Number four! Yike, will I ever stop updating? Yeah, right after I finally get it through my head that Zack's friend is Kunsel, not Kunsei. The weird thing is, I have no idea where I got Kunsei from. Anyway...
Yaoi, angst, mush, angst, mush, emo, mush, and mush. Also, angst. If I owned FFVII I would get everyone's names right and understand Loveless, so clearly, I don't. Those of you who survive, let me know what ya think.
WHAT CONSCIENCE MAKES
Part Four in the "Like A Dance" Series
When Angeal woke the next morning, he was alone. That wasn't so strange, sometimes Zack rose earlier and would be found making breakfast or watering the garden. Giving himself a little time to process what had happened the previous night, Angeal quickly showered and dressed before heading to the kitchen, which was empty and quiet. Panic was already rising as he checked the garden, the whole house. Zack was gone.
No, Gaia no, if something happened to him if he hurt himself if I lose him...no, calm down! Be rational. There's an explanation.
Angeal tried in vain to relax himself enough to try to sense Zack. SOLDIERs with high mako levels could often vaguely feel the presence of each other. Not 3rds, generally, but Angeal had always had a stronger bond with Zack and could, on occasion, just feel him, sense his beautiful life-force. Is that what Taikan had sensed that first day in Wutai, the bond he had commented on?
Taikan. Angeal's heart began to beat again, and he raced from the house. Thank you, Gaia.
Sure enough, beyond the little gate, in the shady spot where the three of them had had tea many times, there was Zack, sitting quietly as the elder ground some leaves with a mortar and pestle and explained what he was doing. Angeal approached silently, holding to what he had left of anger, needing it, but wanting more than anything to just pick the boy up and hold him and never let him go.
" - the resulting paste is excellent for toothache, and if you add saffronberry, it - oh, Angeal! How nice to see you."
Zack was sitting with his knees gathered to his chest. At his mentor's approach, he shrank into himself, ducking his head down behind strands of fine black hair. Taikan looked back and forth between them, observing the boy's anxiety and the man's well-controlled hysteria, and spoke gently to Zack.
"You know I am always pleased to spend time with you, young one. But in Anzen, children do not go anywhere without the permission of those who are in charge of them. I believe you've given your commander quite a scare."
Zack said nothing, and didn't look up. Angeal wanted to reassure, unable to bear the thought that the boy might be afraid of him, but Zack was not apologizing profusely, and that was odd enough to give him pause.
"I'm sorry, Taikan, but I need to take Zack home. He and I need to talk."
"Of course, of course."
"Puppy, I'm going to help you up."
It was standard for Angeal to tell Zack before any unexpected touching, though the warnings had become mostly unnecessary. But the boy got to his feet before a hand could reach him, and continued to stare at the ground, letting Angeal have only a brief glimpse of something that could have been fear, but also resembled anger. It looked for a moment like Zack might storm past him, so Angeal gently but firmly took him by the arm and walked him back to the house. Even when the door closed and Angeal whirled around, Zack refused to look up.
"Do you have any idea how worried I was? You vanished without a word, without a note! Gaia, Zack, for all I knew, you were hurt or kidnapped or worse!"
"Worse?" The boy spoke at last, his voice choked. "Worse than what's happened already?"
The question wasn't calculated to deflate him, but it did anyway. "Pup, I'm not angry at you, all right? I was scared. You cannot go off without telling me. Why did you do this? Zack? Look at me."
The dark hair parted at last to reveal white skin and tired, pale blue eyes. "Last night..." he whispered uncomfortably.
Fuck. "Puppy, I'm so sorry. I just couldn't stand to see you suffer like that. Please forgive me."
"Forgive...you?" Zack looked confused, devastated. Haunted, more than anything else. "You helped me. You always help. I didn't want you to have to look at me."
"What? Why wouldn't I want to look at you?" Angeal asked gently. "Because of last night? That wasn't your fault."
Zack's eyes flickered up, flaring mako green. "Is anything my fault? Does being fucked by Genesis and Lazard make me perfect or something?!"
Angeal closed his eyes for a moment. It was the first time since arriving in Wutai that Zack had spoken their names. It should have been a sign of progress, but the boy looked like he was getting ready to tear something apart. Maybe himself.
"Puppy - "
"I made you worry! After everything you've done for me! What do I have to do to make you angry?!"
