You guys are seriously the best. I want to put you all in pies! Not really! Because that means you're inferior. But, perhaps, you are.
Ok, last chapter got some pretty awesome reviews. This will most likely be a horrible chapter, like it is for the rest of the parody world. So, please forgive me.
Oh, and as Joel McHale said on The Soup: "David Cook, you are the American Idol for today, and for the future." I love you, David Cook! And Joel, too!
Warning!: This chapter contains references from School is for Losers by Neil Ciceriga (sorry, spelling error!), Frankenstein, Phantom of the Opera, Annie Get Your Gun, WWE, Pokemon, American Idol, Pirates of the Caribbean, Dr. Seuss, the Wizard of Oz and Annie. Yes, it can be done.
Chapter 4: The Market
We open on a lonely, blank canvas. Tim Burton comes walking along.
"Hello, audience. I can see that you are thoroughly confused. Yes, I can see you. Well, I bet by now you're wondering how I knew that David Cook would win American Idol. I bet you're wondering how I knew where the map to the Cup of Youth was. Well, I'll tell you-"
Suddenly, a giant trout, much like the one we have seen before, comes and pulls a screen down, crushing Tim under its weight. The Phantom comes beside the fish.
"And that's how I was gonna kill that Prima Donna that took all of Christine's roles. She moved, though."
"Oh well," the fish answered, "At least you helped me knock out Tim before he gave the secret away."
"Yeah, that's something."
The trout pulled down another screen and the scene changes to St. Dustan's Market.
Mrs. Lovett is walking with Sweeney when she suddenly sees von Frankenstein
"God, that bloody Transylvanian is back again. We thought that he would just leave us after we chased him out of town with our pitchforks, but nooooooo, he had to come back. Gawd, he just can leave us alone, right? Oh look! More prostitutes!"
Of course, Sweeney was too caught up in his own thoughts to notice anything about his surroundings. Luckily, the Beadle made an appearance and snapped Sweeney back into his sad, Heathcliff-like brooding life.
"I am the Beadle, laws are for losers, I'm totally awesome…"
Sweeney tightened his grip on his razor, and was about to pounce like a rabid cheetah, when Mrs. Lovett's Sweeney senses kicked in. She started humming Taylor Hicks' "Do I Make You Proud" and, sure enough, the big trout came back and hit Sweeney on the head.
"What did I say about country songs?! This is my last warning, buddy!" the trout said. He disappeared into thin air, mumbling something about American Idol embarrassment.
"Well, that was random." said Sweeney.
"Yeah, that was pretty random." said a mysterious voice.
Sweeney looked around to see Elizabeth Swan, pretty mangled and half of her hair was totally wet. "Do you happen to know where Will Turner is?" she asked.
"Ummm, that guy that Jack Sparrow has been looking for?"
"Jack's here! Oh no! Not again! WILL! I'M COMING!" she shouted, and ran off in no particular direction.
All of a sudden, horns start blasting from absolutely nowhere. Toby, dressed up in clothes you would expect the Lollipop Guild to wear, walks out on the stage.
Ladies and Gentlemen:
May I have your attention perlease?-
"NO!" pretty much everyone in the market shouted.
"Fine then, I'll skip the song. I'm here to promote the Cat in the Hat."
"Who?" the market shouted once more.
Suddenly, a man with really bad cat face paint and a tall hat popped out of the back of the caravan.
"IIIIIIIIIIIIII am the cat in the hat! Here to prove that even though the sun is not sunny, we can still have a lot of fun, which is funny!" he said.
"Oh God," said Sweeney. "An optimist."
He went straight up to the catman and said "I am Sweeney Todd of Fleet Street! I am horrified that you can even see a light in this deep black hole. Therefore, I challenge you to a Pokemon duel!"
Sweeney reaches into his breast pocket and pulls out a shiny red and white sphere. "Your move, Cat"
"Umm, my name is Pirelli, actually. Thanks for noticing the gigantic sign above my caravan. Unfortunately, I have set all my Pokemon free so that they will not be confined to that horrible prison."
"Fine. Then I challenge you to a barbering duel!"
"Fine! I am a part-time barber when I'm not doing this kitty stuff. Anything you can do I can do better."
"I can do anything better than you."
"No, you can't"
"Yes, I can"
"No, you can't"
"Yes, I can"
"No, you can't"
"Yes, I-"
"Shut up! Gawd! Annie, where's your friggin gun?" shouted Mrs. Lovett
"Right here!" a little red-headed girl shouted. "Now it's payback time, Hannigan!" she shrieked and ran off into the distance.
"Will the Beadle be the judge?" said Sweeney, instantly forgetting everything that happened.
"Oh, what the hell Why not? It's not like I have anything better to do than walking around feeling all high and uppity. The fastest, smoothest shave wins! LET'S GET READY TO RUMBLE!"
A pitiful whistle comes from the Beadle's direction.
Close-ups of Sweeney's and Pirelli's flash on the screen. It's time for the battle to begin.
Suddenly, the screen fills with typing:
WE INTERRUPT THIS EPIC BATTLE FOR THIS IMPORTANT MESSAGE! HUNDREDS OF POKEMON SAID TO BE RELEASED BY A CAT-MAN HAVE ATTACKED LONDON! PLEASE EVACUATE THE AREA IMMEDIATELY!
All of the market goers run in every direction. While Pirelli acts as a good citizen and tries to help the people calm down, Sweeney shaves his man.
"The winner is Todd!" shouts the Beadle.
Everyone stops to clap for a few moments before returning to panic.
Yeah, I knew having a friend in the Enquirer would be helpful, thought Sweeney.
Mrs. Lovett dragged him off, but before she could make her escape, Sweeney dragged her to the Beadle.
"Wow. That is some mad skills you have there, Todd," stated the Beadle, "Mind if I bring over my totally delicious boss over to your shop."
"P'shah. That's aight." Answered Todd.
"Oh mi Dios. ¡Vamos ya!" said Mrs. Lovett
And they walked off.
Tim is now sitting upright. He has a blanket around him and some hot coco.
"Well, I don't know how the Trout found me, but at least I'm alright. So, I guess I'll tell you the secret some other time. See ya later! And enjoy the rest of Sweeney Todd.
The white expanse fades.
Well, I know it was bad. But, next chapter goes back to our fav love birds, Johanna and Anthony. Still looking for awesome Sweeney pics, with captions! Help a poor girl, eh? Love ya! R and R!