Chapter 4 - Christian

One month later...

With a blank stare, Christian focused on nothing in particular as he sat upright in his king size bed with his laptop propped open. The pads of his fingers hovered over the plastic keys ready for a response but frozen with distraction upon his intruding thoughts. Ones that continued to ambush him from every corner of his mind and weighed heavy on his soul.

A tortured soul, his internal sarcasm fluttered forward. He groaned at the thought of his twisted perception of himself. How fucking pathetic of him to view himself in such a way, even if it held some truth.

In the hopes of erasing his current distraction, Christian closed his eyes tight. Somehow this small action would fix it all. Somehow when he reopened his eyes he would regain concentration and his sanity, but that was wishful thinking. Instead, he bore a hole into the screen of his laptop as he stared at the demanding world that beckoned him nearly 24/7.

The business world never slept, and neither did he. Fully charged and programmed to face the challenges that it presented him with day in and day out, he was always ready. Whether he sat behind a desk, gripped a phone in his hand, or stood before the executive board, he felt in his element. This was the life he had strived for. This was the life he envisioned himself in for as long as he could remember, and now as it called on him once more, he lacked any response.

Christian placed his hand to his head as the subtle aches reminded him that despite his best efforts, he was not a whole man just yet. There was no way to accelerate the healing process mentally and physically. Only time could do that, and it aroused the frustration inside him. He didn't have time to for this. His life could not stop temporarily because of what happened, even if the doctor had strictly advised that it should. All his hard work could not go to waste no matter what condition he was in. People depended on him and vice versa. His life and his work could not be simply put on hold.

With another attempt to refocus, he scanned the inbox of his e-mail. A laundry list of unanswered messages begged for his attention and only made his head hurt more. The subject titles ranged from his typical daily inquiries to get well soon e-cards from various people. At least, these good wishes could be deleted in the blink of an eye, unlike the dozen of flowers, balloons, and crappy chocolates that filled his foyer at the moment. His shocking accident had really caused a concern to many, which shouldn't have been alarming since most people business and non-business had at least heard of his name and what had happened.

To common knowledge, he led an ideal life, and for the most part that was true. A life filled with opportunity, recognition for hard work, and a hefty salary that continued to grow. Anyone in his position would be more than comfortable and nearly set for the remainder of his years on Earth, and he was. He had no room for complaints when it came to his successes, which outweighed his failures. Business is easy, people are hard. Someone once told him that in his early years of his career and how quickly he learned it. All it took was a taste of the right side of the business spectrum and he was hooked. His need for success became stronger. His skill to control and persuade those around him became easier. He was on the uprise to be one of the most powerful men in the nation, and he wanted to it to stay that way. But, he felt like something was missing. While his desire was still strong, he no longer felt like he was behind the wheel of his own life. Someone else had taken hold of it and it concerned him.

For so long, he lived in a bubble that he had created. A sacred place that was his, and now he felt outside of it. He desperately wanted to crawl back into it and feed himself with the complex distractions it brought. The world that had molded him into the man he was today was no longer what filled his head constantly. Instead, something else had seeped into the cracks and flooded his mind, along with someone else, too.

He felt the thick fog cloud his thoughts again just like it had when he awoke in the hospital one month ago. A fog that had lingered in a thin disperse prior to his accident but had rapidly spread as he succumbed to those many days asleep and from that moment on. He wished for it to vanish. He wished for it even clear up a bit so he could properly wrap his head around everything, but it only continued to stand in his way. Any normalcy he once felt was gone, and he absolutely hated it.

"I want to feel normal, damn it!" The raspy sound of his outburst in the hospital played out in his head like a vivid memory. He sensed the chill he spread throughout the room that momentarily froze the medical staff, his parents, and Elena. All who looked startled and sympathetic for him. He didn't want their damn sympathy, though. He deserved it, especially after everything he had done, but it didn't mean that he wasn't appalled with how helpless he felt. No one could understand, except for one other person. Her name was Ana, the girl he had wrongfully included into his fucked up actions. He knew she had to feel to some degree what he felt. The frustration, anger, and confusion he gathered into a tightly wound ball, but he knew better than to seek her out for a therapy session. After all, it was fucked up to try to lean on the person who he almost killed.