"You made a mistake," Angeal said calmly. "But it's all right. As long as you're all right - "
Zack turned on his heel and headed for the kitchen. The commander was frozen for a moment - never before had Zack walked away while he was talking. However distracted or excitable, the young man had always been polite. Angeal followed, and froze again in the doorway, only for a second, all his panic would allow him. Zack was standing on the sun-drenched tile, holding a carving knife, dragging it across his inner forearm with a blank expression as blood dripped nightmarishly to the floor.
"ZACK!" Angeal was across the room instantly, throwing the knife down, grabbing a small clean towel and wrapping it tightly around the wound.
"Did I make you mad?" the boy asked dully.
"Yes! Yes, you've made me mad!"
Angeal seized Zack around the waist, nearly lifting him off the floor, and dragged him back into the living room. There was a wooden cabinet there where Potions and other Items were kept, and a couch right beside it. He deposited the boy onto the cushions, one hand holding a shoulder to keep him down, and quickly rummaged through the cabinet for a small bottle. Zack stared at him sullenly as it was pushed into his hand.
"Drink. Now."
"No."
An outright refusal, another first, and it pushed anger into a lead ahead of fear, just for a moment. "That is an order, Lieutenant!" he nearly shouted.
Chin quivering but petulant frown remaining, Zack grudgingly opened the little vial and drained its contents. Angeal waited a moment, trying to steady his breathing, and carefully removed the towel to examine the cut. Already, the flesh had knit itself back together, and before his eyes all evidence of it faded, leaving white skin that was smooth and unmarked. Angeal ran his hand over it cautiously, as though trying to soothe a hurt that was no longer there. The arm was trembling under his touch; the fist clenched to make it stop.
"Puppy..."
"Just tell me I'm bad," Zack whispered. "Please."
Angeal wanted to hide the boy in his arms, but he didn't know if Zack would consent to being held just yet. Needing to keep in physical contact nonetheless, he leaned forward a little and placed his hands on the boy's hips. From this level, he could see Zack's face even though it was tilted downwards.
"You are not bad. What you did just now was stupid, and if you ever give me reason to think you might do it again, I will take your sword and everything else remotely sharp away for good. But you are not bad."
"I didn't mean...I meant last night."
"You were afraid. You needed to be reassured. What's bad about that?"
"I needed you to..." Zack squirmed a little, heat rising into his pale cheeks. "I liked it."
"That was why I did it, Pup, to show you that it's a good thing, that it's not supposed to hurt. I'm glad you liked it."
The boy shook his head. The words he needed seemed to be sticking in his throat.
"Zack, I know you must be embarrassed. But there's no need to be. We can forget it if you want." Angeal gently stroked the hips with his hands, then stopped immediately when Zack tensed. "Or I can keep helping you until you feel all right doing that by yourself. I know it's scary, but it's better than the nightmares, right?"
"You...know I haven't been having them lately?"
"It's what I assumed. You've been much less restless."
Zack looked up at him, his sweet face hardened with sadness and defiance. "I didn't tell you because...I like having you close when I'm sleeping."
"Pup, you could have told me. I'll keep staying with you as long as you like."
"Why do you have to be so nice to me? Why can't you yell, or be disappointed, or tell me something I do is wrong?"
"You haven't done anything wrong," Angeal said firmly, wishing he could make Zack accept this.
"The dreams are wrong," the boy whispered. "You should punish me, not..."
"Dreams, not nightmares? Good dreams? That's good, Puppy, I want you to have good dreams."
"You don't understand!" Zack wailed, twisting away from the hands. "It's you! They're about you!"
Angeal took a moment to absorb this, keeping his expression calm. Zack was dreaming about him, those kind of dreams? He felt a thrill at the thought but shoved it out of his mind, ashamed that he could be thinking that way now. He edged up onto the couch and put his arm around Zack, who tried to squirm away at first. With a few murmured words Angeal got him to stay still, just like at night, with the lesser nightmares that reassurances could banish. Moving slowly, Angeal coaxed Zack into his embrace, and though he whimpered, the boy couldn't deny that he craved his mentor's touch.
"You're not upset? You're not mad?"
"Of course I'm not mad. This is normal."
"Is everything I do normal?" Zack asked harshly, getting agitated and trying to pull away again. Angeal held on and ran his fingers through the spiky hair, and willingly or no, Zack calmed a little.
"Just listen, Pup, listen. You don't feel very safe, do you, most of the time?"
"I do..." The boy didn't sound sure of himself.
"With me, right?"
"Yeah," Zack admitted. "Only with you."
