Chapter IV: Unarticulated Problems of the Heart

"An unarticulated crush is very different from an unrequited one, because at least with an unrequited crush you know what the hell you're doing, even if the other person isn't doing it back.

An unarticulated crush is harder to grapple with, because it's a crush that you haven't even admitted to yourself. The romantic forces are all there - you want to see him, you always notice him, you treat every word from him as if it weighs more than anyone else's. But you don't know why. You don't know that you're doing it. You'd follow him to the end of the earth without ever admitting that your feet were moving."
—David Levithan

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Continued . . .

Jacob headed to the Cullen house that evening. Edward had said they would be at the main house, but he had barely entered the forest when he heard the most familiar sound in the world to him. Not a mile from where he stood, a half-human heart was beating frantically.

Naturally, without considering it, he was off in her direction. Past trees and stumps and animals. He found her almost instantly. She wasn't crying, like he had originally thought. She was pacing. And she was flustered.

So much so, that she hardly noticed him until he put a hand on her arm. She jumped a foot in the air for fright, placed a hand over her heart as she landed.

"Oh, Jake." She sighed, relieved. "It's you." She craned her head either side of her neck. Her bones were stiff, if animated they would have creaked. How long had she been here?

It's not that Nessie didn't hug him – she did. A lot. But she usually didn't hug him with such reckless abandon as she did right then. Without much forewarning, she wrapped her arms fiercely around his chest and pressed her cheek to his heart.

He had seen her yesterday – one day ago – but in that moment, she embraced him like she hadn't seen him in years, hadn't hugged him in centuries.

He, of course, hugged her back instantly. "It's good to see you, too," he huffed into her hair, trying to be cool. But however hard he tried, he was not immune to the scent in her hair, or the lilt in her voice, or the curve of her hips against his.

She relaxed into his arms, and some of the tension in her bones dissipated tangibly.

"Hey," he said, trying to realign himself. "You okay?"

"Yeah," she mumbled to his t-shirt. "I had a miserable day."

A frown appeared between his brow. "Is that why you're outside?"

"Yeah," she mumbled again. "I had to get out of the house."

"What happened?" Jacob asked, and he started when he found his hand on her head, lacing in her hair.

Renesmee looked at him. She reached for his hand the same moment he reached for hers and they met somewhere in the middle. They slowly started back to the house and Jacob asked again. "What happened today?"

She looked uncomfortable. "Uncle Em – he, uh, tried to entertain me."

"Oh." That wasn't quite what he had expected. "How was that?"

"They – uh – well; we were talking about cars and stuff, so they tried to teach me to drive."

"Really?" He felt his face fall a little. "And how did that go?"

She groaned. "Terrible."

"Please. I'm sure you were formula one standard by lunch time."

"Oh, Jake. I really wasn't."

"I'm sorry I missed that," he said quietly.

"You didn't miss much." It took her what felt like years to say: "I just totalled Dad's car."

Jacob stopped walking. "No way," he said. "You didn't."

"Oh, but I did."

He grinned madly, gave her hand a shake. "Now I'm really sorry I missed it."

She shoved him back. "Shut up. This is not funny! I was driving the Volvo."

He caught her hand on his chest and made a face like he was in pain. "I feel for you, Ness. I really do."

She scowled playfully and pushed him again.

There was silence for a moment.

It was Renesmee this time who took her hand back. They continued quietly towards the house again. It was almost in full view when Jacob spoke.

"Hey, Ness?"

"Yeah?"

"How about I teach you to drive?"

"What?"

"How about I teach you to drive."

She gaped at him incredulously. "What – did you not just hear how appalling I am?"

He nodded like this was obvious. "All the more reason to practice."

She eyed him madly. He eyed her back.

"Yes?" he urged, and she shrugged noncommittally. "Come on, then," he said, grinning

"Wait – what? Now?"

"No time like the present."

"Jacob?" She stopped short and pulled him back to her. "I'd love to learn with you – I really would – but there's no way my parents will let me. I mean, didn't I tell you about the Volvo?"

He considered it a moment. "Are they inside?" He motioned towards the house, and she nodded. "How mad is he?"

"Not very," Nessie said, and he could tell she was surprised by it.

"Edward?" Jacob said, not any louder than when he'd been talking to her. He appeared at the door in a moment. Had he been listening? Probably. He usually did. "Do you have any problems with my teaching your daughter to drive?"

