Disclaimer: I do not own Twilight or it characters they belong to Stephanie Meyer

Thanks to all of you who have commented on the chapters thus far. If it wasn't for my editor the lunchbox lover Mandee these chapters would never get done.

CHAPTER 4: COMING TO TERMS

BPOV

It had been a month since I kicked James' cheating ass out. The depression that had set in just would not subside. I was able to go through the everyday motions of taking care of the kids but it would wear me out. My work had fallen behind because I was not up to editing. I had also been avoiding friends and family like the plague. I still hadn't told Rose what had happened. Every time she would call I'd just tell her I was busy doing something and I'd call her later. I think I was afraid to tell her, not because of the shame I felt, but because I was sure it would be about as bad as when I kicked Jake out.

She was right about him too. The LOOOSER!!!

Jake was extremely tall at six-three, huge, dark, and handsome. You could get lost in his coal black eyes. He had a couple of tattoos, a naked lady on the right and an evil skeleton on the left, which made his extremely large biceps more prominent. What really got me was his Harley when he would rev the motor my panties got soggy. The worst was the size of his cock…well there are no words for that.

Yes there are eeny weenie teeny weenie shriveled little short short man haha.

Ok it was extremely fucking small! When it was soft it would almost disappear and hard it was only four and a half inches. He actually measured it once and was proud he got another quarter inch when he pushed his stomach back farther.

And don't forget he sucked in bed.

When I realized how small his dick was I should have left. I guess I was infatuated with him. I was the good girl and was always attracted to the bad boy. I should have known Jake was bad news when him and Sam Uley got along. Sam and Rose had been going out for a few months. He was about ten years older than her and had a eleven year old daughter he was raising on his own because her mother had ran off. One night after a long night of drinking at a party Rose ended up pregnant. Rose tried to get rid of Sam but he just wouldn't leave her alone. They ended up moving in together probably so he would shut up and she couldn't get him to go away anyway. When Sam eventually chose alcohol over Rose and baby Emily she kicked his ass out.

It was exactly the same situation I found myself in with Jake. He liked his drugs and alcohol way too much. When I found out I was pregnant I told him if he didn't quit I'd leave. If I wasn't at home being extremely huge carrying his baby I might have noticed he was still doing that stuff behind my back. He'd "work late" all while I was pregnant which now I know was to get high and sober up before he would crawl into the apartment. He kept it hid from me until after Jake Jr. was born. After about a year he started "working late" again. Then one night Jake got extremely drunk while he was doing his drugs and ended up fucking HER. Leah wasn't above calling me the next day and telling me what they did. I kicked his ass out when J.J. was 18 months old. Rose stood by me through my entire grieving process. It sort of helped when, to get even, I told her how small of a dick Jake was packing. It's been an inside joke ever since.

Jake and his hidden penis.

Little dick fucker only has seen JJ four times since that day. Him and Leah live happily in there twisted world on the reservation in Le Push. I still don't know why she is with him he has never changed.

She must like small dicks.

I had to call Rose and tell her about James. Even though she disapproved of James from the beginning, and I knew a huge "I told you so" might be coming, she was never mean or cruel like Renee. Rose would make you feel better after bad news always. I was a little scared though she would see right through my bullshit lies about being fine when I was far from it.

Ya think suicide attempts aren't fine gee imagine that?

Lately I found myself sitting on the railroad tracks waiting for the train. I know it seems idiotic but slitting my wrists seemed worse and I could fail. I would end up pulling away seconds before the train would hit my car. Each time I would brace myself for what was coming, the thought of my kids being stuck with Satan would stop me. The last time was too close I barely made it off the tracks before the train got to me. One more second and I would have been completely dead. My heart was pounding out of my chest and I sobbed uncontrollably. I knew I needed help but was too afraid I would loose my kids. As I sat on the other side of the train tracks, I contemplated calling Rose. She was the only one who could get me through this. She would know how to pull my ass out and make me live again. She had done it once before but how could I ask her to do it again? I pulled out my phone and dialed.

The tears started coming before the second ring ever finished.