You're a downright fuck up, Grey, he scorned himself. Christian Grey, the fuck up. That's what the headlines should have read proceeding his accident. Not, Business Mogul Christian Grey Loses Control of His Car, or Christian Grey: On The Road To Recovery. It all made him sound so innocent when he was far from it. What the media didn't know was the amount of alcohol that had been in his blood stream. That piece of information had been left out with the help of his legal team and a persuasive check as it could ruin his image. The last thing he needed, according to Elena and those who worked with or around him was a PR scandal just as he was about to take the throne of one of the most profitable corporations. Even he knew that it, but it still didn't mean it felt right.

On most occasions, he didn't give a shit what the media published about him whether it was an article that praised him for his work or attacked him for it. As long as he knew what he was doing was beneficial in some way, he carried on. However, it wasn't just his work that was hot off the press. It was his personal life that had been twisted and written in such a way for entertainment purposes. The public ate it up like the vile shit that it was and it disgusted him. Didn't they have anything better to do than to believe the farce published in the tabloid magazines?

Just the thought of being in those piece of trash publications made him want to throw his fist at something. It was one thing to shine the spotlight on his career, but him as a person was different. He didn't want that to become the main focus. He didn't want people to know him as a person. He wanted them to know him as a businessman. A powerful businessman who made all the right moves and was recognized for his accomplishments, even his mistakes which rarely happened. But that just wasn't the how the media worked. They couldn't help but stray away from the facts.

So, who was Christian Grey by media standards? He was a power-driven business mogul who had quickly climbed his way to the top and continued to do so. Men wanted to be him while women wanted to be with him. He was defined as perfection wrapped into a well-tailored suit, but he was far from it. By definition according to his standards, he was a lonely man that filled the void with his work and a good fuck every now and then. He wore a mask that made people believe that he was less than flawed when in reality he was a fucked up son of a bitch who never truly loved anyone, just the idea of them and that was more fucked up than anything else. His life was far from stable. His life wasn't even near perfect, but as long as it appeared to be that way it was fine by him. If anyone ever truly got a glimpse of what went on inside his head or learned the truth behind each cleverly planned out action, it would taint his reputation and he wasn't sure he wanted that either.

His life was a never ending tennis match. One moment he was sure he was doing everything he felt was right and the next he questioned it all. It was aggravating to bounce back and forth like he did, but he could not help it. It was just the way his brain ticked as of lately.

On the outside of his bedroom door, he heard the high-pitched voice that belonged to his fiancée, Elena Lincoln argue with someone over the phone. It was muffled but he knew enough that whoever she was speaking to was about to get the wrath of her persistence and need to have things her way.

Just like her father, William Lincoln, she was a mastermind when it came to business. It had been what attracted him to her. He still could remember the day he sat in on his very first business meeting with Lincoln Corporations. A harsh, yet beautiful blonde sat across from him as her eyes willingly undressed him as she conducted an outline for the quarter. She was smart, strong-willed, and looked damn good in her tight dress. She also was older, but that didn't stop him from wanting to fondle her in his office later on. Despite his best efforts to keep his leggy distraction to a minimum, that wasn't the only highlight from that day. His impressive presentation caught the attention of his boss, Mr. Lincoln who recognized he was far more advanced than half the staff that silently sat and scribbled notes onto their pads of paper. The man he only dreamed of working for had him on his radar and quickly after that he was presented with a much more worthy title and position in the company that he gladly accepted.

For five years he worked beside Mr. Lincoln as they continued to crush the competition and raise their profits, all the while making a name for himself. His casual fling with Elena stayed under wraps and behind closed doors. He had everything he wanted. He was not only satisfied in his career but in the bedroom too. All the cards worked in his favor and continued to do so until he was called into Mr. Lincoln's office. As he took a seat, Elena's name slipped past the lips of his predecessor and instantly he felt that his fate was doomed. He had been sleeping with the boss's daughter and the boss knew, but he wasn't necessarily disappointed or disgusted with him. It was more like a proposition and before Christian knew it he was down on one knee with a flashy diamond ring before Elena asking for not only her hand in marriage but in the greatest business move ever.

