It's been so long since I updated. I intended this chapter to be up before reaching Christmas. Unfortunately, I've been too busy and lazy. I'm sorry about the excuses. Since it's already here, then, enjoy.
Warning: Characters are OOC (Out of character, am I right?)
Bold and italic is a memory.
DISCLAIMER: I do not own Ao No Exorcist. Not the title, plot, characters, setting, idea, not the whole anime and manga.
In a very vast grassy field, the refreshing cool breeze soothes stressed minds as it flows through the hair. It's a cool breeze that sways with the nature and makes a person so relax.
Unfortunately, it only gives the opposite effect to people gathered around. The soft gust of wind reminds them of where they are currently standing. They are in an endless field that seems to connect with the sky, ultimately trapping them with nowhere else to go. They will have to wander aimlessly as they helplessly try to find the missing piece in them.
They gaze at the sky. 'Why… even the sky seems lonely, yet, it's not crying…?' Their heads turn towards the gravestone in front.
Again, the breeze flows through the hole in their chest and into their eyes. It stings. They could feel the cold pain in their chest, sucking out their life in it. It hurts that tears are gathering on their eyes, threatening to fall.
They clutch their hands or their chest tightly, telling the pain to stop. Until finally, the tears flow down to their cheeks and into the ground as the reality in front of them is the one thing they cannot escape from.
Under the gravestone lies the cold body, with its closed eyes and dull smile, holding the missing pieces in their hearts. Carved in the gravestone is the name of the owner of the brilliant smile, clumsy actions, meaningful words, determined eyes, and the warmth that they once received.
In exchange for the blessings they once had, they lost him.
They lost…
Okumura Rin
The sun has awakened, shining its rays that pass through the windows. Clouds are slowly gliding in the sky as the wind dances. The chirps of the birds and the hum of the gentle breeze enter a dim-lit room.
In the room, with only the sunshine through the window as its source of light, a teen is found sleeping in the bed. The pink-haired teen groans as morning is telling him to wake up. He opens his eyes and wonders how long he's been asleep. The teen slowly sits up and clutch his fuzzy head thinking about the dream he once had.
It is a very long dream. It starts with him going on a mission and grunts about how pain in the ass it is. Unexpectedly, he is having fun with his mission as he meets friends along the way. Most importantly, he meets the person that makes his heart get confused.
Suddenly, his dream turned into a nightmare. He does not want it to happen. He wants it to stop, but the nightmare is mocking him as it ignores his plea. It is in his mind. The confused eyes, hurt feelings, betrayal and regret… the pain… the blood…
The blood…
Blood… of his special one…
After everything, he is supposed to be in prison or executed for being a traitor, but his 'friends' – along with Mephisto – storms to the hearing and succeeds to persuade the higher ups to lessen the punishment. Because the higher ups thought deeply and agreed to the proposition of Mephisto that they could use the accused teen for information against the enemy, they change their minds in a condition. He has to make a name of himself in the exorcists while serving the higher ups without further questions. If he is found out to have violated the conditions, or to do something against the Vatican, he will be executed in sight. Temporarily, he will be guarded like a prisoner while the case will still be processed.
That's where his dream ended. 'But is it really a dream?' It feels too real to just be a dream.
He scans the room. The only window in the room has vertical bars, preventing him from escaping through it. If he will listen carefully, he could hear some movements and whispers behind the door. On the wall directly facing at him, hangs a calendar with a red circle on a certain day.
Everything makes sense now. It is not a dream. This is reality. Everything is… real.
"Early morning yesterday, it finally occurred to me.
Just like a puzzle where I had placed every single piece."
Shima lowers his hand, weak from the realization.
"Yeah. It's today." He leans his head to the cold wall at his left. "His funeral." he murmurs to no one as he stares blankly at the calendar.
"And now I don't know what to do,
Now that I see what we're both moving to,
Is this the point in time where I both pray and hope?"
Heavy footsteps approaching could be heard. Still, it did not make the lifeless teen to flinch as he already an idea as to who or what it will be.
"Let me in!" a familiar penetrating voice is heard to be commanding the guards outside the room.
"B-bon. C-calm down." Another voice, trembling and stuttering, is present in the ruckus.
The door is rudely slammed open with the force that could easily break someone's neck. The perpetrator strides with clenched fists and a scowl in his face; despite the plea of another friend.
Shima does not move from his position but glances towards the door and to the angry teen coming to him.