"Hey" I said through the sobs when she picked up.

"What did James do now?" she asked me with content in her voice.

"Everything" I said breaking down more.

"Like"

"Like I kicked his ass out a month ago for cheating on me" I sniffled.

"That stupid mother fucker! Why didn't you call me?"

"I didn't want to hear I told you so." I said through a sob

"I am NOT SATAN I would never say that and you know it! How do you know he cheated?" She giggled

I sighed before I started into the story. "The last time when he came home I felt something was wrong. He didn't even touch me." I sniffled.

"OH!" she half yelled.

"And his phone had been on vibrate all day. When the baby woke up for her five-thirty feeding I stole his phone." I took a second to blow my nose.

"And?" she asked.

"And, there was a number. No name just a number. You know he has that forgetful thing and would put a name with it."

"so how do you know did he tell you it was a chick?"

"No." I giggled. " I sent a text pretending to be him."

"No you didn't?" she giggled.

"Yes I did." I giggled right back. "and the bitch Sherrie the Love goddess answered."

"The love goddess?" she asked to herself more than me.

"And I got really pissed Rose I was fucking fuming." My voice got angrier as I went on. "So I called the skank."

"No you didn't" Rose said through her hysterical laughing.

"Yes I did and the bitch actually laughed at me. Told me if it was my business he would have told me. Then she fucking hung up on me. It's fucking lucky I couldn't get through the phone or I would have knocked her out!!!!" I growled.

By this time Rose could barely talk. "So what… you just told him you knew and kicked him out?"

"No, Actually I flew through the fucking house, jumped up on my bed where the cheating bastard was sleeping and started pounding on his sorry ass." By this time we where both laughing so hard I could barely tell her the rest.

"He came up off the bed like he saw a ghost and then." I paused for a breath. "Then…I started throwing his shit out the window and telling him to get the fuck out. He never did say a word I think he was too scared." I had to stop because I was laughing so hard that I couldn't even breathe.

"Oh my god Bells I can't believe you did that. Holy shit that is funny."

"I know it is" I was still laughing hysterically.

"I'm so fucking proud" Rose sniffled in the phone pretending to cry. "welcome to the dark side." Being a smart ass she sniffled again. "So what are you going to do now? Have you told Satan?" she asked concerned.

"Oh yes Satan gave me all her support like always when I told her." I huffed.

"yeah I bet she did."

"As far as James well I filed for divorce already." Rose said something but I wasn't paying any attention because a horrible though had popped into my mind. I didn't know how long he had been cheating nor if Sherrie was the only one. What if he had given me something OH FUUUUCK I'd need to get an STD test.

You're just thinking of that now? HELLLO I had that thought when it happened. Oh shut up already!!!!

I interrupted Rose. "Oh fuck I've got to go I'll call you later. Thanks for listening." And I hung up the phone. I wouldn't be able to go to our local clinic here in Port Angeles, besides Rose working there everyone knew me., I'd want to go somewhere that didn't use names. I thought about it for a second and remembered someone saying the free clinics didn't ask questions. The closest free clinic was thirty miles away in Sequim. No one would know me there and I could pay in cash. No one would ever know unless…unless the test came back positive. If it did then I would figure out what to do.

Easy kill him and not care.

JJ didn't get out of school until three and it was only nine in the morning. I still had hours before I needed to pick up the baby from daycare and my work wasn't getting done anyway. I changed out of my sweats into jeans and a t-shirt and since there was no hope for my hair I pulled it into a ponytail. After grabbing my wallet and an apple I jumped into the car. On my way out of Port Angeles I stopped at the ATM and pulled a hundred out of my account. I was hoping the test wouldn't be any more than that.

The free clinic was a small building sandwiched between Sequim's police department and their post office. I remembered hearing how they had to rebuild it after a bomb went off at the clinic a few years back. Apparently a pro-life organization wasn't too pleased the clinic was doing abortions and wanted to make a point. I had my opinions about abortion, but I also believed it was the woman's right to choose and let God deal with her later. I knew they were talking about rebuilding the clinic and I would bet they chose to put it there for better protection.

