Girl Trouble

Okay, so here we go with chapter 4! Thanks to all readers/reviewers, you're all brilliant! Not that I'm trying to get good reviews, or anything…

I don't own South Park.

Chapter 4

It had been a day and a half since Kenny's unwanted change of gender, and he was already finding life as a girl tough. There were all sorts of things that he couldn't get to grips with, like makeup (especially mascara), bras (why the hell did they put the clasps at the back?), and sitting down to pee. That was one of the bigger problems Kenny had had: he had ended up with wet feet more than a few times.

And then there were the clothes. Annie owned more clothes than he had owned in his entire life, and she seemed to have a pair of shoes to match every outfit. The female obsession with clothes, and especially shoes, mystified Kenny. What was wrong with a simple pair of jeans and a T-shirt?

So here he was, walking down Main Street towards Shakey's in an outfit that he had literally thrown together. Well, walking was an exaggeration – it was more like half walking, half stumbling in the heels that he had very unwisely chosen.

He stopped to admire himself in a shop window. Oh yeah! If he had been in his own body, he would definitely want to nail that chick.

A series of wolf whistles from across the street made him turn around. He smiled coquettishly at a group of seventh graders and walked on, shaking his hot little booty. After a few hip swivelling strides, however, the reality of the situation dawned on him. He was shaking his hot little booty. For guys.

As he absorbed this thought, Kenny stopped concentrating on what he was doing, one high heeled foot caught the other and the ground rushed up to meet him. He bumped his chin on the pavement and felt a tooth rattle ominously in his lower jaw.

He lay there for a moment, stunned, listening as the whistles turned into roars of laughter. He blinked as tears of humiliation stung his eyes.

"This isn't funny anymore!" he shouted at the pavement. "Put me back in my own body NOW!"

There was no answer, just the coldness of the pavement seeping through his clothes. Kenny sighed and stood up, dusting himself down. He had no choice. There was only one way to solve this, and that was to contact Satan directly, which was something he'd been trying to avoid, because it involved human blood, animal sacrifice and a lot of chanting. Kenny hated chanting.

But there was no time for that now. He hurried on towards Shakey's, rubbing his bruised chin. He felt his mood lift a little as he stepped inside the pizza parlour, the warmth and delicious smells embracing him like an old friend.

He looked around for his friends. They were sitting towards the back of Shakey's round three tables that had been pushed together to create one big one. Bebe sat at the head of the table, arms folded.

"You're late, Annie!" she said sternly as Kenny approached.

"Yeah, I know. I'm sorry." He squeezed himself in next to Heidi. He had decided not to tell the girls the truth mainly because, being the colossal pervert that he was, he thought they'd assume that he'd engineered the whole thing to try and get close to them, so Kenny had decided to keep quiet and "play" Annie, at least until the whole sorry mess was sorted out.

He looked around the table. Most of the class had turned up: Clyde and Craig were there, Token Black, Tweek Tweaker and Kevin McSorley had turned up, and Red, Powder, Bebe and Heidi were representing the girls. Kenny was surprised to see that Cartman had showed up, as well as Kyle and Henrietta. The only two people missing, as far as he could tell, were Stan and Wendy.

A grungily dressed waiter came over to take their orders, chewing his gum noisily as he wrote everything down. While the girls were distracted Kenny leant towards Cartman.

"Where's Stan?"

"He chickened out," Cartman replied. "He's probably sitting at home right now, jackin' off to a picture of Wendy."

Kenny sat back in his seat as the grungy waiter waited to the remaining orders. Bebe waited until he'd slouched back toward the kitchen before rapping the table with her fist.

"Okay everybody, let's get started!" She smiled round at them, clearly enjoying her new role of chairwoman. "I think we all know why we're here!"

A few people looked at each other.

"No!" Clyde said.

That knocked Bebe off her stride. "Oh!" she said uncertainly. "Well, for those of you that don't know, which seems to be everybody, we're here because we need to start planning the Christmas party. The principal's leaving it all to us this year." She paused to think. "Damn, I was sure I told you all this already."

"Is that why you dragged us all here?" Craig asked crossly. "I thought this might be something important!"

