Chapter 4

A Subpoena is the Least of Our Worries

Coincidentally, it was Marth and Popo who found Mark first.

Knowing that they would need more manpower to find Mark—despite an order of assassins and Pikachu's might-or-might-not-exist army, not to mention the top eight—Pit had gone back to Marth's frat party to ask him for his help. Marth had agreed on several reasons. One of the first was that Mark was Marth's friend, and friends helped each other. The second was that he needed to know whether or not Mark was lying about having a girlfriend.

Marth and Popo stormed into the basement, sword and hammer ready, looking for Mark. They heard noise down the stairs and ran to see if Mark was all right. When they got there, though, the situation was all under control.

Mark had been cut free from the chair and was rubbing his wrists, restoring feeling to his limbs. Nearby, Captain Falcon was laying on the ground, knocked out and in the fetal position. Evidence of a massacre was everywhere.

"Mark you okay boy?" Marth asked, completely ignoring Falcon and stopping his friend. Popo joined his teacher, using his powers to apply ice to a bruise on Mark's forehead; the tactician was grateful. "Snap, you look beat up as I ever seen."

"A likely possibility," Mark agreed. "Falcon ambushed me and I was unable to defend myself. I nearly lost my manhood if not for excellent timing."

Both Marth and Popo cringed at the thought of being neutered, remembering what had happened to Falcon and what had nearly happened to Mark. "Snap; you lucky we got here. How'd you stop him?" Marth asked.

"Wait, I thought Mark couldn't fight," Popo commented.

"Correct; I didn't stop Falcon. He was attacked and defeated in turn before he could mutilate me; my girlfriend was too strong for him," Mark explained calmly, as though stating math problems.

Marth's jaw dropped and Popo's eyes widened. Marth's mind ran through list of facts. First, Mark had been trapped in a situation that he couldn't escape himself. Second, his captor had been utterly defeated. Third, Mark had claimed it was his girlfriend. Fourth, no one else was there... "She was here and I missed her? #$%#$%^#%$)*
%^*&$%*" Marth howled. "That means she is real!"

"Obviously," Mark confirmed.

The incredibly loud and long swearing brought the Top Eight—minus Link, who was still engaged with Adam—down to the basement. Like Marth and Popo, they ignored Captain Falcon's motionless body and looked to Mark's injuries. While none of them had the same reaction as Marth, news that Mark's girlfriend was not imaginary was substantial.

"What did she-a do to-a Falcon?" Mario finally asked, glancing at him. He would have to be dragged back into therapy sometime.

"She struck him with enough raw power that it slowly and excrutiatingly castrated him," Mark explained. Every man in the room, including Mark, groaned and protected themselves. Kirby, who didn't have such things to worry about, walked over and poked Captain Falcon awake. It took a bit of poking, but eventually the crazed racer was awake. He rolled over, looked at Kirby with the most pathetic expression, and mumbled, "...falcon..." Kirby screamed and turned into a rock to protect himself. After suffering cruelly at ROB's ignorance, somebody had castrated Falcon again. Except this time it had been down with malicious intent.

As the only female present to maintain order, Samus fired her cannon at the ceiling for everyone's attention. "All right, everyone. Let's get back up to the meeting room so Mark can properly tell us what was so important," she instructed. Samus glanced over at Captain Falcon, who had begun crying softly. Even though she had been ruthlessly Up+B by him once, Samus didn't think he deserved to be castrated twice. "We'll get ROB to drag him up somewhere and keep him there."

Right on cue, Kirby burped and ROB came out. The robot gasped for breath despite having any lungs, it's parts starting to melt inside Kirby's mysterious digestive track. Samus sighed; what else had to be going wrong right now? At least they had gotten Mark back without too much injury. If he had been put out of action, there would be nobody to talk sense into the craziness.

The top seven that were there headed back up the stairs towards the conference room; hopefully Link and Adam would be done with their manly issues and Link would be able to join them. If not, as much as Samus loved them, she was going to have to beat them with a crowbar.

Marth and Popo stayed behind with Mark to help him out. They pulled him to his feet, and then a revelation came to Marth. "Snap!" he shouted. "Mark, your girlfriend saved you."

"Correct," Mark agreed.

"And then we showed."

