Okay, backstory time! Way back in the show's hay-day, I was in about first grade. Numbuh 3 had always been my favorite character, and even now I still have a soft spot for her. So this chapter has a special place in my heart. Hope you like it!
Article 3: Sanban, Kuki
After a long, particularly obnoxious mission against the Toilenator, Cree and I decided to take an evening walk to clear our heads.
"So, Numbuh 5, how's the recruit mission coming?" my sister asked.
I sighed. "Nigel and Hoagie are doing great at the Academy,:" I said. "But the hard part is getting kids to join the CND in the first place."
"Well, it's been over a month and a half since Hoagie joined, so you'd better pick up the pace." Cree thought for a moment. "Are there any girls you're considering?"
"Why girls?" I asked curiously.
"Think about it," she explained. "Remember when Maurice and the twins were on the team? I loved them all to death, but they were still boys, and honestly, boys can be stupid. If I didn't have another girl with me, I probably would've gone insane."
"That's true," I reflected. Then I made a face. "But all the girls I know are too prissy to handle so much as getting dirt under their nails."
Cree laughed. "Well, there's gotta be some good ones out there. The two of are living proof that there are at least a few girls who aren't afraid to get down and dirty."
I grinned at her. By this time we were passing the playground.
"Hmm," Cree grunted as she surveyed the area. "Like how about that one?"
My eyes followed from her finger to what it was pointing at: a girl playing on the swings. She wore a green sweater so big that the sleeves completely covered her hands, with raven black hair pulled back into pigtails.* Despite her being several yards away, her smile could still be seen plain as day.
"Kuki Sanban?" I asked in disbelief. Then I started laughing so hard, my side began to hurt.
Cree didn't appear to get the joke. "Why not?"
I controlled myself just long enough to answer. "Cree, Kuki is by far the girliest airhead of them all. She probably has more Rainbow Monkeys than Hoagie has Yipper Cards."
When we looked a bit closer, we could indeed make out one of her beloved toys "swinging" next to her.
"What's wrong with that?" Cree asked with a smirk. "If I recall correctly, you've got a couple of em' stashed in your closet."
"That's different," I argued, my dark skin acquiring a slightly pink tint. "Those were from when I was like three. Besides, playing is one thing. Worshiping is another. And the Monkeys aren't the only problem. She never stops smiling. No one ever wants to play with her."
Sure enough, although the playground was full of kids, the stuffed animal was Kuki's only companion. Even as we watched, a group of kids playing tag veered around her as though she was inside some gihoogic force field. But the girl didn't seem to mind; either that, or she was too far in her own little world to notice.
Suddenly, Kuki realized that we were staring at her and snapped out of her trance (most likely filled with meadows of sunshine and bunny rabbits).
"Hi, Abby!" she cried cheerfully. Kuki leaped off the swing, and after daintily landing on her toes, she grabbed her Rainbow Monkey and raced towards us.
"My name's Kuki, what's yours?" she asked, waving wildly at my sister.
Cree seemed unsure how to respond to such an enthusiastic greeting. "Uh, it's Cree. I'm Abby's older sister."
Kuki gasped dramatically. "That's so funny! I'm a big sister, too, and she's sooooooo cute! I just know we're gonna be the bestiest best friends ever. When she gets older, I'm gonna show her all my Rainbow Monkeys, maybe even get her one of her very own. I think everyone should have a Rainbow Monkey because they're just so huggable, and lovable, and spread the bee-yoo-tee-ful message of sharing and caringness! Do you have any?"
The more Kuki talked, the more Cree seemed to suffocate under her extreme level of sweetness. I knew that since she went to Junior High, she's had her fair share of ditzy girls, but I doubt any of them come even close in comparison to this chick.
"That's... nice," said Cree, choosing to ignore Kuki's question. "But I gotta go. I need to give a status report on the mission to Numbuh 100."
I narrowed my eyes suspiciously. "You did that just before we left, Cree."
"Well... I have to do it again. Have fun with your new friend, Abby." Then she took off before I could argue any further.
