Story Title: A Tale of Snowdrops
Disclaimer: If I had owned Jin and Touya, they would've been featured more in YYH. Clearly, I don't own them.
Author's Notes: Much gratitude to scarf, EricaAuksi, DestinyAnimeLover18, MeganAntionette, middlekertz, chitose, Coin Operated Pencil, and bookbook2012 for reviewing the previous chapter.
Due to the final chapter reaching 20,000 words (essentially being as long as two chapters), I have halved the final chapter into two parts. I hope that is all right. I thought it would be better if readers didn't have such a massive chapter to read, plus it gives an early update. Bit of a warning that this half contains a lemon. I also hope I managed to make that worth the long wait.
So, yes, here is part one. Part two coming soon. As always, thanks for reading.
-o-
Day Four: In Which Goodbyes Are Said and Partings Must Be Made, Part 1
-o-
Touya winced yet again as he delicately smeared a balm into the cleaned gash on his left side. He ordered himself to stop showing his ache, reminded himself that every movement elicited pain or irritation from the gash anyway and that the others would know of his weakness if he allowed himself to show it. And the last thing Touya wanted was Hyou jabbing him repeatedly in search of his greatest wound.
The wound balm he was using was hardly the most potent but it was the best he could get his hands on while the medicine man was away. Rarely Touya had ever visited the medicine man for anything as he had always tended to his own injuries, aside from when he was a toddler and their oldest maid had mended him and subsequently taught him everything he knew.
The only time he had unequivocally needed the medicine man's help had been the time Hyou had burnt his feet. Touya remembered the stench of the burn creams well, along with the pain he felt without them. He also recalled being confused at the medicine man's recommendation he stay off his feet since he had never not worked before. His uncle had settled that confusion rather quickly—he had made him work on his hands and knees until he could walk again.
Wherever the medicine man kept the best salves and potions, it sure was not in his examination room. Touya had thoroughly searched his stores throughout the room and had only found the basic medicines every family kept and only a few that were a grade above that. Having heard voices approaching, Touya had pocketed the strongest balm and left.
It was neither the medicine he wanted nor the manner in which he wanted to receive it but since the medicine man had declared his gash was superficial at best and didn't require any treatment, stealing a jar had been his only option.
Touya grabbed the roll of bandages and unwound a length from the bone. He folded the strip, applied a bit more medicine onto the cloth, and laid it against the gash as padding and then wrapped his waist. After he was done, the pain was less striking but nonetheless present with every little movement and adjustment of his side. It would have to do, he supposed as he bound his obi securely and proceeded onward to his morning chores.
A thought crossed his mind as he stepped out a young maid's way in the hall. He wondered how Jin would have reacted to his wound. Rapidly, the thought became less so much an act of speculation than reciting obviousness. Jin would have been angry. He would have wanted to protect him. He would have gone after his uncle. He would have held him and kissed him and then left him to hunt his uncle down with all the blustery blizzard winds at his back because he loved him.
It became quite clear to Touya that Jin could never find out about his gash. He did not want Jin to fight his uncle. Jin was strong but could he match his uncle? Touya could not be certain. And besides, his uncle rarely actually fought anyone. He taught combat skills well but he was personally disinclined to them. No, he much preferred to torture.
Touya could not bring himself to speculate on Jin facing his uncle any further. He knew what agony his uncle was capable of inflicting, what his favorite techniques, body parts, and pressure points were. Jin would not have the same cruel mercy his uncle showed him. No, his uncle had no reason to keep Jin alive in the end, just as he had no reason to restrict himself in any way. There was so much more his uncle could do to Jin and he would gladly indulge himself because it would hurt Touya as well. No, wait, no, it wouldn't hurt him.
It would break him.
Before he entered his uncle's reflection room, Touya paused just outside and tried his best to restore his composure and mask and end the sudden tremble racking his body. That and settle his nerves before he lost what little he was allowed for breakfast.
He could no longer bear the thought of Jin suffering for him, for love at his uncle's whim. He could not let a battle between them come to pass. How ever he needed to prevent it, Touya could never allow Jin to face his uncle.
-o-
For once, Jin was not really all that hungry at breakfast. Sure, he stuffed eggs, deer meat, and whatever else within reach into his mouth but mostly just to not cause concern from his tribe and less so for any actual ravenous appetite. Really, he just wanted to get breakfast over and done with so he could go see Touya. Jin couldn't describe it better than that he had a feeling and he didn't like it and he wanted to see Touya real soon.
So when he saw that the rest of his tribe was busy stuffing their faces or chatting one another's pointy ears off, he rose from his seat and stepped out to no apparent immediate notice.
He thought he had made out completely unseen but as he reached the street corner, the meetinghouse door slid open and he heard Miyo calling for him. Not surprisingly, once he thought about it. If there was anyone who would have seen someone leave early and not eat enough, it would be Miyo.
"All right, tell me what's wrong an' don't give me no malarkey, boy," she said, her voice and gait equally firm as she marched toward him. "'Cause I know there's no ev'ryday reason ya be leavin' breakfast without lickin' ev'rybody's plate clean, Jin. Practically hafta paddle ya out a' the kitchen meself, I do. So what be it?"
"Not sure. Honest, ma'am, I am." Even if Jin had tried to lie, Miyo would have seen through him. Not that Jin was much of a liar in the first place. He had tried sometimes but his grin usually gave him away. "All I can say is that I hafta see Toy. Last night…well, didn't feel right. Woke up an' felt the same. Gonna go see him, I am ." Jin punctuated his words with a strong nod.
"All right, boy," she said, her whole demeanor softened with a smile. "Bring him over quick. Got him a plate aside an' it'll sure taste bettah warm than cold, it would. Dearie needs his breakfast too."
With another quick nod, Jin raised a hand in farewell and rushed off into the air. The temperature was a lot more comfortable to Jin than it ever had been, especially from the first day. Today was the first day that a second layer was a fellow's choice and not a need. And the wind had certainly become friendlier to his tribe and had lost most of the nasty bitterness it had been carrying. Only place the air remained harsh was on the Winter Tribe's side.