"Maybe you're clinging to that safety so much that you think there are other feelings involved," Angeal said gently. "Or, if you are really feeling something for me, it's probably because I'm a safe person to feel it for. You know I would never hurt you...at least I hope you do."
Zack pressed his face against his teacher's shoulder, and tightened his arms around Angeal's neck as though he were expecting to be shoved away. "It was before too," he said in a soft, muffled voice. "I tried not to think about it...about you, that way. But Genesis knew."
Angeal rested his chin on Zack's head and shut his eyes, trying to remember all that the boy had told him about the rape, much as he hated to think of it. "He told you that I wanted the same thing from you that he did, and that if you cared about me you would give it to me. I know you care, Puppy. I don't expect or need any more of you than what I have."
"You're still not mad?"
"You're sixteen, Zack, and I'm your teacher. Crushes are normal. I'm flattered, anyone would be."
"Why?"
The question was so innocent. When Angeal didn't answer, Zack hesitantly tilted his head up and found his mentor looking pained. A hand cupped Zack's cheek, gently rubbed the palm against soft skin.
"Because anyone would be lucky to have you."
"But..not you?"
Angeal left his hand where it was, but turned his head away. He couldn't look at that face, and the beauty that was heartbreaking and heartbroken. I can't let him see this. I need to be safe.
"Yes, me too," the commander heard himself say. "I would be very lucky. But I am your teacher. And anyway, that's not what you need right now. You need to feel safe."
"You've always protected me," Zack whispered, returning his head to the familiar shoulder. "I feel safe when I'm with you."
"Good." Angeal pressed his lips to the spiky hair and felt a shiver, unsure if it was Zack or himself or both. "But that's not enough."
"What if I love you?" the boy asked, his voice wavering and intimating tears.
"I love you too, Puppy."
"Just...not enough?"
"No," Angeal murmured, "too much. Too much to risk losing this."
They had a full day of patrolling for fiends ahead of them, and usually either one or both was eager for that. Besides, Angeal was responsible and took his duties seriously, whether they were personal or professional. But his most important and prized responsibility was so warm and sweet in his arms, shifting and nuzzling, adorably incapable of sitting still. Angeal decided he would stay there all day and be happy to, if that's what his puppy wanted.
zazazaz
Over the following months, Zack began to take on harder monsters and longer patrols, and spent much of the rest of his time preparing for the exams he would have to pass to advance to 2nd Class. He was becoming stronger, and not just physically. His outbursts and crying came less and less often, though to Angeal's secret delight, he continued to cling and require careful attention. He didn't speak any more of his crush, though, and it seemed to Angeal like the boy was trying to make things the way they used to be between them. The differences were obvious, mostly in the case of the increased amount of touching between them since the rape. But somehow, not talking about it made it okay.
Zack had always responded well to physical affection. Angeal had seen that from the beginning of their acquaintance and found himself uncharacteristically playing on that. There had always been hugs, hair-ruffling, pats on the back, some playful picking up on rare occasions. But this cuddling, Zack curling up on his lap and shifting in such a way that Angeal was hyperaware of every curve of his body, their hands finding each other with no conscious effort from either of them, Angeal's lips gently pressing Zack's hair or cheek and wanting to go lower, to go everywhere...this was new.
And Angeal couldn't bring himself to object. But at the uncommon times when Zack wasn't with him (usually visiting Taikan, who was teaching him about herbs), he would rush to the bathroom and vent the arousal that kept storing up. He hated this need, this longing, the way he had meant to be a wall of safety for Zack and instead couldn't stop imagining him nude, legs opening, whispering his mentor's name with desire. Angeal cursed Genesis and Lazard every day, but some days himself too, just as angrily.
In mid-autumn, a fever swept through Anzen. Not a dangerous one, only leaving its victims tired and weak for a varying recovery period. Zack caught it, and though his enhancements protected him from the full force of the illness, his activity had to be greatly restricted for a few weeks. The doctor visited often, smiling kindly at Angeal's worry, and said he was doing everything right, all that was required was time. He did express concern that the mako might be slowing the fever's progress and thus delaying recovery, so he suggested Zack skip his mako injections until it passed completely.
"But that'll just make me weaker," Zack had complained.
"Then maybe you'll be more likely to listen to me and rest," Angeal had said.
Taikan often stopped by while Zack was sick and brought tea that helped him to sleep. If Zack was awake he would leave his bed and tiredly (but eagerly) ask for a favorite story, but if not, the two men would sit in the living room and talk. During one of these visits, Angeal decided to ask something he had been wondering.