The scowling teen, Bon, grabs Shima by his collar effectively gaining his attention. Though Shima's attention might be with Bon, his eyes are still blank – or rather, blank. He does not care about what happens anymore, even if Bon is to punch him.
Bon notices Shima being so lifeless and grits his teeth in anger. He decides to just throw Shima back to the bed and shout his way through him.
"Why were you not there!? You know what day it is today, right!? You have a freaking calendar right in front of you! You know that you are given the permission to get outside so you could attend, right!? So, WHY?!" Bon screams all the questions bitterly.
Bon continues to yell without waiting for Shima to answer even one question. Not that Shima even tried to open his mouth to answer back.
"Even after trying to do his best for all of us, for YOU! Do you blame yourself that much? Don't just escape on your own! You are just moping in here when you could at least give him a proper farewell!" At the end of this, Bon's legs could not take it anymore and he falls to the ground, tears slowly rolling down to his cheeks.
"Somehow I knew that from the deepest reaches of my heart.
The hardest choice would be the choice that tears us both apart."
"Grieving and crying might not bring him back. But what can we do…? Knowing him, he will be worried if we also lost ourselves. We need to cry to show him that we are still alive." The once yelling teen now talks slowly, lowers his head, sobbing as he finishes every sentence.
"That's why, don't hold back your tears. Everyone is worried about you. Not seeing you cry. Not even on his funeral day." Bon raises his head and lets Shima see his crying face. He stares directly at the shocked pink-haired teen, silently telling him that everyone feels the same.
"And now I know I can't ignore,
All the feelings that I've felt before,
I wonder why I never tried to tell you from the start?"
Tears glimmer and are now uncontrollably falling from Shima's brown eyes. He stares at his hands, clenching the sheets. He realizes that for the past days after the incident, not a shed of tear dropped from his eyes. For the past days, he has been escaping as he cannot endure the pain from reality.
He cries and screams, clenching the sheets more tightly than before. It hurts. It hurts so much that he does not know what to do than to cry and scream for forgiveness. Cry and scream for his name.
Konekomaru and Shiemi are crying from hearing the words from Bon. They know that they all look weak and vulnerable as of the moment. Crying like little kids, helplessly wiping the tears flowing unstoppably, messily sitting on the ground, they do not mind who will see them and what they will think of them. They have to let go of all their bottled up feelings and tear away the mask of bravery for once. This will be their first step to try to move on – living the life they have.
"Here in the world of ours that's slowly falling all around us,
We're trying to move on, but it's the best we can do."
Behind another wall is a girl controlling her sobs in a futile attempt. Kamiki Izumo heard everything. She also began to sob. Her shaking legs could not bear it anymore and she slides to the ground, covering her mouth to stop her sobs from escaping. She suddenly recalls how she thinks she does not deserve to cry because she is useless. Just like before, she thinks she does not deserve their warmth, their shared happiness, the laughter, and the smiles. If only she knows that it would be the last, then she would've treasured every moment of it.
"Our happiness fading,
And smiles evading,
The truth within the lies."
Everyone left a while ago. Even though they try to be strong in front of Rin, for the sake of not losing themselves, it is too much. The grief of losing an important friend could not be easily forgotten and then move on.
It hurts more if you lost your only family, your love one.
The sky darkens, the cloud covers the sun and the wind blows a cold air. Rain is threatening to fall. It's dark, cloudy and cold. It is what the lone young teen feels as he stands in front of Rin's grave without so much as a blink.
He feels his world is just like his surroundings. In this vast field, it feels so empty, dull, and bitter without him. Time moves slowly as his life is changing at a fast pace. His life is slowly diminishing, giving him the hurtful pain beyond his endurance. It hurts more knowing that whatever pain he's been through won't kill him immediately.
"Ne, Nii-san, it hurts. I'm a doctor but only you… can heal this." Yukio tightly clutches the fabric on his chest.
No one talks back at him. He does not hear that silly voice laughing at him and telling him that he's the best doctor he's ever known. He will never hear that cheerful voice and the praises again. Never again.
Rain starts to pour. Slowly at first and then it becomes a heavy rain. It drenches the shaking and sobbing figure of the 'alive' twin. Knowing that you're the one standing, that another life is missing beside you, not even crying loudly and shouting his name will ease the pain.
"Now all I hear are screams between us,
Resounding and bouncing the echoes throughout my mind."
Yukio collapses on his knees crying uncontrollably. How long has it been that he stopped his tears from falling? He could not remember. 'Then, maybe… this is all just a dream.'