"This is important!" Bebe shot back. "We need to decide who – "

"Where's Queen Slut?" Cartman interrupted. "Doesn't she normally do this shit?"

"If you mean Wendy," Bebe said, glaring at him, "She's not here because she's busy, so she's asked me to do this instead."

There were a few murmurings amongst the group. Wendy never normally missed a chance to try and get her friends involved in school activities, or even better, boss them about.

"As I was saying," Bebe said loudly, trying to regain the group's attention, "We have to start thinking about – "

"Hey, you know Stan's not here either!" Clyde interrupted. "Maybe they got back together!"

"No they haven't!" Bebe said crossly. "Wendy just has things to do tonight, that's all! Trust me, she'll never get back with that skank!"

Kyle glared at her. There was a brief lull in proceedings as the food and drink arrived, so Kenny took the chance to quiz Heidi about Wendy's mysterious absence.

"So what's Wendy doing tonight that's so much more important than this?"

Heidi looked around to check no-one was listening. "She's having her first tutoring session with Butters tonight." She stared at his perplexed face. "We were talking about it in the bathroom yesterday. You must remember!"

Kenny racked his brains. He remembered being in the girls loos, and the girls wittering on in the background, but his attention had been on something else entirely. "No."

"Oh no, that's right," Heidi said, staring at him. "You were too busy touching your own boobs to listen. Freak!" She turned away from him.

"Okay guys!" Bebe said loudly, startling some of the group. "Can we get back to-"

"How long is this gonna take?" Henrietta interrupted. "Me and Kyle are supposed to be going to the Tweaker's coffee shop to discuss why life is so meaningless!"

"Wow, you really know how to show a girl a good time, Kyle!" Cartman chuckled.

"If people would just let me – "Bebe began.

"I really need to get out of this place!" Henrietta cut in. "I can feel joy beginning to creep into my soul!"

"We'll get out of here soon, promise!" Kyle said to her.

Everybody looked at Bebe, who had hidden her face behind a notepad. She took a deep breath, let it out slowly, then put the notepad down and looked at them.

"Has anyone else got anything they wanna say?" she asked, struggling to keep her voice level. "Or can I finally get on with this?"

There was a short, unresponsive silence. She nodded. "Good. So," she consulted her notepad, Red's organising the food, Heidi's getting a DJ, and Powder, Annie and I are in charge of decorating the hall. We need people to help with the food and decoration, which we'll be doing after school. Any volunteers?"

"I've got wrestling practice after school," Clyde said.

"Me and Craig have got football practice!" Token said.

"I've got basketball practice," Kyle said apologetically.

"I just don't care!" Cartman chimed in.

"Okay, great, that's fine!" Bebe said sarcastically. "Me and the girls will just do everything, as usual! Thanks a lot!"

She grabbed her coat and purse and stalked towards the door. The girls, excluding Kenny rushed after her. As soon as the door had closed behind them, the boys leapt on Bebe's untouched pizza.

"Well, that was pointless!" Kenny said, leaning back and stretching his arms.

He looked around. Some people had decided to stay and order more food, others, including Kyle and Henrietta, were leaving. The ones that were still eating took their food and drink to other empty tables. Soon only Kenny and Cartman were left at the meeting table.

"You wanna go to my house and play Rock Band?" Cartman asked.

Kenny looked at his watch. "No, I'd better head back to Annie's. If I don't get back before ten her dad'll ground me." He looked outside. A steady rain had begun to fall since he'd arrived. "Uh, any chance I could catch a ride?"

"Yeah, okay. Pussy!"

*

After dropping Kenny back at his temporary home, Cartman drove back towards his own house. His route, as always, took him past Wendy's place. Cartman glanced at it as he drove past and then braked. He reversed and parked in front of it, gazing at it wonderingly.

There was something about Wendy Testaburger that drove him to distraction. Sure, her voice was like nails on a blackboard, and her stupid hippie beliefs made him want to vomit into the gutter, but still, something about her fascinated him.