I took a deep breath to calm my nerves before I got out of the car. The door to the clinic opened and a young girl maybe seventeen flew past me with tears in her eyes. I could only assume it was because she either was or was no longer pregnant. As I entered the waiting room I noticed how the whole place looked like a jail. Even the doors to the back area, which led to the exam rooms, needed a card key to get it open. I walked through the waiting room to the receptionist who sat behind a bulletproof glass window. It looked like a drive-up bank window and had the little metal door that opened at the bottom. The receptionist walked to the microphone and pushed a button. her voice came across a little speaker next to the metal opening/closing door below the glass.

"May I help you?" she asked

"UM..." I hesitated. "I need to get a test done." I whispered hoping the others in the waiting room didn't hear me.

Hello their here for the same shit dummy!

I heard the speaker pop "Yes maam please take a number and have a seat someone will be right with you." She said pointing to what looked like a ticket counting wheel from a meat deli or drivers license division. I grabbed a number almost tearing it completely in two before taking a seat. I had the hardest time sitting still as I waited. I watched really young smiley girls get motioned back and a few minutes later another would come out tears falling down her cheeks. It was really quite a sad sight to see so many young girls in over there heads. I must have set there thirty minutes before a nurse came through the door and motioned for me.

The back was not anywhere closely protected like the front. It was extremely casual and everyone seemed quite happy. There were two hallways full of rooms some with doors others with curtains. One of the curtains was partially open and I saw an operating table with stirrups. At the end was some sort of a contraption that looked like a vacuum. I felt the bile creep into my throat as I realized what the machine was used for. I followed the nurse to a door enclosed room and after we entered she motioned for me to take a seat on the exam table.

"Do you still have the number you got from out front." She asked me. I didn't say anything just handed it to her.

"Thank you…number 52132."

"Um yes I guess so if that is what it says." I had completely forgot to look at the number during my wait because I was so nervous.

"Well 52132 what can we do for you today?" she smiled as she asked me.

"I need um…a…well…a STD test. Please." I was so upset when I said it I had to look away before the tears started falling.

"Ok then change into a gown and I'll be back in five minutes." She motioned to a cupboard behind me that had gowns stacked in it. I thanked her as she was closing the door. I quickly changed and set back up on the table. The nurse came back in with a doctor who looked completely spent. After the nurse explained to the doctor what I was here for I was instructed to lay back. I shut my eyes and tried not to cry.

I shook the entire time the doctor did the test. After it was over the nurse told me to get dressed and then come outside. I dressed quickly and opened the door to the exam room a different nurse walked me to the receptionist where I paid forty-five dollars. The receptionist told me I would have the results in two hours and I could either wait inside or come back and then buzzed me out. That was the longest two-hour wait of my life. I don't think I had any fingernails left by the time the nurse called me to come back into the room.

Luckily the tests came back negative, but the doctor told me that some of the STD's might take longer to show. Since it had only been a month I needed to get rechecked in six months. I thanked them again and headed to my car. As soon as I sit down I buried my head in my hands and sobbed. I had six more months before I'd know for sure if I had some horrible disease the bastard had given me. When I was able to breath without a sob escaping I decided to call Rose. I had to let her know what was going on.

I picked up my phone and dialed her number. It went straight to voicemail SHIT. I didn't want to leave her a message I needed to talk to her. I realized it was only twelve-thirty so she was at work. Rose worked as a nurse in gynecology at the local Port Angeles clinic. She had been hired on to work for Doctor Cullen but would bounce around from doctor to doctor. I had heard about Doctor C a lot throughout her four years there. He was only twenty-eight when he started his practice. He had went to some big ivy league school but chose to move back here to be by family. I knew Dr. C. had wanted to follow in his late fathers footsteps and take over his practice. There was a huge newspaper article on the how and why when he moved here. However, Rosalie said on more than one occasion, Dr. C. didn't do it to follow in his fathers footsteps, but to look at "HOOHOOS.

Just try to get her to say the word vagina.