He takes a look around. "No. Wake me up from this nightmare." Yukio desperately tries to stand up but his legs are weak and he falters just as he stands. He grits his teeth as he readies himself. A clenched fist is brought to his cheeks as he punches himself. He falls down beside the gravestone in the process. Yukio could feel the heat from the impact of his fist to his cheeks and slowly opens his eyes in hopes that he's back to reality and to find him by his side. Yes, he's back to reality but 'he' is not there. To the reality that no one can escape. Not even Yukio. Not even 'him'.
"Nothing is left; nothing remains at the end of the line.
At the end of our chain, we've both run out of time."
Yukio's face scrunches up in agony as he lies flat on the ground, staring at the pouring rain; beside the gravestone – beside Rin.
"I thought you are the big brother. The big brother that will always be there for the younger. I thought that you are my twin. My other half that I need to be with." Yukio's tears are pouring harder than the rain.
"Nii-san… Rin… I… I love… you…" the crying teen shifts and faces the gravestone.
"Leaving without hearing me is so unfair." Yukio hugs his knees as it will only be the thing he can hug to.
"So was it fate that brought us together,
Only to remind us that love's not forever?"
The door to the quiet and old dormitory creaks open as a muddy wet exorcist returns to their room.
"I'm back." Yukio murmurs to the 'once' roommate and twin brother. No one greets him back. The dirty teen decides to take a warm bath to avoid catching a cold from being under the rain for too long. He still has papers to be checked as a teacher, homework to finish as a student, and missions to accomplish as an exorcist. He needs to catch up to his works from all the wasted time of checking and asking Mephisto any news about Rin or even just his… body. Mephisto informs them that after checking Gehenna, with Amaimon, they could not find Rin's body and concludes that it might be the lower demons and few of the higher demons doings.
Before proceeding to take a bath, Yukio glances at Rin's bed. It is neatly arranged like no one has touched it. He remembers the times that he would always be the one to treat Rin's injuries when they were kids. When Rin already knows that he is actually a half-demon, the reckless teen always risks his life. Knowing the half-demon, he is not actually taking advantage of his demonic abilities to heal quickly by himself, instead, it's only because he always has been the type to sacrifice himself for his friends. Every after treating his wounds from the battle, Yukio would always scold Rin for being so reckless. The half-demon would only smile back and say how that how his life goes. Rin would always calmly smile and say cheesy lines like 'I swore to protect the important people in my life' and 'If you are in my position, I know you would do that to' or maybe 'Just like how I will always be there for you'.
"You always take everything alone." his whisper reaches to no one's ears except himself. Yukio could no longer shout and scold Rin for being reckless. The person he cares the most would no longer tell him the words that makes him feel alive. From now on, this room will be quiet now. The glasses-wearing teen might have wanted silence for a while. But… not like this. Not without him.
"You said, 'You know, that's how it goes.'
'That's just the way that life is.'
Yukio wants to cry again but he has to stop himself. He remembers his brother's words. Most of all, he remembers what Rin said when they were kids.
"I beat them because you were crying. So don't cry Yukio. I hate to see my twin brother cry."
If Rin is watching from somewhere, though it sounds ridiculous to Yukio, he needs to keep himself from crying too much. He needs to act brave even though he's breaking inside. He needs to at least control his cries. After all, his twin brother hates to see his younger twin crying.
"So no regrets, baby, don't fret
You know I hate to see you cry."
Yukio immerses himself in the warm water. Warm. Even with only four living creatures in the old dorm, he once felt warm. The presence of Rin brings life and a warm feeling to the whole place. It once kept him from feeling choked in a big place.
But right now, Yukio could no longer feel. It is what emptiness steals from him. He grieves and cries from losing too much that he feels numb.
"Last night, a quiet moment helped me bring my thoughts around.
No sense in picking fallen petals up from off the ground.
This flower's past its bloom,"
Yukio stares at his face in the reflection in the water. They are twins but people say they don't look alike; unless Yukio takes off his glasses. Upon further inspection, they really are twins. But Yukio could not remember Rin having the same eyes as he has right now. The eyes that are devoid of any light.
"And you know that we can both assume,
Our time is gone, let's move along
It was never meant to be."
The lifeless teen keeps on staring at the reflection. A droplet falls to the water, distorting the image and dragging Yukio's attention away. His attention is on the droplet. He slowly let his hand touch his cheek.
'Ah. It's still falling.' Yukio thought passively. Even though he's already numb as of the moment, tears are still falling.
