A/N – This chapter will help you understand Santana's confusing feelings in the last chapter. Thanks again for the reviews and for reading.

Chapter 4

Santana sat on the couch in her apartment drinking a glass of white wine while music played in the background. It was what she labeled her 'Thinking Playlist'. She was so lost in her own head that she jumped when she felt the couch dip beside her. She turned to see Armando sitting there staring at her.

"Why are you looking at me like that?"

"I'm just wondering when you are going to tell me what's going on with you. I mean you've been acting funny ever since you got back from LA and then last night when I got to the dance studio you were leaning against the building in the middle of a panic attack. You don't have panic attacks very often so I know something upset you last night at the dance studio. I think you might feel better if you told me what's going on instead of keeping it all inside." Armando really was concerned about his sister and wanted to be able to help her. She helped him when she took him in when his construction company went under financially and he was at his lowest.

Santana knew Armando was right she just wasn't sure if she could explain him what has happened in her life since sitting beside Brittany and Cole on the flight from LA but she knew she had to try to. "Well, you know Brittany from the studio last night. I met her and her son on the flight back from LA when we sat by each other."

"I knew it I could tell by the way you two acted around each other last night that you knew each other." Armando saw how the two looked or rather didn't look at each other at the dance studio. They both stole glances of the other when they thought she wasn't looking.

Santana interrupted Armando, "Please just listen because I'm not sure how to explain what happened on the plane and what happens whenever I see Brittany and her son Cole." Santana went onto explain to Armando about what happened on the plane with Cole calling her Mommy and then again when she ran into Brittany and Cole at the airport when she was returning from a flight and Brittany was waiting for her parents. She told him Gracie had died in the bank robbery. Santana also told him about her running into Brittany at the bakery and about their talk.

Armando sat there without saying a word for several seconds after Santana finished telling him about Brittany and Cole. "Wow just wow. So you really look enough like this Gracie woman so this little boy thinks you are his mother? The poor little guy. I think you are doing the right thing by walking away if you run into them again. It's got to be as confusing as hell for him and for Brittany too. I can see why you've been off since you came back from LA. It's a confusing experience for you too. No wonder you had a panic attack from being around Brittany last night at the studio." Armando pulled Santana into a big brotherly bear hug. Santana hugged him back because she really needed the comfort of a hug.

"There's more and this is the confusing part." Santana said when they ended the hug.

"You mean to tell me there's something even more confusing than what you've already told me?" Armando wasn't ready for there to be more to the story.

Santana took gulped down the rest of the wine from her glass. "Whenever I'm around Brittany I have these feelings that I can't even identify. Like last night when I was with Brittany in her office at the dance studio I saw a picture of her, Cole, and Gracie and I felt such a strange emotion that I had the panic attack. When I looked at their family picture at first I saw them but the more I looked at it I saw myself in the picture instead of Gracie. I wanted to explain it away by thinking it's because Gracie and I look so much alike but I know in my heart that isn't the reason. It's almost like I got jealous seeing their family picture. Then today at the bakery I told her I had wanted to give her hug since we met so she hugged me and it felt like we had hugged a thousand times before. I know you're probably thinking that I'm starting to have feelings for Brittany but it's something else. It's just so frustrating and confusing."

"Santana, I know you aren't going to like me bringing this up but I think this about Jay and the decision you made after his death." Armando waited to see Santana's reaction to hearing Jay's name. She reacted by pouring herself another glass of wine and drinking half it of it but she didn't tell Armando she didn't want to talk about Jay like she usually would do when his name was brought up.

Armando decided it was ok for him to continue talking about Jay. "It's been three years since he was killed during that shootout. I know you think about him and his family every day, and it's only natural because you two were partners on the police force for two years. You two became best friends and you also became friends with his wife, Morgan. You are their daughter Angelica's Godmother. I know how much his death affected you and your life. I also know as much as you hurt from his losing him that what affected you even more was seeing how his death devastated his wife. Angelica was only six months when Jay was killed so she never really got a chance to know her father and I know that eats you up inside. I remember the day two years ago when we were all at Mom and Dad's house for a barbeque and you told us you had made a major life decision. None of us could have ever imagined what you about to tell us that day. You told us that you decided as long as you were in law enforcement you would never get married or have a family because you didn't want to put them through what Jay's family went through."

Santana drank the rest of the wine in her glass after Armando spoke his last sentence. He could see the tears fill Santana's eyes and run down her face silently so he rubbed her back to comfort her.

Armando continued, "Brittany and Cole lost Gracie just like Morgan and Angelica lost Jay. I think meeting Brittany and Cole has made you relive how losing Jay affected his loved ones lives but I also think it's making you, whether you realize it or not, rethink your decision not to have get married and have kids. I maybe wrong but when it comes to reading you I'm usually right. It's not too late for you to change your mind about marriage and a family. You're only 31 years old. Oh and one last thing, I do believe you are starting to have feelings for Brittany."

