Thanks for all the reviews, favourites and follows last chapter. It's much appreciated. Hopefully this chapter clears up a few things.
Chapter 4: I'm done!
"No, you killed my baby!" Santana screams. "I don't know if I'll ever be able to forgive you for that."
"Excuse me" I say shocked. Where the hell did that come from? How can she say I killed our baby?
"You. Killed. My. Baby." she says slowly patronising me as if I'm stupid.
"Santana, what are you talking about? We all know the car accident was indeed that, an accident" I say. "It wasn't either of our faults, it was nothing but a very upsetting unfortunate accident, one that I would never wish upon anyone."
"You told the doctors to go through with the operation which ended up killing my baby" Santana says in tears. "You told them Brittany, you told them to do it which makes it your fault."
"Ok wait a minute" I say sighing. "The baby didn't die because of the C section babe, the baby died because she was premature and had a severe risk of not surviving" I say.
"I know it wasn't the C section itself, but if you told the doctors not to deliver the baby yet then she would have had a chance to grow inside me to full term and become stronger so then I could have gave birth to her normally and she'd be here now, alive and well" she says crying.
"Santana…" I say trying to hold back the tears.
"Admit it" she demands angrily but still crying.
"I'm not going to lie when the doctor asked I told him to proceed with the operation" I reply. "I don't know where this is all coming from because you knew you were getting a C section" I say confused.
"Yes because I thought it was the doctor's decision, I didn't realise there was a choice and if I had knew there was I would have said don't deliver the baby yet. You should have known I didn't want to have the baby delivered early if it could be avoided" she tells me.
"That's the thing no one knew one what would have happened, you could have begun to haemorrhage or you might have been fine so as your next of kin I had to make the decision because you were unconscious at that time and to me the safest option was to deliver the baby" I tell her. "If we waited any longer you could have got worse and I could have lost you but luckily you gained consciousness not long after" I say.
"Why didn't you check with me at that moment then, I know the doctor had asked already but why didn't you consult with me since I gained consciousness because I wouldn't have thought the doctor would have held you to the first answer" she asks.
"I thought what I did was right, we couldn't predict what could have happened so for both you and the baby I thought it was the best option" I say. "The baby probably wouldn't have survived inside you any longer due to how severe the placenta abruption was so she really had to be delivered even though she was way too early."
"No Brittany, how many times did I tell you it was my biggest fear our baby being born premature?" she asks. "I know someone at work and they were telling me about their niece being born premature and the things the family went through were horrible. I didn't want that for our baby and look what happened, we got it worse because my baby died."
"I know you told me about the story and how you were scared it would happen to us but I'm afraid the best option at the time was to deliver the baby. I won't apologise for doing the best thing for my wife and daughter" I say. Everything seems to go quiet before Santana breaks the long silence.
"Why" she asks teary eyed.
"Because you…" I start off but she cuts me off.
"No why did you want my baby dead" she asks.
"Babe it's not like that, not at all" I reply. How can she think that about me?
"You knew I always wanted children so why kill the one thing I wanted most in the world?" she asks.
"You make it seem like I am a cold hearted bitch that hates children" I state.
"Well you're not exactly giving me an alternative opinion with the way you act" she replies.
"Oh my god, you do actually think I am like that" I say sadly.
"You killed my baby so what do you want me to think?" she asks in tears.
"Please stop saying that, I did what I thought was best" I plead. "I wanted that baby as much as you did."
"Yeah sure sounds like it" she glares at me.
"Santana you could have bled to death if we didn't make a decision soon enough so to me the simplest option was deliver the baby which would be best for the baby and also better for you" I say.
"Was I bleeding that heavily?" she asks.
"No but the abruption was so severe there was a strong chance you could haemorrhage and go into shock" I say. "There was no way in hell I was taking that risk."
"Whatever" she brushes it off as if what I said was irrelevant.
"I'm really sorry but if I did have to choose between you then I'd pick you but in our situation there was no choice to make because no matter what happened the baby had to be delivered. You can think what you want about that day, but even though I would pick you I didn't have to because there was no options for the baby" I tell her.
"Are you telling me you'd openly choose to kill my baby if there were options?" she asks.
"No I wouldn't choose to kill anyone, I would choose to save someone, to save you" I reply.