"What's the age of consent in Anzen?"
If Taikan thought the question odd, he didn't let it show. "Eighteen."
"Really?" Angeal was surprised. "They're children one minute and consenting adults the next?"
The elder smiled. "Children become adults, usually, when we are not looking, and before we expect them to. Anzen's peace and isolation have allowed us to give our young ones a longer time of innocence and safety than most other places do. But it's never as simple as age, as a mere number. We only give them the opportunity to delay growing up a bit longer. I think you, in ShinRa, do the opposite."
"Young SOLDIERs do have to grow up pretty quickly," Angeal agreed. "But Sephiroth is an extreme case."
"I was not thinking of Sephiroth. I was thinking of Zack. He left his childhood eagerly, to be a SOLDIER, to become a hero. What happened to him has pushed him back to the feeling of helplessness he once ran from. But I think he is getting better. He's trying to be an adult again."
"He's not ready," Angeal said without meaning to.
"Sometimes they are ready to grow up before we're ready to let them. We fear losing what they are, and so we deny what they wish to become."
"Do you speak from experience?"
Taikan shook his head. "I have none of my own. But I have been a sort of grandfather to all the children born here."
"If you don't mind my asking, what happened to them?"
The elder looked mournfully at the walking stick he held on his lap. "When I told you that most of them simply grow up and move away, that was true. What became of some of them is not a topic any of us like to discuss. But I know now that I must tell you. Circumstances make it necessary.
"You see, Angeal, our way of life is a quiet one, even dull for young ones seeking adventure and danger. Several years ago, the last teenagers left in Anzen rebelled against our peace and formed...well, you might call it a cult."
"What kind of cult?"
"It began with Konnan. Such a troublesome boy, even in his early years. Like the others, he listened to my stories of Leviathan. But he was unsatisfied, and began to tell his own to the other children, making Leviathan not a kindly god but a powerful, vengeful spirit that could only be placated and harnessed by the offering of a terrible sacrifice. Many fell under Konnan's spell. He was a charismatic boy, very persuasive. A boy who had refused to join them disappeared, and Konnan and his gang were blamed for it. They were driven out of Anzen, but the whole business was a terrible shock to us. Some sent their young ones to live with relatives elsewhere in Wutai, for safe-keeping, and some simply refused to have more children."
The heaviness in Taikan's expression brought a twist of dread to Angeal's stomach. "Why is it necessary to tell me this now?"
"Because there are whispers that the cult has returned to this area. They may only be rumors brought on by old fear, but that is a chance you cannot take. You protect Zack with all your heart. You must keep doing so."
Angeal's heart was pounding, but he nodded solemnly. "I will. Thank you."
"Of course. I must go, but I will let you know if I hear anything. Please tell Zack I hope to see him soon."
Angeal walked Taikan to the door, then stopped him as he was about to depart. "The 'terrible sacrifice' the cult makes to Leviathan...what is it?"
"Blood," the elder said softly, painfully. "The kind of blood, unless I am mistaken, that your young charge had taken from him."
zazazaz
Taikan's news and the warning that came with it could not have come at a good time, as there was no such thing, but this one still seemed especially bad. Just when Zack seemed to be getting better, just when his eyes were starting to shine again with the energy Angeal had always found so endearing. He would have to tell him. An order to stay close and be more cautious would only frighten the boy if no reason for it was given, though Gaia only knew whether and how much this new threat would set him back.
Tomorrow, the commander resolved. I'll tell him tomorrow, first thing. Nothing will change. He'll cling a little more, maybe, that's all. The conscience that kept him from touching Zack any way but chastely was now assuring him that a brief delay would bring no harm, only give his puppy a few more hours without fear. Whatever the excuse, Angeal felt like a coward.
That night, he tried to tell himself it wasn't so. Maybe it wasn't brave to deny his desires (and Zack's too, if the boy's feelings were what he claimed), but it was the right thing to do, it had to be. Zack couldn't be ready for a relationship yet, he was merely confused. And yet Taikan's words haunted Angeal's mind. Sometimes they are ready to grow up before we are ready to let them. We fear losing what they are, and so we deny what they wish to become.
Angeal hadn't realized he'd fallen asleep at all until he was awoken by Zack's restless movement. It had become instinct for him to stir when the nightmares came, and he tightened his hold around the teenager and whispered "Ssh, it's all right." Even before the words were all out, he realized it was not that kind of dream. Zack was warmer than usual, not from the fever, breathing shallowly, and seemed torn between wanting more contact and wanting to pull away.