As he drew near the border between their tribes, Jin landed and hid himself in the alleyways and between-ways as he listened and peeked about for Touya. He still wasn't sure which house might have been Touya's and he couldn't make a decent search without someone from Touya's tribe finding him. The streets were for once busy with pale men and women and children carrying chests, baskets, and various possessions and supplies out from their homes to carts placed elsewhere to his guess.
Always be havin' ta do things the hard way, Jin thought as he wondered why they didn't place their carts nearer so they didn't need to do so much carrying and lifting. It seemed pretty logical to Jin. Then again, the easy way probably wasn't allowed if someone had happened to mention it.
Jin didn't know everything about Touya's tribe but he knew enough that pretty much no one was allowed to do anything and much of their ways made no sense to him. That and that he would have made a very bad Winter boy. Only good part of the thought was knowing that if he had been born in the Winter Tribe, Touya would have always had him as a friend.
Yet again Jin thought he had seen Touya and yet again it only wound up being another boy (and once a girl) who shared a slight resemblance and Jin was so eager to find him that he saw him in everyone. Didn't help that the Winter Tribe did all seem to look alike from behind, not like his tribe probably all looked the same to Touya from behind.
Despite all the awfulness behind the dye, Jin was a bit thankful that he could notice Touya for his bangs. When he did see him, that is. As it was, the stink of the dye was still in the air, both helping him in his search and keeping him angry at the people of the Winter Tribe that were not Touya or their little ones.
He was quiet and careful with his steps and he didn't call for Touya and so far kept himself out of view of anyone. He guessed he was also lucky that the Winter Tribe were so busy that they didn't happen to notice him from the side darting in the back streets. Luck often seemed to be Jin's blessing.
And whether it was luck or having the rest of his tribe pass by him, Jin finally caught sight of an aqua green splash among the many blues, whites, and dead-vine browns. As he started to call him, he swiftly remembered he was in hiding and covered his mouth before the Winter men moving past could also hear him.
Following him in wait of a safe chance to speak, Jin scurried in between houses and alleys and watched him at every opening. Jin wished he could talk to him now or at least let him know he was there, just so Touya would smile. Even if it would be ever so slightly.
As it was, Touya walked with his head to the ground, his eyes hooded, and shoulders stooped. Jin wasn't sure if it was just the angle making the natural shine of his eyes more prominent or if there were tears in his eyes. Either way Jin wanted to kiss him. And if there were tears in his eyes, he wanted to kiss him until they fell in laughter.
Amidst the cutting air, Touya walked in silence. Never once did he raise his head to greet a fellow tribe member and not one spoke to him—a stark contrast to his tribe's ways where sometimes it was hard to get somewhere for everybody wanting to say hello and jabber.
No, all of Touya's tribe ignored him. And if anyone walked slightly too close, Touya sidestepped around them with a slight bow in apology for invading their space, even if it wasn't his gesture to make. Even though Jin had come to a guess already, seeing him among his tribe only confirmed his thoughts—Touya was used to being at fault. For everything. And no one ever seemed to let him be anything but. It was second nature to him to be constantly wrong.
Sure for the moment that no one was coming and passersby were far enough from earshot, Jin called Touya. At the third strong whisper, he finally found him and, sure enough, he was surprised to see him. Grinning from ear to ear, Jin waved his hands in a beckoning manner, certain that if Touya rushed to him they could be all the way back to his tribe's side long before anyone noticed he had vanished. Jin just barely managed to keep himself from bouncing in place as he waited for Touya to come with him.
But Touya just stood and stared wide-eyed back at him. He wasn't moving toward him. He wasn't even happy to see him. If anything, Jin being there alarmed him.
Jin's grand grin quickly fell. Come with me, he mouthed.
Touya gave a tense, swift headshake no. And then Jin saw him take a short step back and, before Jin could respond, Touya ran into the house, closing the shoji with a sharp, sudden clack.
Jin couldn't understand why. He stood with his eyes wide and mouth open in shock. His failed plans confused and crushed him. He hadn't thought Touya would have not wanted to come. Jin knew he was afraid of his tribe seeing him with him but he didn't have to be afraid. There was no one in the village he would dare let hurt Touya.
Even for all his reservations, Touya was acting strange. He had never ran from him before. He had always spoken to him, even if it was just to scold him on showing up to get him. This new fear…Jin didn't like it. It wasn't right. It wasn't Touya.
When he was sure Touya wasn't going to come back out, Jin headed back home. For a moment, he considered flying off from the alleyway but that might have brought too much alarm to the Winter Tribe so he hurried back to his side of the village before taking off. He was going to need a good, long flight anyway to sort some things and to keep himself from listening to the little voice that kept telling him to go do things he wanted to do but knew Touya wouldn't have wanted him to. Like find that uncle of his.
Because last night didn't feel right and today, Touya was different. And the more Jin thought about it and was convinced something had happened last night to Touya, the more Jin wanted to plow through the Winter streets and shake the neck of every adult that let him get hurt. Much as he had been called stupid in anger or jest before, Jin wasn't stupid. He could see when one thing led to another. He may not have had proof but he had a feeling and never before had Jin's feelings let him down.
Jin stalled the gusts carrying him aloft and turned around to face the village, now little more than rooftops in the distance. He floated mid-air with the forest at his feet and behind him the white mist that no wind could part rolled in between the trees.
He tried not to think about it much the last couple of days but just this once he reminded himself that Touya would be leaving soon. He tried to give himself some hope that maybe next year they would meet again but he knew it wouldn't happen. The chance meet of their tribes had been a miracle and miracles did not repeat themselves. This was their first and last.
Wish it be our first an' forever, Jin stared down into the forest, into a small clearing of snowdrops. Don't know why Toy won't stay. He's not happy there. 'Course, he's probably never known happy before.
And Jin wanted to make Touya happy. Would have given him anything in the world to make it so, even if that one thing was to let him go with his tribe but he knew that would never be true since no one seemed happy in the Winter Tribe. But for some reason, Touya didn't want to leave them. Much that it pained him to realize, Jin knew that even if his plans had gone through that Touya would have still said no to staying with him.
Y'know, probably he'd hate me for a while 'til he saw it was for his own good, he would, but before the day's end, I could snatch him an' keep him 'til the part in the mist closed…
No, kidnapping him wouldn't help them. Touya wouldn't understand he was doing it to save him. For a while, he would resent him and Jin didn't want Touya angry at him. That and it would be against Touya's will to take him and Jin didn't want that either. Touya had enough people telling him what to do and making him do things he didn't want to and Jin sure didn't want to be another. If Touya was going to stay, he would stay.