"Correct."

"She still here then? Where she at? I want to holler and ask her how she put a boot in Falcon's head so hard there was an earthquake," Marth asked. He and Popo looked around wildly for any sign of Mark's girlfriend, seeing nothing but the shadows.

But the tactician wasn't to relent that easily; he had nearly been neutered for her. After something like that, questions were going to deter him. "I'm not telling you her name," Mark insisted. "She requested I keep it secret, and I will."

"That's enough, Mark," a girl's voice called. The three turned to see a figure approach out of the shadows. Mark smiled and moved forward to meet her, limping because of his injuries. "You nearly died because of that. I'm not going to let it happen again."

Mark's girlfriend put a hand on his shoulder and turned to face Marth and Popo. Both of them were slack-jawed. Finally, Marth recovered. He seized Mark by the shirt and lifted him into the air, shaking the tactician fiercely. "You son of a b#$! You be dating outside our company!" Marth shouted at him. Although Popo would never tell Marth, he thought that was hot; after all, Popo was bisexual. (Revealed in The Red Ring of Death. I'm so going to heck for that).

Marth's shaking of Mark continued until Mark's girlfriend slugged Marth and dropped him. She grabbed on Mark's shoulder to stop him from tumbling over as well; Mark reminisced about when tacticians weren't physically intensive jobs. "He's already beat up, you idiot," his girlfriend shot at Marth. "Leave him be."

Popo also thought that was really hot.

ADG

Samus decided to check on Link and Adam before she joined the meeting room. It wasn't hard to find them. Thanks to Link's second seat status and Adam's access to explosive weapons, they had destroyed an entire section of the mansion. This time, even though Link had taken blows, he had hands-down beaten Adam Malkovich; the Hero had even pulled out his old friend the Megaton Hammer at one point for the job.

Both of them were sitting on a stack of burnt wood, not saying anything and staring at the ground. Finally, Adam shifted, ignoring the pain that emerged when he did. "Not bad," he muttered. "I suppose it's late in coming, but I give you my permission to keep dating Samus."

"Thanks," Link grunted.

"But I'm keeping my eye on you," Adam warned. "You hurt her, and well... you have to sleep sometime." Link felt a small tinge of fear, hoping their definitions of hurt were the same. If they were, then Adam had nothing to worry about. But if Adam's perceptions were skewed, Crap.

Samus found them sitting there shortly afterward. "Got it out of your systems?" she asked. Both men nodded. "Come on Link; we've got a meeting to attend. And Adam, I'm glad to see you again."

Adam gave Samus a small gestured as Link stood up. "You got work to do; get going," he noted. Samus nodded and gave him a thumbs down before taking off with Link. Adam sat there a while longer, and then looked around at the destruction they'd caused. Then he took off, looking for Solid Snake. He needed a cigarette.

Meanwhile, Link and Samus were back on track for the meeting when they were sidetracked again. This time it was by a very panicked looking Zelda. Samus watched as Link predictably went into Hero mode, drawing his blade and ready to murder Ganondorf in seven ways. As if by magic—and it probably was—Toon Link was there a second later, equally prepared. Samus sighed and shook her head. Some things about Link never changed.

While the green capped heroes inspected the perimeter, Samus joined Zelda. "Hi Zelda," Samus greeted. "What's wrong?"

"Samus," Zelda began, biting her lower lip. "I have a problem. A really, really big problem. I'm..."

"What?" Samus asked.

Zelda glanced around and then moved towards Samus to whisper it. "I'm pregnant," she confessed.

Crap.

Link's elven ears picked up the comment, and it was evident in his stance. The Master Sword fell out of his hand, clattering on the ground. Thankfully, Toon Link had been too busy to hear what Zelda had said. He didn't miss the shocked expression on Link's face and Samus's stunned posture. So he ran over to be the hero.

"What's wrong guys?" he asked. "Can I help?"

Link opened his mouth to assure his brother/self/complicated relation that everything was fine, but Samus beat him to the punch. "Yeah. Could you bake Zelda a cake?" she asked.

Toon Link shrugged; didn't they remember the last time he tried to bake something a cake? Nevertheless, he would succeed this time! "I can do it!" he cheered, and ran out of the room. Five minutes later he, Ness, and Lucas were playing fighter jet.

