Chapter four
"How 'bout dis one? It says, "PNCHBUG". Get it; cause it's a beetle?" Scout suggested. Scout, Spy, and Sniper were out stealing a license plate to replace the one on Sniper's van.
"Zat doesn't even make sense on ze van." Spy said.
"She's not just 'the van', mate." Sniper muttered.
Scout gave him a smirk. "'She'? What is it, your girlfriend? Sorry, that's a kangaroo, right?" He laughed. "Cold heartless killer my ass."
"Focus." Spy said and glanced over to a car. "Pick zat one. It es inconspicuous."
"S2H4GVC9…I don't even tha' guy could remember that to report it." Sniper took out his kukri and started to slowly take the plate off the best he could with it but it took awhile; he was trying to be quiet and not damage it.
Spy started to talk to Scout. "So you don't even care in ze slightest zat you killed a possible president?"
"What's it gonna do? Change the whole country? Cause a war?"
"It might."
"Ooooh! Scary! Not anything I can't handle."
"Ze Team is more zan you, boy. We are mercenaries. We may be tools zat can change ze world. For better or for worse. And I will find out." Spy glanced over to Scout, who was staring at the sun. "Scout!"
"Huh? Wow, thanks a lot moron! I got 10 seconds on dat!"
"You'll go blind before Demoman does." Spy muttered.
Scout didn't hear him. "Hey, wanna see how far I can throw dis?" He had a baseball in his hand.
"No, focus."
He threw it anyway. It soared through the air, across the parking lot, and hit the head of a passerby. They collapsed, right in front of a camera and a guard patrolling the area. "Hey!" They yelled and ran at them. Sniper swore and tore off the license plate.
"Shit!" Scout got up and, instead of running away, ran straight for the guard. They thought he would knock him out, but he instead picked up his baseball and ran back to them. They gave him a look. "What? You think baseballs just magically recharge?" Then they all took off.
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Meanwhile, back at the base, Miss Pauling had arrived. But instead of the normally open door, it was locked shut and bolted. After making sure there were no sticky bombs, she loudly knocked on it. Then, sensing danger, she ducked. It was in the nick of time, two shotgun shells flying over her head in loud blasts that almost deafened her. They came from a small window that had just opened in the door. She backed away, not wanting anything else to happen.
Soldier's voice came from behind the door. "Say friend, how about moving closer to the door?" She didn't move a muscle. "Thaats it, don't be scared. I just want to-Huttah! Neck snap!" His hands came out of the window and he made the motion. His hands went limp, realizing no one was there. "Alright, you can come in." He swung the door open, leveling his shotgun at her head. "Who are you? Are you the pizza deliverer? It's been five years and you said thirty minutes or less, maggot!"
"You don't recognize me? We met at least twice already."
Soldier thought for a second. "Are you from The Rib Place? No, the tomato soup wholesaler! No…the milkman!" He was actually thinking hard.
She walked by him, seeing as this would take awhile if she lingered. She entered the courtyard where the rest of The Team was. All except for Sniper, Scout, and Spy, who were running for their lives at the moment. She glanced around. "Where are the others?"
"Mhhhht mhhhhhttg mmmmhichhhnce mmmhatte." Pyro tried to explain.
"Out gettin' a license plate." Engineer translated. "To replace the one that the FBI might be trackin' right now."
"How do you understand what Pyro's saying?"
"Ma'am, I've had a whole family of mumblers. I'm used to it."
"Okay then. How did the mission go? Did you kill Johnson?"
Engineer was about to answer but then hesitated. Spy had given a speech about not trusting anyone outside of the team. Of course, he had been the only one who had listened. He told her only what she wanted to hear and possibly what might've appeared in the news.
She nodded. "Okay, then. Sounds good to me. So-" She was stopped by a ring going off on her phone. "Who could be…" Checking the screen, she saw an unknown number but picked it up anyway. "Hello? Scout? How'd you get this number?" Engineer and Pyro leaned in to listen to the conversation.
"…got da plate and all, but den a bunch of security guards came out of nowhere and dey had tazers! Dey tazed us! Well, actually, I was too fast for 'em and Spy went and disappeared to do spy stuff or somethin' so dey only tazed Sniper but now dey towed your car we borrowed-"
"You let them take my car!"
"Not my fault!"
"It was your fault!"
"Yeah, you got a point. But anyway we don't have a car and can't get back to da base. Can you get a rental car or somethin' and pick us up?"
Miss Pauling hung up. Engineer gave her a look. "They can get out themselves." She said, dismissing the subject. "But before they get here, here's your next mission. Last night, we had files stolen from our database. We don't know how, but we need to get that information back." She handed them a piece of paper with a picture of a building and a map under it. "We have speculation that this is where it was stolen." She also handed them a suitcase. "This should hold the papers."
"But how'll we know which papers are which?"
"Just take them all." She walked away again but stopped midway. "And don't leave any witnesses!" She called.
Soldier was still deep in thought and went over to her as she passed by. "Oh! I got it! You're the person that delivers the mail every Sunday!"
