I didn't scrape together enough courage to tell Goren how I felt about him during my pregnancy. I worried too much about what might happen if the things I thought were signs of more than friendly affection were simply that, so I kept my mouth shut and went on with my life.
Goren was, unsurprisingly, the first person outside my family to know that my nephew had been born, even before Sean's own partner. He arrived at the hospital, taking his rightful place amongst the Horde to admire a tiny bundle, wrapped in a blue blanket, Nathan Robert McAdam. He congratulated Beth and Sean, accepted hugs from my mother and father, and didn't raise an eyebrow at the choice of middle name. After all, my brother Rob and Beth are extremely close, as twins are supposed to be. He didn't know that I was the one who chose it and I didn't enlighten him.
He sat by my bed long after my family had gone home, leaving just me, Goren and Nathan. Talking softly in that amazing voice of his, telling me about what was going on at work and answering my queries about his mother's health. When I started to doze he rose to leave but sat back down when I asked him to stay until I'd fallen asleep. He didn't question my request, in fact he almost seemed relieved by it.
The next morning I woke to find a fresh cup of my favourite coffee, not allowed during my pregnancy or the preceding months of treatment, and a Danish from my favourite bakery sitting on the table across the foot of my bed. The nurse confirmed that 'my husband' had dropped in but that no sooner had he arrived than he'd taken a phone call and had to leave. She seemed quite smitten, bless her, though she was quite upset on my behalf that he seemed to think work was more important than me and 'our' new baby. I'd smiled at her, taken a large bite of the Danish, followed by an even bigger gulp of the coffee and shaken my head. I didn't bother explaining about Goren or Nathan for that matter. I simply enjoyed a few minutes of fantasy that her perception was the right one.
I worked hard to get fit again after the pregnancy. Cleared for light to moderate exercise I went swimming every day and did my postnatal exercises religiously. Once my doctor signed me fit to return to the gym, I put in maximum effort to get back into shape for my return to work. I really missed seeing Goren every day, listening to him rattle off theories about our latest case, any excuse to listen to that voice.
I missed his crime scene antics, touching everything that came within reach of those dextrous fingers of his, prodding bodies and aggravating the ME and CSU Technicians, I even missed his 'sniffing' habit that had sent so many partners running for the hills before I came along. I was bored spending my days at the gym or visiting with my family, rather than questioning some witness or other and watching my smart ass partner mimicking their body language and vocal patterns without them realising what he was doing. I wanted to be in an interrogation room whilst Goren lulled yet another unsuspecting suspect into a false sense of security before we produced that one little piece of information that would send them into a tailspin, leaving them to spew their confession and be handed over to the uniforms for transfer to booking. Hell, I even missed just sitting across from him doing paperwork and drinking coffee. Life was too quiet without him around all the time.
It's not as if I didn't see Goren while I was on leave. He'd drop by most evenings when he finished work, which considering the locations of our respective homes showed me that he was at least missing me. On his days off, if he wasn't visiting his mother, he'd spend the day with me or, if he was, he'd come by my place on his way back to the city. Just before I was due to go back to work there was a certain tension between us that hadn't been evident before Nathan's birth, something I couldn't quite pin down. I thought it might be something to do with Bishop. I knew, from things Deakins had said when he'd called me during my maternity leave, that Goren wasn't working with her as well as Deakins would have liked. There was nothing to worry about, our Captain had reassured me, 'It's just she's not you, I guess' he'd chuckled.
If we didn't actually see each other we'd talk on the phone, sometimes talking for over an hour about nothing in particular, baseball, cars, what Lewis had been getting up to at the body shop, whether Chris had managed to find a space for yet another tattoo. If he was particularly late getting home from work, he'd call me to say goodnight, checking that I was okay and didn't need anything before he turned in for the night. I told myself I was imagining it when I thought I heard a longing tone in his voice during some of those calls, almost as if he wished he were with me rather than on the phone in another part of the city. That didn't stop me laying awake long after I'd put the phone down, wishing the same thing myself. Those days when we didn't see each other I felt as though part of me was missing, something I'd never experienced before, not after I'd handed Nathan to Beth, not even when Joe died. That's when I realised how much I needed Goren in my life and that was exactly why I couldn't run the risk of losing him, not if I could help it anyway.
According to departmental policy I could have taken another two months off but as soon as the Department's Physical Health Board certified me fit for duty I was back in the squad room. Goren was particularly enthusiastic about my return, almost bouncing out of his chair when he saw me walk through the door but somehow managing to remain in his seat. The obligatory coffee and Danish were awaiting me on my desk. The Santa Mug, which I knew had resided on his desk throughout my absence, was sitting next to my phone. When I opened my drawer to put away my purse I found a large bag of Skittles waiting for me, I glanced up at him then grinning, probably looking like a complete idiot but I didn't care. I was back and nothing, but nothing, was getting me to leave my partner to work without me again. At least that's what I thought at the time.