Disclaimer: I own nothing.

Chapter 4

December 16, 1933 – New York City, New York

"Ya got me all dressed up and ya won't even tell me where you're takin' me."

"That's half the fun, ya little firecracker."

Darcy rolled her eyes and tugged the two of them closer to her. They were on the outskirts of the city, having been dropped off by a cab a few blocks back. It was a surprise, they'd insisted.

After Steve had gotten better, he'd withdrawn from her. There was no more necking and no more cuddles. She was lucky that she got to hold his arm as they walked. It hurt her and she didn't understand what she'd did wrong to cause him to recoil almost every time she reached for him.

A large tent appeared in the distance and she held her breath. She'd never been to a circus before. Lights danced across the outside of the white tent and her heart sped up in excitement.

"Been plannin' this since your birthday, babydoll," Bucky said, nudging her hip with his own. "Hope ya like it."

It was everything she'd dreamt of and more.

The colors, the lights, the animals.

Most of all, her eyes were drawn to a girl that couldn't have been more than eighteen that was on a tightrope at the very top of the tent. She seemed to be a staple in almost every act. She assisted the knife thrower, retrieving them after her threw them – always hitting the target. She rode atop the animals, making them dance and performing with an elephant that both frightened and exhilarated Darcy.

She was a work of art and Darcy was transfixed.

"Ya ready to go home?" Steve asked, looking around a little fidgety.

Bucky groaned. "Hold on, punk. I wanna get a look at that fire guy. You comin'?"

"Go on," Darcy urged them both, wanting to track down the dancer. "I'll meet ya both near the front."

Bucky dragged a reluctant Steve off and Darcy took off, nearly tripping in the heels that she'd decided to wear.

"Ya lost, little lady?"

She turned and met the kind smile of an older gentleman. Shaking her head, a curl popped loose and she smiled. "No, sir. I was lookin' for the girl that walked the tightrope. She… she was somethin'."

The man laughed. "She's got a sweetheart in the city. This was her last performance for the next year or so. You any good on a tightrope, doll?"

She blushed down to her roots. "I never tried, mister. I dance, but that's 'bout it. Trying to get into school for it, but it's real expensive."

"Tell ya what. If you're interested in runnin' away with the circus, we don't clear outta here until Wednesday mornin'." He tapped his chin thoughtfully. "We can get ya trained in no time and money's pretty good, too. We normally do a pretty routine circuit. You'd be back here in about a year."

"I…I'll think about it, sir."

"Name's John Ringling, doll. I look forward to seeing more of ya."

Darcy crept inside after bidding her boys goodnight. She set her shoes on the stairs and turned to go upstairs when the light clicked on behind her and she shrieked.

"Shhh!"

She whirled around with her hand on her heart, letting out a breathless gasp. "Spot?"

"Got leave for the holidays," he shrugged, standing and taking off her coat. "Figured I'd have to drop in and see how Rogers is treatin' ya."

She rolled her eyes, strutting into the kitchen for a drink as Spot followed her. She looked him over when he set down across the table from her and worried her lip at what she saw.

Spot was put together pretty well, but she knew his tells.

The collar on his shirt was torn just barely and the shadows under his eyes spoke of nightmares that he couldn't get away from. His smile was tired and forced, but she let it go, knowing he'd only talk if he wanted to.

"Well?"

"Me and Steve…broke up, I guess. He got real sick, ended up in the hospital and he…he hasn't wanted to be with me or anythin'."

He looked at her oddly. "Rogers…broke up…with you? He knows he's not gonna do any better, right?"

"Spot!"

"Doll, you've looked in the mirror, I'm sure o' it. You're a damned knockout – "

"Language."

"And he'd be stupider'n he looks to let ya go. Do I need t' go knock some sense into him?"

She shook her head in exasperation. "I wanna join the circus," she blurted before she could think better of it.

"What?" He looked like a baking sheet had just smacked him. "A circus? What?"

"I'm plannin' on takin' the test to graduate this week and I don't have enough money to get to Russia if I get accepted in New York City. I thought I could work to save up money and get outta here for a while. See if I like travelin'."

"What'd'ya mean ya don't have enough money? Darce, what 'bout all that money ya saved up from the papers?"

She worried her bottom lip. "Steve was sick and he had to have surgery. Mrs. Rogers couldn't afford it…I couldn't let him die, Spot. He's…he said my words and what if he's mine? What if my words disappeared when he died?"

"Darcy…that was your education."

Disappointment was coming off of Spot in waves and it made her eyes water. She'd never once second guessed her choice to use the money to save Steve and she never would.

