"Harley! I'm so glad you could make it!" said Poison Ivy, throwing open the door and hugging her best friend tightly.
"Yeah, well, I almost didn't," agreed Harley. "I left the kiddies with Mr. J and the moment I drove off, I was tempted to turn right back around."
"But you didn't," said Ivy, nodding as she beckoned her inside. "So good for you. Just because you're a mother doesn't mean you can't kick back and have some fun on your own once in a while."
"If I can remember how to have fun in between worrying, I will," said Harley. "Uh…happy birthday," she said, handing her a gift.
"Oh…a potted plant…how…original," said Ivy, slowly. "Thanks, Harley…"
"There's a card attached," said Harley. Ivy opened the envelope, and pulled out a card with a necklace inside. "It's a friendship necklace," explained Harley. "You have one half, and I have the other, so that means we're friends for life."
"Oh yeah…those things people did in elementary school," said Ivy. "That's…sweet. 'To my bestest friend Red, who's been there through all the good times and the bad,'" she said, reading the card. "'Happy not-over-the-hill party. Lova ya, Harley.' Thanks, Harley," she said, hugging her.
"Ain't you gonna wear the necklace?" asked Harley.
"Sure, yeah," said Ivy, taking the piece of plastic and putting it around her neck.
"See it's a green leaf, because you like plants and all, and mine's a diamond…" explained Harley.
"I get it, Harl," interrupted Ivy. "Come have a drink – Selina's already here."
"I must be imagining things – you don't see the clown girl around anymore without her clown brood attached to her," commented Selina Kyle, as Harley entered the room. "How did you ditch the kids, Harley?"
"Mr. J's looking after them tonight," said Harley, lightly.
"Wow. I'd expect them to be dead when you get back," said Selina, sipping her drink.
"I have the utmost confidence in him, Selina," retorted Harley. "He's a good Daddy."
"If you say so," sighed Selina. "So you're still clinically insane, huh?"
"Yep," said Harley, proudly. "What about you, Selina? Still into the whole cat burglary thing? Why change a good gimmick, am I right?"
"Actually, I'm semi-retired these days," said Selina. "I've stolen enough to be pretty much set for life, and I'm looking into purchasing some real estate in Monte Carlo with my toy boy, Kyle."
"You know if you got married to him, and he decided to take your name, he'd be Kyle Kyle?" said Harley. "That's almost worth doing just for that."
"Yeah, I'm not really the marrying type," said Selina, shrugging. "Or the breeding type, but as long as you're happy, Harley. Still, you must feel hugely relieved to get away from the kids for one night."
"You'd think so," said Harley, nodding. "But honestly, I miss them a lot."
"Have a drink and get your mind off them," said Ivy, handing her a margarita.
"Who else are we expecting?" asked Selina.
"Emilia Crane, Johnny's wife," said Ivy. "And that's it."
"There's only four of us and you call this a party?" asked Selina, raising an eyebrow. "This is basically just our usual girly evenings, plus one."
"I told Harley, I appear to have alienated a lot of my other female friends," said Ivy. "Anyway, we can have a good party with just four – it's the activities that count, and believe me, I've got some great things planned for tonight."
"If it's a male stripper, it's a little cliché," said Selina.
"It's better than that," retorted Ivy.
"Was it going to be that until I just said it was a little cliché?" asked Selina.
"No. Don't flatter yourself that I have even the slightest interest in your opinion of my entertainment," snapped Ivy.
"Y'know, of the two of us, I'm meant to be the catty one," retorted Selina. "But it's no surprise how you lost your other female friends."
"That's what Emilia and I said," said Harley, nodding.
"It's not a gender thing – I'm dismissive of all humans, because I'm so much better than the rest of you," retorted Ivy.
"Yeah, this is gonna be a fun party," sighed Harley, as Ivy went to go answer the knock at the door. Harley glanced at her phone, wondering if she should check in on Mr. J. But she reassured herself that she was just being paranoid, and put it back in her bag.
"Emilia's here," said Ivy, leading her inside. "Of course you know Harley, and this is Selina Kyle, also known as Catwoman."
"Hello, I don't believe we've met before," said Emilia, smiling and holding out her hand. "I'm Emilia Crane, Jonathan's wife."
"Nice to meet you," said Selina, shaking her hand. "Can I get you a drink?"
"Something non-alcoholic, thank you," said Emilia. "I'm pregnant."
"Oh good, another breeder," said Selina, sarcastically, as she poured Emilia some juice. "So tell me, you and Johnny – that was a pity thing, right?" she asked, handing her the glass. "I mean, you married him because you felt sorry for him, I assume."
"Um…no," said Emilia, slowly. "I love my husband very much."
"Is it rude to ask why?" asked Selina, sipping her drink.
"Selina, don't be catty," snapped Ivy. "Women are allowed to have different tastes in men and everything else. That's what feminism is all about - choice."
"Yeah, but it's important to make the right choice," agreed Selina. "You can't call Harley a feminist, for instance, because she's made terrible, terrible choices."
"I think you're just jealous that your on-again, off-again relationship with Batman never worked out," retorted Harley. "Talk about your terrible choices. There's a man who's incapable of commitment, not that you're particularly good at that either."