Oh Gaia, no. The boy's face was unconsciously nuzzling his chest, right over a nipple that was unhelpfully sensitive right now. His hands were wandering over his teacher's shoulders, maybe seeking a better grip. And between his legs, through the straining fabric, like a piece of ripe fruit ready to be plucked...
"Puppy."
"I'm awake." The voice was trembling, frightened.
"Do you want me to go for a few minutes so you can...or I can stay if you want me to."
Zack hid his face in Angeal's T-shirt and began to cry. There were a few mumbled words with the tears, but the commander caught only one: "Bad."
It can't be. He's seventeen now, we've been here nearly a year and a half, he's still not doing this on his own?
"Pup, I thought we cleared this up. It's not bad. Haven't you been...hasn't this been happening?" Angeal asked desperately.
"Yes," Zack gasped, "but then I think of them and it goes away. It's not working, I can't think of anything but - " His hands fell from the broad shoulders, and he began to move away. "I'm sorry."
Angeal gently caught him and brought the boy directly onto his lap. He usually avoided having Zack on top of the part of him that the kid's closeness tended to excite, but he was thinking of Zack's unnecessary guilt right now and not the hip that was gently pressing him. It was behaving and remaining flaccid, for now.
"It's okay, Zack. I wish you had told me, I want to help you."
"You shouldn't have to deal with this."
"Pup, there is no part of you that could ever offend me. There is no part of you that I don't care about." Whatever the morality of this, Angeal could not continue to let Zack think of this as something shameful. Crushes fade with time (if it was indeed just a crush); this problem would have to be worked through to make it go away. "Let me help, all right?"
Zack hesitated, clung tighter, but nodded. "O-Okay."
"Let's get these off, all right? To make it easier."
Fighting to breathe quietly, Angeal took hold of Zack's boxers and began to gently tug them down his legs. Zack stifled a moan as the cloth rubbed him on its way off, and pressed his face against Angeal's neck, not knowing how sensitively his teacher felt the touch of those wet cheeks and quivering lips. Angeal tossed the shorts to the end of the bed and put his hand on Zack's legs, spreading them just a bit to soothingly caress a smooth inner thigh. All those squats had sculpted the limbs into something worthy of a marble statue.
"Bad," Zack whimpered, and pressed a fist to his temple as though to crush the thoughts of his mentor out of his head. "I can't stop - "
"It's not bad." Angeal took the fist, which unclenched for him, and brought it back to his shoulder. "I want you to think about whatever helps. You can think about me."
Zack's upper body was twisted, so that though he sat sideways on Angeal's lap, their chests were nearly pressed together. Angeal had one arm looped around the boy's slender waist, and with the other took Zack's hand and slipped it under the boy's shirt, guiding him over the flat abdomen and stomach.
"Feel how soft you are," the commander whispered, "how perfectly formed. Our bodies are meant to give us pleasure, and there's nothing wrong with that."
"Angeal...oh Gaia..."
Their hands descended, and Angeal spread Zack's fingers apart to cup the heavy balls. "This is natural, Puppy. This is where life comes from. And these feelings remind us that we are alive."
The boy's mouth opened against Angeal's neck, sending a shiver through him, and the groans he made passed directly through Angeal's skin into his soul. It should have hurt, the idea of what they were doing and the trauma that made it necessary should have been as agonizing as ever. But despite all that, this felt right. It felt like the goal and fulfillment of everything Zack had ever been to him, little brother and student and adopted child, the thing Zack was both trying to be and running from in fear.
Keeping his eyes on their hands, unable to look away, Angeal put his lips close to Zack's ear. "You see, Pup? You can feel good without anything bad happening. This is pure. You are still pure, Zack. You are the same person you have always been."
The boy let out a choked sob and shook his head against Angeal's shoulder.
"You are. You are the same person I have always loved, and always will."
"Not...bad?" The timid question held a million more behind and within itself. Not wrong? Not dirty? Not soiled? Not broken? Not my fault?
"Not bad. Never bad." The commander threaded his fingers into Zack's hair and drew his head closer, bringing the face back between his jaw and shoulder. "You don't know how precious you are to me. You don't know how beautiful you are."
Zack's mouth latched onto the sensitive skin of Angeal's neck and sucked at it gently, seeking this comforting touch as instinctively as a baby at his mother's breast. They moaned with pleasure at the same time, and Angeal pet his hair to encourage him, shuddering as the sweet lips moved on him and the tongue lapped. The 1st tried to keep his composure, tried to remember that none of this was for him. But it felt so damn good, and he didn't think he could deny Zack anything.