I reluctantly turned to face the airhead, who was staring at me expectantly.
"So..." I began. To my relief, my 2x4 transmitter rang before I was forced to find a way to complete the statement.
"Talk to me," I said, maybe a little bit desperately.
"Oh, hey Numbuh 5," Hoagie greeted casually. He didn't fool me for a second.
"Is there something wrong?" I asked.
"What? No way," came his squeaky, high-pitched reply. "I just called to say that WE'RE BEING ATTACKED! You need to come to the Arctic Base right now before we die slow, painful deaths! I bet he's gonna roast us one by one over a spit fire-"
"Oh, give me that!" came a distant British voice. When he spoke again, it was clear he had gained control of the transmitter over the panicked American. "We got trouble, Numbuh 5," said Nigel. "The Vegetarian escaped from his cell."
"Are you kidding me?" I cried. "Cree and I just got him in there last week."
"Well, the point is he's not there now," Nigel replied, slightly irritated. "You're the only sector who can handle this guy. So you need to be here ASANow."
It's a good thing Nigel grew out of his annoying new recruit phase so he could act as the voice of reason among all the chaos (mostly caused by Hoagie, no doubt). "On my way," I said. Then I ended the transmission.
"Gotta go, Kuki," I said quickly, making a beeline towards the nearest fire hydrant. There was no time to return to the tree house and get Cree, so desperate times called for desperate measures.
When I had reached the hydrant, I unscrewed the cap and pressed the button that lay underneath. It immediately uprooted itself from the street, along with a labyrinth of pipes that lay beneath it, and neatly folded itself into a flying scooter.**
In moments I had strapped on my helmet- the hydrant cap- and took off, the water from the pipes propelling me to the South Pole.
As I rode, I planned out the strategy for my re-match with the Vegetarian. As the name suggests, his crimes involve forcing vegetables down kids' throats. He arrives at dinnertime at makes them eat every single scrap, with absolutely no hope for dessert until the plate is licked clean. What's worse, he'll replace good meals, like pizza or hamburgers, with the most boring, healthy dishes imaginable.
The thing that makes him so tough to beat is that a simple blast of gumballs isn't enough to take him down. He has the ability to actually transform marshmallows into cauliflower, peppermint sticks into green beans. What you need is candy so sugary, no veggie in the world can remove its sweetness. But something that rare can only be obtained, and used effectively, by a candy specialist like myself.
In no time I had reached the icy wastelands of Antarctica: completely vacant except for penguins, the occasional seal, and a giant underground (or should I say, under-ice) headquarters for a kid-powered secret organization.
The scooter hadn't even fully powered down when I leaped out, weapon in hand, and darted inside. The moment I passed through the entrance doors, I was met by complete pandemonium.
Right in the center of the room was the Vegetarian, sending vegetables every which way. He had this evil glint in his eye that would be quite frightening, except one aspect of him takes away any hint of terror from his being.
Oh, did I forget to mention that he's dressed up as a gigantic piece of broccoli?
While there were a few kids bravely putting up a fight, most were either buried under mountains of veggies or running for their lives. I spotted Hoagie huddled in a corner, rocking back and forth between hysterical cries. Poor kid. The first battle's the hardest, and it doesn't help that, being a big sweet-lover, he's being threatened with healthy alternatives.
"Numbuh 5, over here!" cried Nigel from across the room, just before dropping to a roll to avoid a sudden blast of asparagus.
"Not bad, brat," growled the Vegetarian. "But all it takes is one dose of my veggies to protect you from obesity and heart disease!" And with that, he sent a truckload's worth of brussel sprouts heading Nigel's way.
As I raced to back him up, I began loading my weapon with stick after stick of sugarcane, picked straight from the fields of Sector B in Brazil.
"All right, time to bring out the big guns, baby!" I shouted, aiming right at the Vegetarian's head.
But my fingers had not so much as grazed the trigger when I was interrupted by a certain perky, Japanese, stuffed monkey-brandishing child.
"Hi everybody!" cried Kuki.
