Disclaimer: I don't own Grey's Anatomy, et al.
Chapter 2 – The Wind – Derek Shepherd
Derek awoke with a start, no differently than he had every night since he walked away from Meredith. His heart pounding out of his chest, his veins pulsing with adrenaline, his brow soaked with sweat, his scream filling the trailer in the middle of nowhere.
The nightmare was always the same. Derek stood in the deserted Gallery overlooking the OR. He had his hands pressed against the cool thick glass, his forehead resting between them as he peered down to watch Meredith's appendectomy through the intermittent fog of his breath on the window. Dr. Bailey stood facing him, she glanced up and nodded, his heart shook in his chest as she made the first incision.
His woman, his love, his life was open on the table.
Cut open.
She was vulnerable.
And so was he.
He watched as Dr. Bailey asked O'Malley a question. Derek kept his eyes trained on his back as O'Malley reached in to clamp the cecum. And that's when things spiraled out of control. The unexpected alarm of Meredith's monitors shocked everyone in the OR into action, and in that moment, Derek became more of an active participant in his dreamscape nightmare.
In an instant he was hit with a barrage fragmented images and sounds, snapping now like shutters of a camera – click, click, click – they flooded Derek's every nerve-ending with tension and adrenaline!
O'Malley's hands soaked in Meredith's crimson blood.
Dr. Bailey's alarmed eyes, the muffled tension in her raised voice through her surgical mask.
The Chief barging into the room.
Meredith's lifeless body on the table.
The pang, pang, pang of her screeching monitors.
Too insane to think, Derek pounded on the thick glass in front of him. The muted noise of his hands as they slapped against the cold glass was all Derek could hear over the Chief's muffled barks! Derek finally engaged the speaker, his mind was racing … would he lose her before they started this thing again … a life without her simply was no life at all!
"WHAT'S HAPPENING?" Derek screamed into the speaker.
"IT'S AN AIR EMBOLUS, WE'VE GOTTA GET HER OPEN!" boomed the Chief.
Without thinking, Derek stumbled out of the Gallery and ran! It was likely she would be stabilized by the time he got there, but he couldn't take that chance. So he ran! He careened down the hallway and pushed his way into the stairwell. And he ran! His heart rate accelerated and his blood pressure bubbled over like a forgotten pot of boiling water on high heat.
Derek barreled down the steps – it was only one flight – but he felt like he was running in circles, like he would never get to her in time! Suddenly he rounded the edge of the last landing and could see the final steps, but he slipped and fell, plummeting into the shadows of the stairwell and the deep recesses of his subconscious all at the same time! And then all was shapeless and hollow and he was falling far below into the devil's black lake … and that's where the nightmare ended.
He always woke up screaming Meredith's name.
Just thinking about it now, his heart was on fire – thumping wildly in his chest – beads of sweat covered his brow, except that he was chilled to the bone. Yet another reminder that he was indeed alone. The worst part about the nightmare was that it lacked a conclusion. And even though it was only a nightmare it was a hard prospect to swallow – to know that she might have perished in that space of time – and that he wasn't there to see her through. Of course each night he tried to stay with it a little longer, just to make it in time to the OR …but he never did … he never could run fast enough.
Derek closed his eyes once again and focused on his breathing, forcing himself to make shallow big breaths to steady his aching heart. But it was no use, he was up. He rolled over and peered at his bedside clock – it was just after midnight, he had been asleep for less than one hour – and he still had time to get some rest if he could coax himself back to sleep, right now. He rolled onto his back and closed his eyes once more. If he slept, he would be better for tomorrow.
Tomorrow loomed in the not too distant future now.
Tomorrow he and Addison would finalize their divorce.
Tomorrow he would see Meredith when she finally returned to work.
Tomorrow night maybe the dreamscape would dissolve for good, knowing Meredith was safe and sound.
Tomorrow he would be free.
Tomorrow he would be alone.
And that was the tomorrow that had him scared shitless – the one in which he ended up alone in front of everyone – when all he really wanted to do was …run and hide.
Except that he had already tried that … running. And that was no good either. Because in the end, running away from New York only prolonged the inevitable … dealing with Addison, his eventual divorce, his run-ins with that bastard Mark Sloan. All of his demons chased him down anyway. If only he dealt with it like a man in the first place … he wouldn't be in the predicament he was in now.