"Beautiful," he whispered again. "Believe me, Puppy. I'm your teacher, but I'm not blind."
Now he arranged Zack's hand around the shaft itself, held there and supported by his own. A gentle stroke, up and down over the hairless and smooth skin that Angeal's fingertips had brief direct contact with. The boy's back arched, and his head fell into its previous place on his shoulder. One look at his face broke Angeal's control and hardened him instantly. The jewel-like eyes were heavy-lidded and glazed with arousal, the cheeks flushed slightly, the pink lips moist and parted. Another stroke, the eyes rolled back, and Angeal knew his own desire must be laid bare in his expression.
Zack's free hand went to the back of his neck and tugged him down, and as their lips met, Angeal could no longer think of a single reason why this shouldn't happen. Zack's mouth remained closed for a moment, kissing chastely out of hesitation or inexperience, but when it opened Angeal's did the same. Zack stopped there, not seeking out but submissively, trustingly waiting for his teacher to find him. Waiting to be taught, and that should have hurt too, a reminder of the boy's youth and vulnerability. But Angeal felt only love and need and a fire of protectiveness, and gently his tongue teased Zack's out of hiding.
"Mmm, mmm..."
Zack was growing more confident, more insistent, pulling himself closer. His hand began to move on its own over his erection, in a rhythm that Angeal needed only to follow. This was how it was supposed to be, Zack working himself toward the pleasure that his youth was meant to be full of. Angeal would have smiled or encouraged, but his tongue was protruding from his mouth now and Zack's lips were around it, sucking hungrily. The clasped hands jerked faster and harder, the boy was shaking, and with a cry of surrender the entwined fingers were slick with white. At the same moment, Angeal thrust against Zack's hip as subtly as he could, and his shorts were soaked.
The boy's body went limp and heavy, relaxing into the arms that cradled him. Angeal grabbed some tissues from the box beside the bed and gently cleaned Zack off. He debated just going to sleep, but the night was unusually cold, and Zack was already deeply under, enough to move him a little. Angeal carefully put him down on the clean blankets and got a pair of warmer pajamas from the dresser. Zack stirred a little as he was dressed, but once back in his teacher's embrace he snuggled and let out a contented sigh.
We'll talk in the morning, Angeal told himself as his eyes shut wearily. In the morning, we'll figure everything out.
zazazaz
It was dark when Zack awoke and carefully untangled himself from the protective arms of his sleeping mentor. He didn't check the time, feeling annoyed that he couldn't even make a good guess as to the hour. He had grown used to the enhanced senses mako had given him, and without it he felt weak, like he was very slowly going blind.
Zack smiled down at Angeal, his heart aching with love for the man who was so gruff to everyone else and so gentle to him. To think Angeal cared enough to have done that...to think Angeal didn't blame him for anything, had called him pure and beautiful. Zack didn't think he was either, but if Angeal valued something in him, it must be there. The question was...what to do now? Would Angeal give them a chance? What if he wouldn't, if he was horrified and apologetic and didn't trust himself anymore?
He won't give me away, Zack reminded his rising panic. He promised. Angeal never breaks promises.
Another though occurred to him, even more horrifying - what if Angeal said yes, what if he wanted them to be together? It was what Zack wanted more than anything...but what if he couldn't do it? He had sought refuge in fantasies of Angeal entering him, wiping away the memory of Genesis's cruelty and Lazard's horrible gentleness. But what if it really happened, and he couldn't handle it? What if he froze up, or cried, or fought instinctively? Angeal would never touch him like that again, and worse, Angeal would be hurt.
Zack wanted to see Taikan, to whom he had said nothing of the rape but who nonetheless seemed to understand everything. Taikan's stories and herbal teas and kind smile had done so much to make Zack feel safer. But it was dark and the village was silent, and Zack wouldn't wake the elder up, though he had been told he could. His next thought was to go back to Angeal, curl up in those arms and that protective embrace, his favorite place in the world...but no, he had to figure this out first, he had to think.
Absently, his hand touched the blue stone he wore around his neck, and it made him think of Leviathan, of Taikan's insistence that he was favored by the god. Zack thought Taikan was probably just trying to comfort, but finding this stone had not felt random. He had felt compelled somehow to probe the mud with his fingers, and there was a sense of reassurance when he squeezed the pendant, like someone was with him. He had found it in water, "the healing element", Taikan had called it. Leviathan's element.
