Author's Notes: Well just a short little note I wanted to give the Joker two little quirks for fun. He gives his knives names. They're names associated with famed killers/murderers in history (in this chapter I used Elizabeth Báthory a.k.a. the Blood Countess and Belle Gunness a.k.a. The Black Widow) but he doesn't use direct names all the time more like nicknames alluding to them. Also he has a stuffed bear which he names Bruce. I got that little idea from a comic (which for the life of me can't remember/find out where it's from) which the Joker goes through regression therapy in Arkham and they give him a teddy bear to ease his stress. Anyway enjoy the chapter.
Suddenly a set of head lights illuminated the two of them, before the man could pull the trigger tires screeched forward and sped toward them! Batman instinctively jumped out of the way but the man in the blue helmet was less fortunate as he was ran over and lay on top of the Batmobile's hood, nearly cracking the window shield. The vigilante ran to his car as soon as it came to a sudden and screeching halt. He immediately went to the man and saw that he was barely alive but suffered tremendous trauma from being hit by the Batmobile.
"Whoa Bats! Did you do that?" asked Harley in disbelief after seeing the famed black car run over a person.
The hull opened and the two of them saw a giggling Joker in the driver's seat. "Man what a rush! That was more fun than I ever imagined! What a thrill!" cheered the Joker.
Harley saw that he was injured and she immediately went to him. "Puddin' you're bleeding! Are you okay?!" she cried as she hopped in the car and hugged him.
"Get – off me you dumb broad! If you keep suffocating me like this I'll probably be dead!"
"I'm sorry baby!" she yelped as she backed off. She noted he really was hurt, though he would smile through the pain. Joker looked to Harley and then to Batman. He saw that they were injured as well. Batman was gathering all the men and tied them up for the police to apprehend, he was careful with the one who seemed to be the group leader for he was just a mess of broken bones.
"You two couldn't take care of six normal thugs thinking they could play in the big leagues?! Honestly I'm so disappointed," he chuckled to himself.
Batman stared incredulously at the smiling clown, came to his car and saw that there were numerous wires sticking out of the dashboard. "You hotwired my car?!"
"And a good thing I did! You were about to get your head blown off Batsy!" argued back the jester.
"You ran over someone, you could've killed him!" growled Batman as he grabbed the Joker by neck and lifted him up from the seat. The Joker immediately choked from being throttled in Batman's grip. But he managed to choke out laughs as he smiled.
"Oh – darling... I kill someone almost every night on the town. I thought – y-you knew me better…"
"Let go of him! You're hurting him!" shrieked Harley as she hit against Batman's back. In an act of his anger with the Joker he shoved him in the backseat, the clown groaned a bit from the impact. He coughed violently catching his breath but he managed to let out a weak laugh.
Batman needed to get the madman to a hospital to care to his injuries. He looked to the dashboard and saw that the clown damaged the autopilot system. "Great," he sighed. "I need to keep an eye on his condition, do you think you can drive?" he asked as he looked to Harley.
"Wait you sure you want that Batsy? You know how women get crazy… behind the wheel," he smiled weakly. The Joker's acidic green eyes closed shut but a faint smile was still on his red lips.
"PUDDIN'!" She pushed Batman out of the way and took the driver's seat. "Get in Bats!" she demanded as she turned on the ignition. Batman jumped in the back with the pale clown and soon Harley backed out and sped out the alleyway. He looked back and saw the red and blue from the police sirens flood the area and breathed in relief. At least those men would be arrested and given treatment for any injuries now.
Harley was good behind the wheel, but she was stressed and going fifty miles above the speed limit. "Slow down!" urged Batman.
"Not when my angel's hurt!" she swerved around a car and honked furiously at it. "GET OFF THE ROAD YOU DAMN SUNDAY DRIVER!" she screamed as she stuck her head out the window.
"Focus Quinn or you're going to get us killed!" growled Batman as he pulled Harley back in. He sighed and tried to ease himself from the situation. "Now ease up on the gas and drive to the hospital," he demanded.
"No can do Bats. My puddin' hates hospitals, especially doctors," she answered as she made a turn off a dirt road.