If only should be his new mantra.
If only he had severed ties with Addison in New York.
If only he had moved to Seattle as a free man.
If only he hadn't deceived Meredith when he first met her.
If only he wasn't such a coward.
If only he wasn't such a taker.
If only.
With this ugly range of thoughts volleying around in his head, there was no hope for sleep at this point … for he had grown accustomed to these late night sparring sessions with his subconscious and Derek knew he wasn't going to be the winner. So he opened his eyes to the reality of his life instead. Derek pushed himself up and leaned against the headboard, the trailer was dark and he was alone. Doc wasn't there talk with any longer and Addison had moved out weeks ago. All he could hear was his own raging heartbeat and the low growl of the wind as it passed back and forth all around the trailer.
He stared out into the meager space around him, his mind on fire now – blazing with contempt – for all the pain and despair he had caused both Meredith and Addison with his decisions … his deceit. Sure, it helped (in some bazaar alternate universe) that Addison had betrayed him first, but technically he was an adulterer now – not a sociopathic one like Addison – but really, he was no better than she. It was also true that Addison had shamed him first and when she showed up in Seattle, he really wanted nothing to do with her.
But then Bonnie got impaled on that fucking pole in that horrific train wreck and she asked Derek, of all people, to deliver her last words to her fiancé. She haunted him that night … 'if love was enough,' she said … even thinking about it now made him sick to his stomach. And after that, that very night, Derek became terrified that this strange, powerful, all-consuming love he had for Meredith … was somehow not enough. That she wasn't enough.
And yet, he knew that she was … deep down Derek knew he wouldn't have been able to live without Meredith. So he became a coward in the name of their love instead, because he was afraid to take the leap. He was afraid to open himself up to the idea of true love and soul mates. In the end, he cauterized the gaping hole left behind by his soul and he tried to heal it by somehow giving his marriage another chance … to somehow redeem himself and make good on his vows because he could never give Meredith what she so richly deserved … the love of a pure heart.
Derek leaned over and flipped the light switch on, his heart raced with that admission. Because he really did want Meredith, still. But he felt somehow after his lies to both her and himself that he would never be enough for her … and that was his real deep-rooted fear. How would he have ever been enough for her? He knew it was going to take time and strength to come to terms with leaving her again, but it would worth it because he would feel somehow blessed that he would not be the cause for her pain ever again.
He felt smothered all of a sudden and thought some fresh air would do him good – after all what was this land for – if not to crystallize his mind in the middle of the night. Hell, he moved out here for clarity, maybe now he would actually find some. He swung his legs over the side of the bed and lay his feet flat on the cold floor. He rubbed his hands over his face, stood and crossed the room; he grabbed a pair of socks and an extra fleece pullover. He walked – putting the socks on one step at a time – before he slipped the fleece over his head and grabbed a wool cap. He took a deep blue cashmere blanket from the small sofa and headed outside.
He stepped over the threshold of the warm trailer and into the cold, crisp, dark Seattle night. He sat down on one of the Adirondack chairs and covered himself with the blanket. He took a deep breath of the air – any attempt to quell his racing heart would be made – but it was no use, random thoughts flurried through his mind now with no end in sight.
What would tomorrow hold?
How would he make it through alone?
How in the world was he going to survive it at all … without Meredith?
Derek closed eyes and listened to the sounds all around him – Mother Nature at her finest – without interruption, for he was a captive audience and somehow she knew that. He was calmed; the nightmare had receded like the water after a storm. The wind moved over the clearing; his mind rolled over Doc for a split-second and his heart sank – lower, lower, lower – until he hit ground zero.
Then, as if on command he heard the nightingale's predictable serenade and he focused on that instead – for it pulled him from the deep recesses of his depression – and as he listened he suddenly didn't feel so lonely. He sighed into the cold night air; the wind whipped up and over him and a small smile formed on his tight lips as he pressed them together.
He supposed over time he would heal, just like a patient after surgery, for time heals all wounds. And maybe once he grew from his mistakes he would be able to find some facet of joy in his life again. Yeah time, it was all anyone really needed.
Derek just needed time.
Time to adjust to being alone.
Time for the nightmare to dissipate.
Time to be free.
And time to figure out how he'd lost everything in between finding and losing Meredith Grey.
Chapter 3 to follow.