From across the grass, Edward appraised him in his usual fatherly way, with that look which never left his eyes, however old Nessie grew.

There was silence, and Edward frowned "Nessie?" he asked.

"I'll be careful. Uh – more careful than before, that is—"

"I'll watch her," Jacob assured him.

He relented before them. "Make sure with your mother," he said, and Nessie darted up the steps and kissed him on the cheek before going inside.

I was thinking of taking her to La Push, Jacob thought. Edward nodded.

"Just bring her back before it gets dark. And make sure she doesn't hurt herself, Jacob."

I always do, Jacob thought. I always do.

"How am I supposed to drive on sand?" Renesmee asked, staring with distaste at the beach around her.

"I told you," Jacob said, and got out of the driver seat, "it's easier. I learnt on sand. Now – come on." He closed the door and banged on the hood of the car. "Hop out."

Slowly and with trepidation, she climbed out of the passenger side and walked around to meet him. "I don't know, Jake . . ." She looked down the beach to where a couple of his friends had gathered. "Maybe we should leave it for today?"

"Nessie. You'll do great." He left her then; walked around to the passenger side of this shabby car and climbed in.

"Where did you get this colourful piece of work?" she asked him, for want of a distraction, leaning in the driver's window.

"It was in the garage."

"Why can't I try in your new one?"

He made a you-wish kind of face. "I saw what happened to the Volvo." He leaned across to her. "Now, get in."

She frowned and begrudgingly climbed in after him. All of a sudden, she busied herself: She adjusted the seat to reach the pedals, put on her seatbelt, changed the angle of the mirrors, turned off the radio, turned on the air conditioning, opened the window, tied up her hair and, when she was finished, stared wistfully out at the ocean.

When she risked a glance at Jacob, he was grinning at her. "Ready, then?"

"No," she grumbled. "I've had a change of heart."

"No you haven't."

"I just don't want to wreck your car."

"Then you're in luck – this isn't my car."

She huffed and sat straighter in her seat.

There was silence.

Jacob reached his hands out in front of him, like a warm-up stretch. He put on his seatbelt. "Okay – first off: hands on the steering wheel."

"I'd really rather not."

"Nessie, normally I'd never ask you to do anything you don't want to, but this is an exception," he said, and then he reached down to take one of her hands. He unfurled her rigid fingers and wrapped them around the wheel.

"Jake, normally I'd put my hands anywhere you wanted me to, but this is an exception," she replied, flexing her fingers.

Jacob looked away from her, out the passanger window. She could see colour rising up his neck. It took her a moment to process what she said, and another moment to figure out why it embarrassed him.

When she did, she sank into her seat and died a little.

"God – that's not what I – I didn't mean – that didn't came out the way I wanted."

Jacob laughed, but his voice had an almost imperceptible strain when he said, "Just take the wheel. Please."

Grudgingly, she did.

"Turn the key to the right and ease down on the accelerator. That's the secon—"

"No, no, I know how to do all the basics."

"Okay – then what's the problem?

"Oh, I'm just not very good at them."

Jacob smiled and she put the car into a slow advance. As she built up speed, he asked: "So, how'd you crash the Volvo?"

It was Renesmee's turn to blush. She started to say something, but stopped herself. It was difficult, she found. She wasn't used to being . . . bad at things. It kind of felt like admitting defeat.

"Well," she said, keeping her eyes on the beach ahead of her. "I was driving with Emmett . . ."

". . . And . . .?"

"And nothing, really. You know Emmett. He's . . . distracting."

"Nessie?"

"What? That's what happened." He looked at her with his I-know-you're-lying face, and she relented. "God, Jacob Black, have I ever told you you're so annoying?"

He smiled again. "I think it's been said."

And so she told him. About the driving and the crashing and the closing of her eyes. He laughed, sympathetically, of course, or so he said. It was pretty funny though, if she thought about it. Honestly – she closed her eyes. While driving.

What else did she expect to happen?

"Oh, Nessie," he said, wheezing. "That's priceless."

"Yeah, yeah," she scoffed. "Hilarious."

He waited a moment before asking, "How mad was he?" Renesmee didn't say anything because she didn't know how to answer. "That bad, huh?"