In that instant, Zack knew where he had to go. He grabbed the first shoes he saw, a pair of white slippers, and quietly hurried out, remembering this time to leave a note in case Angeal woke up before he returned.
The woods he had to pass through to get to the clearing were never inhabited by fiends, so Zack didn't think to bring his sword or any Items. As he stepped through the village streets and into the trees, Zack was grateful for the mako that lit up his eyes and allowed him to see his way through the night. Darkness and shadows still frightened him, but he pressed on as though driven by something, letting his mind wander a little to keep the fear at bay. He grumbled to himself about the mako treatments he had missed and his decreased strength, scolded himself for that stunt in the kitchen with the knife that had made Angeal so upset and horrified...Angeal. He wanted Angeal very badly and almost turned back, but just then, he was through the trees and into the clearing.
It was beautiful at night, made bluish by the light of a full moon, with the leaves rustling quietly and the stream like a flowing ribbon of silver. It was lovely, it reminded him of Sephiroth's hair, and for the first time since coming to Anzen, Zack felt homesick. Drawn to the stream and its clear, unspoiled water, he knelt down on the grassy bank and bowed his head. Could Leviathan really be here? The 3rd Class was just starting to feel ridiculous when a noise behind him made him jump up and spin around, going automatically into a fighting stance though he had no weapon but his fists.
It wasn't the great, snake-like guardian of Wutai that Zack had half-expected. It was five men - damn the low level of mako in his body, how could he have not sensed them sooner? - all in their early or mid-twenties, all strong-looking and dressed in somber black. Two of them were armed with strange swords, and Zack wondered quickly if these were the ninjas he'd heard about, but what were they doing here? His eyes passed over all this and over the tallest one, who seemed to be the leader, and then he froze.
One of them was roughly holding a boy in front of him, probably a few years younger than Zack, and had a sharp knife to his throat. The kid was deathly pale and whimpering, and the sight of him brought up more fear, but also the heroic instincts that had led Zack to SOLDIER in the first place.
"Who are you and what are you doing here?" he asked, trying to sound in control and not keep looking at the kid.
"I might ask you that," the leader said, looking at Zack in what seemed to be awe. "But I already know the answer. You see, my brothers? Do any of you doubt still? The god has made his own choice, and all that remains is for us to deliver it."
The leader stepped closer, and as his unkind, unremarkable features became clearer, it occurred to Zack that he was standing directly in a large patch of moonlight. They could see him perfectly, including his lack of armor or weapons. Zack cursed himself for being so unprepared, but the strangers were in fact not remotely concerned about him being a threat. They had taken notice of his age, and his fear for their captive. The leader, especially, approached without fear, causing Zack to take an involuntary step back.
The leader's breath caught in his throat, and he felt a tremendous excitement as he examined the young man before him. He was dressed all in white, the color of purity, but that was just the beginning.
"You wear a Leviathan's Tear," the leader said softly, pitching his voice so his comrades could hear clearly. "Do you see, brothers? A sign of the god's favor."
"Look at his eyes," one of them exclaimed. "The same color, like the water our lord was banished to by the envious gods."
They all murmured excitedly to one another, while the leader smiled strangely and Zack tried to summon up bravado and got only frightened silence. The look in those cold eyes was one he remembered from nightmares, and Angeal wasn't waking him up...No, he told himself, you're only seeing what you fear most.
"But Konnan," the man restraining the boy called, "we already have our sacrifice." He shook the kid a little, eliciting a heartbreaking whimper.
Pushing aside all fear of death and painful thoughts of Angeal, Zack spoke without hesitation. "Let him go. I'll take his place."
"You will come willingly?" Konnan asked, smiling with mock gentleness. (Like Lazard, Zack's memory shouted to him before he could shut it up.) "If we release that one, you'll go in his stead?"
"Yes."
"You see, brothers? Leviathan's chosen longs for his destiny, though he knows not what it is. This is the one he will reward us for, as he promised me. This is the one we have waited for."
"I agreed to take his place," Zack said, fighting to keep his voice steady. "Let him go."
"Of course. As soon as we assure your compliance. Bring me a yowai thorn."
Zack's Wutainese had gotten very good and he could speak it with near fluency, but that word was one he couldn't identify. It definitely wasn't a good thing, though, judging by the large green thorn the leader approached him with, with a sharp point that was red and looked poisonous.
"Wh-What is that?"
"Don't be afraid," Konnan said gently, evoking Lazard again. "This will just make you relax, and make everything easier. Hold out your arm."
