chapter four: the crossroads

"You should take another one."

Cid had expected to find Shera sleeping. Or maybe that had just been wishful thinking. Once the disease hit the transformation stage, shit only got worse, never better. Shera was in for a lot of pain. If he could keep her from even the slightest moment of it...

She hadn't been sleeping, though. She'd been wrapping fresh bandages around her arm. Cid had taken over, carefully ensuring that every inch of damaged skin was covered.

"I'm all right," Shera said. "Don't worry about it."

"All I can do is worry," Cid said. He tied off the end of her bandage. "Just take it, alright? You'll feel better."

"It's fine now. I'd rather save them."

Cid couldn't bring himself to meet her eyes. "For... later?"

"For when you're not here."

That wasn't what he'd been expecting to hear.

"Shera," he started, but he couldn't seem to figure out what he was going to say. After a moment he ran his hand back through his hair with a sigh. "Come on, don't do this."

"Please." Shera reached out for him - the human hand, covered in bandages - and curled it around his arm. "You don't have to go."

"I have to," Cid said. "I can't just sit around and watch you go through this."

"What about the Tiny Bronco? Teller can't finish it by himself. He needs your help."

Cid had seen that for himself, as he'd been wandering around the lodge earlier. The plane's repairs were nowhere near where he'd wanted them to be, with only one person left working. The other two crewmen they'd brought from Rocket Town had died from the disease weeks ago, one right after the other.

"Don't you worry about Teller," Cid said. "I had a nice long chat with him earlier. He's got so much shit to do, he ain't gonna have time to get sick. He'll manage just fine without me. Boy learns quick." Cid wouldn't have had him learning to fly the Highwind, otherwise.

"Plus," he added, "I talked to Tifa. She said she'd check in on you every day, and bring the kids along. Make sure you have plenty of company."

Course, most of the kids were sick themselves. Didn't know what it was about kids that made the disease stick to them so easily, but they got it faster than anybody else. Weren't a whole lot of them who weren't sick anymore. Had been surprising that Barret's daughter had lasted so long, honestly.

"It sounds like you have it all figured out." Shera's voice was very soft.

"Yup. Got everything straight earlier. Gonna head out in an hour or so." Cid curled his hand around hers. "And I'm coming back, you hear me? No two ways about it. So don't worry so much, alright? Just take the tranqs when you need 'em and I'll be back before you know it with more."

"Cid..." Shera bowed her head. "You don't have to do all this. If this is about... back then..."

There was only one thing Shera could mean by those words.

"It's not about the rocket," Cid said. "No, maybe it is, just not like that. You know it hasn't been like that for a long time."

"I know," Shera said. "But-"

"It's like this," Cid said. "We made it out in space, Shera. All those years fixing up that rocket, and we finally got to see the stars. Those nights I was sitting in the dark, lookin' out for monsters, all I could think about was how it didn't matter how many stars I could see in the sky, none of it compared to that view we got that day. The stars just don't look the same from the ground, you know? The planet didn't look the same."

What was it he'd said to Cloud? The planet looked like a little kid. Some little kid it was now, having done this to them.

"And now- now we're back on the ground, and we're stuck. We can't end up like this, Shera. We just can't. Not when we made it all the way beyond the sky."

Saying the words, Cid realized he'd felt like this for a while. He'd accepted the reality of the situation, but he hadn't been able to let go of his dreams. How could he? He'd spent years doing nothing but hoping they'd come true.

Shera's eyes were brimming with tears.

"Aw, hell," Cid muttered. "I didn't mean to make you cry. Here." He tossed her one of the spare bandages.

"Sorry, I'm sorry-"

"An' stop apologizing, goddamn."

Shera rubbed at her face unsteadily. "No, I understand. All of it. It's why... I didn't want to tell you I was sick. I didn't want to give up on our dreams... on everything."

"You don't gotta give up. You just have to hold on long enough for me to get back. And I'm gonna come back." He squeezed her hand - the clawed one. No sense ignoring it. "Wait for me, alright?"

She smiled. "I promise."

It was the first real smile he'd seen from her in months.

Is it really for Shera? Or are you doing this for yourself?

Bullshit. Fucking bullshit.

Of course he was doing this for Shera. He'd done all of this for Shera. Who else was going to help her? Any tranquilizers at Healen were used as soon as they got there. There weren't enough to go around. She was just one person among dozens who were sick.