Before he could argue he heard Joker moan and writhe almost inaudibly. His expression was stressed but he kept a small smile through it all. The clown was in this situation because he failed to believe him. Guilt crept up inside the vigilante as he reached to take a look at his wounds. He laid the pale man carefully on his lap and began to take off his top clothing. Once his stark white skin was exposed he saw the damage from the gunshot and fall but also scars and bruises both old and new all over his body. He got the jester's shirt and used it as a rag to stop the bleeding but his eyes still wandered all over the clown's ghostly complexion that was tarnished by sickly marks and wounds.
Joker's eyelids fluttered open and looked around his surroundings. He saw he was half naked in Batman's lap and that he was looking down on his body. "Didn't know my bat was so straight forward and in the back of your car no less," he chuckled softly. Batman saw what he was insinuating and took him off his lap and propped him on the other side of the car. "At least take a guy out to dinner first Batsy," he laughed.
"That's not what was happening and you know it!" barked the bat.
"Says the man eyeing my body, like what you see sweetheart?" joked the clown with a wink.
"Hey what's going on back there?!" Harley demanded.
"Nothing my little punching bag just be a good girl and get daddy home," Joker smiled innocently.
"Don't worry puddin' your Harley girl's got this covered!" she beamed as she stepped on the gas.
Soon Harley parked the Batmobile beside an abandoned warehouse for a toy company that no longer existed. So this is where they were hiding out, Batman noted the location and carried the Joker out of the car. Harley went on ahead to get things prepared inside. When she was gone Joker pressed himself onto the armored torso of the bat. "Oh my knight in black and kevlar armor," the clown prince smiled.
"Stop that!" growled Batman as they went inside. He saw the makeshift home they made of the place. It was rundown but he guessed for criminals it was better than nothing. "We should've just gone to a hospital," he muttered to himself.
"Eh hospitals are overrated Bats, nothing beats a home remedy," scoffed the Joker with a grin.
"Over here Bats, I'm in the bedroom!" hollered Harley. He began to follow her voice when he heard Joker chuckle to himself.
"Bet this is the first time you hear a dame tell ya that eh Batsy," he joked. He did his best to ignore him.
Once there he laid him on the bed, nearly slipping on some toys that were on the ground. He saw things like rubber chickens, toy snakes out of their can, and a whoopie cushion scattered on the floor.
"Sorry about that, we weren't expecting company," smiled Harley as she kicked some of the toys under the bed.
"Do I want to ask what you use these for?" Batman questioned.
"I wouldn't," Joker grinned. "Harley, go get Eliza," he commanded.
"Eliza?" the vigilante questioned.
"Mistah J likes to gives his knives names, wish he wouldn't use other dames though," Harley muttered bitterly as she retrieved a long skinny blade.
"Oh, you know it's just me being eccentric, you're the only doll I have eyes for," he smiled as he propped himself on the bed's headboard. "Now do daddy proud and get it out in the first try."
"Bats get the whiskey, there should be a bottle by the nightstand," Harley ordered as she aimed the point of the knife over the bullet hole. He did as he was told and opened it to have it ready. Harley took a deep breath and stabbed Eliza into the wound. The Joker gritted his teeth but a split second later he grinned.
"Mmm – my bloodthirsty… little minx," he moaned. Encouraged by his sensual grin she dug out the bullet and crashed her lips with his. He groaned a bit and nudged her off. "Not now, daddy's sore," he huffed finding himself short winded.
"I'm sorry I forgot puddin'. You just got you Harley girl revving!" she giggled.
"Do I really need to be here?" asked Batman rhetorically after seeing their sadistic display of affection.
"Jealous much?" smiled Joker. In response Batman merely started pouring the whiskey over his wound. The Joker winced and glared at Batman. "Well that answers my question. Harley, go get Belle ready!" he commanded.
"Yes puddin', right away," she said as she hurried out of the room.
"Let me guess, another knife?" asked Batman as he got a clean rag from the medical bag Harley had on standby and pressed it onto the wound.
"Yep, this next part kinda sucks but I'm used to it," commented Joker.
"Which is?"
"Need to cauterize the wound then stitch it," he replied factually.
