A/N: Did nobody read the insanely long A/N at the very start? (I can understand if you didn't… I wouldn't've, either.) Guys, this is slash. You can't make it not-slash, nor can you convince me to make it not-slash. Just deal with it, because it's kinda sort of really imperative to the plot!

Et je suis desolée for not updating way sooner (like, a million years ago sort of sooner). I had a good excuse, kind of. Anyway, none of my stories have been updated for like ages. Miss me? (:

Review reply: Cheyanne Jenn, IFLY so much that you get a figurative Internet cookie avec M&Ms. Shealtiel, you're still a tool. Nyahh.

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"How are you?" purred the new girl, Mary-Sue Emerald Sapphire Tinklebell Jones. Her purple-green-blue-gold eyes glittered at Alex as if they, too, wanted a piece of him.

"Not bad," Alex mumbled, shoving a spoonful of gravy-soaked potato into his mouth. Mary-Sue Emerald Sapphire Tinklebell Jones flipped her shiny, (naturally highlighted) blonde hair – and it didn't look stupid or ridiculous. Just perfect.

"Enjoying your meal?" she simpered, pouting her perfectly perfect lips at him (perfectly so).

"Mmm, I just thought…" Alex said in a gravy-potato-ish way, "It's just that – the food doesn't taste very magical."

The whole of the Gryffindor table went silent, except for one unfortunate second-year that shouted – above the noise that was no longer there – "And then the Healer said to me, 'It's not a suppository, Blake, so I don't know where on earth you've put it!'".

(And for those of you that are wondering what Mary-Sue Emerald Sapphire Tinklebell Jones was doing at the Gryffindor table: where else would she be Sorted? Not in Hufflepuff, that's for sure.)

"Shit," Harry hissed in Alex's ear. "RUN, RUN!"

"Why?" Alex asked, setting down his spoon.

Hermione was storming up to them, steam practically pouring out of her ears.

"Excuse me," she said forcefully, pushing Mary-Sue Emerald Sapphire Tinklebell Jones out of the seat next to Alex, "Are you aware that house-elves have been working all day just so you could eat this food?"

Alex looked helplessly at Harry, who shrugged. Every eye in the Hall was upon them now.

"Are you?" Hermione shouted, punctuating each word with a sound poke in the center of Alex's chest. "Because –" poke "– if I'm not mistaken, new boy –" she said the words with loathing in her voice and a few pokes to his chest "– you aren't even a wizard!"

"So?" drawled a bored voice from above their heads. Alex and Hermione both turned to see the pale nose of one Draco Malfoy looming above them. "Like you are even above him, Granger. You're just a stupid Mudblood."

There were a few gasps. From the Head Table, Snape surreptitiously applauded Draco.

"And, anyway, bitch," Mary-Sue Emerald Sapphire Tinklebell Jones spat, shoving Hermione, "I saw him first."

"You're both wrong," said a haughty voice from the Ravenclaw table. "Granger isn't stupid, exactly, though I don't contest the fact that she's a Muggleborn – must you be so crass? The word is Muggleborn – and I saw him first."

All heads turned to stare at the ghost of Helena Ravenclaw. She had her thin arms firmly crossed over her chest and a condescending expression was fixed upon her ghostly face.

"Oh no you di-n't," Mary-Sue Emerald Sapphire Tinklebell Jones retorted, clicking her perfect fingers as she jumped out of her seat. "You did not just question my statement!"

She stumbled forward a few steps and attempted to jab Helena Ravenclaw with a perfectly manicured finger.

"And what if I did?" the Ravenclaw ghost snapped, taking a step forward; Mary-Sue Emerald Sapphire Tinklebell Jones' hand was suddenly embedded in Helena's chest.

She jerked her hand away and screeched, "At least I can afford to buy my own tiaras!"

Helena Ravenclaw looked bemused. "You want to take this outside, Mary-Sue Emerald Sapphire Tinklebell Jones?"

"Bet on it!" Mary-Sue Emerald Sapphire Tinklebell Jones shrieked in reply.

The two girls stormed out of the hall. A few people, including Filch (for the purposes of this story, he may be considered human), gingerly followed them.

"How long do you think it'll take before the sexual tension builds up to breaking point and they start snogging?" Neville asked, glancing over his shoulder. Colin Creevey hovered nervously behind him, trying to act inconspicuous.

Colin grinned shakily and waved his camera at Neville, who shifted in his seat. His pockets clinked with what sounded suspiciously like a bag full of Galleons.

"Um, try forever, Ron," Hermione snapped. "She's a ghost, she can't technically snog anyone."

"I'm not Ron," Neville protested.

Ron looked up from the massive mountain of food in front of him.

"Don't worry, Neville," he said, spraying them all with crumbs, "She just gets confused 'cause I say stuff like that. Automatic reaction, mate. Right, Harry?"

There was no reply. Ron's head snapped round. Hermione glanced up too.

"Where did Harry and Alex go?" she asked, "And where's Draco?"