"If by commitment, you mean shackling yourself to an abusive monster forever the way you have, by being stuck with his children, then yes, I guess I'm happily uncommitted," replied Selina.
"Is this what you…normally do at these get-togethers?" asked Emilia, slowly. "Just snipe at and insult each other?"
"Usually," agreed Ivy. "Fun, huh?"
"Uh…yes," said Emilia. "I suppose…"
"Anyway, you probably shouldn't have settled for Crane," continued Selina. "You're a nice-looking girl – you probably could have done a lot better. I can't imagine he has any hidden depths, or anything that might attract a woman to him really."
"Well, he…makes me very happy," said Emilia. "I suppose that's all the hidden depths he needs, really."
"Right," said Selina, sarcastically. "We should play a game of 'Never Have I Ever' later, Ivy. Get some dirt on Scarecrow."
"I'm not doing that again after it went horribly wrong with Harley," said Ivy. "There are things I heard about her and J that still give me nightmares. Anyway, my entertainment is better than some silly drinking game."
"No drinking game, no stripper – this had better be damn good," snapped Selina.
"It is," said Ivy, confidently. "And now that we're all here, I can show you. If you ladies would follow me into the dining room, please," she said, opening a door. "We can get this party started."
Harley glanced at her phone again before following Ivy, but in the absence of a missed call or message, she had to assume everything was fine at home.
She entered the dining room to see a long table, with four empty chairs, and several others, which contained various men tied and gagged in them. "I thought this party was women only," said Harley. "Who the heck are these guys?"
"My exes," said Ivy. "And for our entertainment portion of this evening, we're going to brutally murder them. Any way you like – I've got some weapons, poison, plant-related toxins, killer plants, whatever takes your fancy," she said, gesturing to a pile in the corner.
"This is…the adult entertainment?" asked Emilia, slowly.
"Well, it's not appropriate for children, is it?" retorted Ivy.
"Why would it be fun for us to kill your ex-boyfriends?" asked Harley.
"Because killing worthless sacks of meat is always fun, Harley," retorted Ivy.
"You know I'm not big on killing, right?" asked Selina.
"I thought that was only when you were dating Batman," said Ivy. "Time to get over that hangup, Selina. There's nothing more fun, and nothing I enjoy more, than killing men, so this is my birthday present to myself. And just because I like you ladies, I'm letting you in on the fun too."
The three other women shared looks. "Gee, Red, it's a lovely thought…" began Harley.
"But?" prompted Ivy.
"But…I don't think any of us are…that comfortable with it," said Harley, slowly. "Emilia's not even a supervillain, so she's never killed anyone. Selina just told you it's not her bag, and as for me…well, I only really enjoy killing people for Mr. J. These guys ain't done anything to Mr. J, as far as I know, anyway."
"No, they've done something to me," snapped Ivy. "They've played with my heart and then thrown it away. They've used me and abused me, as all men do. And now they have to pay."
"These can't be all your exes," commented Selina, looking around. "I can't believe you haven't dated more men than this. Where's Harvey? And Lex Luthor?"
"They weren't worth my time to kidnap," snapped Ivy.
"By not worth your time to kidnap, you mean they had a heckuva lotta security surrounding them, right?" asked Harley.
"I might mean that," conceded Ivy.
"You know, I think I've dated some of these guys too," said Selina, studying them carefully. "That one definitely looks familiar," she said, pointing. "What's his name?"
"I don't remember the names of worthless meatsacks," snapped Ivy.
"So why did you date them in the first place if you hate them so much?" asked Harley.
"I hate them now, after the way they treated me," retorted Ivy. "I know you can't understand this concept, Harley, but when a guy treats you like crap, you're allowed to stop loving them and start actively hating them, and in my case, kill them. You should try it sometime."
"Would you think it terribly rude if I declined to participate in the entertainment?" asked Emilia. "I don't mean to be impolite, but I'm honestly not comfortable with murdering people."
"Yeah, you should totally cancel this and let me just call a male stripper," agreed Selina. "I mean, it might be cliché, but at least it would be real entertainment, not your weird, psychotic revenge fantasy."
"I don't really feel comfortable killing anyone without my hammer," said Harley, nodding. "That's my weapon of choice, and you don't have that, so…"
"Look, are you people gonna help me celebrate my birthday or not?" demanded Ivy. "It's my party, and they'll die if I want them to! Right after cake!" she said, sitting down in front of a cake and slicing it. "It's coconut, made entirely from coconuts which had dropped to the ground already, so it's not murder in any way. Who wants some?"
Harley sighed, and glanced at her phone again. Every instinct in her was itching to make up a story that the Joker had texted her about an emergency at home as a way to escape from this increasingly awkward and disturbing situation. But she knew if she, Selina, and Emilia were going to change Ivy's mind about this, they had to stick together, and she felt bad about abandoning them with Ivy, who was clearly even more unstable than usual. So she forced a smile and raised her hand. "I'll have a slice, Red."
Besides, thought Harley, taking her slice of cake, knowing her luck, if she excused herself with the whole emergency at home lie, there would be an actual emergency at home when she got there. Better not risk it.