It's amazing how in just moments, one little girl can bring a full-blown battle to a complete stand-still.
Both Nigel and Hoagie were staring at me incredulously. I knew they thought I was out of my mind for letting Kuki tag along on a mission, and to a KND secret headquarters, no less.
"Kuki, how the heck did you find this place?" I asked. I made sure to give off the impression that I took no part in her being here.
"My Kicks-and-Giggles Rainbow Monkey and I rode in the VIP area of your cool motor-bike-thingy" (in other words, she snuck into the trunk). "Is there a party going on? Because I just love parties! Can I join, please, please, ple-"
Kuki's incessant begging was suddenly cut short when the Vegetarian grabbed her. Before anyone could move, her hands, feet, and waist were strapped into a chair by onion roots.
For the first time since I met her, there was not a hint of a smile upon Kuki Sanban's face.
"Well, now that one of you has been taken care of," said the Vegetarian as he pushed a small table in front of his new prisoner. "We can get down to business."
I quickly scanned my surroundings to take in the status of the situation. The few operatives who had managed to remain standing had now scattered, leaving only Hoagie, Nigel, and myself.
I turned back to the Vegetarian, who was unloading supplies from a sack. I had absolutely no idea what he was up to, so I decided to just wait and see what he was planning before taking action.
Unfortunately, my other comrades did not come to the same conclusion.
"Don't worry, Kuki," Nigel declared, puffing out his chest like a peacock as Hoagie flexed his imaginary muscles. "We shall save you from your distress."
Then, both releasing ear-splitting war cries, the two charged. The Vegetarian didn't even look up from what he was doing as he blasted them with a round of steaming hot potatoes. The knights in shining armor collapsed on top of each other in a smoldering heap.
After shaking my head at that pitiful display of heroics, I locked eyes with Kuki. As terrified as she must be, she managed a small smile as she rolled her eyes at the boys. I was shocked to discover that for a moment, those dark eyes betrayed a hidden layer of... intelligence.
It wasn't long before the Vegetarian's masterpiece was complete. He set a plate of pea soup, steamed parsnips, and meatless (of course) meatloaf before the captive.
"Voilà!" he exclaimed in the worst French accent I had ever heard. "Bon appétit."
"No!" Kuki cried defiantly, turning her nose up from the horrible dish. Spoken like a true kid.
"Did I say you had a choice?" the Vegetarian snarled. "You'll be setting an example to all the other snot-nosed brats of the world. So you will eat, and you will like it."
He gestured towards me. "Unless you'd like to watch your friend get fried like the others."
My hand instinctively went to my side where I keep my 2x4 weapon, only to find nothing but air. That's when I remembered dropping my it when I rushed to rescue Kuki. I knew full well that if I tried to run back and get it, the Vegetarian would have me toasted faster than a slice of bread.
One glance at her and I knew Kuki had realized this, too. "Okay," she said timidly.
The Vegetarian grinned evilly. "Excellent," he said as he undid the binds on Kuki's hands. He handed her a set of silverware.
Kuki tentatively tapped her fork against the meatloaf. It was rock solid. She eventually managed to pry a piece out, but for a full minute she just stared at it, wondering if she dared to eat it. Finally, she gave one last, nervous gulp and shoved the food into her mouth.
If just the sight of Kuki chewing that disgusting meal was enough to make me gag, I can't imagine what she had to do to keep it from coming back up. Every bite must have been pure agony, but eventually she swallowed the last drop of fat free soy milk.
I could tell that the Vegetarian didn't expect her to finish. Most can barely even survive the first bite. "Well then... I guess I'll go get your dessert."
I saw some excitement making its way back onto Kuki's face, and I knew why. The hope of dessert is the light at the end of the tunnel that gets a kid through dinner.
The Vegetarian pulled a covered bowl from his bag and set it on the table. Kuki eagerly tore off the top to find a strange, white, creamy substance inside. Small chunks of every vegetable I could think of could be seen floating around in it. It was veggie pudding.