There had been something between them once, back when they were eight years old. Cartman had shared his first kiss with her and ever since that day, his feelings for her had veered between hate and…something else. It wasn't love, he was pretty certain of that, it was – Cartman shook his head. It was time to be honest with himself. He wanted to bang Wendy Testaburger. He wanted to pull her hair and bite her neck. He imagined her scratching his back as he…

Cartman felt a familiar ache in his groin and opened his eyes. The fantasy drained away in his head, replaced by the sound of the car engine idling, and the swishing of the windscreen wipers. He took a few deep breaths to calm himself, and looked at the house again. What had he got to lose? It wasn't like Stan ever had to find out. No, he corrected himself, it doesn't matter if he did find out. It's not like they're together any more.

He switched the engine off and got out of the car, feeling apprehensive. He walked up to the front door, fighting the urge to turn around and run away. This is gonna go one of two ways, he thought as he rang the doorbell. She's either gonna drag me inside and screw me till my brain melts, or she's gonna call the cops. He crossed his fingers behind his back, praying for option A.

Wendy answered the door with a smile. When she saw who was slouching casually on her doorstep, her feature rearranged themselves into an expression of shock.

"Hey Wendy!" Cartman said cheerily, getting ready to run.

"Uh, hey, Eric," she said, glancing furtively behind her. "What are you doing here?"

"Just wanted to see if you were okay, that's all." Cartman smiled pleasantly, hoping against hope that she'd buy the lie.

"You wanted to see if I was okay!" Wendy repeated slowly. "Well thank you, that's very…sweet of you, but I'm fine." She stared at him, confused. Eric Cartman was never nice to her. Come to think of it, he was never nice to anyone.

"Good. That's good!" Cartman said, shifting uncomfortably from foot to foot. This wasn't going quite the way he'd planned. "What are you up to?"

"Oh you know, nothing much. The usual."

They both fell silent, unable to think of anything else to say. Cartman was disappointed. He had been hoping that she might at least order him off her doorstep, but instead she just stood there, looking as uncomfortable as him. Frankly, it was turning him off. He was about to give in and go when a voice stopped him in his tracks.

"Are you okay, Wendy?" Butters Stotch asked from the lounge doorway. "Oh, hey there, Eric!"

Cartman looked at Butters, then at Wendy, then back again, not quite believing what his eyes were seeing. Wendy and Butters? What the hell was that?

"It's not what you think!" Wendy said quickly, clearly flustered. "Butters is tutoring me! That's all it is, I swear!"

Cartman stared at her, openmouthed, then burst into laughter.

"Jesus Christ Wendy, I knew you were a dumb bitch, but this is…this is just beautiful!" He looked at them and laughed again.

"Please Cartman, don't tell anyone!" Wendy pleaded as Cartman backed away, a malicious look in his eyes. "Please!"

Without so much as a goodbye, Cartman turned and began to walk towards his car, laughing to himself. Maybe it hadn't been a total bust after all! Sure, he hadn't got laid, but he'd found out something that was nearly as good. He was nearly skipping by the time he reached the car.

Wendy shut the door and walked to the stairs, flopping down miserably on the bottom step.

"Great, now the whole world's gonna know!" She looked up at Butters. "This is so embarrassing!"

She regretted the last remark almost straight away. Butters' chubby little face crumbled, and he looked away.

"I'm sorry, Wendy," he said sadly. "I don't mean to be embarrassing, it just kinda happens. My parents say I was born an embarrassment."

"No Butters, I didn't mean you!" Wendy said quickly, kicking herself. "I meant the whole tutoring thing. I shouldn't need tutoring! I'm smart, goddamit!"

"It's okay to want help, Wendy," Butters said quietly. "Everybody needs help sometimes. Hell, I'll bet the President even needs help sometimes!"

Wendy looked up at him, a smile crossing her face. Sometimes, Butters Stotch could be incredibly insightful, in his own sweet way.

"You're right!" she said, standing up. "I shouldn't care so much about what people think! So I have a tutor, so what!" She tried to inject some enthusiasm into the words, but they still sounded hollow.

"That's the spirit!" Butters said cheerily. "Now let's go finish those maths problems!"

Wendy couldn't help but smile again. His eagerness was infectious.

"Yeah, let's do it!" she said, leading the way back into the lounge. "Let's kick that calculus' ass!"

Hope you enjoyed it! Please please review!

Chapter 5 up soon…