"I am not a mother because of you" she states. This is doing my head in, there was no chance our baby would survive inside Santana however it just happened the baby was starved of too much oxygen by the time she was delivered that she basically took her first and last breath at the same time.
"Santana if it wasn't for me you could be dead, doesn't that mean something to you?" I ask.
"What's that supposed to mean?" she asks.
"If I didn't let the doctor go through with the C section and deliver the baby then you probably would be dead right now" I answer.
"No I wouldn't, you said yourself no one could predict what would happen so maybe I would have been fine" she says.
"It's doubtful ok but anyway the baby really wouldn't be ok" I say.
"Stop talking like it was 100% sure I would be dead if the baby wasn't delivered" she snaps.
"We're not getting into this Santana, there were too many risks so the safest option was for the baby to be delivered. I'm sick of saying that all the time, I am telling you it was the right thing" I say growing angry.
"Why can't you just admit you ruined my chances of a baby?" she asks.
"Because it's not true" I state. "And will you stop saying your baby, it was mine too you know" I say angrily. "If I wasn't here you wouldn't have been pregnant so stop making out as if it was just your baby when it wasn't."
"Whatever Brittany" she dismisses my point.
"I was just as heartbroken as you were when our little girl didn't make it" I say.
"Oh yeah so you were" she says sarcastically.
We must have sat in silence for a good ten minutes before I spoke.
"We can have a baby again, when the time is right obviously" I suggest.
"No I can't" she replies
"How can you not?" I ask frowning. "We have plenty of years left to have children, we just need to wait for a bit."
"I can't have another baby because I don't want a baby with someone that didn't want our last baby" she tells me. "You're the only person I have ever dreamed of having a baby with so do you realise how much it hurts knowing that you don't share the same feeling, knowing that our baby, the one you killed you never wanted in the first place."
"Please Santana, can't you see" I'm almost begging now to get her to see sense.
"You don't get it Brittany" she says. "Every time I get dressed or have a shower I am reminded of what I lost. I look at that caesarean scar and all I think about is how I don't have a baby. I am scarred for life now for no reason because nothing came out of it since I have no baby" she tells me.
"Santana I appreciate you wanted that baby so bad but like I have said thousands of times that was the best option for both of you" I say. "I am telling you now there was no chance the baby would have survived inside of you because you're placenta was so detached from the inner wall of your uterus that there was no way oxygen would get to the baby" I don't mean to sound angry but she really isn't listening.
"But…" she starts off but I interject.
"Enough Santana!" I say loudly. "Our baby was dead no matter what happened!" I shout.
"Are you suddenly a doctor now or something?" she asks cheekily.
"No but my dad is and my mom is a nurse plus I'm a biology teacher so I'm not that clueless" I tell her.
"You still don't know enough to make a proper judgement" she tells me.
"Your mom is right, you need professional help Santana" I say. "I think you know what I did was the right decision but you're struggling with your grief that you're looking to blame it on something and that something is me. You don't want to feel this heartache anymore so why not blame it on Brittany 'lying' rather than dealing with the real issue here which is that you're depressed and grieving a lot more than you let on" I tell her.
"Ok so you're a doctor, a biology teacher and now a fucking therapist?" she asks angrily.
"That is just my assumption" I say.
"I'm going to bed now because I'm working tomorrow and this is making me exhausted. If you still want to talk and make me more stressed then we'll do it tomorrow ok?" she says while standing up from the couch.
"Fine, we'll talk tomorrow" I say. I would like everything sorted out but she is right we do have work and the last thing I need to do is be exhausted and distracted tomorrow. My students have exams coming up soon so they need me and I'll be no use if my mind isn't on the job.
Wednesday evening
Santana and I have barely spoken since the truth came out last night. We did sleep in the same bed last night and did talk to one another briefly at breakfast this morning but that was about it. I'm glad I finally know what's wrong but at the same time I'm struggling to understand why she can't see I did it for the best. I desperately want us to work through things together but I don't know how that's going to happen if she can't listen to me.
Santana is due home any minute now and I've cooked dinner so I'm hoping we can sit down and finish our talk from last night while we eat. I have to realise though that Santana will be struggling differently from me because she carried our baby for seven months so she'll have different feelings from me. I'm definitely cut up about losing my daughter but I hadn't quite had the same bond with her as Santana did. Of course I bonded with my baby but there's one thing being there watching your wife carry your daughter and there's another, actually carrying your baby.