I witnessed a drastic change suddenly go through Kuki. Her face turned redder than the Vegetarian's beets, her teeth sharpened to a fine point, , and her eyes ignited with a vicious fire (with actual flames involved). With a strength I had formerly thought of as not humanly possible, she broke through the binds that held her and pounced onto the Vegetarian's face.
I'll spare you the gruesome details of the onslaught that followed. Honestly, I wish I could've spared myself from watching it. All you need to know is that by the time it was over, the Vegetarian was left curled up in the fetal position, telling himself to find his happy place.
I quickly dragged the villain to one side of the room and handcuffed him to a pole, though I don't think he would've gone anywhere anyway. The KND can deal with him later.
Once I had returned, Kuki and I helped the boys to their feet. Both Hoagie and Nigel were gaping at Kuki the entire time.
As for me, I merely smiled at her. "Come on, girl," I said. "Let's get you home."
~0~0~0~
Nobody said a word on the ride back. Kuki was still recovering from everything that had happened to her, while the rest of us were attempting to wrap our heads around this new side to the girl.
It was nightfall by the time we returned to the playground, so it was decided to walk Kuki home. By then, she had reverted back to her happy old self.
"That was so much fun!" she announced. "I just can't wait to get back to Cuddlemuffins, Sweetykins, oh, and Mr. Mopsey, too. I'm gonna tell them all about how-"
Suddenly, Kuki stopped in her tracks, her smile gone in an instant. A very serious looking couple were standing in the doorway of a house, glaring straight at Kuki. The only sign of cheerfulness came from the toddler in the woman's arms, who did not appear to notice her parent's somber attitudes as she smiled and waved. It took several moments for me to realize that they must be Kuki's family.
The Japanese girl turned to us. "I have to go," she said reluctantly.
She was about to leave when I suddenly grabbed her arm.
"I almost forgot," I said as I pulled something out of my backpack. "You dropped this at the Arctic Base."
It was Kuki's Kicks-and-Giggles Rainbow Monkey. As she took the stuffed animal and clutched it to her chest, her smile began to rekindle itself a bit.
"Thanks," she said. After a moment's hesitation, she quickly pulled me into a hug. "For everything."
Then, all former fear melting away, she walked directly into her home.
"Well," Nigel said awkwardly as we began to head back. "Today was quite...interesting."
I said nothing, only sighed as I nonchalantly stuck my hands in my pockets. But to my surprise, I found a crumpled up piece of paper inside.
"Hey guys, check this out," I said. The two boys gathered on either side of me as I read the paper out loud:
Dear Nigel, Hoagie, and Abby,
I'll remember this day for a long time to come, and it's not because of my kidnapping. Today I felt like I had actual friends, and I don't want this feeling to end. Please consider allowing me to join the Kids Next Door.
-Kuki
"She must have slipped it into your pocket while she was hugging you," Hoagie said.
I sat down on a nearby park bench so I could go through my options. It was obvious that Kuki wasn't the total airhead I once thought she was, but I just couldn't figure out why she would pretend to be one.
My thoughts turned to her parents: so strict, so different from their daughter. Then I remembered how a simple Rainbow Monkey gave Kuki the strength to face them. Maybe she thought having a constantly cheerful disposition would stop her from growing up to become like the people who raised her.
Kicks and Giggles. That's what the two sides of Kuki consist of: her perkiness, and her fierceness.
Hoagie and Nigel waited patiently for me to come to my decision. To answer them, I pulled out my transmitter and dialed a number.
"Hello, Numbuh 60?" I asked. "This is Numbuh Five of Sector V. I have a new student for you.
~0~0~0~
In case any of you were wondering, here's what became of the Vegetarian.
The KND scientists performed a series of tests, and declared him to be emotionally unstable. He was sent to a crazy house for a number of years, and even after he was released, he didn't dare try any villainous behavior. The moral of the story: never underestimate Kuki Sanban.
* Kuki's appearance is based on the flashback sequences in Operation HOME.
** I pictured the fire-hydrant scooter to look similar to the speeder bikes in the chase scene of Star Wars Episode VI: Return of the Jedi.