleep due to excitement, Lui Bei rose from bed and decided to prepare himself for a meeting with his officers. He wished for his desires to be known, in addition, Zhuge Liang and Pang Tong will present their next plan. By having Zhao Yun and Ma Chao successfully defend Jing Province, now was the time to advance upon Wei.
-9 AM-
"So, it has been settled. We will attack Wei," announced Lui Bei. "Prepare the troops. We will depart as soon as possible. The road to Belevolence is near."
-Belevolence?- Thought Zhuge Liang.
"Yes brother, you are truly a belevolent leader," complimented Guan Yu.
"Let's hear it for the bologna Lui Bei." Everyone cheered along with Zhang Fei.
Zhuge Liang looked on in confusion. -Bologna? Why can't anyone here pronounce benevolence correctly? It's not that hard.-
"Hooray bologna!"
Zhuge Liang let out a sigh of disappointment.
"Ba…na…na…Lui…Bei…" Everyone except Zhuge Liang cheered to Wei Yan's inspirational words.
-Oh, for the love of god. Banana?- Out of all the officers, Zhuge Liang truly believed Wei Yan was the dumbest one, which was saying something considering Wei Yan was being compared to Ma Chao as well.
Just then the doors burst open. "JUSTICE!" Ma Chao and Zhao Yun had returned from their conquest in Jing Province. "Fear not everyone, Jing will continue on to serve Justice."
"Ah, you two are just in time. We are making preparation to attack Wei," informed Pang Tong.
"Yes, the time for belevolence is upon us," added Lui Bei.
Zhao Yun bowed before his lord. "I look forward to paving the road of bentos, my lord."
Ma Chao placed a hand on Zhao Yun's shoulder. "With Justice and brothels on our side, we will surely succeed!"
"Brothels?" questioned Zhao Yun
-Huh? He actually caught that one.- Zhuge Liang was surprised to notice Zhao Yun's perception considering the fact that the warrior had himself pronounced benevolence as bentos.
"Hey, Justice needs love too," enlightened Ma Chao.
"…"
-Days Later-
"We Lost!"
The End