Chapter 4

"Damnit!" Alex sighed as she spilled her coffee on the table. She grabbed a few napkins and began quickly cleaning up. She leaned forward and rested her head in her hands she didn't think the day could possibly get any worse. Her current case had ended that morning in a mistrial. She had gotten into an argument that morning with Elliot over a warrant, and due to shaky evidence and an unreliable witness the perp in her newest case was probably going to walk. She walked over and took a seat at her desk; she couldn't help but smile when she looked at the picture of Olivia she kept there. The picture was one Olivia had sent her from Afghanistan she was in full uniform and smiling at the camera. While it broke her heart at the reminder of how far away her fiancé was she loved the picture and the pride she felt would almost overwhelm her. She pulled it to her and placed a quick kiss on it before sitting it back. As she laid her head back she glanced at the other photo on her desk it had been taken several months after they had begun dating, they were at a fourth of July cookout at her grandparents estate on Martha's Vineyard Alex was sitting on Olivia's lap with Olivia's arms wrapped securely around her waist. As she closed her eyes she wrapped her arms around herself and tried to pretend it was Olivia holding her.

That evening as she made her way home she was debating whether or not to take her mother up on her offer to go out to dinner. Alex knew her mother was worried about her but she really didn't feel up to going out, especially after the day she'd had. She'd spent most of the afternoon trying to hold it together when Olivia called to tell her that their tour had been extended another month. So instead of getting to see her fiancé in two weeks she was going to have to wait six. "Cabot." She sighed as her phone rang.

"I know who you are dear a simple hello would suffice." Caroline joked as she noticed the tension in her daughter's voice.

Alex smiled at her mother's attempt to cheer her up. "Sorry I didn't look to see who it was." They made small talk as Alex walked down the hall to her apartment "Mom I really don't feel up to going out tonight. It's been a really bad day. I just want to curl up and forget this day ever happened."

"Alex I know you want to be by yourself but why don't you let me get dinner and bring it over. I'll at least know you ate. I know how you get when you have days like this."

Alex knew it would be easier to agree than to argue with her mother "Ok. I'll see you in a little while." She dropped her bags as she entered the door and headed to the kitchen for a glass of wine. She changed her mind when she caught sight of the bottle of whisky in the cabinet she poured a shot and winced as it went down. She headed to her bathroom and climbed into the shower, as she began relaxing under the hot water her tears began to fall. She stayed in the shower until the water turned cold. She stood in her bedroom wrapped in a towel like she did every evening she pulled one of Olivia's shirts out and put it on along with a pair of sweats. She fixed a glass of wine and collapsed on the couch and began sorting through the mail. Her day suddenly got better when she spotted Olivia's handwriting on one of the envelopes. To some letter writing may seem old fashioned in a day where there were faster ways to get in touch but there was something about a letter that Alex had always loved. It meant someone had considered what they wanted to say, they had taken time out of their day to sit down and write down their thoughts. She grinned when a couple photos spilled out. One was a picture of Olivia sitting on what was left of a rock wall the mountains in the background. Alex had to take a deep breath at the sight of her soldier, Olivia was in uniform with the sleeves of her t-shirt rolled up which showed off her tan, toned arms. Alex loved those arms whether they were wrapped around her holding her close during the night or when she would run her hands along them as Olivia propped herself up over her as they made love. She chuckled as she looked at the next Olivia was playing soccer with a small group of Afghan children. Alex immediately pictured sitting in the park while Olivia played with their children. Children were a topic they had danced around but had yet to discuss seriously. She made a mental note to bring the subject up once Olivia came home. She pulled Olivia's shirt up closer and inhaled her scent as she began reading the letter.

Dear Alex,

Hey beautiful! I miss you. Thank you for the last care package and Jones said to thank Caroline for sending brownies for her too. I hope you like the pictures. The one of just me was taken on a route near our base. It's in one of the safer areas and I love the view and wanted to share it with you. The second was taken in the village closest to us. The kids came over because I always have candy, tell Elliot thanks for sending more by the way. I couldn't understand what they were saying but I was sure they were laughing at me because I suck at soccer. I asked a translator and he laughed as he said that they were indeed laughing at me. They break my heart Alex they take pleasures in the simplest things. Handing them a piece of candy is like handing a kid back home the hottest toy.