According to Mr. Lincoln, his plan for retirement had descended on him sooner than expected and from the pressure of the board. A younger and fresher face had the potential to revive the corporation and he knew of the perfect candidate. With his trust already fully in Christian, he knew he was the only man he could leave the company to but under one condition. Christian had to make it official with Elena. Mr. Lincoln may not have wanted to know what was going on behind closed doors between him and his daughter, but he knew enough. If he wanted to control the empire that Lincoln Corporations had become, he had to take care of her, too.

To the public eye, it was a scandal for the soon to be CEO to be fucking one of the staff members, even if Elena was much more than that to the company. Mr. Lincoln refused to have that kind of press. Instead, an official announcement of a union between the two would bring good press and a smooth transition to his occupation of the throne. While he never imagined his life going down this particular path, he knew that it was necessary to get what he wanted. The dream to be a CEO of an elite company had always been at the top of his list and now he was presented with the opportunity. He'd be stupid not to take advantage of it. And while his relationship with Elena was based on nothing more than just sex, there was a tingle of some repressed feelings for her so marrying her couldn't be so bad, right? After all, he knew she wanted more with him.

A deep sighed escaped him as he tilted his head back as reflected.

Once upon a time, he was so sure that every move he made was in his best interests, but now he wasn't so sure. It was like he was just going through the motions now. Nothing in his life seemed pleasurable or satisfactory anymore. His internal conflict with himself lingered day after day. The temporary tattoo of annoyance he wore on his sleeve that he hoped would fade with time never did, though. Instead, it sewed and patched itself on him permanently. Due to his lack of enthusiasm for all things in his life, he sought for an escape and an escape was exactly what he got.

That night he decided to drown his pitiful self in a poison of his choice had been his desperate move to step back from it all. While it was not like him to fall back on liquor to cure his demons, he needed a night alone and to live a little. The life he once enjoyed and looked forward to had been sucked dry from him. Somehow he needed to find it again, and if that meant sneaking off to a hole in the wall bar so be it. Not a single soul but himself knew his whereabouts that night, and he had made sure of that on purpose. Not even his personal security guard/driver, Taylor had any clue about his secret rendezvous party of one. Just the thought of his plan being known by another person made him cringe. It was not that he didn't trust Taylor or the people closest to him to leave him be for a night. It was the fact that his out of character actions would cause some questions, which would lead to actual questions and his confession of his problems. The last thing he wanted was to acknowledge them out in the open and especially not to Elena. If there was one person he needed a night away from, it was her. And so, off he went in the night with his GPS locked and loaded with his destination. What he didn't know was how out of hand it would become and how far he would take it.

His blood boiled at the memory. He was furious with himself for what he had done. It was one thing to let off a little steam. It was another to be fucking irresponsible about it. All the stress that had piled up on him had left him blind to his judgment. Why did he have to decide to drive that night? Why did he consume more alcohol than planned? But most of all, why had he been so stupid to think that it he was fine to get behind the wheel of his car?

So much for not having to explain yourself, he wallowed at what he tried so hard to avoid. If he could go back in time, he would have called a taxi or locked himself away in his room and got the job done with a bottle. But no, he had to be adventurous. He had to cure the urge to stray away from the strategic business plan that was his life. Instead of mending his personal issues with his current affairs, he only made them worse or at least added to them. Now, his family and close business affiliates thought he had a secret drinking problem and were aware that Christian Grey had some demons locked away in his closet.