Jin looked up into the big blue, partially for the comfort and hope it brought him.
Toy's not stupid. His wind's just twisted an' makin' him think funny an' tellin' him wrong things but he'll see, I know he will. He knows how bad his tribe be, how wrong they be an' he'll see how happy he'll be living with me an' all us an' he'll want ta stay. He will, I know it.
…I hope he will.
-o-
The last of the day's gray light casting his murky shadow against his blanket, Touya sat in his partitioned corner of the servants' quarters. Laying on his back to give the gash on his side as little irritation as possible, Touya sat and thought.
The other servants—and Touya realized his error in lumping himself with the servants, as he was much lower than them—were occupied, as was the rest of his tribe, in packing and preparing for their departure into the mists tomorrow. Touya was alone, with nothing but his faint breaths and the occasional sound of his body disturbing the blanket beneath him.
By the judgment of his tribe, he was being idle, but his uncle's servants had made it clear, less so much with words but with glares, that they would do everything and, when he had tried to work elsewhere, others had taken his load from him. So it seemed to him that the will of the tribe was that they did not want his help. So, wondering if he would be punished for not working, Touya had went to his corner to think and wait.
Tomorrow, as soon as the bedding was packed, they would leave. The truth and finality of tomorrow lingered in his mind as open and constant as the reek of the dye marked his steps. They would leave and that would be the end of their time in the village. It would be the end of seeing Jin.
Touya wanted to feel anger and frustration at Jin. He wanted to call him an idiot and point out the many times he had warned Jin about his tribe, about how he couldn't be seen with him, how he couldn't be seen with him, and yet he repeatedly dared to show himself.
Especially today, the day of all days someone could have caught him and yet by grateful blessing did not. And not just the one instance but the several instances he had appeared and tried to talk to him. Touya wanted to summon the anger to tell him how stupid, impatient, reckless, blind to the consequences of his actions he was…
Touya could not summon the anger. He could not even bring himself to feel the slightest bit irritated at Jin for what he did. Yes, he was hasty but he meant well. For reasons he didn't see or understand, he loved Touya. Only reason he kept showing up was to spend time with him. Time they had so little left together.
Laying in the waning light, his eyes half-closed, Touya realized how tired he was. Not just physically but tired of many things. His mind was exhausted from the near-constant pull between his uncle's teachings, his fear, Jin's love and his tribe's value of living. He imagined his bed as a sheet of thin ice, cracking and sinking his body into the freezing depths, drawing the arguing influences into an everlasting final silence at last.
But cutting through the cold water came waves of warmth. They wrapped about him and stalled his descent into the blackest deep. Touya heard Jin say, "This no bed for ya, sleepyhead. Much too cold."
Touya awoke slowly, fighting through the mental haze to the realization he was not drowning underwater but was in fact still alive in his bed. He heard the whistling snores from one of the servants and then became aware that the last of the gray daylight was gone and it was night. He had apparently gone from a wistful imagination into a dream.
A dream…he thought again as he sat up in the dark. He gently rubbed his arms to stave off the rare chill bothering him.
He knew he should be trying to go back to sleep, that if he just slipped beneath his blanket that the cold would eventually disappear and he could get some rest before he had to get up, put his clothes chest and bedding on the cart, and work where he could before his tribe set off. But Touya could not make himself go back to bed.
He remained sitting up, listening to the servants' snores punctuating the silence. He was the only one awake and, despite the many people sleeping a mere two feet away, he felt alone. Nothing more than the same, he supposed. He always felt alone, no matter the crowds around him. Except when he was with Jin.
Jin…
He realized he could not let their sparse meetings and him running away each time be their last memories. It knew it was the right and proper course to see him one last time, if only to say goodbye. Because if he did not, Jin would try to meet him as his tribe moved on into the mists. And if there was any moment, his tribe would catch him with Jin, it would be then.
A swift crawl over to the clothes chest, Touya carefully removed the battered lid and set it on the floor with little sound. Then with the slightest rustling that easily could have been interpreted as him turning in his sleep, he changed from one kimono into the other. He stood for a moment, perfectly still, to allow any potential ears time to grow discouraged and fall back asleep and also to embolden himself into carrying out his plan. He knew there was a possibility his uncle was watching him, that he might be putting Jin in his uncle's harm's way.
But he had to say goodbye, a proper goodbye so Jin would stop trying to see him and to keep him safe. So Touya slipped out. The evening was cool but nowhere near the freezing temperatures he knew. There was no snow to crunch through in the street. Touya passed through the between ways a pale shadow and wondered if someone had noticed or was watching him leave. Touya tried not to think about it and hoped he was alone and that this was not a mistake.
Even though his uncle's voice was telling him how stupid, disgraceful, selfish, and costly to his life this was, Touya crossed the self-imposed border between their tribes.
If this is a selfish act, I do believe it would be my first. First and last.
-o-
In his room, Jin waited but not at all in a patient manner. He paced and when he grew tired of that, he sat and rocked until he fell over where he flailed about as he waited for the night to grow dark and deep so he could go see Touya and try to talk to him one last time.
Jin huffed impatiently and kicked the air in frustration. He wished it would get late already. He wished he could see Touya and wished Touya wouldn't run away from him like the last seven, give or take, times he had tried meeting with him today.
Sure, Touya didn't want his tribe seeing them together, he understood that, but he could have tried to make plans to meet where it was safe but instead he had ran away like a frightened fawn. Something had happened and whatever had happened to him last night had made him afraid to even talk with him.
It was several moments and many bats from his fluttering blanket for Jin to realize his anger had channeled itself into a wind. It was another near minute before he could dispel the wind entirely.
He had talked with the Winter kids earlier in the afternoon as they played with the Spring children in secret. The kids had thought it was strange too that Touya would not come play with them but they understood he had lots of work to do. The kids said they wanted to play more with their new big brother but knew they wouldn't get to often because the adults made sure Touya was always busy.
Jin had also asked about the river of energy last night and at first the kids said nothing, merely looked terrified at one another, before a boy managed to squeak out that it was the Ice Master.