I'm sure by the time this letter reaches you it will only be a couple more weeks until I'm home. I liked the pictures and ideas you emailed me about the wedding. I'm smiling as I write this, just thinking about marrying you makes my time here so much easier. I can't wait to marry you and call you my wife, and to be called your wife as well. I can't wait to come home and hold you in my arms. I'll be home soon. I love you Alex.

Love always,

Olivia

Alex wiped the tears that had begun again as she read. When Olivia wrote the letter she was planning on being home soon now they had added another month to her tour, another month till they could get married and another month till Olivia would be in her arms. She laid the pictures on the coffee table to show her mother and took the letter and put it in the drawer in her bedside table with all the others she'd received. She went to open the door when she heard her mother knocking.

Caroline held a bag up after entering the apartment and hugging her daughter "I know how much you love the linguine from Romano's."

Alex sat the bag on the kitchen table and inhaled as she opened the bag. She didn't realize how hungry she was until that moment. "Thank you."

"Don't mention it. Now go have a seat and I'll bring dinner in." They talked about Alex's day and the letter from Olivia. "So how are plans for the wedding coming?"

Alex sighed and sat her empty plate on the coffee table "Their on hold at the moment."

"Why?"

"I forgot to tell you, Olivia called this morning and they extended her leave by one month. So instead of being home at the beginning of June she won't be home till the first of July. So I don't see the point in continuing with the plans right now."

"Well you could always continue making your plans and then it's done when she gets home." Caroline could see the struggle her daughter was fighting internally. She feared Alex was nearing her breaking point.

Alex stood and began pacing the room "What's the point Mom?!" she ran her hands through her hair. "I'll have plans made for when she gets home and a couple weeks before I'll get the phone call that it's being extended again. I'll have gotten my hopes up for nothing."

"Oh Alex it might not get extended. You have to stay positive." She tried to wrap her arms around her daughter.

Alex pulled back quickly "That's just it Mom I'm tired of staying positive. I'm tired of being strong. I just want her home!" she fought against her mother when she pulled her into her arms but finally relented and allowed her mother to hold her.

"Alex I'm not even going to pretend to know how you feel. I was lucky enough to have your father at home with us, but Alex no one can be strong all the time. It's okay to be upset that Olivia isn't here, it's okay to be angry that her tour got extended, it's okay to be upset and angry that you have to delay your wedding plans."

"No it's not okay. I have to be strong for her. It would be selfish of me to not be." Alex slowly pulled back and wiped her tears.

"It's not selfish it's called being human."

They both grew quiet as Alex went to the bathroom and splashed water on her face. She knew her Mom was right she just couldn't convince herself of it. She quickly wiped her face and ran to the other room when she heard the tone on her computer. She had talked to Olivia that morning she wasn't expecting to hear from her this evening as well. "Hi baby!" she practically squealed when Olivia's face appeared on the screen.

"Hey beautiful." Talking to Alex earlier in the day had been great but nothing compared to actually seeing her face.

"I didn't expect to see you. It's got to be early there what are you doing up?"

"We're making an early run this morning so I figured I'd grab a few minutes with you."

"I'm glad." She grinned "You know the drill." She laughed as Olivia stood and turned around and added a slight sway of her hips as she did.

"Glad to see you're staying in shape soldier." Caroline said with a laugh as Olivia sat down quickly and she and Alex both blushed. All three women talked for a few minutes before Caroline excused herself to allow her daughter and her fiancé to talk.

"Are you okay Alex? You look like you've been crying."

"I'm fine Liv. I had a bad day but it suddenly got better. I got your letter; I love the pictures by the way. The one of you alone especially." She grinned mischievously.

"I thought you would like that one. So how are the wedding plans coming?"

Alex looked down "I was thinking about holding off on any more plans until we know for sure you get to come home."