Christian violently closed his laptop shut and ran his hand over his face roughly. What he needed right about now was a long run to possibly clear his head, but he couldn't. Not only was he not allowed to participate in such strenuous activities, he simply didn't have the strength to. Just like work, exercise for him had always been a great stress reliever. He imagined his legs and arms pumping vigorously as he picked up speed. The smell and sound of the water from the lake splashing against the concrete wall as he passed other runners who exerted their energy along the path next to Lake Michigan. Running faster and faster until his chest and legs burned. Shit, with all his pent of energy he could run a fucking marathon after all of this or even toward the north side of the city where Ana lived.

His heart stopped at the thought. Where did that come from? He really did need to stop letting her creep her way back into his thoughts. It was becoming consistent and concerning. It was one thing to be disturbed by what he had done to her, but it was another to be haunted by her. His pulse began to vibrate rapidly inside his chest as let himself slip away into the dark hole that she occupied. He touched his bottom lip with his index finger and stroked it as he pictured the tiny, brown-haired girl that stared back at him in the hospital the day he woke up.

The sadness that hid behind her big eyes only brought him sadness. The pain that she wore plainly across her face he felt. And then there was something else. Something he couldn't figure out. An emotion she captured for him and toward him that she tried to suppress. He saw it that day, but what was it. Confusion was definitely mixed with it, however, it was not solely it. He wanted to know what it was. In fact, he wanted to know everything she felt because he knew he felt it too. What had happened to them had connected them in the most unlikely way, but the connection was not mutual. It was obvious he had hurt her physically and emotionally. She had every right to hold a grudge against him. She had every right to hate him, but that didn't mean he wanted her to feel that way. What he wanted was a chance for him to show her how sorry he truly was. That he wasn't a drunk or irresponsible human being. That in most cases he had complete control of his life and could be a nice guy when he wanted to be. Whatever picture she had painted of him, it wasn't a good one and he wanted to change that, but how?

His curiosity continued to wander further down the rabbit hole as he wondered if Ana knew who he was prior to their messy introduction. There were so many things he wanted to know about her and the list only got longer each day. He already knew the basics like her name, where she lived, and her occupation. It was all common knowledge that had been presented to him by a nurse, one who tended to him every day in the hospital and who obviously fond him attractive. She was putty in his hands as he asked how Ana was doing and casually brought up that he like to send flowers to her home when he found out she was discharged. It seemed like an innocent gesture all things considering. Sometimes his charm worked in his favor.

It was scary how much time he spent thinking about the girl, who's life he nearly destroyed. It wasn't just his apology that he wanted to give that brought on his daydreams. Simple things that crossed his mind like if she liked the flowers he sent her. He never did get a thank you from her. More than likely she had tossed them after she saw who they were from, but he didn't care. As long as she got them and knew that he cared, he was content with that. But that was just one thought of many.

For a man who was about to married, he really shouldn't have been thinking about another woman. What man does that? One who isn't happy, he screamed at himself. It was the obvious answer. One that he wouldn't admit to, though.

Besides the fact that he was intrigued by Ana, there was something else about her that bothered him. Something that made him believe that she was not a complete stranger to him at all. It was as if he knew her or at least seen her before, but where? Also, the sound of her voice that guided him up from his sleep state didn't sit well with him either. Why had she been the one to wake him from his spell? There was something someone or his subconscious wasn't telling him. All he did know was he wanted to find out what that was and the only way to do so was to see her again.

A knock on his bedroom startled him from his inappropriate thoughts as Elena entered the bedroom with her phone in her hand and she sighed. "I'm coming this close," as she pinched her fingers together leaving a tiny space between, "to firing our wedding planner and doing this whole thing myself. Apparently, she is having a hard time moving things around due to the date change. Does the woman not have any balls?"

Christian closed his eyes. It was inevitable that their wedding date had to be moved back due to his recovery time, but that didn't mean he wanted to hear about it. He left all the planning and what not to Elena, who pawned it off on someone. He knew the second she made that decision he would never hear the end of it.

"Maybe you should," he mumbled and pinched the bridge of his nose.

"You know I don't have time for that. That's why I hired someone else to handle all the planning." She brushed off his comment and walked over to the large window that overlooked the city. Elena huffed once more before she turned around and pouted her lips. "I'm sorry, darling. Here I am complaining and I haven't even asked how you are feeling."