A snarl on his face, Jin laid on his bed and struggled to rein in his energy from bursting into another breeze. He didn't like the situation before and he certainly didn't like it now that he knew the energy was Touya's uncle's.
If the bastard hurt him—
The wind howled and rattled the shoji frames.
Jin had to be careful. He had to calm down. Because if he didn't, his wind would rip apart his room, the roof, and who knows how much of the house and their neighbors' and blow the splintered wreckage clear into the mists. He was angry, yes, but he could not let his feelings take total control of his wind. That was first lesson stuff, first and fundamental.
Not the time ta let your wind howl an' anger burn. Not here, not now. Wait for it, he told himself. Touya's more important than fanning flames. Gotta see him before anythin' else. Nothing matters more than Toy.
The howl became a dull hum.
Nothing matters more than Toy.
Jin laid still, very much angry but he refused to let his rage channel through his wind. There would be a time and a place to let the two merge but now wasn't it. For now, he set aside his anger. For now, Touya was the focus of his world. When ready, able, and with a quick kick of his legs, Jin sprung onto his feet. Maybe it was late enough and maybe it wasn't, either way it was time for him to go find Touya.
With a rapid change of clothes, Jin was ready and eager to hurry out. Though as he slid open the shoji screen, he was much surprised to see Touya already there, equally surprised and with his hand paused in mid-knock.
Without a second thought, Jin hugged him. "Ah, Toy, ya have no idea how happy I am ta see ya."
He was real, right? Jin wasn't just having a dream or smacked his head real good again, did he? Didn't seem so. Didn't feel so. Jin swept his hand up his back, neck, and through his hair and it all felt real and true. It was Touya, making quick wary looks around him. Nothing could fake those eyes.
Jin was sure he had invited him in. He was also sure Touya had not walked inside but that Jin had carried him. In his joy, his memory went a little fuzzy. Here he was with Touya in his arms kneeling down to his futon—huh, he guessed he had carried him after all.
"Come over here then. Use ol' Jin like a pillow, 'kay?" he said, as he drew Touya close. "Ah so here we go." Jin pulled his blanket around and over Touya. "Now nobody but me knows where ya are. All hidden now. Comfy too, yeah?"
"…Yea," Touya murmured.
Jin was at a loss for words of how to describe how wonderful this was. He was just so happy to have Touya near, to be able to hold him, feel the rhythm of his breaths and the weight of his body against him. And then seeing those eyes he loved…
If anything, this was perfect.
Touya was quiet and more than usual. He lay, cheek against his chest, and bore a heavy stare into the folds of the blanket and Jin's robes. He seemed so overwhelmed in thought Jin wondered if he would notice if he brushed a finger along the line of his jaw. Jin decided to do just that and see.
Midway, Touya became aware, gave a subtle jump in surprise, and then, eyes cheerless and sorrowed, peered up at Jin.
"Hi, Toy," Jin said softly and smiled.
"Hello, Jin," Touya said listlessly as he raised a hand and gripped Jin's robe. "…When I leave—"
Jin blinked. "You're goin'?"
"Yes…" Touya said, eyes and voice full of doubt, "…Or I think so. My tribe is leaving. I have to leave."
Jin shook his head. "Nah, there's no hafta, Toy. Ya got the choice an' it's only yours ta make. No one else, not even I, much I honestly wish I could, Toy. Can't number the times I've thought about snatchin' ya away today, I have."
"They are my people, my tribe, all I have ever known…" Touya said. "My family."
"Family is family an' I understand that. There'll be no hard feelin's if ya go, but miss ya sorely, I will." And Jin didn't know if that ache would ever leave him. No, it wouldn't, he realized. Not even for a second. " …Aye, that be true," he added softly.
Jin wrapped his arms a little closer around Touya and kissed his forehead.
"But we can be your family, y'know. An' if no one else, ya got me, Toy. I'll take care a' ya, make sure you're happy an' never ever be mean ta ya. I promise. Things'll be good for ya, now an' forever if ya stay, make sure a' that meself, I will."
He could feel Touya trembling in his arms.
"I understand, Toy. Been so long in the dark, the light seems too bright," Jin whispered into his ear. "But ya don't hafta be 'fraid. Not a' the light. It'll show ya the way, open the big blue open ta ya, an' keep ya warm an' safe, even at night. I swear it will. Even at night."
"Just don't be 'fraid," Jin's voice caught and he quickly buried his face into the bend of Touya's neck and shoulder to hold back the tears misting his eyes. Jin wasn't certain if his body was shaking too or if he was caught in Touya's tremble.
All Jin knew was that he didn't want to lose him. He didn't want him to go. Nothing would get better for him if he went. Jin knew that. Touya knew that. Jin didn't see what was keeping him from staying. Fear, he guessed. Fear and the loss of everything he knew, his identity, what shreds of family he had left. Touya was used to being given so little he wanted to hold onto and fight for the tiny scraps he had.
But Jin could give him so much more.
Jin kissed his jaw and then his cheek. He slipped his fingers through the downy hairs on the nape of his neck and then thumbed the curve of his ear.
"What are you doing?" Touya asked, his voice quivering.
"Trust me," Jin said with a swift half-grin as he pressed his lips onto Touya's.
There was the softness, the tenderness of heart that was at Touya's soul, in his lips but also the hesitation that held him so often in fear. Jin was determined to draw him away from that fear, to show him things could be different, things could be good. Bit by bit, Jin eased Touya's lips from their pursed restraint with light nibbles and sucks. He slid his hands up and along his back in broad strokes, equally comforting for the both of them.
Jin felt the faint suggestion of his body underneath the thick, thick layers of kimono. Always been more occupied with his eyes or in just having fun together, Jin had never really thought about Touya naked. Well, once or twice but just as a fleeting-in-the-moment wonder. He loved Touya. He was curious about everything about him, including what he looked like undressed and whether his body was as striking and lovely as his eyes.
He had held him before, yes, but he had never touched him. He had never seen him, felt him, nuzzled him—there was so much left of him to kiss and adore. But this night was it, all they had left between them. Perhaps he couldn't show him a sunrise aloft but tonight he would show him love. Maybe it would be enough to stave off his fear.