He had to help her. He couldn't just let her suffer.

"Hey. Jackass."

Vincent raised an eyebrow.

Vincent was back on guard duty, although this time he was inside the lodge. He had somehow managed to find an even shittier job than standing and guarding the wall: watching over the medical wing. Not only that, the people who were the most sick. It was a good day when those guards didn't have to subdue someone who'd gone over the edge. There hadn't been a good day in all the time Cid had been here.

More importantly, Vincent had made absolutely no preparations to leave. Apparently he'd meant that crap he'd said earlier. And he still thought he was helping by standing around here. Fuck, just seeing him had gotten Cid all pissed off again.

"Can I help you?" Vincent said.

"Yeah, that's the whole idea," Cid said. "I need you to come with me. We're going to Midgar."

"I'll have to pass."

"Like you're doing anything useful here."

"No, I can't imagine why putting people who are suffering out of their misery would be useful."

"Don't all high and mighty with me-"

"I've given you all the help I can," Vincent said. "If you want to do anything more for Shera, you're on your own."

"What the fuck is your problem?" Cid demanded. "Fuckin' hell, I never woulda hauled you outta your coffin if I'd known you were gonna be like this."

Vincent's tone was cold. "Perhaps not."

"She's already turning, you asshole! I have to get her more tranqs, or it'll be too late for her!"

"It's already too late."

"Listen, you-"

"You listen." Vincent hadn't raised his voice - he never did - but the force of the words was enough to cut through Cid's words. "You sought to ease her pain, and so you found her tranquilizers. You can now ease her passing. There is nothing more you can do. The sooner you realize that, the better for you both."

Cid gaped at him. "The- you- are you fucking crazy? I'm trying to save her life, not watch her die! Did you really think- what the fuck is wrong with you?"

Did Vincent seriously think Cid was just going to bring the tranquilizers back to Shera so he could dose them with her and let her drift away in a nice, peaceful death? Cid recoiled from the very thought. Fuck that.

"You seem to be forgetting there's no cure," Vincent said. "There is no way to save her. The tranquilizers do nothing but delay your fate."

"You taken a look at Rufus lately? They've been delaying his since the goddamn Meteor fell!"

And, sure, Rufus had probably taken more tranquilizers than everyone else at Healen combined, but he was still alive, wasn't he? Parts of him had turned monstrous, but he still had plenty of human parts. Enough to keep holding out hope for a cure. Wasn't like he didn't have the motivation.

"And that's what Shera wants? That half-life?"

"She wants to live! Mother of fuck, Valentine, that's all any of us want!"

Vincent shook his head and looked away. "It's not something to desire."

"The fuck do you even know? You don't even have your monsters anymore. Who knows if you're even susceptible to the disease." Cid threw his hands in the air. "Whoop de fuckin' do, you don't get to go crazy like the rest of us."

"Highwind-"

"No. You don't want to help? Fine. I'll go find the tranqs myself." Cid walked away, steaming. "You stay here. See if you can make yourself useful."

He didn't look back.

So Cid was on his own.

That was fine. He could manage on his own. He'd just have to be careful. He'd been fighting the makonoids a damn long time. He knew how to keep them from getting the best of him.

For a brief moment he thought about bringing Teller along with him, but... no. The kid was better off staying at Healen. Besides he'd never been any good with a gun. He'd been one of the greenest recruits he'd ever gotten outta Shinra and Cid had spent more time covering his ass in the past few months than the other way around. Nah, he was better off staying and working on the plane.

Tifa had the kids to look after, and past that Cid didn't know the people here too well. He'd been too busy working on his own shit to make nice. That kind of thing was hard when people had the unfortunate habit of getting sick and dropping dead in a matter of months. Made you not want to get too friendly.

Anyway, he'd manage. He'd just have to change his plans.

Forget Junon. Midgar too. Cid would never make it there alone. He'd have to think smaller. He could probably make it back to the chocobo farm by himself fine, but there was nothing there to find. Only other place in the same range was Kalm.

Kalm had been picked over thoroughly by its citizens and makonoids alike, but things had to be better now. Wasn't like it had ever had a mako reactor of its own, it was powered off the Midgar grid. Couldn't be too many makonoids left.

Wouldn't be much in the way of supplies, either, but there had to be something. Somewhere no one had looked. And if there wasn't...

Well. No sense worrying about that now.

He hefted his spear over his shoulder, and headed out into the wastes alone.