"Hey" I say as Santana walks into the kitchen.
"Hi" she replies.
"How was work?" I ask.
"It was ok, I was pretty distracted though" she answers.
"That's understandable" I say.
"How was your work? Did the students like the game you made up for them to revise?" she asks and I smile. I didn't think she'd remember about that. I was telling her the other night all about it but I thought with where her emotions and everything were, I didn't think she'd remember what I had said.
"Yeah, they said it really helped so I'm happy about that" I reply.
"So I made dinner and I thought we could eat while we finish our talk from last night" I suggest.
"Do we need to?" she asks causing me to frown. "I am exhausted right now. After all the hard work I put into sorting everything for a house that two of my clients were buying, they decided they weren't going to move anymore. I had done all the legal stuff, checked out everything on the area, went back and forth to the lawyers of the people that were selling the house, I negotiated offers on my clients' behalf and then I had to go and undo everything once they said they didn't want to move" she tells me and I do feel bad. However this isn't just about Santana and we need to sort the mess we're in.
"I know you might be tired babe but don't you want this thing sorted once and for all?" I ask.
"Yes Brittany but I'm not in the right head space tonight" she replies.
"I appreciate that but I can't live like this anymore, something has to change" I say.
"Ok fine" she sighs. "Can we at least eat a bit first before talking so I can get some energy into me?"
"Sure, you sit down and I'll plate out the food" I say and Santana sits down. Once we have started eating, we decided to just finish and clear up before we had our conversation. We didn't begin our talk or should I say argument until we were upstairs getting changed out of our work clothes to get more comfortable.
"I'm not sure I want to be with someone that can't see I tried to do the right thing and can't see I love them so much" I say as things begin to get heated. "You're the love of my life and it hurts so much that you can't understand my decision. Do you have any idea how I would feel if you were no longer with us, if you were dead. It makes me feel sick even thinking about it so I will never regret the decision I made even if it made us so hurt and miserable and we lost our precious daughter.
"Right" Santana nods.
"I'm being serious Santana, this is killing me" I reply. "Stop dismissing what I am saying and listen to me, please" I almost beg.
"Ok, I hear you" she says.
"Why do you stay with me?" I ask, realising that I am getting nowhere so I decide to change the angle on the situation.
"What do you mean?" she frowns.
"If you hate me so much then why do you still stay with me, why are we still married?" I ask and she doesn't really know what to say.
"Hate is a strong word Brittany" she replies.
"I don't understand why we are still married when you hate my guts and see no future with me anymore" I say. "I don't think you want to be with me so why are we still living together."
"Brittany I don't hate you, obviously I'm upset and stuff but hate is too strong a word" she tells me. At least it's something I guess.
"Why don't you just divorce me?" I ask. "I clearly make you that miserable."
"Well…em…eh" she doesn't know what to say again.
"Do you still love me?" I ask while looking straight into her eyes.
"Em…I mean…eh" she stutters over her words once again.
"It's an easy answer, a yes or a no is all you need to reply" I say.
"Brittany I…" she takes a pause for a moment "I just…"
"Do you love me Santana?" I ask starting to get teary eyed.
"I want to but…" she replies before I cut her off.
"Do you know what, forget about it. I'm done" I say with tears running down my face.
"Done?" she questions. "What do you mean you're done?"
"Yeah I'm done, I'm leaving" I say wiping the tears off my face with a tissue.
"You're leaving me?" she asks completely shocked for some reason. I grab my overnight bag from the closet and throw some of my things into it. "Brittany are you leaving me?" she asks.
"I have had enough of this treatment Santana, I can't do it anymore" I say while grabbing my toiletry bag from the bathroom.
"Do what?" she asks.
"Be a target for you?" I reply.
"What are you talking about?" she asks confused.
"I'm your wife Santana not someone you can just hurt whenever you feel like. You constantly tell me what a bad wife I am and how I ruined this for you. You take all your anger out on me and blame me for everything" I say.