He traced his tongue along his bottom lip and then tested Touya's reaction with a quick, small slip between his lips. At first, Touya drew away in confusion but, with whispered comforts, returned to kissing. One hand cradling his head as Jin angled in for a deeper kiss, the other dipped down his back and worked their way into Touya's knot. Tongues locked in a tentative tango, Jin shimmied his fingers about the tied sash and gradually loosened his obi. He left it there and did not remove it.
Jin pulled away and smiled at the pink on Touya's cheeks. "Ah, found somethin' sweeter than honey, I have," he said, laughing through his grin, as Touya smiled shyly and bowed his head to hide his blush.
Running a finger lightly along the fold of his kimono, Jin took hold of it and slowly pulled it away. Immediately, mouth open in a silent gasp, Touya grabbed his kimono and held it back across his body.
His initial surprise melted into understanding. Jin took his wrist and raised Touya's hand to his lips. Touya stared at him with a mutual mix of confusion and fear as he clutched tightly onto his kimono. If there was anything in this world Touya didn't have to be afraid of, it was him. Or, at least, that was what Jin hoped Touya was piecing together, as he rubbed small, reassuring circles on his hand. New kisses and touches seemed to throw Touya and oddly seemed to make him react like Jin was suddenly out of the big blue going to hurt him. Jin guessed he shouldn't take it personally—after all, Touya was far more used to people hurting him than hugging him.
Jin saw and felt Touya's grip loosen slowly. Circle by circle, the tension in his hand fell away. With care, Jin held Touya's wrist and pulled it to the side. This time, Touya did not resist. The kimono in his hand slid away in suit, exposing his pale skin. Against the dark blue kimono, his skin seemed all the more white, so much so his skin seemed to radiate a gentle glow.
"Beautiful…" Jin whispered as he slipped a hand beneath Touya's kimono and tossed aside the other side from his shoulders.
His skin was cool to the touch, cool and smooth, and felt so bracing against his warm cheek. He couldn't touch him enough. He wished he could toss his own kimono off and hug their bare bodies together but Touya wasn't quite ready for that. There were many things Jin wished to do, wished to feel with Touya but Jin's passions would have to wait to burn at their brightest.
Jin weaved a string of light kisses all around his neck. He nipped lightly at his throat, all the while gliding his hands up his sides, feeling Touya's slender body stretch and move as he arched his back at the sweeping caress.
"Beautiful," he whispered again, "Do ya know ya are?" Jin took his silence to mean no. "Ya are. Not a sunrise, sunset, field a' flowers, lad 'er lass, not a thin' 'er soul can compare ta ya, Toy. Don't ever need ta see the big blue evah again. Got it right here, I do. In your eyes."
Jin could tell from his silence that Touya didn't think he was beautiful. He could tell he was uncomfortable with him saying so and desperately wanted to say he wasn't but didn't, only because he knew Jin would only tell him he was beautiful over and over and that he would never see things his way. Because, whether Touya saw it or not, he was beautiful.
It was a shame he couldn't see how beautiful he really was. Eyes bluer than the sky, skin as soft and pale as new snow, blush pink nipples, a small, slim body—how could he not see he was beautiful? And if he couldn't see himself in the way Jin saw him, what did he see?
Whatever he sees, I don't want ta know, Jin thought as he briefly considered asking. Doesn't matter, 'cause it won't be good. I'll show him, though. Make him feel so good, he'll finally see himself how I see him. Only thin' I know ta do but worth a try, it be. Couldn't hurt. Won't hurt. Never hurt Toy, I wouldn't.
Jin smiled as he admired Touya, blushing and looking about uneasily in response to Jin's plentiful affections. He still seemed to be fighting with himself on whether he was supposed to be enjoying Jin's touches or whether or not to push him away and run. Jin didn't know if he was helping or hurting matters by touching him so much. He couldn't help himself though. His hands sought his skin, the sensation of his cool flesh on his warm palms. He couldn't go without it.
And then his fingers, sliding beneath the crumpled kimono dangling around his waist, ran across the obvious feel of bandages. Shock and concern bolted across his face as he quickly tossed off the rest of Touya's kimono before Touya could push his hands away.
The bandage was not thin, as Jin had hoped, but thick. The wrapping was not sparse but generous. There was padding on his left side. Reluctantly, though he had to know, Jin pressed onto the padding.
A spark of pain broke through Touya's tight mask.
He could now see the other small cuts, nicks, and scrapes, here, there, everywhere concealed by play of shadow or by sheer fineness of the slice. He had thought little of the broken skin as he had kissed his shoulder but now he saw all the other rough lines of broken flesh. Touya was hurt. They had done this. His uncle had done this. Last night.
"Should've came for ya," Jin said softly, mouth staying open as his eyes flitted from mark to mark.
"No, Jin, you should not have. There was nothing you could have done that would have made things better."
"I should've came," he repeated. "An' carried ya away last night."
There was fear and concern in Touya's eyes. He thought Jin was going to go after his uncle. He thought he was angry. Of course, he was angry. There was nothing Jin wanted more than to beat Touya's uncle ten shades past black and blue but at this very moment Touya didn't need that most. Touya knew enough anger. What he needed most now was love.
Whatever sort of shock and rage was showing, Jin put it aside and smiled. Then he held Touya close and pressed his lips to his.
-o-
"Beautiful," Jin whispered as their mouths parted.
I am not beautiful, Touya thought. I am marked. I am a disgrace. There is nothing beautiful about me.
Jin thinks I am beautiful.
"Nothin' ta worry about, Toy," Jin said as he brushed back his aqua-green fringe, the light touch lulling his eyes to close in the familiar comfort. "Goin' nowhere, I am. Stayin' right here with ya, promise I will."
Wait, what? He was not leaving. He was not rushing off to find his uncle. When he had found the bandages and saw the cuts, Touya had feared the worst. Jin reacted, not reflected. Slights to himself he occasionally ignored but threats to the ones he loved sent his wind into immediate storms. Hyou's snotty remarks were enough to stir Jin's wind so, at the sight of his wounds, he had expected a tornado to level the village in his rampage after his uncle.
But Jin was not rushing off. Despite his anger, he was staying. He cared more about him than getting revenge on his wounds. Jin was not going to let their last moments together be marred by rage and hate.
"Thank you," Touya whispered as he fell into his arms, into their familiar safety and welcome.