Olivia's stomach dropped she hoped Alex wasn't changing her mind about marrying her. She had always been afraid that Alex would realize she deserved a better life than what Olivia was giving her and leave "Oh, okay, um well if you want to postpone I understand." Her heart felt as if it was about to break.

"No I didn't mean that, I can't wait to marry you. It's just I worry about making the plans for when you get home and then your tour get extended again that's all. I want to marry you Olivia."

Olivia breathed a sigh of relief "Good because I want to marry you too."

After a few more minutes they reluctantly ended their call, kissing their fingers and pressing them to the screen as they professed their love for one another. When she was done Alex walked into the kitchen where her mother was and sat down at the counter.

"She looks good." Caroline said as she put away the leftovers from dinner.

"She always looks good Mom." Alex said with a smile.

Caroline sat down in front of the blonde "Alex I'm going to say something and I want you to hear me out before you say anything. Okay?" Alex nodded "I think you need to get some help." Alex's eyes went wide and she opened her mouth to protest but was stopped when her mother held up her hand "I'm not saying you need a shrink or anything like that but I do think you need someone to talk to. Alex I'm afraid you're nearing a breakdown and I won't stand by and allow that, besides Olivia would never forgive me if I did. Now I've been looking into it and there are several support groups for family members of the military. One of them meets at a community center a couple blocks from my house and there's another that meets in the basement of a church a couple streets over. I'm afraid between the stress of your job plus your worry over Olivia that you're going to break. Do you want to be on the verge of a mental or nervous breakdown when Olivia gets back?" Alex shook her head no. "Will you at least consider it?"

Alex looked everywhere but at her mother. As much as she hated to admit it her Mom was right, she knew she was heading for a breakdown. "I'll look into it."

The following Saturday Alex walked into the basement of the First Presbyterian Church a few blocks from her apartment. She sat quietly and listened as some of the men, women and even a few teens talked about their family members who were scattered across the globe in different branches of the military. Listening to them she slowly began see that she wasn't alone and her Mom was right she didn't always have to be strong. She listened as the older lady seated next to her spoke of her grandsons, one in Afghanistan and one in Iraq. She hadn't planned on saying anything so she was surprised when her mouth opened to speak "My name is Alex." Everyone acknowledged her. At first she had been afraid to mention that she had a girlfriend not a boyfriend or husband overseas but quickly realized no one would care when a mother spoke of her son overseas and his partner who was here. She sighed before continuing "My fiancé Olivia is currently stationed in Afghanistan, she's a Sergeant and MP. We were planning to marry when her tour ends at the first of June but we found out the other day that its been extended a month and she won't be home now until the first of July." She heard her voice crack but told herself not to cry. She however couldn't help the lone tear that escaped when the older woman next to her placed a comforting hand on hers. "I'm just afraid she's not going to come home."

"That's what we're all afraid of dear." The older woman said as she gently squeezed the blonde's hand.

By the end of the meeting Alex was emotionally drained but at the same time she felt better. She didn't feel as alone as she used to, she had somewhere she could go and people would understand how she felt. She decided to walk home and get some air. Her mind continued to drift to thoughts about the wedding so she wasn't surprised that the first thing she did when she arrived home was begin browsing online for a dress. She called on of the nicest bridal stores in the city and sat up an appointment for that week to begin trying on dresses. After calling her mother and asking her to go along she poured a glass of wine and sat down in the floor with her laptop and bridal magazines spread out in front of her. She felt lighter than she had in weeks and was once again eagerly looking forward to her wedding and the return of her soldier.

A/N: Thank you for the reviews! I'm glad you liked. I know some of you were hoping for a happy chapter after the last one but for some sadistic reason I wanted Alex to suffer a little longer. Rest assured we will have a homecoming next chapter. I had someone PM me about their ages; Alex is the same age as Stephanie and for this story Olivia is two years older. Since this is taking place around the end of season 4 Alex is 28 almost 29 and Olivia is 31. Let me know what you think. I hope you enjoyed!