Santana sat their absorbing everything Armando had said to her. He always seemed to know instinctively what was going on inside Santana's head and this time was no exception. She had been thinking a lot more about Jay and his family since she met Brittany and Cole. After Jay was killed Morgan stayed in NYC a couple of months before deciding the best thing for her and Angelica was to move back to Texas where she and Jay were originally from. They had gotten married right after they graduated from high school and moved to NYC because Jay had gotten accepted by NYU. College wasn't for Morgan so she worked different types of jobs for years until she settled into a good job at a cell phone store where she was assistant manager when Jay was killed. Santana missed Morgan and Angelica who was now three years old. She sent birthday and Christmas presents to Angelica, and once every couple of months she would Skye with them but Santana sometimes like she had let Jay down by not being a better Godmother to Angelica.

Santana wanted to pour herself another glass of wine but she knew one more glass would make her too tipsy to continue her talk with Armando. "I miss Jay so much and miss being friends with Morgan too. I mean we're still friends but we're not as close as were when Jay was alive. I should have been the one who got killed that day. I didn't have a wife and a six month old daughter waiting for me at home like Jay."

Armando got angry, "Don't ever say you should have been the one who got killed that day. Your life was and still is just as important as Jay's life. Having a wife and children doesn't make a person's life more important than a person's life who doesn't have those things. How do you think Mom and Dad would feel if you had been the one killed? They would have lost their only daughter. Joaquin would have lost his baby sister and I would have lost my big sister. Joaquin's twins would have lost their aunt. Do I need to go on?

Santana shook her head no because deep down she knew Armando was right but during her weak moments she still felt it should have been her. Santana decided to get back on the subject of Brittany and Cole. "Hearing Cole call me mommy triggered something inside me I've never felt before. I thought after the flight from LA I would never see Brittany and Cole again so the feeling would pass but then I ran into them again. When Cole ran to me and grabbed my leg calling me mommy again the feelings were there again only stronger. I never realized how a child calling you mommy could make you feel. After Jay was killed I knew I couldn't allow myself to fall in love, get married, and have kids. It wouldn't be right to build a relationship and have a family when there was always going to be the possibility I could get killed every time I walked out the door to go to work. I know there's no guarantee any of us will come home once we the safety of our home. Gracie probably didn't even think they she wouldn't be coming home to Brittany and Cole that day. And I have a feeling if we could ask her now if she would have known she was going to die would she still have fallen in love with Brittany and had Cole that her answer would be yes."

Armando was trying to read between the lines of what Santana was saying. "Are you saying you've changed your mind about falling in love and having a family?"

Santana nodded her head yes, "I think I have. It's not that I haven't wanted to fall in love and have a family. I just thought it wouldn't be fair to bring innocent people into my life when I couldn't promise them I'd walk through the door at the end of the day. None of us can really make that promise to our loved ones. For some reason meeting Brittany and Cole has made me realize I can't live my life worrying about what might happen because if I do that I'm not really living."

Armando pulled Santana into another brotherly hug, "Mom is going to be so happy!"

"Please do me a favor and don't tell them about all of this. I want to tell them in my own time."

"You know me Sis, I never tell them anything that isn't my place to tell them." Armando kissed Santana's cheek, "I know I said early that you were right when you said you would turn the other way if you ever ran into Brittany and Cole again but now I think that's the wrong thing to do. I can tell you care a lot about Brittany and Cole. I know she just lost her fiancée and won't be starting a new relationship very soon but I bet she could use a friend. I think you could use one too. I know there's the difficult part about you looking like Gracie but I bet once she got to know you she would start to see you for the individual you are and not as that woman who looks like Gracie."

Santana thought about what Armando said, "That maybe true but Cole is too young to understand that I look like his mother but I'm not his mother. I promised I would walk in the other directions if I see them and I'm going to keep my word."

XXXXXXXXXX

The next morning Santana had run several laps around the park and when her legs felt like jelly she decided she needed to rest so she stopped to catch her breath. As she took her ear buds out of her ears she thought she heard someone calling her name. When she turned in the direction where she heard her name being called from she saw Brittany's parents sitting on a park bench waving at her. She gave them a timid wave back as she frantically looked around to see if Brittany and Cole were with them. It took her a few minutes but she found them over by the swings. Santana watched them for several seconds. Brittany had a smile on her face as she pushed Cole in the swing but more importantly Cole was giggling. It brought a smile to Santana's lips because it was first time she had heard and seen him giggle. She looked back at Brittany's parents who were still looking at her smiling. She then looked back towards Brittany and Cole again. It was then Brittany looked in her direction and their eyes met. The smile on Brittany's face faded as she continued to push Cole on the swing. Santana knew what she had to do so she took off running out of the park and didn't stop until she got to her apartment.

TBC