Jin's body was as warm as sunlight. It seemed so strange to Touya to think so, never knowing until recently that the sun gave light and heat. But now since learning of the sun's fire and feeling it for himself, he felt he could confidently say Jin's body was just as warm. And he wanted to feel more. If it were possible, he wanted to curl up and lay completely enveloped in Jin's warmth.
His fear spoke to him in his uncle's voice. It told him he was foolish, shameful, to keep away from Jin, to bury his curiosities and feelings under ice like he was supposed to, that heat melted ice. His fear reminded him in a voice between his uncle's and the chief's that only unrelenting cold would smother a rebellious fire. They told him he should not be having these thoughts.
Touya felt the warmth of Jin's breath near his neck.
We are meant to be impartial, impassive at all times. We are supposed to suppress all strong emotion. We do not feel anything, anything but what my uncle wishes our tribe to feel. We know fear, humility, and submission.
But I have felt more than that.
Jin slipped out of his kimono and tossed it aside.
Touya knew he was strong—he had seen him arm-wrestle that brute with ease and he had felt vague impressions of his body before but he had never seen him disrobed before. Touya did not know how to properly react but to stare at his chest and arms. Jin was not grotesque and bulky like the brute but his body was solid and muscular. And warm. Touya wondered if it was possible for a body to give off this much raw heat. Intimate contact was rare, even discouraged, except in the case of permitted procreation, in his tribe. It was not as if Touya had so much of a hug to compare his heat to.
At the press of their bodies, Jin's warm and Touya's cool, a tingling rush swept over Touya's body as his body responded to the heat. He supposed it did not matter as he tilted his head back and opened his mouth in a silent gasp as Jin's tongue swirled down his neck. All that mattered right now was how good everything felt, how the littlest gestures could bring so much happiness out of him.
And the littlest things made Touya very happy.
With what strength his body could muster, Touya hooked an arm behind Jin's neck before he gave way under Jin's oral attentions. His heart pounded, as if he had been dancing. Heat pinked his cheeks. Fear wrestled with pleasure as his body and mind tried to sort out which he was supposed to feel more.
"Damn me, those eyes are beautiful," Jin said, grinning. "Though not like the rest a' ya ain't bad ta look at, Toy." He laid a kiss on his forehead in the usual spot Hyou liked to poke him and at the touch, Touya could not help but wince a little.
Touya peered back at Jin in wonder. He was the first person who had ever told him his eyes were beautiful. To his tribe, his watery eyes were wrong. Ugly. Proof of his parents' disgrace. Proof of his unworthiness. But Jin thought they were beautiful. He thought he was beautiful.
With Jin, I have felt happiness.
Jin swept a hand up his side and kissed his collarbone.
I have felt comfort. I have felt acceptance.
Jin quickly nuzzled the crook of his neck and shoulder and whispered a few more kind words. Jin's scent hit and engulfed him like the rush of a sudden breeze. A strange reckless urge rose in Touya.
I have felt…
His fingers brushed around his nipples in slow half-circles. Immediately, the soft pink flesh stirred from its sleep. Touya watched, uncertain. His body trembled, though for once not in fear. Oh, his fear was still present, a shade in the back of his mind, but his thoughts and body were wholly occupied in the pleasure of Jin's hands.
I have felt warmth.
He arched his back, raised his chest, as Jin's fingertips rubbed his nipples into tiny, tight beads, no bigger than snowflakes. A high gasp managed to escape his lips.
Touya could feel Jin smiling. It would take nothing to recall his laughter. His smile and laughter were, after all, bright, bold and cheery. They were at the core of his being. Jin was boundless, open, playful and bright. Sunlight in male form with the capricious wind at his soul. Only part of him that stayed constant was his loyalty and love, both he showed with equal, honest, fervent passion.
I have felt love.
"Ah, Toy," Jin said, words punctuated with pauses for kisses. "Can't stand it any longer. Let me make love with ya. I want ta. Please, Toy."
Touya did not know how to say no, so he nodded yes. In truth, his mind was too fuzzy and preoccupied to really contemplate what Jin was asking. He did not really know what he had agreed to. But he was with Jin so whatever it was, it would not be bad, he figured. No doubt it would probably feel good. Real good. Everything else had.
He felt Jin's hand slide down the bend of his back. At first he enjoyed the sensation until his hand slipped underneath his underwear.
"What are you doing?" Touya asked nervously, making an awkward startled jump up as he struggled to peer over his shoulder to get a good watch on Jin's wandering hands.
"Could say I'm coppin' a feel, I guess. Got a nice backside, ya do, love," Jin said, grinning, as he gently rubbed a cheek.
"I do not," he quickly denied, blush deepening.
"Yeah, ya do. Got a nice everythin', Toy. Love it all about ya, I do. Want ta have it all with ya. Wish ya'd stay so I could really have it all with ya but if ya go, ya go. 'Least before ya do, let me make love with ya. First, only, an' last."
Touya stared bewildered back at Jin. He could not understand why he would want to make love with him until a thought managed to click itself together.
"You find me desirable?" Touya asked, confused by the thought of it.
"I think me findin' ya 'desirable' be the kiddy way a' puttin' it, love. I'm one-hundred-all from the top a' me tallest hair ta the end a' me toes would walk straight into the mists wild in love with ya. Told ya I love ya before, Toy. Didn't ya hear me even once? We gotta wash the wax outta yer ears!" Jin said, laughing as he gave his ears a playful tug.
"I am desirable?"
"'Course ya are, Toy. You're sweet, kind, stubborn, serious, noble, brave…you're beautiful, Toy," Jin said, "But right now you're mostly bein' a cock tease. An' I can't keep touchin' an' kissin' an' seein' ya naked without makin' love with ya. Man can only take so much, Toy."
Touya was uncertain.
"If you don't want to, I'll deal. Really would like to—not that's a reason to make ya say yes. I wanna make love but only if that's ya want to too. I love ya so I don't wanna make ya do anythin' ya don't wanna do yourself. …Figured ya had enough a' that."
"Jin…"
"Jabberin', aren't I? Okay, I'll shut up."
"I do not mind. I like that you speak what is on your mind." Touya said, surprising Jin with a genuinely bright smile. "And I do listen. It just sometimes takes a while to sink in."
