Characters belong to Shonda. The rest is mine.

Scared To Be Lonely: Four

CALLIE'S POV

I hate seeing Arizona like this. I thought she was good. I thought she was happy. Judging by the look in her eyes right now, though, she is anything but happy. I mean, I know there was always a lack of communication between us, but how did thing get this bad? She always seemed perky when I called to discuss Sofia. She always seemed…good. Maybe I was blocking out how I knew she really felt. Maybe I didn't want the guilt to eat away at me, I don't know. What I do know, though, is that my ex-wife is struggling to even look at me, let alone speak right now. She's asked me not to leave, and I've no intentions of doing so. She deserves to have her say. She deserves to tell me all of the things she should have had the opportunity to say before I left her. She deserves so much more than what she has been given. So much more. I don't know how much use any of this is going to do, but I want us to both be on the same page. I want us to have some sort of understanding between each other about our feelings and what is and isn't acceptable now.

I know I ruined any chance I had of us getting back together, but I really would like for us to be friends. I'd like for us to be able to call one another when we aren't doing so good and just talk things out. Whether that is because of Sofia, or someone we are dating, I want us to be able to support each other. I mean, Arizona was great when I met Penny, and I didn't expect that from her. Not at all. I imagined she would be bitter about our breakup, but she was the total opposite. I guess I should have known that, though. Arizona is such an awesome person and I'm not sure she has ever held a grudge. It's not her. It's not who she is. She's perky and she's smiley. It's what drew me to her when we first met. Perky and smiley was never my thing, and at times it was so annoying, but as I got to know her…as we developed a relationship, I couldn't live without it. It's actually one of the things I missed most about her.

I can feel her eyes on me, but I can't look up. I can't bear that look on her face that tells me I messed this up big time. That look that says, I was all you ever needed. I know she was all I ever needed. I know that she was all I saw in my future. Things changed, though, and we became totally different people. Nothing was the same anymore. It's not even about her cheating anymore. Things just changed and I didn't know how to get us back to that good place. That strong relationship we had. The whole entire reason why we got married. I just felt lost, and I hated not being in control of things. I hated not knowing what was coming next. So I ran. That's it. "I ran." My words falling from my lips unexpectedly, I lift my head a little and she stares at me. "I ran and I promised you I wouldn't."

"You did." She nods. "And you ran real far away."

"I know."

"You know, it's not even the fact that you told me you wouldn't…" She sighs. "It's the fact that you didn't give me the chance to work it out. You didn't stop and think about how I felt in all of it. You said what you had to say, and you left that room. You left me sitting there wondering what the hell had just happened."

"I-I…" Releasing a deep breath, I shake my head. "I don't even know what to say to you…"

"Well, that makes a change." She laughs. "I missed you every day, Callie. Every single day. I didn't care that you had just walked away from us, I'd have taken you back in a heartbeat. I'd have welcomed you back into our home without a second thought. All I wanted was you. Sofia, and you." Her facial expression changing a little, she looks hurt. "You took me to bed, Callie. The night before you left me, you took me to bed. Did you know in that moment that you were saying goodbye?" She narrows her eyes. "Did you? Was that our goodbye?"

"I don't know."

"You don't know?" She raises an eyebrow. "How can you not know?"

"Everything happened so fast, Arizona. I didn't feel like I was making you happy anymore. I didn't feel like I could be the one to make you truly happy. Yeah, I may have used you and your behavior as an excuse, but ultimately, I was the problem. Me. Not you." Her mouth hanging open, I shift a little closer to her but she moves away from me. "Please hear me out."

"Y-You made me believe that I was the problem all this time? You said I suffocated you, Callie. You said you felt stuck with me. Why the hell would you say that? Why the hell would you make me feel like the worst wife, and mother in the world because you couldn't communicate?"

"I'm so sorry, Arizona," I reply. "I know we can never fix this, no matter how much I want to, but I need you to know that you were the perfect wife. You always will be an amazing mom. This was on me, and I know that I went about it all the wrong way, but I have to be honest with you. You have to know that no matter what I said to you in that therapy session, I still loved you. I always will."

"I missed you so much." Her words barely above a whisper, she drops her gaze and stands. "I missed everything, but you know what I didn't miss…feeling like I could never do the right thing. Feeling like I was always in some way letting you down. I don't miss that. I don't miss that feeling you often made me feel." Wow, okay. "I was always trying harder. Always wanting to be better for you. I know I messed up, and I know that you still hold it against me to this day, but you took me back. We bought a house together. Hell, we were even pregnant." Her voice breaking, I stand and stop her from pacing. "You just never gave me the chance for anything. You wanted everything and you wanted it in that moment."

"Arizona…" I hold out my hand but she doesn't even flinch.

"You took that as me not wanting another child. You took that as me not wanting to make our relationship better and our family bigger. You wanted it all there and then, and then you made me out to be the bad guy. You accused me of not wanting better for us...but I wanted it all with you, too. Just…not there and then. Not within a particular timescale."

"I just thought you were looking for a way out…" I sigh. "You were so sure about kids, and then all of a sudden, you weren't. You had other plans…"

"No, all I wanted was to better myself so I could feel something good inside again. I'd spent so long trying to recreate who I was, and it just wouldn't happen. So when that fellowship was offered to me, I felt like I could prove myself. Not just to everyone else, but to myself, too. I needed something to tell me that everything would be okay. That even though I'd been through a horrific time, things could and would improve. I just wanted to be a better person, a better surgeon. I wanted you by my side for that, but you left."

"I made a huge mistake," I admit. "The biggest. Both in walking away from you, and in leaving Seattle."

"You may feel that now, but at the time you knew what you were doing. You knew what you wanted and that wasn't me." She gives me a sad smile but she's wrong. "Have you ever forgiven me?" She asks. "Have you ever forgiven me for cheating on you?"

"Yes." I breathe out. "I forgave you for that a long time ago."

"When? Because you've never once told me that you forgive me. Did you just want to use it against me when it suited you? When you needed a reason to hate me?"

"No, Arizona." Holding up my hands, I dip my head to meet her gaze. "I forgave you for what happened because I realized that it wasn't about me. I realized it was a part of your process. A part of your recovery for the awful time you'd had. Sure, I don't like what happened, but you were struggling and I was forever just trying to make you feel better. You didn't need to feel better, you needed support. What support that was, I don't know, but I know that I wasn't the greatest help to you. I just…I wanted my wife back and I wanted your pain to disappear. I know now that it wasn't as simple as that. I realized that when I sat thinking about my reasons for leaving…and the conclusion that I came to was that you weren't to blame in all of this. I mean, I'm sure there are other ways to deal with things, but it happened and neither of us can change that. What we can do, though, is accept that we both made mistakes, and learn from it. Try to move on…"

"I have moved on, Callie." She cries. "I moved on from everything that we were because you moved away. You left. You had an amazing new life and I wasn't a part of that. I was nothing to you, anymore."

"You'll always be everything to me, Arizona." My words causing her to furrow her brow, I'm done with trying to be careful with my words. I'm done with just wanting her to be my friend. I've never wanted that, not truly. I've never wanted any of this, not deep down. "You may be unable to forgive me for leaving, and you may be unable to ever see past all of this, but if we can never be together again, you have to know that I never stopped loving you, and you will always mean the absolute world to me." Leaning in, I place a kiss below her ear and she doesn't back away. I'm not sure how to take that, but I've said what I need to say, and I understand that I've hurt her way more than I ever thought I had. "So, I'm going to leave and allow you to do whatever it is you have to do." My heart breaking at the sight of my ex-wife holding herself, I desperately want to take her into my arms. I want to hold her and show her just how sorry I am. I can't do that, though. She doesn't want me anywhere near her.

"I don't hate you." She breathes out.

"I appreciate that." I give her a small smile as I back away.

"I just hate everything that happened." She admits. "I hate how you left me alone and expected me to just understand. I hate how you weren't there to support me and watch me become a better surgeon. Most of all, though? I hate that you were willing to leave because I couldn't give you what you wanted immediately."

"I hate it, too."

"I mean, you met Penny. You fell in love with her, but still…nothing has changed." She smiles. "And that is why I find it hard to believe that you really did still love me. It's why I find it hard to believe that you missed me and you ever wanted me back."

"I don't follow…"

"You wanted more kids, right?" I give her a nod in agreement. "But you couldn't give me around a year to finish my fellowship." I've no idea where this is going. "You couldn't give me that year, but here you are…almost two years on with no kid running around."

Shit!

"You see where I'm going with this? You see why I don't understand how you suddenly want me back? You didn't leave me because you couldn't have what you wanted right away. You didn't leave me because me advancing my career wasn't advancing our family. I don't know your actual reasons, but I think you need to take some time to figure your life out. You need to take some time to figure out what the hell you want. I mean, imagine where we could have been right now if you'd just held out a little longer. Imagine what we could have had right now in this moment if you had given me some time?"

"I-I." Sighing, I drop my gaze and shake my head a little.

"Are you scared to be lonely, Calliope?"

"No," I say with certainty. "I'm scared that I've truly lost you forever."

"If you never wanted to lose me, you wouldn't have left me, Cal. You wouldn't have totally crushed my world and everything I knew because of the fact that I needed six months to work my ass off. You would have done any of that, but you did…so, I'm sorry, but you are going to have to give me a hell of a lot more than you are right now."

"God, my head is so messed up." Running my fingers through my hair, I release a deep breath and Arizona gives me a small smile.

"Welcome to my world…"

"I know this is all totally out of the blue, but do you think maybe we could have dinner together one night? Not right now, or anytime soon, but when you think that you can face another conversation with me? When you think that maybe we can just talk…"

"I don't know…" She shrugs. "I don't know what it will achieve."

"Look, I'm probably totally going to freak you out and scare you off right now, but I'd like to believe that one day we can try again. I know I'm completely way off with my hopes for my life back in Seattle, but I'd like to try again. You probably don't feel the same way, but I just want you to know that I'd like that if you ever possibly feel the same way someday…"

"I need some time to sort through all of this." She replies. "I need time to figure out what is even going on right now."

"I get that." I nod. "I'll back off. Just…I guess I'll see you around, okay?" Heading for the door, I grab my purse from the floor and my ex-wife follows behind me. "Thank you for dinner with you and Sofia." Turning, I give her a genuine smile and she studies my face.

"You know, I may have missed you from the moment you walked out on me, but I survived, Callie. I survived and I'm doing good."

"I'm glad." Heading out onto her porch, I shove my hands in my pockets and shift uncomfortably on my feet. "Take care, okay? Tell Sofia I'll see her soon."

"You can see her anytime you like," Arizona replies. "Just call me and we will arrange something."

"Sure." I nod. "Goodnight, Arizona."

"Bye, Cal." Stepping away from my ex-wife, the door closes and I give myself a moment to control my emotions. I know I messed up when I said everything I did during therapy, but I accept that. I'm fully responsible for the blame where our divorce is concerned. Yes, I took way too long to own up to my mistakes, but at the same time, I didn't think it had affected Arizona as much as it has. Not only am I responsible for the mess I created with her, I'm responsible for tearing my family apart. At least, that's how it feels.

Grabbing my cell from my pocket, I head off down the street and towards my hotel. This is going to take an entire lifetime to make right, but I'm willing to try. I'm willing to do my hardest to win Arizona back, and no length of time could ever stop me. No self-doubt could stop me. We are supposed to be together, I know that. I always did. Arizona is hurting right now, though, and I have to accept that I cannot simply walk back into her life.

Thank you for being honest with me tonight. I needed it. I don't know what the future holds for us, but mine definitely includes you, Arizona. I'll always be sorry for what I did, but I hope that one day you can forgive me. Callie x

I know you're sorry. Your eyes have always told me how you truly feel. It's just a shame you became so good at hiding them from me. Az.

Thanks for reading, guys. Reviews have once again been astounding. They are always welcome and greatly appreciated.