"It's all done! I'm going to eat all the meat." with a carefree smile, the half-demon grabs and eats the entire barbecue he could muster to put in his mouth.
"Hey! Leave some for me too!" a young man dashes towards the table.
"Wait! Nii-san, that's mine!" a glasses-wearing teen yells at his brother for stealing his food.
"Mou! You boys should eat vegetables too!" the short-haired girl, wearing a swimsuit, scolds.
"Leave them be." Another girl just shrugs at the situation.
"Then, just give them to me." A rebellious-looking teen steals the barbecue of the long-haired female.
The bald young man's sweat drops as he giggles in the funny scenario. A drunken booby woman just laughs while a young man, with a puppet in his hand, is just silently sitting under the shade of the umbrella.
"Don't you remember the first summer it was all worthwhile?
Every moment that we spent together made you smile."
Yukio stares at the picture he's holding. It is the picture of their first summer trip with everyone in the cram school class. He remembers how they had random childish arguments, tiring games and competitions and lots of funny pictures. The picture that Yukio has been holding is what they decide to put in a frame and be in their desk. It shows how childish they are during that time.
"Arguments we won't recall,
With no regard to how we felt at all"
"We will never be complete again, without you." The lone young teen murmurs to no one. His words echo to the empty room and to his mind. It echoes, reminding him of reality.
"The words were cruel, we played the fool
The end is on our minds."
Tears fall without warning. It falls without so much noise. How much can a human cry? How many tears can they shed? How long can they cry? How long do they have to suffer?
For the past few days, Shima does not go out of the room. He is permitted to come out to check on things, like the progress about finding Rin's body. He can even attend classes if he wants. Still, the pink-haired teen chooses to shut himself in the room. His routine of waking up, eating, and sleeping never ends. It feels like being trapped in a loop. Wherever he goes, it's a dead end. Dead end.
The room is supposed to be his escape route to the harsh reality slapping at him. Instead, it became a cage that locks his feelings and thoughts echoing in his mind without any escape.
"And with every single day that passes slowly by us.
There's nothing I can do, nothing I can do for us."
It is only until Bon stormed inside the room, yelled at him, and everyone crying; that the door finally opens. It is then that he realizes he needs to do something.
Shima needs to go and tell 'him' everything. No matter how much it hurts and breaks him inside, he has to go. If he can't, he might lose himself. It will be the only thing that will keep him in this world, will keep him sane.
The crying pink-haired teen stands up from the bed and drags his legs outside the room, beyond the door, and to a direction – leaving his crying friends.
"I will always love you and I'll always think of you.
But I have to tell you now."
Shima run and run. He runs without any care to his surroundings. Even when his eyes are blur from crying, he still keeps on running. He stumbles, got scratches and pants but he won't stop in his tracks.
He does not even notice that the rain is pouring heavily that people who he passes by, glances at him in worry. He does not notice the current time or how he currently looks with all the dirt and scratches.
All he knows is that his legs won't stop running – until reaching his destination – and his tears that are not stopping, falling from his eyes.
"Oh, somewhere deep in my heart it's raining.
The clouds are remaining to drown me away from you."
His pace is slowing down as he draws near to his destination. There, at the backmost part of True Cross Town is a vast field where almost no one visits as a wealthy man owns it – Mephisto.
Upon setting foot in the grassy field, Shima staggers toward a certain place. The place where his precious person lies beneath the ground.
He walks closer to it, clutching his other arm, and staring directly at the gravestone. He stops in front of it and falls to his knees. He slowly lifts his arm and touches the gravestone, tracing the name. The quiet teen bows his head to let his hair cover his eyes.
"I'm driven, but I've had enough.
Our broken heartache's still here.
It seems that no matter what, it simply won't disappear."
"R-rin… Rin… Rin…" Shima's slumped shoulders trembles as he sobs the half-demon's name. The sobbing teen clutches his chest as he is about to say his farewell properly.
"I'm sorry… I'm sorry for everything…" his sobs and words can be heard despite the heavy rain.
"If… if only I told you everything… If only I am stronger… so, I could protect you…" the feeling of regret is flowing in every word the crying teen mutters.
"Then… maybe… you are with us now. It might not be so cold with your warmth. It might not be so dark with your bright smile. It might not be so empty with you by our side." Shima clutches fistful of hair in both hands as he thinks of what might have been the present day with 'him'.
"I might have already told you…" his grip on his hair loosens as his eyes got wide in realization.
"I…I… love you. I love you. I love Rin." His confession is too late as 'he' will never come back to reply.
"The bond between us has finally broken.