"Toy…that smile…" was all Jin could say before succumbing to awe and admiration.
"Jin..." Touya said, seemingly capturing just little enough of Jin's attention to know he was listening, "I want to make love with you too."
"Really, Toy, ya mean it?" Jin was all smiles and bright-eyed excitement and as soon as Touya nodded in affirmation, Jin gave him a swift, sudden, hard smooch, their parting lips making an audible smack.
Though he was just showing his eagerness, Jin's enthusiasm made Touya nervous and also second-guess his decision.
"Ah, thought a' somethin'! Be right back, 'kay Toy?" Jin said, wrapping his blanket around and over him. "There ya go. Won't get cold while I'm gone now. Don't worry, won't be long."
And then Jin hurried out of the room, footsteps pounding down the hallway. He had not even closed the shoji screen behind him in his rush.
This is our goodbye, Touya thought, as his hood caved in and the covers fell over his face. He let the blanket stay there. First and last.
True to his word, Jin came back quickly.
Jin smiled as he peeked up at him underneath the blanket. "You look like a fluffy snow bunny, Toy," Jin said, lightly laughing as he leaned in for a kiss. "Got a little cold, ya did, but be nothin' a few warmin' kisses can't fix." And, setting a jar to the side, Jin proceeded to do just that.
"What is that?" Touya said, as Jin kissed his chest.
"Somethin' that'll make things easier for us."
For some reason, Touya had thought Jin would possibly not go through with making love with him, that it was just Jin talking, but knowing he was intent and was gathering the necessary preparation suddenly made all his words very real to Touya. His heartbeat quickened.
Touya was awash with racing thoughts, mixed feelings, but mostly confusion. He wished for once since meeting Jin a choice could be easy for him. Easy and definitive. But since meeting Jin, any question that ever revolved around his feelings for Jin was never easy and he could never truly decide. He hated his indecision. He wished his choices were so uncomplicated he never needed to be indecisive.
But did he want to make love with Jin? Yes. And no. He wanted the good feelings, to feel more of Jin's warmth, his kisses, his touch. He wanted to make a lasting memory for Jin and one for himself to have to hold back the loneliness. He wanted one last night of happiness.
But he was uncomfortable with being naked and seeing Jin naked. There was nothing physically wrong with Jin's body—in fact, quite the opposite. He was gorgeous. Touya could not help but eye his muscles moving in his long, strong body, memorizing his form, making his own mental portrait to carry with him after he left.
Touya's own, however, he wished to cover back up. In the Winter Tribe, not even husbands and wives showed their bare bodies to one another. Bare skin was unsightly, shameful. It was an embarrassment to be caught or forced naked. Touya's muscles were not as impressive or defined. He had some, yes, but he was not fed well enough to let his body shape such sturdy contours like Jin's.
He worried over how much it would hurt. He worried over what he would be expected to do, having never made love before. He did not think he would be any good. He knew he would not. And what if he enjoyed it too much. So much so he could not bring himself to say goodbye to Jin. This had to be it though. This had to be their goodbye.
Touya still wavered between his choices even as Jin stripped off their underwear, Touya's first, then his.
"'Kay, Toy, gonna feel weird fer a bit, it will," Jin said, popping the sealed lid from the jar. "But it'll make things better for us, I promise."
Touya said nothing as Jin helped him onto his right side—more like Jin turned him onto his side without him resisting—and prepared him. It did feel strange. Touya lay holding his breath as Jin's fingers worked his flesh and applied the cold gel generously.
He wondered what he had gotten himself into.
Touya's heart pounded as he sat in Jin's lap, cock erect and poised to enter him. Touya had no idea how he was going to fit inside him. He supposed he was about to find out…
His trembling hands resting on Jin's steady shoulders, Touya looked about unsure, his face flushed, as Jin began to pull his hips down.
"Please stop," Touya said suddenly. "I-I can't."
Halting that instant, Jin stared wide-eyed back at him and blinked, "Well, okay, if you can't go through with it—"
"No, it is not that. It is…" Touya said, averting his stare to the side and confusing Jin even more. "…You cannot see my face."
"Why not?" Jin said, grinning cheekily. "Maybe I want ta see ya. I bet'cha make some beautiful faces, Toy."
"Please no…" Touya said, covering a hand over his red face. " …It is too embarrassing."
He let Jin take his hand away and watched him as he brought his wrist to his lips and kissed his pulse.
"All right, Toy. How 'bout like this then?"
Jin told him to sit in his lap facing the other way.
"I…don't know," Touya said, gazing back over his shoulder. "Do we have to…this way?"
"Nah, we can do it any way ya want, Toy," Jin said, amusing himself a bit by rapid spider-walking his hand all across his back. "I just wanted you to have some control over us. Bein' our first, I can't promise ya it won't be easy 'er it won't hurt but you know your body better than I do. Hafta tell me if it hurts 'er ya can't stand it, 'kay?"
"Okay," Touya said, "But if I have some control, does that mean…does that mean I have to move?"
Jin laughed, "'Course it does, Toy. Ah, don't worry, you'll figure it out. An' don't be underestimatin' these hips."
Uncertain he would be able to do anything, Touya was rather hoping Jin could do more. Much as he appreciated Jin giving him some control, Touya was not sure he could handle having it.
Whatever Jin had thoroughly coated him with certainly left him slick. Perhaps a bit too slick, as he felt himself sliding ever so a bit more, forcing him to sit consciously to keep himself from slipping down until he was comfortable to do so.
Pulling him into a hug, Touya's back laying against his chest, Jin kissed his shoulder, "All right, it be, Toy. Take your time."
I am not positive we have enough time for me to spend, Touya thought, breath quickening as he tried to quickly grow accustomed to Jin inside him. Even though Jin had spent plentiful time to prepare him, it was still an unfamiliar and uncomfortable sensation. It also was a bit more stretching than Jin's fingers had readied him for.
"You're curled up tighter than a pill bug, Toy. Gonna hafta relax if ya want it ta not hurt a lot," Jin said. "Easy now. No need for all this huff an' puffin'. Breathe with me, Toy. Slowly."
Touya breathed in and out slowly. He felt the broad press of Jin's chest rising against his back as he breathed with him. He felt Jin's hard nipples.
