"Everybody dies. There's nothing you can do about it. Whether or not you eat six almonds a day. Whether or not you believe in God. (Although there's no question a belief in God would come in handy. It would be great to think there's a plan, and that everything happens for a reason. I don't happen to believe that. And every time one of my friends says to me, "Everything happens for a reason," I would like to smack her.)"

'I want to hide the truth'

The sun still, surprisingly, came up and shone down onto the wooden floor of his bedroom. No loud noises. No screams. No breaking glass. Just silence and sunshine. You would be forgiven for thinking that this all happened on another planet. It didn't.

It was peaceful and I wanted it to stay that way.

I was the only occupant in the bed and as I reached to touch his side, realising it was cold and that he'd left a while ago. I knew the day had to start. I couldn't procrastinate any longer.

Wearing yesterday's funeral clothes I clambered out of the empty bed and found myself heading downstairs, wary of whom I would bump into. I made my way into the living room where I'd mentally broke down last night and broken the majority of the stuff in their living room, I expected it to be chaos, pieces of smashed glass on the floor, shattered picture frames and ornaments scattered on the floor but instead, I was met with a room that was spotless, looking like a show home. No signs of a fight against myself.

"I cleaned it up" Stefan spoke to me from behind me; I jumped slightly out of shock of him appearing quietly and turned to face him.

"Stefan. I'm so..." I started but he interrupted me with a wave of his hand and a half smile.

"Honestly, it doesn't matter. It was just glass; they weren't anything of value, to any of us. You did what you needed to do, you got your anger out and you expressed it, maybe it wasn't so healthy. But you did it and do you feel better now for it?" He asked crossing his arms because he thought he was right. Stefan, as usual.

I guess he was right in some ways, I did feel better; it did feel like a weight had been lifted off my chest, like I could breathe a little again.

"Yeah… I do" I nodded, looking at the floor and back up to him, in a guilty manner.

"I've done a lot worse due to guilt and grief." He admitted.

I knew some of the things he'd done, awful things due to losing the people he loved, and it wasn't an excuse, nothing could excuse him from the devastation he'd caused. But I could understand why he'd lost control.

"We've all been worried about you, especially Elena and Caroline. They're at the grill if you want to go see them? Go have lunch with them" He spoke to me, with a little bit of a demand in his voice.

"Yeah, I will. Maybe later. I kinda want a shower and to get out of this dress"

He nodded and as I walked past him and headed towards the stairs I couldn't shake the guilt that I'd attempted to destroy his living room out of grief and he didn't seem to mind. I carried on up the stairs to Damon's empty room. Walking into his en-suite and running the bath. I could already see the steam from the small amount of water that had filled up his large bath.

Sighing, I got myself a towel ready for when I wanted to get out and then started to unzip the black dress I'd had on for the past day. Climbing into the bath as it continued to fill up.

The weird thing about Damon's bath was that it was surrounded by bottles of lotions, lotions that smelled too good to be described. Some that made me think of summer, and others that made me think of curling up by a fire in the harshness of winter. As the bath water grew higher and higher, almost swallowing my small frame, I turned the knob off and lay back, basking in the warmth.

I knew that time alone would allow me to think and maybe that wasn't such a good idea, it couldn't be a good idea to give someone who was so vulnerable and so broken time alone with her thoughts. But here I was.

I sank further into the bath, my chin almost under the water. Thinking about all the ways I could have saved him, all the ways I could have stopped him and he'd still be here, he'd still annoy me and make me happy. But I couldn't seem to stop thinking about all the ways I'd failed him as a friend and as his sister. I could feel a lone tear fall form my eye, down my cheek and into the bath water.

I'd sank further into the bath and now just my nose stuck out of the water, allowing me to breathe and for a couple of minutes whilst I lay there I wasn't so sure I actually wanted to breathe. I once again sank further into the bath, this time I was fully under the water. My eyes closed tight and every second or so a bubble would form and make its way to the top of the water.

It felt like I'd been under water for at least an hour before I began to grow tired and my thoughts had become muddled, which I preferred. There was nothing to focus on; his face had become an unclear image that floated around in my brain. I could feel myself losing consciousness under the water. I must have been under for at least 2 or maybe even 3 minutes and for some reason I couldn't bring myself to move from under the water. A part of me wanted to stay and drown with my thoughts and the saddest part was that I was more than ok with that to happen.

I couldn't feel anything; my arms or my legs. I could feel myself slipping away and even if I wanted to, there was nothing I could do to control it. Until I could feel a firm arm slip underneath the back of my head and pull my head from underneath the water. The first breath I took once I was free was a loud gasp for more air to replace what my lungs had been denied. I opened my eyes slightly to see Damon staring at me intensely; I could see a mixture of anger and sadness in his eyes. It was clear that despite what I had attempted to do to myself, it had hurt him in the process.

He wrapped a towel around my body and lifted me bridal style from the now cold water, walking back into his bedroom he sat me on the bed, wrapping the towel around me to keep me warm. He knelt in front of me and sighed.

"What the hell are you playing at?" He spoke to me with calmness, but I could hear the venom in his voice. He was angry and I understood why, I was angry with myself for even considering it.

He took part of the towel and began to dry my arms and the top part of my chest. He was soft when he touched me, as though I might break if he pressed too hard.

"I don't know" I whispered "I don't know what I'm doing anymore"

He stopped drying me with a small sigh "Out of everything that's happened to you, this is what's going to finish you off?"

"Maybe. I don't know anymore. He had his whole life in front of him, he'd gotten out of this town and I thought he was safe"

"You will move past this..." He tried to continue what I can only assume was the beginning of a long speech but I cut him off abruptly

"You all say the same thing. When something bad happens, everyone tells you to forget about it. But, I don't think you can forget that easily. You may be able to pretend you've forgotten, but I don't think anyone can completely forget"

"Nobody's asking you to forget him."

"Yes you are. You're telling me to get over it. How can I get over it Damon? He was my brother; he was the only family I had left. He died because I asked him to come back, because of me he was a vampire and because of me I had to kill him."

"Listen to me right now. You are stronger than this; this isn't going to end you. You're gonna pick yourself up from this and you'll be better because of it. When something bad happens, you have three options. You can either let it define you, let it destroy you or let it strengthen you?" He spoke to me with such a soft voice.

And in that moment of time, sat on his bed with my the cold water from my hair dripping down my back I couldn't decide which one I was going to choose.