CHAPTER FOUR: sympathy
Alex sat across the table from Marissa, who was picking at her salad. The McDonald's they were in was almost completely deserted, but neither one cared. A couple loud teenagers sat a few tables away, but that was it. Alex could see Marissa pulling away from her again. She sighed into the silence, tired of their games already and she had only been there for a day. Tension was spread thin between them, but neither one was up for a fight.
Marissa kept her eyes on her salad, trying not to look at Alex. She should just tell the older girl to go, so that they wouldn't repeat what they always did. Marissa was terrified of what would happen if Alex stayed and broke her heart again. She couldn't deal with that fresh pain, not with Ryan . . gone. She glanced up quickly for a glimpse of the older girl, but looked away at the coldness in Alex's eyes. She shouldn't have called her.
Alex had come back, rescued Marissa once again and now she was getting pushed away again. Apparently, if Marissa let anyone in, she had to shove them out. Alex knew some of that reaction had to be her fault and it hurt her even more. Alex sat back in her seat and took a bite of her hamburger, though she wasn't hungry. She had known what was going to happen the moment she had walked into McDonald's. The moment she had arrived in Newport. The same look in Marissa's eyes, the same way she held herself. Alex knew it way to well and yet she was still scared of what was going to happen. Of losing Marissa again.
Marissa bit her lip and pushed her salad away. The tension was unbearable. She hadn't come here to do this yet again, but here it was happening. God, you couldn't even understand how incredibly tiring it was.
"I want you to stay." Marissa said, surprising herself and Alex. Alex looked at her suspiciously and didn't say anything.
"No you don't." Alex said. "But I'm staying anyway. For Ryan." Alex was dying again. It wasn't an unfamiliar feeling, wasn't new, but it hurt just as bad. Only this time she wasn't going to run away just because Marissa didn't want her. Just because Marissa said she didn't love her.
Marissa watched Alex look away again and felt tears prick her eyes. Her leg brushed Alex's under the table and shivers went up her body, goosebumps everywhere. The spot where they had touched was sensitive, feeling more alive than the rest of her. Just a simple second of a touch and she was gone. She knew Alex felt the same way, but Alex had always been allowed to show it and had grown better at hiding it. At least Marissa hoped that's what it was. Tears threatened to fall again. She was emotionally stretched to the limit.
Alex's leg still prickled where Marissa's had brushed it. She watched tears fill Marissa's eyes and in that instant she saw the other girl's feelings. Alex tried to hide what she herself was feeling. If she could read Marissa so well, than Marissa must be able to read her. They couldn't be together. That was it. The end. Alex couldn't help Marissa again. She could barely help herself.
Marissa finally forced herself to look into Alex's eyes. She was, as always, momentarily entranced. She focused on the words forming in her mind.
"I guess you know what I'm going to say." Marissa said slowly.
"The same thing you say everytime we're together?" Alex asked. Marissa looked out the window. She always forgot why she and Alex didn't work and was always forced back into sharp truth. But it had been Ryan. He wasn't holding her back anymore, but he wasn't holding her up anymore either. She hated him for leaving her by herself, leaving her be so terrified of this pain.
Alex stood up. "I don't want to go through this again." She said and Marissa stood as well. "You don't love me. You don't want to see me. It won't work." She turned to leave. "I'll see you at the funeral."
Marissa went toward the opposite door of Alex. She was already pushing her feelings away. She couldn't help but turn, not able to help glancing back.
Alex paused at the door and turned to Marissa. The younger girl was paused in front of the opposite door. Alex pushed through her's.