If you didn't know any better, She could have you believing he was a huge ass pervert, who groped the patients and used them for his spank bank pleasure. She was such a shit.

"Primary Care Center this is Lisa how may I help you."

"May I speak with Rose in gynecology please."

"Hold please." Lisa put me on hold before I could thank her. I was only on hold for like five seconds before Rose answered.

"This is Rose."

"Hey it's me."

"Sup beotch" she joked.

"Well if you're working for DR. C. then his dick." We both laughed.

"Soooo. What's up?" she asked again.

"Oh not much just had an STD test taken at the CNP center in Sequim."

"What why"

"Because I thought what if he was cheating before or something."

"So when will you find out the results?"

"Already have them. Thank god it was negative. But the doctor told me I have to have it again in six months why?" I sighed.

"Um yeah that's because there are some things that won't show right away like HIV and Herpes. They sometimes take longer to get into your cells and won't show right the first time." She explained

"Oh." I said as they paged Rose to the exam room. "Ok it sounds like your busy text or call later. Bye."

"o.k. Bye." She said as I heard the page go off again

The next six months seemed to get easier. I started working more on my editing projects and raking in the money. I had made the choice to not let James take any more time away from my kids or me. I would only break down every now and again when songs played on the radio would reminded me of him. I also had the hardest time when JJ asked where his daddy was and it would kill me to have to lie. I knew I couldn't tell him what happened until he got older. I had already decided Aspen would never know about her father. I would tell her I had gone to a sperm bank or something like that.

Rose was checking up on me every so often to make sure I was ok. Even though she was a great help to me I started seeing a counselor. I was able to talk about things and get a professionals help dealing with them. Together we came to the conclusion I would be abstinent in a relationship for a few months. If the guy wanted to be with me he would stick around and if it was just for a good time then I wouldn't get back into the situation of being with an asshole. My counselor also told me to start working past my anger and start having fun by celebrating New Years.

Rose had been bugging me for a month about the New Years party she wanted me to come to. She really wanted me to finally meet her boyfriend Emmett. They had been dating for almost a year and I never met the guy. I was always too busy or would cancel our plans at the last minute. From what she had told me I could see why she would go out with the guy. Rose hated scrawny men and Emmett was no such thing. By her descriptions of him Emmett was big, no actually huge. He stood six-four and owned his own construction company so he was ripped. I will never forget that lunch when I got to hear about their first sexual experience.

"OMG! The things that boy does with his mouth are CA RAY ZEE!!!! I have seen big before but fuck fuckety fuck fuck!!!!"

Yeah that was enough for me to hear before I started blushing.

You and me both hunny.

I knew I needed to go to the New Years party not only to see if all the stuff about Emmett was true, but I needed to start having fun again. I had turned into an old maid. I rarely left the house unless I needed groceries or run a quick errand. I had even let my appearance go.

Like it was much before haha

I was always wearing sweats and slippers, only wore makeup when it was absolutely necessary, and pulled my hair into a ponytail.

All you need now are cats.

I didn't think I could pull off sexy to go to the party after all I had been through. I also knew two weeks before the party I would have to get my second STD test. I wasn't really thinking I would be in the partying mood so I kept putting her off.

Rose had decided instead of me driving all the way to Sequim, I was coming to the clinic this time. Since she would handle my charts no one would ever know. If anyone asked she'd just tell them I was there for my annual pap. Of course she had ulterior motives. She made me a bet I couldn't refuse. She knew it would be the only way to get me to that damn party. If the results where positive I wouldn't have to go to the party and she would be in the room for my support. However, if they were negative, which she kept saying they would be, then I'd have to go to the damn party. I had to spend all night and have fun or she'd kick my ass.

Her attempt at trying to make me feel better with the challenge worked for a total of about five minutes. The New Year was approaching fast. The clock was ticking and in one week I had my appointment with Doctor C. I would finally know if I had some horrible death sentence.

No doctor Edward yet but he's coming I promise. I have one more chapter first.

No I have never been to a womens clinic i was only going by what i have been told.