"I can make more money – I can't get another Steve."

Shaking his head, he relented. "And what 'bout this circus?"

"They need a new tightrope walker. I watched her do it, doesn't seem too hard. I'm a bit heavier than her, but I think I can do it." She smiled. "I only have to work for a year and then I'll be back in the city. I'll be able to travel and see the states. I think I'd be good at it. Mr. Ringling seemed to think so."

Spot's eyes widened. "Ringling? Mr. Ringling? Like Ringling Brothers?"

"Oh. Oh."

"Fuck, doll. Ya don't have a choice. If Mr. Goddamned Ringling said you'd be good at it, then go."

Darcy couldn't even chide him for his language as she thought about it. She was in over her head. She'd better learn how to swim.

"You're gonna push her away completely if ya keep this shit up, punk."

Steve groaned, scrubbing his hand over his face. He was being unfair to her, he knew that. But she'd already given him so much of herself that he could never repay.

"If this is still 'bout ya holdin' her back, ya gotta stop. You're hurtin' her, Steve."

"I don't want t' hurt her, Buck. I don't want her t' think it's her job t' take care o' me. My ma's runnin' herself into th' ground. I can't do that t' her, too."

Bucky fought back a grin at how much his Brooklyn was coming out when he was tired, but sighed anyway. "Just…try not to push her away. She loves you."

"I know."

December 19, 1933 – Brooklyn, New York

Everything was coming together.

She'd taken her graduation test and passed with flying colors. She'd told Mrs. Dorsett about her plans to get some real experience performing before she auditioned in New York City – she promptly left out the fact that she was joining the circus – and she had all her important belongs packed and ready to go. She'd thought about leaving a letter for her boys, but she wasn't really sure what to say.

The words around her wrists seemed to burn her skin and she was happy that she'd decided to fit ribbons around them, just in case anyone was to see. She wanted to go and explore, travel and be free before being tied down. Not that she'd ever consider being with Bucky and Steve tied down.

"What's up, doll?"

She smiled up at Bucky, ducking under his arm and swinging through the open door of the market.

"Just wanted to swing by and make sure ya were doin' okay." She hopped up on the counter and snatched an apple from the stand. Taking a bite, she mumbled, "Thought ya'd be happier to see me."

He chuckled. Shutting the door, he made his way over to her and grabbed the apple, taking a bite out of the unblemished side. "'m always happy to see ya."

Bucky wasn't particularly smart when it came to women – at least that's what his ma said – but he could definitely read a room. And it sure seemed like it was written that Darcy as going to drop some news of her own.

"All right, Darce, spit it out."

She shook her head. "Not sure what ya mean."

"I've known ya for a while now, doll. Ya can't hide whatever you're tryin' to hide. Might as well spill th' beans now."

She groaned, swiping the apple back from him and biting into it, not caring that she'd just bit over his part. "I graduated."

A beat passed before he scratched the back of his neck. "So, you're headed to the city?"

"Soon."

"Did ya tell Stevie?"

"I…I'm not sure how he'll take it." She laughed self-deprecatingly. "He hasn't exactly been bein' too nice to me since he left the hospital."

"We took ya to the circus – "

"You took me to the circus. Steve kinda just went along with it. He looked uncomfortable the entire time and barely let me hold his arm."

Bucky knew she was speaking the truth. Steve had been standoffish since he'd found out where the money came from, but he was hoping he'd come around.

"What're ya lookin' for? Want him to kiss ya like he did 'fore he got sick? Want him to wrap his arms 'round that little waist o' yours?" He crowded her, positioning himself between her spread legs and cupping her jaw with his left hand. He could practically feel her pulse and it only riled him up more. "What'd'ya want, baby?"

"I want him to love me like you love me."

He smiled, resting his forehead against hers. "Ya think I love ya?" His voice rumbled, low and sure.

"I know ya do."

His mouth was on hers as the last word slipped out of her mouth. Teeth clashed together and a moan built in the back of her throat. Her fingers tangled in his hair and secured his mouth to hers.

It was messy and needy and just what she wanted.

"Goddamn, baby," he panted, barely pulling away from her. "You're as sweet as they fuckin' come."

"Shut it, Buck."

Seconds turned to minutes and minutes turned to hours – or, at least, that's how it felt. Kissing Bucky was different than kissing Steve. Her whole world imploded when Steve kissed her, but the universe felt like it was being recalibrated when Bucky kissed her.

He wasn't gentle and tentative like the blond was. He was all sharp edges and darkness that only served to pull her under. He was addicting and deep and everything that counterbalanced Steve. They were ying and yang and she was the circle that kept them both together.

