A/N not mine, I own nothing but the plot.

I have a lot of things going on tomorrow and wanted to make sure this was posted.

What the Heart Wants

She couldn't get back to sleep after he left. She got up and made a pot of coffee, calling into work she left message that she would be out today. She needed to start looking for a new job out of state, and making arrangements so she could make the move. She decided that she needed to take a moment and grab the little wooden box that held her secret.

She went to her closet and began to panic when she couldn't find it. It was the only thing that mattered. It dawned on her where it was when she was packing up the box for Ranger. She dropped to the closet floor, in the middle of the mess that was there. She never even heard her door open.

A familiar and strong pair of arms pulled her into a lap. They rocked her back and forth as the tears made their way onto his shirt.

"I'm sorry..that...that...I am not good enough for anyone...I...I'm sorry...that I...can't do anything right." She sobbed out.

"Babe..."

"Please, if you ever cared for me, don't call me that."

"Steph, I know about the baby."

She stiffened up in his arms and pushed him away.

"I didn't do it on purpose. I would have left before I even began to show. I figured I would have part of you, even if you never loved me. Then I must have done something wrong again, because as soon as you told me about Holly, I lost the only person who would have loved me just because I was me. I've never had that before. Now, I never will."

"Stephanie, you can still have children."

"No, because to do that I have to love someone. I give up on that. No one wants to be with me. I need a sign tattooed on my forehead that says stay away. Then things wouldn't hurt so much. I'm looking for a new place and job out of New Jersey, I'm doing it as fast as I can. Please, just give me a few weeks. I promise that I'll stay away from you and the your men until I leave. Just forget that you ever knew me. I'm not worth it."

"Stephanie, you don't have to leave. Everything and everyone you love is here."

"No, all I have are bittersweet memories. No one wants to have anything to do with me, unless it's to hurt me. I can't stay and watch the man I love get married and start a family with someone else. Two things he always said he would never do. I would have given my life up for you. In a way I am, all so you can be happy. Please, just leave the box. It's the only thing I have left."

"Steph, you don't have to go. Holly and I will leave. We've discussed moving to Miami to be closer to Julie."

"Wouldn't matter, you would still have to visit this office. It's best for everyone if I just go. You don't understand how much being here hurts. Everywhere I go, all I have is memories that rip apart my heart. Everywhere I go, someone tells me how much of a fuck up I am. There's always someone willing to tell me how I screw up everyone's life until they find something better. Go, Ranger. I have been grieving for my past and my child for awhile now. I will always grieve them. I didn't want you to think that I did any of it on purpose, and I didn't want you to feel the need to grieve."

"Why can't I grieve, don't I have the right to morn the loss of my child too? Damn it, Stephanie! You never should have kept it from me. You never fucking think about anyone else and what they want. You're a damn selfish person!"

"Don't you see, I don't want you to hurt. I never did. I know first hand how it feels to hurt all the time. You don't deserve that. I was sparing you any pain. You wouldn't have been emotionally attached anyway. Remember, you don't do emotions. Sadly, it seems you do. It was just me that you didn't do them with. Please, just live the life I dreamed of having. I was stupid to believe every lie you ever told me. Hell, even Mary Lou was using me for her own gain. She just wanted to spread more lies and rumors about me. I heard her talking to my so called mother one day. I'm nothing but a joke and a whore according to her.

"You found your someday, grab it and hold it close. You never know when the rug may get pulled right out from under you."

"Are you threatening me? Is that what you want? Seriously, you want me to be as miserable as you?"

"No, I'm not threatening you. I would never do that." She closed her eyes before she continued, "Why don't you understand that I only want you to be happy. I didn't want to hurt you, ever. No one should ever feel the pain that I've felt in my life."

He finally let out a breath. It was almost as though ever last bit of fight went out of him.

"I understand your need to leave. Will you at least let us know where you go?"

"No. If I'm leaving, it's going to be a clean break. No attachments to anyone or anything."

He nodded and kissed her curls, "I'll miss you."

"You won't even know that I'm gone. You're building a life with Holly. I hope it's everything you've always dreamed of."

He stood up and began to leave. Placing the little wooden box on her bed. He took one last look at the broken woman sitting on the floor.

When he put his hand on the door he could have sworn that he heard her say, "I will always love you."

He went to his home that he shared with Holly. He looked in their bedroom and saw that she was still sleeping peacefully. He watched her and realized that the sense of peace that he felt when watching Steph wasn't there when he watched Holly. Steph was leaving and there was a giant hole in his soul just from the knowledge. When she leaves there will be nothing left. He wouldn't stop her. This was what she wanted, what she needed.

They all had a hand in breaking her. She was the strongest person he had ever met. The guilt weighed heavy on his shoulders. He had never wanted to see her this way.

He went downstairs to his study and locked himself in. He looked at the time and saw that it was almost eight in the morning. He hung his head, wondering how he let it get this far. He had loved her from the first moment he saw her. He had a hard time reconciling how much pain he had caused her with his heart. He always knew that he would hurt her in some way. He always assumed that it would be an old enemy that went after her; not his own stupidity.

He soon heard Holly moving about, she knocked softly on his office door.

"Carlos, baby, are you alright?"

"I'll be out in a minute. I'm just finishing up something that's classified."

"Are we still going to your parents for lunch today?"

"Yes, but I want to talk about a few things first."

"Are we good?"

"We're good," he replied with a sad chuckle.

He hung his head and let the tears he had been holding in trail down his face. It wasn't often that he allowed his emotions to come to the surface, especially the ones of sorrow and pain. He mourned the loss of his child and the best relationship he had ever had. He didn't think he would ever be able to repair the damage he had done to the purest heart he had ever known. He knew that he had to let her go. He had brought enough pain into her life. He loves Holly and this is what he wanted.

He was hurting, but knowing that they all had a part in breaking the one person who made him human again was nearly devastating. His biggest fear had always been that his past would hurt her in someway, but in the end; he was the one who hurt her the most.

The pain he witnessed from her made him want to pull her in and tell her that he would fix everything. That they could try again. The rage he felt when she confessed that she was not going to tell him about the baby nearly overwhelmed him. He did the only thing he knew and lashed out to hurt her. It had been hard to reel himself back in to keep from tearing her down even more.

The knowledge that she still had kept it to herself after the miscarriage to protect him emotionally was the only thing that stop him from using force that would have physically tore her down as well. He called her selfish instead. That was a low blow to her. He knew better than anyone that she was the epitome of unselfish giving. She always thinks of others mental and emotional well-being before her own.

He found himself wondering what their child would have looked like. He felt in his gut that it would have been a boy that had her eye, curls, and instincts. He would have been a sturdy little guy with a heart of gold.

He knew that he needed to put all of it in a neat little box and seal it tight. It took awhile, but soon he was able to take a step forward. He had to mentally prepare himself for the well deserved beating of a lifetime from Tank this Saturday. He also needed to be ready for the major loss of employees in the Trenton office when word finally got around. He was worried that his ignorance would cost him every employee in that building as well.