She stopped the car, none too gracefully, and turned to look at him. "That's the thing – he wasn't really mad at all. I don't understand why."

"You're obviously more important than a car, Nessie."

She had to make herself look away. She had to. She was falling into his deep brown eyes again. One day, she would find herself lost in them, and she couldn't afford that kind of heartbreak.

"Wanna take a break?" she asked.

"We haven't been trying very long."

"Come on," she said, and climbed out of the car. Jacob followed her, came around to her side. She was looking down the beach, to where Jacob's friends were. Quil was there, with little Claire on his shoulders; and Seth with a girl she didn't recognise.

"Who's that?" she asked. Jacob followed her gaze down the water.

"Seth," he said, "and Quil."

"No, I mean the girl."

"Oh. Lisa." Nessie eyed him searchingly and he elaborated. "Seth's girlfriend. Well, sort of."

Renesmee froze, ice licked up her spine and left her so still it was painful. Seth had a girlfriend. Of course she realised that didn't mean Jacob had a girlfriend, too, but she had made it her business to never consider the two together.

Jacob and girlfriends.

He was still talking, telling her that she was the girl who worked at the kiosk on the beach. But her brain was jammed in a constant loop. Girlfriend. Girlfriend. Girlfriend. The word was seeping into her bone marrow.

She didn't want to have this discussion with him. She didn't want to talk of girlfriends or boyfriends or lovers or relationships or weddings. She didn't want him to find his soul mate and leave her behind. She wondered so often why he hadn't already.

She didn't want to, but she couldn't stop herself when Jacob said, quite proudly, "I introduced them."

"Oh, you know her?" she asked, wondering if Jacob could hear the rattle in her voice, could feel the sadness in her soul.

"A little. She always in town, so . . ."

"She's very pretty," Nessie said, and then bit her tongue.

Jacob looked back down the beach, to the four figures. "I guess . . ." he said, but there was no conviction behind it. "I mean, Seth seems to think so. I'd never really noticed."

She found a certain solace in that.

She tried to shake her head out of it – what did it matter to her if Jacob was with a girl? A whole legion of girls? It shouldn't matter one bit.

But it did.

God, it mattered.

"Nessie?" Jacob was asking. "Are you alright?" He stepped in front of her.

"Yeah," she told him, and before she could stop herself, a haphazard, fatal sentence leapt put of her mouth—

—"I'm just wondering why I've never met any of your girlfriends," she blurted.

Noise drained around them like air from a punctured balloon. It went deathly quiet. Painstakingly quiet. So quiet she could hear the blood pump through her veins.

Jacob stared at her as if she had asked the most appalling, disgusting, shocking question ever conceived.

She was in unchartered territory. And she was unwelcome.

He watched her with his deep brown eyes. And he frowned. He frowned deeply. He looked sad, almost . . . guilty? Did he really feel bad for not talking to her, for not telling her about his girlfriend? Did he think she couldn't handle it? He was right.

Alarms bells started to go off in her head. "Fix this! Fix this!" they screamed.

"I'm sorry," she said. "I don't mean to pry, or anything, I've just never noticed – you don't have to tell me if you don't want. I'm probably just being nosey – what I mean is – ugh – God—"

"Nessie," he said, shaking his head. "Honey."

She started a little—Jacob didn't just throw around pet names like honey or sweetie or baby. When he said them, he meant them. She could count the number of times he'd called her 'honey' before on one hand.

"I don't . . . I don't have girlfriends."

This answer surprised her. She was prepared to hear something entirely different, like about the secret fiancé he forgotten to mention.

"You – why?"

"Because I don't date." He said this with force and definition, with unquestionable resolve.

"At all?"

"What? No." His head was still rocketing from side to side. "Not at all."

A heaviness lifted from her chest, one she hadn't noticed was there. She knew she should have shut up then, but she couldn't help herself. "Why not?"

"Why would I?"

This question confused her. "The same reasons everyone else does." He didn't say anything, so she continued. "So you don't want to marry anyone? Ever?"

Jacob alone seemed worse to her than Jacob with someone else. At least with another girl he'd be happy, he'd never be lonely.

He smiled and said: "Sure I do. Someday. When I find the right girl."

"You won't find any girl if you're not looking." Not like she knew, not like she'd ever been on a date in her life.