She gave him a look, sighed and left.
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"Yeah, thanks to dat Miss Pauling we had to hitchhike our way home! Den da car we rode in got pulled over and da police started chasin' him and we started goin' in dis car chase. You know, we're in so many damn car chases it's like a bad movie. But if dis is a movie I want a hot girlfriend." Scout said. The Team had assembled in the courtyard to discuss a plan for the mission, but of course Scout had to change the subject.
"Shut up, Scout." Spy said.
"Yer just jealous you ain't got a chic of yer own."
"You don't eizer!
"Just because yer French doesn't mean you have da right ta be a dick."
"Just because you're American doesn't mean you have ze right to be an idiot."
"Touché, douché."
Engineer spoke up. "Don't mean to interrupt, but can we think of a plan?"
"Oui, if some people," he glared at Scout. "Didn't change ze subject."
"Well, sor-rre!" Scout said, holding up his hands trying to be innocent.
"Pyro, do you have any ideas?"
Pyro handed him a paper. Instead of writing, it had very crude drawings of supposedly Pyro going around his flamethrower burning people in the building. "Mpphs Mhhius!"
"Yes, genius. Anyone else?" There was silence. "First of all, we most likely have to hack into a computer to get ze files. Can anyone hack into a computer?"
Engineer and Scout, surprisingly, raised their hands.
"Son, you can hack into a computer?" Engineer asked him.
"Well, does it involve math?"
"Well, yes."
"Then no. But I can smash the computer with my baseball bat!" He said, taking it out.
"And I will crush tiny men!" Heavy said.
"Übercharge!" Medic suggested.
"Übercharge? What is zat?" Spy asked.
"On ze count of drei,"
"Huh?" Scout asked.
"Zree,"
"English."
"I am speaking English! One, two, zree!"
"You could've said that before."
"On ze count of zree, you vill shoot Heavy."
The Team exchanged looks. "Why not?" Engineer said, shrugging and got out his shotgun.
"Eins, zwei," Sniper's crosshairs were now on Heavy's head and the rifle was fully charged. Sticky bombs were all around Heavy's feet . The rest had their respective guns aimed at them. "Drei!" At this moment, Heavy and Medic became enveloped in a strange light that turned his eyes white. Everything exploded all around them, but each bullet bounced off. The sticky bombs detonated and the pair flew into the air from the force of the blast, but nothing less. The light faded away and Medic bowed.
"Dat's some cool shit right dere." Scout said.
"Übercharge!" Medic said proudly.
"Not bad." Spy said. "I have an idea."
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"Hey Spy! Yo, Spy; wake up ya lazy bum!" Scout yelled in Spy's ear.
Though the shouting almost made him fall off the chair he was sleeping in, Spy was immediately awake and had a revolver pointed at Scout. He lowered it once he recognized him. "Scout! What is it?"
"Dude, you really need ta get some sleep."
"I just have…zings to do at night."
"Whatever. Hey, you know Pyro?"
"Why wouldn't I?"
"And ya know dat he/she/it wears dat mask right?"
"Where are you going with zis?"
"Okay, I have an idea. You go sneak up on Pyro, see what his face looks like, and come back. What've you got to lose?"
"My head, maybe? All ze skin zat was once on my not burned body, maybe?"
"Aw, c'mon! What'll it take?"
"What've you got?"
Scout fished through his pockets. "I'll give you this one dollar bill and…" he pulled out a piece of chewing gum. "A piece of gum."
Spy considered it. "Deal." He said and turned invisible. Scout had to wait five minutes for him to return and for a second thought he was dead.
"So what was under da mask? A dude? A chic? A robot? No, or is he like Scorpion from Mortal Kombat and whenever he takes his mask of it's a skull and he breathes fire or whatever at you? Oh, dat would make perfect sense and be so badass!" Scout looked at Spy, who looked like he had seen a ghost. And he might've. He waved his hand in front of Spy's face. "Hello? Yo, you're brain workin' or what?"
"I-I have to go."
"Huh? Why don't you tell me?"
"I'm not quite sure what I saw there." Without another word, Spy left.
"Bet it was Scorpion."
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"Yeah I'm looking for a Mike Rotch, could you find him for me?" Scout said into the phone.
"Sure, no problem." There was silence for a second before it was heard. "I'm looking for Mike Rotch! Can anyone find Mike Rotch!" Scout gave him more details. "Okay, Mike Rotch is very small, pathetic looking and hairy! Can anyone find Mike Rotch?"
Scout couldn't hold it in anymore started to laugh, and the person on the other end heard it. "Hey! You're that damn prank calling kid aren't you? I told you, I was going to hunt you down the next time you called!"
"You don't have ta! I'm right here!" The phone hung up and two eggs hit the window of the person he had called. They came to the window and opened it.
"What the hell is wrong with you, kid? I'm going to kill you and-" They fell silent as a gunshot went off and their body fell to the ground. A shot directly in the head. The body fell from the window and it tumbled to the ground. Scout picked up the body and dragged it away, where he met Pyro and Spy.