"But you're not on any painkillers, it's going to hurt," the vigilante responded.
"Awww well aren't you sweet to worry about little old me. I've done this countless time darling, I'm quite used to the pain," he smiled.
"Hot knife coming through!" shouted Harley as she came in with a knife that was so hot that the metal seemed to glow. "You ready baby?"
Joker reached for the bottle of whiskey and took a huge gulp. "Go on do it!" She pressed the metal against the wound, closing it off the best she could. Batman stood in awe seeing how the Joker handled pain. His face was outlined in distress and pain but he grinned as he threw his head back and laughed insanely. Once Harley was done and stitched the injury and bandaged it, Joker's laughter became wheezy. He was out of breath as he laid himself down over the bed. Next Harley treated her own wound; Batman refused help and treated himself.
"Don't I need to tape down your ribs sweetie?" she asked.
"That's actually bad, he could catch pneumonia. It's best if he just rests, the breaks weren't too bad," stated Batman.
"He's right pumpkin, I'll be fine. Why don't you visit the weed for a bit and get some information on those background characters trying to take center stage."
"But puddin' I – I don't wanna leave you…"
"Bats and I need to talk, don't make me tell you again," he said in a low register as a menacing flame flickered in his stare.
"Okay Mistah J, I'll take the spare car," she said sadly. She began to walk off but she paused and reached for something on the counter and handed it to the Joker. It was an old stuffed teddy bear with brown fur and blue button eyes. "Here, I know you like hugging him when you're hurt," she said still frowning.
He took it and smiled a bit. "Now be a good girl and give daddy a smile." She obeyed and gave him a wide smile. "Atta girl, now go on." Harley skipped off with a brighter complexion leaving the two alone.
Batman couldn't help but to stare incredulously at the toy and the madman holding it. It was like seeing something innocent in the hands of something so vile and insane, it was strange. Then again the Joker was anything but normal. "I know you're just dying to ask, I sent her off since I know you're shy," Joker's voice broke through the Batman's thoughts. The knight still had his eyes fixated on the bear, the clown took notice. "What? You like it? It's just something they gave me in my earlier stays in Arkham, his name is Bruce," he smiled through his explanation. Batman stood dead silent after hearing that name, a shiver went down his spine but he tried to remain stoic. "Don't like the name? I don't know why but he looks like a Bruce, don't ya think?" asked Joker as he began to play with the toy the way a child would.
"Why did you save me?" Batman asked hoping to get off the subject of the bear. Joker put the bear down over his lap and sighed.
"You're feeling guilty aren't you? Well you shouldn't you know."
"You could've just let it happen, but instead you risked yourself for me. I thought you wanted me dead?"
"Heh, nobody kills my wingman but me. Seriously Batsy, who said I really wanted you dead?" he grinned.
"You constantly concoct series of deranged plans, you've stabbed me, beat me, shot me. What am I supposed to think?"
"True, I have done all those things to ya Bats," he replied nonchalantly.
"Then why save me?"
"The time will come when I will kill you when the game stops being fun or you snap out of whatever delusion that drives your sense of justice and kill me. I can't speak for you if and when the time comes but…" he paused and looked away as if unable to meet with the hero's eyes. "The day I win will actually be the saddest for me, so I have no intention to speed things up. That day where one of those scenarios happens will come naturally."
"Joker…" Batman was left speechless by that statement. He almost sounded sad; it was a sight to behold. But just as soon as it appeared it went away like a flash of lightning as a red smile overtook any other distinction of emotion.
"Well enough of all this talk. It's my bed time ya know; clowns need their beauty sleep. Shouldn't you be off figuring out just who these idiots are and what they want? I won't tolerate a bunch of nobodies ruining my play by sullying the stage with their presence," Joker said with a contorted grin.
"All right, don't make me have to come back for you, Joker," Batman said as he slipped back into his darker persona as he saw himself off.
"Wouldn't dream of it Batsy, I promise to be a good clown, scout's honor!" called out the Joker as the detective left. He waited until he heard the Batmobile drive off and started laughing softly to himself. "Too bad I was never in no scouts, eh Brucey," he chuckled as he held his toy.