His expression changed, he looked older somehow, like he secretly had his entire future planned out, like worrying about this would never be an option. "When the time is right, I'll find her. I don't need to look."

Renesmee tried to lighten the mood. "I thought looking was the fun part," she said, and he laughed.

"I guess it is. For some people. Some people just want love. Uncomplicated, easy love."

It sounded a simple enough request, but the way he said made her heart melt. Oh, how much she wanted that for him, too.

"Come on," he said, and he slung his arm around her shoulder. They started walking along the sand at a leisurely pace, the sun just beginning to set above them. She knew she'd have to go home soon. But Jacob didn't usually talk about this kind of stuff with her, he didn't usually open up about these things. She couldn't let the moment go.

They were silent for a long while, or so it seemed, both lost in different thoughts. He kept his arm around her.

She slowed suddenly, gathered enough courage to ask what had been pestering away at her for years but seemed pivotal now.

"Jake, have you never dated, then? Never had any girlfriends or anything like that? Not even when you were young?"

To his credit, he didn't hesitate before answering. "Not really. I mean, I guess I did when I was younger. But nothing serious."

She pondered that a moment. Animals hooted and croaked and shuffled in the sand all around them. They could hear Quil, Seth and the girls playing in the sand. How quickly the afternoon had changed.

"You've never been in love?" When Jacob didn't answer she immediately backtracked. "God, I'm sorry. That's none of my business. You don't have to answer that."

"No, no," he said quickly. "I love talking to you. You can ask me anything, Ness. I'm just . . . thinking about my answer." It took him a little while, but he eventually concluded with: "Yeah. I guess I was in love once."

Why did that make her so sad?

"What happened?" she heard herself ask.

He made a funny noise in his throat. "It – uh – didn't work out. She was in love with someone else, so . . ."

"Oh." Silence. "I'm sorry, Jake." The thought was preposterous to her – who could possibly choose someone else over Jacob? Jacob who was kind and protective and selfless and witty and handsome and the most wonderful man she knew.

"Don't be," he told her. "I'm happier now than I've ever been before. There's no fun in loving someone who doesn't love you back." And didn't she know it.

"And, Nessie," he said, and pulled them to a stop. "You can always ask me about . . . well, anything. About girlfriends or—" he cast around for words "—boyfriends or anything that's on your mind."

"I know." She'd always known. Jacob was her best friend and she would trust him with everything her soul could bare.

"Then talk to me. About everything. Anything. All the time, okay?"

Her voice was without a drop of hesitation of dishonesty when she promised. "Okay."

"One more thing," he said. They started back towards the car. "There's a bonfire coming up. It's a real important one." He took four steps in the sand. "Would you come with me, Nessie?"

Renesmee had been to dozens of Quileute bonfires before. Too many to recall. So why did this feel different to her?

She took five steps before answering. "Of course I will." Two steps. "When is it?"

Seven steps. "Tomorrow"

"I'm sure it's fine. I'll just check with my parents."

"And, Nessie?" he said again. "Remember that necklace I gave you? For your second birthday? Would you bring it with you?" If he looked nervous before, he was positively petrified now.

"Sure." Six steps. "Why?"

"It's a surprise."

"Oh." Nessie made a face. "More surprises. Yippee."

"Always so impatient," he said as they arrived back at the car.

"I'm an in-the-moment kind of girl," she grumbled, but her voice was lost in the heaving of sea-salted wind. Jacob laughed and he leaned forward to kiss her forehead. Jacob kissed her rarely, and she unconsciously treasured each one.

"It'll be worth it, Ness. Trust me."

Of course it would be worth it. Of that she had no doubt. Every moment she spent with Jacob was worth it.

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COMING UP . . .

Seth turned to Jacob immediately, expectantly. "So . . . did I hear right? Did you ask Nessie to The Bonfire?"

Jake smiled a small, nervous smile. "Yeah."

"I thought you were going to wait until she was older?" Quil asked, alternating his gaze between his friend and his imprint every few seconds.

"So did I. It just sort of . . . came out."

Seth leaned forward, whispering quietly. "Are you really going to tell her then? About imprinting?"

Jacob took a deep breath, so deep it emptied his lungs, and released it slowly. "I guess so," he said, like he was convincing himself more than anything. "Yeah. I am. I'm gonna tell her." He looked at the water, smiled again, and said again, "I'm going to tell her."