"I…"
"I'm not finished speaking, this is it for me. I will not be your punching bag anymore, figuratively speaking obviously" I say and there is a brief period of silence as I pack a few more things into another bag. "I've tried my hardest to get you to see things from my perspective but clearly you have tunnel vision. I refuse to wait around any longer, hoping that I will get the woman I love back because it's too late now. You've pushed me too far, I love you so much but things can't keep going the way they were."
"Are you done now, can I speak?" she asks.
"Yes" I reply sighing.
"Ok so now the dramatic rant is over, can we at least talk about…" she says and I glare while cutting her off.
"Hold on a second, I'm not being dramatic" I state.
"Come on you are a bit" she says.
"No I'm not I am serious, I have had enough" I reply.
"Look why don't you put your stuff away and we can talk about this weird notion of you leaving because I know you're not going to leave" she says and boy could she be anymore wrong.
"I mean it this time" I say seriously. "I am leaving Santana."
"I'm sure you do" she says.
"How dare you belittle me like that, I am leaving because I need a break" I say angrily.
"We all need a break sometimes Brittany but we don't threaten to leave when we have no intentions of leaving" she says.
"Are you not listening to me, I am leaving so I'm going to go to my parents' house" I tell her.
"Ok so life got a little hard, well really hard because you did kill my baby but that doesn't mean you need to pretend to leave me" she replies.
"I'm not even talking to you anymore about this, just have a good life Santana" I say as I grab my bags and run down the stairs.
"Point made Brittany now come back upstairs" Santana says as she follows me down the stairs. I don't say anything, I just open the front door. "The joke has went on long enough so just put your stuff back upstairs please" she tells me.
"I will pick up the rest of my stuff tomorrow" I tell her before leaving the house and slamming the door behind me.
Thursday afternoon
Santana's POV
I don't know why Brittany had to pull a stunt like that but I wasn't amused whatsoever. I didn't go after her last night, I thought it would be best to let her cool off for a bit. As expected she didn't come home either but I'm pretty sure she said she was going to stay at her parent's house. I'm currently on the phone with Quinn right now and I was telling her all about last night.
Me: Yeah so she didn't come home
Quinn: I see
Me: she'll be back soon enough, she's only proving a point
Quinn: honey I don't think she is just proving a point, it sounds pretty serious
Me: she just needs time to calm down
Quinn: Santana I don't mean to be blunt but she's left and I don't think she is coming back anytime soon
Me: of course she is, don't be silly. We're married.
Quinn: I know but like I say this sounds really serious, maybe you should go and talk to her.
Me: I don't know if that's a good idea.
Quinn: you have almost lost her Santana, you need to make this right straight away. Apologise to her as soon as you see or hear from her.
Me: apologise for what? I should still be on maternity leave with a four month old baby right now not feeling like this so why should I need to apologise for being heartbroken?
Quinn: Santana I am talking about the way you treat Brittany, it's awful.
I am just about to answer Quinn when I hear the front door open and walk to the hall to see who it is. When I see its Brittany, I tell Quinn I have to go and I'll speak to her again at some point.
"Hey, you're back" I say to Brittany.
"I'm only here to collect a few more things and then I'm going back to my parent's house" she tells me.
"You made your point clear, I get it. I may have treated you unfairly but I can't help these feelings" I say.
"Look no matter what you said or did to me, I think it is important you have some space from me. Hell I need space from you to gather my thoughts so if I'm not here for a while it should hopefully make things clearer" she says.
"But I don't want you to go" I tell her, almost on the brink of tears.
"Santana…" she says sympathetically. "I need to go."
"You can't leave, it's not right" I tell her while grabbing her arm desperately. "You're my wife and I'm yours, a marriage won't work if we are not living together."
"Santana I have to, I cannot put up with this anymore. I'm going to collect some stuff and then I'm gone" she says.
Before I know it, I'm alone in that big house again. Brittany got more stuff and then left, she wasn't even going to say goodbye but because I heard her come running down the stairs she was forced to. I don't understand what makes her think she can leave me at a time like this, she is my wife and I need her here. Crap why didn't I tell her that. I slump down onto the floor in a heap, crying my eyes out wishing I begged harder for her to stay.
Hope this was ok, let me know. More details of the incident will be revealed through flashbacks later on. I didn't want to put in too much as it would be hard to digest.