"It's something we expected, but not this soon – "
" – that's good, right?"
" – it was going to happen, well, most likely to happen."
Kate's blind hope subdued back down inside. Barely lit. Dormant.
"Sometimes coma patients, after their sessions of therapy, can show that they are responding. They move their fingers a little. They will flicker their eyelids. Signs that make us think they are back, but in reality, they are still comatose."
Kate sat back down in her chair no longer being able to look at the doctor. She only saw Rick's nearly lifeless face in front of her.
"What does this mean . . . is he coming back to me?" she said, forcing her face to see her doctor's reaction.
"We still don't know, Ms. Beckett. Comas are a unique, tricky thing. They are different for every patient. Sometimes they don't respond at all. Sometimes they get what we call extensive posturing; their legs and arms become stiff, or flexor posturing where their arms bend at the elbows. Others react to our movement with grunts, or movements themselves. All we can do is sit and wait. Check his records, make sure he is healthy and that his body is kept in good condition so if he were to come back, he'd be okay. "
Kate's eyes sank back to her hands. She wanted him back. The Rick she met at the bar. The funny, adventurous, painfully annoying boyfriend that she loved.
"Ms. Beckett," the doctor said, bending to catch her eyes, "don't be discouraged. His finger moved. That means there was a clear path from his brain, to his spine and to his finger – he's in there somewhere."
Kate gave her a depressed smile as the doctor dismissed herself and went back to her rounds. Kate's fingers folded in her lap, her elbow leaning on the arm of the chair. Tears were forming out of desperation in her eyes, but she wasn't discouraged.
She cleared her throat, allowing her to speak.
"What are we going to do with you, Rick?"
4 Months after the accident
"He's doing really well." Kate said, fixing the sheets under the blanket that covered his feet.
"Yeah?" Alexis asked.
"They come in and check on him all the time. He's in here with doctors. They move his legs around. Sometimes, when I come in, the tv is on. But it's always TLC or something. Your father probably wouldn't approve." Kate told the girl, showed her a smile. Hope refreshed inside of her. This was her life and this was how she was going to life it. If Castle was in there, then she was going to have to make his life as enjoyable as she could.
"Maybe you could bring in those movies you guys like so much? The ones he told me about. For the movie marathon? He'd like that."
Alexis smiled. Kate knew it was fake. Something was off. Alexis never left the sofa, across from her father. She was eye level with the end of the bed, couldn't see his face.
"Why don't you come up here? Sit in that chair. We can talk. Let him hear us?"
"I – I don't think so."
"Why not? I think he'd like to hear your voice. He probably missed you when you were in LA," Kate said, moving around the edge of the bed, closer to Alexis.
"I don't want to."
"Come on, just for a little, then we can leave - "
"No!" Alexis protested. Her voice rose. Gave her authority. Kate reached for her arm to give her comfort.
"I can't do this. I stayed with my mom because I thought it would be better. But I missed him and I wanted to see him, but this? This isn't him. This is his body and he is dying and you're just making it worse," she broke off, calmed herself. "I know Gram did what you wanted because she thought you would know better, but I don't think you do. How could you know what my dad wanted? I didn't even know what he wanted. And he's lying here, for four months, dead."
"Alexis, he isn't –"
"Don't even tell me that he isn't!. He doesn't move. His heart is controlled by a machine. If we turn it off, he will die. He won't breathe on his own. That's dead. My father is dead."
Alexis' voice broke when she said it. She had said it before, to herself, to her friends. But, for some unspoken reason, she didn't believe it until now.
Dead.
Tears fell down her face. The anger pushed forward.
"And you can walk around here, fixing sheets and playing movies, but it won't help. Playing house will not wake him."
Alexis left the room before she began to sob, quickly jogged down the hallway, and away from Kate.
Kate knocked on the door. She didn't look around. Didn't want to see the familiar hallway. The emotional smell of the room around her - she didn't want any of it. She came here for one reason. And that did not include breaking down in front of the one person she needed to keep it together for. Footsteps approached. The door would open. Kate's wall went up. This would be hard. She hadn't been to the loft since the accident. She certainly hadn't been to it alone. Without him. The door swung open and Alexis' disappointed face filled the space before her.
"Look, I can't talk now."
"Alexis, just let me - "
"No, I don't want to see you."
"Alexis, please –" Kate said, pushing the door open. Alexis headed back for the stairs, back towards her room.
"No, Kate. Please leave."
"I need to talk to you."
"No! – Because – because if I talk to you, I will start crying and I won't stop."
This feeling was all too familiar to Kate. She had been like that – still was on some days. She walked closer to the girl, found her eyes.
"It's okay to cry, you know? It's okay."
"I can't. I didn't cry at my moms. Gram does enough of it for me. And you – I just can't"
"Alexis, no one is expecting you to be superwoman. You don't have to hold anyone together."
Kate walked towards the girl who had sat down on the stairs. She joined her. Didn't touch her, just mirrored her – hands in her lap, head facing the step beneath her feet.
"When I found out you father hadn't fully made it from the accident – that he was in a coma – at first I was sad. All of it was on me. Your father, he took most of the heavy stuff. But now it was on me. After the shock passed, I felt guilty. I asked myself how in the world did I make it through. How could I make it and not him? I was to go on living without your father. And it wasn't something I was ready to do."
Alexis wiped tears from her chin.
"But, what my friends - and your father - helped me realize was that he wasn't taken from us. He's not with us, but for some reason – God, or some higher power – or maybe just pure chance – he wasn't taken from us. He chose to hang on. And he is. He has moved his fingers. The doctors tell me he sometimes makes noises during therapy. Now, this is normal, but it means there is connections. That there is something happening inside his head."
Alexis sniffled beside Kate, rolled her shoulders back until she was upright.
"I know we haven't gotten the chance to really get to know each other. Your father pushed it, but I didn't want to put you in a place. I wasn't your grandmother, and I'm not your mother. So I let you have your space. It's supposed to be your first year of college in September. And, I know that you talk to your grandmother, but – if you need anything – need a place to just let it all out – I'm here. And if you decide that you're going to hold off on college, that's okay. If you want something to keep you busy you can still help out at the precinct. If you want - I'm here, Alexis. And I'm not going anywhere."
There was a pause in the room. They let that sink in. Kate wanted Alexis to think about it.
"You know, my father really liked you. When we would go out, just us, he was always asking what I thought about you. If I was okay. And I told him I'm okay if he's okay. And he didn't want to hear that. He would always say 'Wherever you're going, I'm going your way.' He really wanted me to like you and not feel threatened or - . . . and, I get it. But, it wasn't until now that I understand. He loved you and I didn't want him to get hurt. Again. And that's why I didn't want to like you. I didn't want you to stick around. Rip the band - aid off real quick, get over the pain. But –"
Alexis paused. Tried to form the words she was trying to get out.
"Don't go anywhere, okay?"
Kate understood. And she wasn't going anywhere.
Last chapter's lyric was from Mad World - "The dreams in which I'm dying are the best I've ever had."
New lyric towards the end of this one. Let me know what you think!