"Why does this seem like 'goodbye'?" He asked, nuzzling his lips against her neck as her fingers slid beneath his shirt and scratched at the skin of his back.

"It's never goodbye."

She pulled his mouth back to hers and kissed him like it was her last night on earth. Like she'd never taste his lips again or feel his skin beneath her fingertips. She wanted to remember. She wanted him to linger on her skin.

"I'm with you."

"'Til the end of the line?"

"'Til whenever ya don't want me anymore."

"Never."

"Darce," Steve's eyes widened when he opened the front door, looking at her questioningly. "What're ya doin' here?"

Her cheeks were pink and there were snowflakes in her hair. She had her coat buttoned all the way up to her throat and a scarf tied haphazardly around her neck.

"I wanted to show your ma that I got my papers." She waved an envelope at him and he just stared back at her dumbly.

"What?"

"I graduated."

"You're only sixteen."

Rolling her eyes, she pocketed the envelope and sighed. "And I've been workin' on graduatin' early. I took the test yesterday and picked up the results today. I thought she'd like to see that all her hard work paid off."

Steve blinked at her before all the dots connected in his head. "You're leavin' ain't ya."

It wasn't really a question and she felt like Steve already knew the answer. It tugged at her heartstrings, but she smiled at him.

"I've gotta go sometime."

His lips crashed down hard on hers, nearly causing her to stumble before she realized what was happening. Her arms wound around his neck and pulled at the hair on the back of his head.

It was now or never and Darcy wasn't going to let him go that easy.

Granted, she'd been kissed into a puddle by her other best friend, but she was going to go out with a bang.

"You goin' to see Stevie, too?" Bucky asked as she wiped her thumb across her bottom lip, relishing in the wetness there.

"I wasn't really plannin' on it. Seein' as he hasn't wanted me."

"He'll always want ya, baby. Go to him. I know you're leavin'."

She stilled. "Bucky – "

"I get it," he held his hands up, a smile cracking his face. "Ya don't think I know how'ta share? C'mon, doll. Stevie and I've been sharin' ya since we met ya. We're good at that." He disappeared behind the till and came back with a small package. "If you're gonna do what I think ya will, you'll need protection. Don't want any little Rogers, do we?"

"Your ma's at the hospital, right?"

He pulled away from her for a second. "Uh, yeah. Won't be back until – mmph!"

Darcy didn't want to waste any time. She practically shoved him into the house, kicking the door shut behind her as they came together in a clash of neediness. The blind led the blind as they somehow made it to his bedroom, the feisty brunette pushing him down onto the bed and nearly collapsing on top of him.

"Darcy, we can't – I don't wanna get ya in trouble," he panted, gripping her hips as tightly as he could to keep her from moving. "Oh, Lord."

She'd somehow managed to rip off her shirt – she'd lost her jacket and scarf along the path to his room – and brassiere in one fell swoop, causing his mouth to drop open in surprise. He was staring at the most perfect pair of breasts he'd ever seen. Not that he'd seen any either, mind you, but he knew hers were the best. That's what Bucky had always said, anyway.

A feminine giggle bubbled out of her and she asked slyly, "Ya gonna touch? Or just look?"

His hands were on her, squeezing, petting – driving her insane.

It took some maneuvering to get him naked and her trousers off. They were flush, skin to skin in a matter of moments that neither could particularly recall. Steve's hand traveled from her hip to the neatly trimmed thatch of dark curls nestled between her thighs and the groan he emitted was enough to cause her cunt to slick more than it already had from Bucky kissing her senseless earlier.

"Goddamn, sweetheart. Ya tryin' to kill me?"

"No," she huffed, shaking her head and he was mesmerized by the way her curls seemed to create a waterfall around her face. His cock was long and hard and wanting against her thigh and when she reached off the bed to grab her purse, it sprung out between them, landing on his stomach with a wet plop. When she reseated herself on his thighs, she eyed his cock carefully, her mouth dropping into a little 'o'.

"Darce?"

She swallowed. "You're just a bit bigger'n I expected," she managed to get out, rifling through her purse for the parting gift Bucky had given her. Crowing with victory, she removed the little pack and chucked her purse back onto the floor, giving Steve a filthy smile.

"Ya wanna go all the way?"

"Don't ya?"

His answer was invalid as she ripped open the rubber's package and rolled it onto his cock like she'd practiced at home once, being sure to leave some space at the top. She was a jumble of nerves and seeing Steve heavy-lidded and anxious beneath her almost caused her to impale herself at that very second and ride him until she was cross-eyed.

