The Cooper Neglect Theory
A/N: Everyone has been so very nice with favoriting and reviewing. I'm having a great time writing this, hope you enjoy my take on Amy and Sheldon in the backseat.
Chapter 4: The Follicular Extraction.
It smells funny in here.
Sheldon sat at his desk, head encased in cheap plastic, no doubt inhaling carcinogenic chemicals related to said cheap plastic. But he had a point to make, a line to draw in the sand. No second rate engineer was taking the parking spot he has had since he started working here. Why should a trivial matter such as not owning a vehicle be held against him? How could such a nice weekend turn into such a horrible Monday?
Sheldon was having an exceptional Sunday. He had awoken feeling he could take on the world. He poured himself some cereal from the low fiber end of the spectrum and hummed a little Next Gen theme music as he poured his milk. The sun seemed brighter, the air smelled sweeter and he slept better than he had in several days. He greeted Leonard heartily, and Leonard instead of being buoyed by his roommates great mood, became suspicious.
"What's going on with you this morning?" Leonard looked at him with knitted brows.
"What do you mean?"
"You're all…perky. Sheldon Cooper and the word perky should never be used together."
Sheldon gave Leonard a little shake of the head, but was smiling. "Leonard. Can't a man who is on the fast track to a Nobel, who has had a full required amount of REM sleep, and who has pulled off an epic prank on his sneaky, nosy friends be in a jovial mood?" He went back to humming the Next Gen theme under his breath.
Leonard had a suspicion that those were not the only reason Sheldon was in a particularly good mood. Raj had told him that Amy and Sheldon had seemed quite chummy the evening that he had tricked Raj and Howard. Raj reported some of those long silent glances between them and those special little smiles that they always exchanged. Raj was under the impression that the two had made up. Hopefully Sheldon was taking their advice and finally treating Amy decently. But who knew what tomorrow might bring when dealing with Sheldon Cooper and his giant ego.
When Sheldon got in the car, he allowed Leonard to listen to the radio on the way to the grocery store. Leonard was stunned, but took him up on the rare offer. Sheldon tolerated the off key caterwauling better than expected.
Once home, