Depression
What's the point of going to this island if there's nothing left for me in the land of the living? I've already felt betrayal of the worst kind, experienced the worst pain, and lost almost everything I've ever loved.
I can join my mother. And not worry about traitorous servants and half-sisters, and wives, and uncles, and who knows how many knights at this point (because if there are so many family members who have betrayed me, why not throw in some knights and commoners?(not counting Mordred because I already know about his betrayal)).
I'm lonely and tired of losing. Tired of fighting. I have no strength left. I have no one left to trust.
Merlin keeps pushing me.
I want to scream at him, tell him to stop. Cut off his head maybe.
Even after this betrayal though, he's been nothing but nice. Nothing but my servant. Isn't that just a joke.
I keep replaying in my head Dragoon's power. The power to destroy armies. And I keep trying to connect him to Merlin. But they can't be one and the same. Dragoon is evil. He almost had Gwen killed, and killed my father. Merlin has always been there for support and strength. Even when no one else believed in me, when no one else stood beside me, Merlin did. If they are the same person, who is really on my side?
Most of all, he reminds me of Morgana. I trusted her too. And she has spent the past few years trying to kill me and take my throne, torturing and killing innocent people to get there. And she used to be so sweet and kind and just. She was my sister and she turned into a monster.
I know that will happen to Merlin too. I know that magic only destroys and corrupts, and turns people into monsters. I know that magic makes you power-hungry and evil.
I can't watch Merlin turn into that.