"Just the same."

Elena walked toward the bed and sat down on the edge next to him.

"You've been working. You know you're not supposed to be." Her voice was condescending.

"What the hell am I supposed to do? Just sit here and be a fucking mope? No, thank you." Christian grabbed his laptop and placed it back on his lap.

"Daddy has people taking care of your work for you." She informed him for the millionth time and moved his laptop to the nightstand. "He says not to worry and get as much rest as you can so you're ready for the big day."

"I'm tired of resting. I'm tired of being stuck in this penthouse." He pushed himself up.

"I know you're frustrated, but you're not going to get better overnight." A long pause followed and he knew exactly where the conversation was headed. "I still don't understand why you did it."

So much disappointment and anger were conveyed in her voice. "I told you I don't want to talk about it," he warned her in a snippy tone. "So can you please stop?"

"But you can talk about it with your therapist?" Elena raised an eyebrow.

"Yes, because it's my fucking therapist."

He could see in her eyes that wasn't the answer she was hoping for. Maybe with time, he could explain it to her, but right now he wanted to stay mute about the topic with her. As much as he knew Elena had her own agenda, now was not the time to bring up the fact that he was slightly fucked in the head even if it was obvious. Not to mention, he did not want to delay his succession to the throne. Even if an ounce of doubt was planted in Mr. Lincoln's head that he could not handle the role, there was a very plausible chance that he would lose everything all together. No fucking way in hell was he about to ruin his chances of what he worked so hard for because he couldn't sort out his issues.

"Well, then it's a good thing he'll be here this afternoon after your physical therapy session." She stood abruptly. "You two can sort out whatever it is that made you act like an irresponsible child that night."

Her stance welcomed an argument and something else. On more than one occasion had their fights turned into angry sex. It was almost accustom for them to end up naked in bed or on the floor of his or her apartment after a heated spat, but not this time. In no way was he aroused, he was actually pissed off at her and wanted her to leave. He needed to fume for a bit before he could come to his senses again and be the tolerable asshole that he was. When she realized that the outcome was less than likely going to happen, she flipped her perfectly styled hair and stormed toward the door.

"I'm going to lunch with a few friends. I'll be back after your therapy session and maybe we can revisit this argument." She announced and closed the door behind her.

Lunch with a few friends? More like gloat about how hard it was to be a working woman and take care of her helpless fiance. He could imagine Elena really playing up the pity card since clearly he wasn't showing her much attention lately. He laughed at the thought. If only they knew that she didn't even lift a finger to help him. That was what hired help was for, more like Taylor. That man would do anything for him. His loyalty was stronger than any force of nature and he didn't thank him enough for it.

As he peered at the clock on his nightstand, he knew he had a solid thirty minutes before his physical therapist would arrive. Another day spent with five-pound weights, and a pair of hands on his back to help strengthen his muscles back into shape. It wasn't enjoyable, but it was necessary. Then an idea struck him. He quickly slid his thumb across the screen of his phone and found the number for his assistant.

"Mr. Grey? How are you? I thought you were sticking to email responses only while you recovered." The small voice of his assistant rattled off.

"I'm fine. Listen, Andrea, I need you to relocate my physical therapy session at the hospital. I know it's last minute, but if you could just take care of it that would be great." He advised her. "And have Dr. Flynn meet me there, too."

Without questioning his request, she simply replied in an almost excited voice, "On it, Mr. Grey."

As one phone call ended, another began as he rang Taylor. "Taylor, I need you to bring me to the hospital." He could hear the concern of Taylor's voice and the pace of his feet outside his bedroom quicken. "For my physical therapy session. I've moved it to there." The footsteps halted upon his realization that it wasn't urgent.

A burst of excitement exploded inside him. He was just going to the hospital, but at least, it wouldn't be here. He was tired of people dictating his life and being forced to live out his recovery high up in the sky of his penthouse. He craved interaction. He wanted a change of scenery, but more than anything he hoped to see Ana again.