"Why ain't I on top?" He asked, his bottom lip jutting out playfully as he drew circles on her hips with his slender fingers.

Readjusting herself, she carefully lifted her hips and positioned his cock at her opening, ever so slowly sinking down on him. "Because," she grunted, feeling the swollen head pop through her small opening, "I think ya might have an asthma attack on top o' me and that wouldn't be fun 'splainin' to your ma."

"Lord, Darce," he gasped, pulling at her hips futilely, "Ya feel so good. So wet. Warm. Jesus."

A little further and she felt a small tear that blossomed into pain. Holding herself still, she reached down and rubbed the pearl at the opening of her sex, willing the pain into pleasure. When she'd calmed enough, she sank the rest of the way onto him, the air in her lungs rushing out with a faint whoosh.

A sob ripped free from her chest. "Fuck, Steve! I love you!"

He had a death grip on her hips. Panting and needy and so damned sexy that she wanted to keep him inside her for as long as possible. Shallow movements made way for more and soon she was rising up and sinking down onto his cock, her back arched and head thrust backwards as she rode him like she thought she ought to.

He seemed to be at war with himself and barely managed, "Darce, darlin', I'm not gonna last – fuck. Darcy, ya feel too good."

"Come, Steve," she begged, an ache beginning to form between her legs that wasn't exactly comfortable.

She was sore and nervous, but she needed this. Needed him.

He was a fast learner and remembered how she'd touched herself to ease the pain of having him inside her. Dragging his right hand from her hip, her circled her sensitive clit with the pad of his finger and cried out in surprise when she bucked wildly on top of him, his name like a prayer on his lips.

"Darcy! Damn!"

It was messy and uncoordinated and exactly what she needed.

His abdomen was slick with her release and the sheets were damp. She collapsed onto his chest as she felt him finish inside her, thankful for Bucky's foresight of the rubbers.

His trembling fingers traced along her spine as he caught his breath, not that he'd done much other than allow her to take pleasure from him. He could definitely see why he couldn't be on top of her now, though. He felt her lips at the base of his throat and tangled his fingers in the wild curls of her hair to hold her closer.

"I'm not gonna be stupid when it comes to ya again, sweetheart."

She mumbled in agreement, her eyes heavy with exhaustion.

He simply held her until sleep took him as well.

December 20, 1933 – Brooklyn, New York – Rogers' Residence

There was a definite chill in the air that hadn't been there when Steve went to sleep. His sleepy eyes blinked open as he reached blindly for the girl he'd fallen asleep next to, his brow furrowing when his searching hand came up empty.

Yawning, he sat up and looked around his room, hoping that he hadn't just been dreaming. His clothes were folded into a neat pile at the foot of his bed, but there was no sign of Darcy. There was no light under the bathroom door and the house was silent.

Steve got up quickly, dressing and ducking out the door without even checking if his ma was home.

What if last night was a dream? What if she was never there?

His lungs began to ache with exertion and he pulled his inhaler out of his pocket, taking a quick huff without slowing his pace. The market wasn't that far from his house, but it seemed like the streets were packed for a Wednesday. He'd obviously overslept for school.

He almost ran over a poor woman with her groceries in order to get into the market. Making his way up to the till, he panted. "M…Mr. B-Barnes. Is…is Buck…Bucky here?"

Mr. Barnes stared at him oddly. "He's in the back, Steve. Give me a minute."

Steve sat off to the side as he tried to catch his breath, trying not to look like he was on the verge of dying.

His mind was overflowing with the memories of last night. Seeing Darcy writhe on top of him. Hearing her pant his name and cry out because he was inside her and it was perfect and wonderful and –

"Steve, hey – what th' hell happened t' ya?"

"Have…have ya seen Darce?"

Bucky looked taken aback. "No. Not since last night." He looked over at his father, an odd look on his face. "Pa, did ya see Darcy at all?"

The older man finished checking out an elderly man and wiped his hands on his apron before pulling an envelope out of his pocket. "She stopped by early this mornin'. Asked me to give this to th' both o' ya."

Steve took the envelope, carefully opening it before letting his eyes devour it. He read it again and again as he tried to make sense of it, but no sense would come.

"Give it here," Bucky grumbled, snatching the paper from him.

Steve & Bucky,

I hope you aren't too mad at me. I need some time to find out who I am. I hope you both can forgive me. I'm sorry that I'm so selfish, but I need to do this. For me. For us. I'll be back, I promise.

All my love,

Darcy

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~Grace