"There ya go, Toy, there ya go," Jin said, rubbing his chest in reassuring circles.
Touya's breathing evened. "Sorry, Jin, I am—"
"Nervous, I know," Jin said. "I'm a little meself, ya know, bein' me first. But don't worry an' get your nerves tangled around your air. Be a lot scarier in your head than it really be, love."
I admire his sincerity, Touya thought as Jin helped him set aside his fears with plentiful caresses. Bit by bit, Touya found himself able to relax.
"I think I am ready," he said as he realized he had absolutely no idea of what to do now that he was.
Jin did say I would figure it out…
Touya supposed he should move.
He was cautious and careful. He moved just a little. There was some pain but whatever Jin had put inside him had made everything considerably easier. It was difficult for Touya to imagine himself continuing without it. Once his initial apprehensions faded, Touya slipped down a little farther and found his sigh was not entirely out of pain.
"Okay, Toy?" Jin asked, switching from nipping his earlobe to kissing down his neck.
"…Yes," Touya said breathlessly.
"All right, I'm gonna move now. Tell me if ya can't bear it."
Jin eased through his first thrust, starting off in pain as Touya's body stretched but quickly turned into pleasure. It was such a strange but wonderful feeling. And Jin was taking his time, making slow, gentle pushes inside him. Touya appreciated the thoughtfulness but from the way delight like rousing embers stirred and warmed inside him, he doubted slow and gentle would suffice him for long.
There was pain, yes, the worst of it coming from his side as Touya arched his back and ground his hips on Jin's hard, thick cock, but he did not mind the pain. After all, he was used to all his rare gifts of pleasure being intertwined with painful punishments, so why would this moment be any different than the others?
For once, however, the pleasure did outweigh the pain. Thanks to the contents of that small jar, he was slick and ready to take Jin's thrusts, remaining slow but rising in force. His skin tingled in a way Touya could best equate to the raw burn of a blizzard wind. His heart pounded and, though much as he tried to stifle them, quiet moans escaped his lips.
"Sounds like we're doin' all right," Jin said cheerfully, one arm around Touya's waist for support, the other hand rubbing a stiff nipple.
"Faster," Touya groaned.
"Huh, are ya sure?" Jin asked. "Don't ya think ya might need a bit more time?"
"I will be fine, Jin. I am not as delicate as I look."
"I know that, Toy. You're as strong as ya are beautiful," Jin said, kissing his cheek. "Just wanted to make sure though. Never hurts ta check."
Touya laughed, though with little air his laugh sounded more like soft gasps, "I do not associate you with taking the cautious route."
"Nah, I don't. Not often," Jin said. "For you, though, I will. Always do what's best for Toy, I will."
Touya smiled as the speed of Jin's thrusts increased and his smile was swiftly replaced by a low airy moan.
This could not be. Nothing in the village or within the mists could feel this good. Nothing could leave him shuddering with desire as fire sparked through every inch of his aching body. Such feelings Touya did not know were possible. Madness took over his body as he met Jin's drives and Jin's hand slipped down, took his cock in hand, and pumped. Touya was delirious with demand, a need for Jin and his warmth, a need to be touched, kissed, and loved. His body was ablaze with heat and slick with sweat.
Touya knew ice. He knew cold. He did not know warmth and heat. All his life he had been told to be like ice, to be cold, fixed, and unyielding. Touya was like ice but ice did not suit Touya. Not completely. His body burning and feeling as though his flesh was melting, Touya knew he was not like ice—he was like water. Water could change and adapt. Water could bend and storm. Water could be gentle or violent. Water could become ice. All his life he had been told to be like ice but ice was not everything he was.
Touya's mouth searched for Jin's and found it blindly. Their tongues met as Touya rolled his hips over Jin's erection slowly, relishing in the change of pace and the slow torturous ecstasy rippling over him rendering him even more desperate for release.
These sensations of fire, of melting, of having just little enough air to catch the next gasp, these feelings of desire, hunger, and rapture Touya knew it all should be terrifying to him. But it wasn't. None of it was. He was safe with Jin.
Matching Touya's pace, Jin slowed down his strokes. Even though he was at a different speed, his touch still sent shudders throughout his body. Jin's hands, Touya cherished them. His hands had only shown him love and warmth. They had protected him and held him aloft. And the only time they had ever been harsh had been to defend him. They were treasures to Touya.
His tightly knotted ache begged to cease. Unable to stand it any longer, Touya hurried his hips. Perhaps he should have let Jin see his face, then he could have seen how much this meant to him, how much the world only seemed to consist of them in this moment.
With a single final push, Jin called Touya's name and came. The surge of excitement rushed through him, one river of desire coursing into another, and sent him over the edge as well with a single sharp gasp of air.
He was lost in this one moment of being absolutely alive, a moment that until now he had been apparently waiting all his life to feel.
The rest was quite dreamlike until Touya could regain his breath. He remembered the sense of broadness of Jin's chest as he laid back against him. He remembered his hands touching him and a kiss on his slim shoulders.
When the dream ceased to be so hazy, Touya found himself laying beside Jin. His flesh was flushed, his heart thudded in his chest, and his body was exhausted. He heard the rustle of the blankets, felt Jin moving beside him, and wondered how Jin had the strength left.
"Toy? Toy?" he heard Jin whispering. "Look at me. Look."
Touya did not think he possessed the strength to look but he managed to find just enough to open his eyes.
He found Jin staring back at him. Somehow, he was strong enough to hold himself over Touya. A tired but happy smile slowly stretched itself across Jin's face, as bright as sunlight even though the darkness of night around them. He never wanted to forget his face.
Though he was sleepy and happy and full of peace, a fear curled itself up and out from the depths of his stomach.
After all, the whole point of his sneaking off had been to tell Jin goodbye but when Touya finally met with him again and was so instantaneously wrapped up in his arms, he could not bring himself to say much of anything, much less goodbye. On top of that, his worst fears had came true—he had enjoyed making love with Jin too much. So much so he did not want to leave him.
Touya had failed to say goodbye and, by his own poor judgment, had made things worse for himself and Jin. Why had he agreed? Why had he been so foolish? Why could he not have just said goodbye and left like he had planned? This had been a terrible idea.
Because now, without a doubt, Touya knew he belonged with Jin.