Spy disguised as the man and Pyro burned the evidence of the kill. Scout double jumped into the open window after three unsuccessful attempts. There he found a few pieces of paperwork and snatched all of them. When he had escaped through the window, he yelled out, "I got it! I got it!" He took it to the car and ran back.
Spy opened the door with a keycard that was on the person's body. The heavy duty door of the building slid open and he entered. No one appeared to hear the gunshot so it was easy to intervene between the people without any suspicion. He navigated through different rooms until he found a room full of computers. He shut the door and assassinated anyone still at a computer. Engineer, who had been wearing Spy's invisibility watch, reappeared next to him.
"This is gonna be more difficult than I thought." Engineer said, surveying them.
"Might as well start zen." Spy said, boarding up the door with chairs. "We don't have much time."
Panic had started outside the room, people banging on the door trying to get in. Spy had to put all of his body weight into the door to keep it closed. Sniper, seeing from a window through his scope, noticed the panic. He shot the ground near Scout's feet.
"Plan B." Scout said into the microphone. "Plus, can we go out for pizza after dis? I'm kinda hungry." Scout then went and fired his scattergun in the air. The sound was loud enough for people inside to notice and they started to come running out. The ones that did had handguns with them, that is.
But then seemingly out of nowhere came Heavy and Medic. A gigantic man with a minigun would be frightening enough, but then the Übercharge activated. Their bullets bounced off. Heavy's minigun, revved up and ready to go, fired at the people. They fell almost at once and those who didn't ran away. But Pyro and Scout stopped them.
"Cry some more!" Heavy said while firing and then laughed. The Team then charged inside, except for Sniper, and started killing everyone in sight. When they reached the computer room, they almost killed their teammates as well.
"Hurry up! Da police might be here soon!" Scout said to Engineer.
"I've only got through two computers done with! We don't have enough time!"
"Zen to plan C. Demoman!" Spy said, and Demoman turned around. "Destroy all evidence of zis building!"
"Lad, I like tha sound of that!" He said and took off with his sticky bomb launcher ready.
"What're you doin'?" Engineer asked Spy.
"If we cannot recover ze intel, we will destroy it. Now everyone else, get to ze car! Like Scout said, ze police will be here soon."
"Damn right they will." Scout muttered, and The Team hurried there. All except for Spy. He went on one of the already hacked computers and printed some files Engineer had overlooked. The police were there by the time they finally printed, but he scooped them up, put them in his suit, and disappeared.
Once Spy was in, the car sped away, Soldier at the wheel this time. The car being a rental one borrowed from Miss Pauling again. Amazingly, the whole team could fit. "Mission accomplished soldiers!" Soldier said. The Team cheered and Demoman detonated the sticky bombs. A beautiful explosion lit up the sky. They cheered more.
"What is this, a Michael Bay movie?" Scout commented as the car sped away.
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Spy glanced at the intel he had obtained in the car, but Scout, of course, noticed.
He snatched them from Spy. "Hey what'cha got here? Is it-" Scout stopped. "Is dat…Is dat my mom?"
Sniper took the photos. "Hey! Lookie here, mates! Spy is fuckin' Scout's mom!"
"What?" The Team said and scrambled to look at it. They started laughing and Spy was desperately trying to get the photos back.
Scout had a death glare aimed at Spy. "You…you….I'll kill you! I'll kill you, you motherfucker!" The other team members had to hold him back.
"That is exactly vat he is, Scout." Medic said, trying to hold in his laughs.
Scout glared at Spy the rest of the way back. Miss Pauling was waiting for The Team back at the base. "You have the intel?" She asked them as they got out of the car. Scout tossed her the suitcase and walked away, skulking. "What's his problem?"
"Tha' 'intel' Spy picked up." Sniper said and handed her the photos, still chuckling to himself.
"Oh. That was what they hacked into our computer to get?" Miss Pauling said, and put them in the suitcase, hoping to never see them again.
"I hope not." Sniper said with a smile on his face.
Suddenly they heard Soldier start yelling at Scout. "You call that a jump, maggot? I'll show you a real jump: a rocket jump!" He aimed his rocket launcher at the ground.
"Wait Soldier no!" Miss Pauling said, seeing that Soldier was standing near the rental car.
It was too late. He jumped into the air and shot two rockets, sending him flying into the air. The first rocket merely rocked the car but the other hit the engine and it exploded as well, sending Soldier even higher. He was flying higher than the base. "Screaming Eagles!" He yelled out.
"Don't look down, moron!" Scout yelled to him.
Medic seeing Soldier, said, "He is more stupid zen I zought. I'm not even going to heal the dummkopf." He walked into the building just as the ground met Soldier's feet. Correction: almost met Soldier's feet. He shot another rocket that made him soar again and safely land on the ground.
He saluted Medic, or at least it looked like a salute. It was actually an L on his forehead. "Maggots!" He said.