There's too much unspoken, we're falling so far apart."
"But… you left too early. Why?" Shima stares at the name, thinking that it might give him all the answers he's been looking. He knows that the field is so vast and empty that this time, not even an echo of his answers, are coming back to his ears.
"Goodbye my love, it's done sweetheart.
Sayonara, it's the end.
It is time to depart and we will never look back, my friend."
"Heh. How foolish of me. You wouldn't answer. You couldn't." the rain finally stops and the clouds give way to the sky to appear. There is an opening but not a familiar voice or word came through.
"It's such a sad end. I wasn't even able to change our relationship to how I planned it." Shima realizes that he needs to be the usual carefree and funny Shima he has always been in front of Rin. Despite his words, his face shows a sad and heartbroken smile.
Night approaches but the sky is not showing any shining stars to count or wish to. The sky is present but just like the field, it's so vast but it feels sad as it is barren. It is there but nothing is in there.
"Why am I even looking for any stars? It's not like it really grants any wishes." Shima burrows his head in his hands hugging his knees.
"Oh, this one time, just this one time.
If I could make a wish upon a fallen star,"
"But… if I could make a wish…" Shima brings his head up to look at the gravestone as if talking to Rin.
"Then, maybe, it would be you by my side. If that were to happen, I will not let you go easily." The pink-haired exorcist gazes at the night sky, hoping that a fallen star would pass and then he will wake up the next day with Rin.
"If it came true, I'd stay with you.
Always forever, you and I together."
"But that's impossible." Shima gives up and just hugs his knees tightly. Wishing for the dead to be alive again never happens in real life. The dead never comes back to life. It is the truth.
.
.
.
Somewhere outside Japan, a young man is walking by the road side near the beach, thinking deeply about what to do. He has black messy hair with bangs parted evenly – to avoid covering his eyes – and crimson red eyes. He wears an exorcist uniform jacket and has a sword hanging around his shoulder.
"I have done what I could to pay back to her kindness to me. Now, I have done that, what should I do next?" he raises his eyebrows in question. He looks like he's walking aimlessly and talks to no one in particular.
"Argh! This is frustrating! It will be so boring with all the missions!" he stops in his tracks and clutches his hair and closes his eyes in anger of thinking so deeply upon such things.
After clearing his mind and deciding to think about it when needed to, he continues to walk in a quiet place with almost no people around.
"Huh?" After walking a short distance, his nose twitches at smelling something. 'It's faint but it's here.' His eyebrows furrow in frustration as he smell a familiar smell – of a demon.
'It's nearby.' "Tch." He dashes to follow where the smell originated. There, he finally sees it. He does not notice the beautiful scenery of the bright sunset at the horizon. He does not notice how the seas seem to twinkle as it reflects the sunset. What he sees is different from the usual scenery from every time he walks. He gazes at a different colour this time. It's the colour of blue.
Blue flames…
It is the symbol of those higher level demons.
But there's something different.
The blue flames are slowly dying out from the pale and bloodied young teen. The red-eyed exorcist could feel that if he does not do anything, the life of the young teen would die out just like the blue flames.
A/N: First, Night finally showed up! Yay!
Second, the italicized words are actually lyrics from the song 'Just Be Friends' by rockleetist version. The song is originally a vocaloid song by Luka. Rockleetist made an English version and it sounds great (listen to it). I find the lyrics to fit with what I want to write. I made some changes so that it would really fit, I think.
Sorry for the long wait readers. I actually planned to post this on Christmas day but I got too busy and lazy so it's so late. The chapter is also kinda rushed so it might be too dramatic for your own taste, or maybe there are a lot of errors, or redundancy or the chapter may feel too draggy. I'm sorry about that. U_U But I enjoyed writing, especially Shima's parts. Though the characters are so OOC. Also, this chapter is shorter compared to the previous chapter.
I did plan on making a Christmas special but it's already past Christmas so I postponed it. Also, it would be too dramatic and will lose my mood in reading, if I am the reader.
Anyways, I thank you guys for all the reviews, follows and favorites. I did not expect those numbers. It made me hesitate to cancel the story, heheh. I have bad news for those who still like this story after reading this chapter. I'll try to make the next chapter in January, before I get busy again. But I think it will be impossible. If I'm not able to post on January, I might come back by March, April or May. It depends if I won't get busy on those months too.
DeepAzure: I hope this satisfies you?
Tell me how I did this time.
Rate, Review, Comment, Suggest, Violent Reactions, Constructive Criticisms. What else?