"You're pregnant?" Samus repeated once Toon Link was gone. Link picked up the Master Sword and joined them, still stunned.

"I don't know how it happened!" Zelda cried. "I mean, Isaac and I never did anything like that. The only way we could have was three weeks ago when... oh no. When someone spiked our punch at that Christmas party." She looked horrified and scared at the same time. Samus swore an oath under her breath to get the guy responsible.

ADG

Somewhere in the mansion, Ganondorf felt as though he'd acquired a death wish. Had someone figured out he had given Pikachu the idea to become world dictator? He'd meant it as a joke at the time...

ADG

"So Isaac doesn't know?" Link asked. Zelda shook her head. Link took a breath to clear his head and think clearly. "Well, I guess you should tell him first. That's be the smart thing to do, right?"

Zelda nodded mutely, the Triforce of Wisdom aiding her in her decisions. It was times like these Link wished he could impart some of the Triforce of Courage's power, but all he could do was stand strong for others.

"Don't worry," Samus assured. "We'll keep the secret. You need anything, you know how to find us."

"Thanks," Zelda said, tears in her eyes. She tried to shake them free. "Go on; I'll talk with you later."

Link and Samus left for the meeting room once more, wondering if they'd actually make it. In Link's mind, he couldn't see how it could be about anything worse than everything that was happening in the mansion at that point. He was going to have to start lifting a lot more on his shoulders to help make sure everyone got through it in one piece. He glanced over at Samus, who returned the look. He couldn't see her face through her helmet, but he felt reassured nonetheless. At least he still had Samus by his side.

They arrived at the conference, where Mark was waiting to give them the news he'd received before being attacked by Falcon. He started with a quick run-down of the mansion's status; it was as terrible as ever. Then he moved onto the important news about the subpoena. The entire mansion—fighters and assist trophies, including employees—were to be in Washington in two days for a special hearing. Mark predicted it would have to do with their existence. Compared with what they had dealt with before, this wasn't that bad.

"So we-a have to get the entire mansion to a hearing in-a two days?" Mario asked. "Does anyone else have a bad-a feeling about this?"

Everyone raised their hand. Kirby was about to begin a speech on why couch cushions had a spicier taste than philosophy when he was interrupted by Fox. The pilot didn't want to have to deal with any more insanity than he usually did. "We'll just rent a couple buses," he offered.

"What about getting to the real world?" Pit asked. He was fiddling with his pistol as though he'd had it all his life. "The only way I know of is painful and annoying."

"There's a shock," Samus muttered to Link. He shrugged his agreement, but there was nothing they could really do about it. The author refused to do it because Snake clogged his toilet.

The real shock came three minutes later. Marth and Popo were gathering everyone they could, and this included the top either. "My fellow smashers! I have a proclamation for you all!" Marth declared.

"Just say it already," Lyn ordered.

"Woman! I will say it when I'm ready! Don't rush me or I will use your blood as dye," Marth threatened. Lyn rolled her eyes; she was used to Marth's threats by now. As long as she didn't steal his shampoo, he wouldn't actually carry them out.

Marth cleared his throat before continuing. "I know who Mark's girlfriend be," he announced.

Several people were impressed; others were skeptical. Still more wondered why they needed to know; Kirby only wanted to know if she might taste good. Ike, who had been sitting on the couch with Lyn, adjusted where his sword was laying and called out to the enigmatic prince. "Just tell us already," Ike grunted.

"Why don't I introduce her?" Mark asked. The room swiveled to where Mark had appeared. Next to him was a pink haired girl that a majority of the smashers recognized. "Everyone, this is my girlfriend, Lightning Farron."

…

None of the smashers really were certain what to say. Should they remark on that Mark hadn't been lying, or the improbability that they had been dating? Lightning broke the silence first. "What are you all staring at?" she asked.

In the back of the room, Wolf struggled to keep silent. But the renegade pilot couldn't help himself, and ultimately he gave in. "So Mark," Wolf called. Attention turned to him. "Have you ridden the lightning yet?" Eyes turned again as Lightning glared and marched towards Wolf with sword in hands. Even still, Wolf couldn't help but feel that comment would be worth it.

He hadn't heard about Falcon yet.