"Let the kid go and I will."
"He will be released as soon as I prick you. Now, do as I say, or Warui will have no qualms at all about cutting the little brat's throat."
Zack offered his arm, trying in vain to seem calm as his sleeve was pushed up. Konnan's fingers lingered over the soft skin for a moment, as though in fascination, and then there was a pain like a sharp pinch. Zack saw with relief that the kid was released with a warning to tell no one of this if he valued his life, and disappeared into the trees. If he could make it to the village without encountering any fiends or getting lost, he would be fine.
Weakness was spreading through Zack's limbs like the warmth of a blanket, and he was about to automatically curse his decreased level of mako again when he realized it was the thorn, the substance that it had injected into his bloodstream. It relaxed all his muscles, dampened the panic, stopped the adrenaline that wouldn't have been enough anyway. His legs wobbled, then buckled, and the panic he could still summon flared as Konnan caught him and brought the boy's body to rest against his own. Something wasn't right - the look this man had had in his eyes, and now the way he was holding Zack, embracing him like Angeal would, running his fingers through the mussed spikes, speaking in a reverent tone.
"That's it. Mighty Leviathan, I thank you for this gift. It will be my pleasure to bring him to you."
"I bet it will," one of the others snickered.
"Do you dare imply that I am led by my own desires? Don't blaspheme. This one is pledged to Leviathan." Konnan lowered his face to breathe in the sweet smell of Zack's hair, to kiss his ear before whispering, "It is a pity. I would have liked more time with you. You are exquisite, but the god must be served."
Numb with horror, Zack realized what this man was going to do to him. He struggled hard, tried to shout, but the venom of the yowai thorn severely compromised his ability to do both. The men only laughed softly, and Konnan's hand gently explored his weak body, as Zack fought pathetically, helpless as he had been in years too long ago to remember.
"Seito, Fuyukai, get this place ready. We must begin at sunrise."
zazazaz
Angeal began to stir as the first rays of light were peering through the window. With eyes still closed, he groped for Zack, wanting to hold the boy a little longer. When he found nothing but empty sheets, the commander sat up rigidly, wide awake, and flew out of the bed. He searched the house, telling himself to be calm, Zack wouldn't have just gone off like that again after last time. Nothing, only a note on the kitchen table that did nothing to dampen his rising hysteria.
'Angeal, I'm sorry if you're worried. Don't be, I just needed to think by myself for awhile. I'll be back soon, and I'll be careful. I love you, however you feel about me. Zack.'
However I feel? Puppy, I love you so much it terrifies me.
And he was terrified now. Angeal's SOLDIER training cautioned logic, steadiness of nerves, no letting emotions get in the way of rationality. But Taikan's warning was blaring in his head like an alarm. What if that cult really had returned, and Zack ran into them? Weakened from sickness and reduced mako, unarmed, frightened, maybe being hurt or raped this very moment?
STOP IT!
Once certain that Zack was nowhere in the house or the back yard, Angeal raced down the long village street to Taikan's home. He had to bang on the door only a few times before the elder opened it, looking wide awake and immediately alarmed.
"What is it?"
"Please tell me Zack is here."
"No." Taikan's eyes widened. "He is missing?"
"Oh Gaia." Angeal rubbed furiously at his eyes. Now was not the time for tears, he needed to be able to see and think clearly. "If something's happened to him - "
"We must stay calm. Now, you're sure he's not at home?"
"Positive."
"He doesn't like to be anywhere else in the village without either you or me with him," Taikan continued. "He would not patrol for fiends alone, would he?"
"No, Zack's forbidden to take on monsters by himself. He hasn't been getting his usual mako lately and he's not used to fighting in this weakened state. Gaia, he didn't take his sword, he's completely defenseless - "
"You must be strong, my friend," the elder said firmly. "Zack is strong. According to our custom, he is a child, but he is not so in his mind and capability."
"Taikan," Angeal choked out, "that cult you told me about...what if...Zack was raped, that's why we're here, raped by my own friend because I didn't watch him well enough...if they...if it happens again..."
Taikan seemed unsuprised by the confession, though saddened. "If it is them, we have no time to waste. That clearing you use for training was their preferred spot for rituals."
"Thank you." Heart thudding loudly, Angeal turned to go.
"I will gather some things and follow you! My magic may be of help."
Angeal heard him but waited not a second longer. At a run, he could arrive in ten minutes. He prayed that he would be in time to keep his puppy from breaking further.
And...one more to go!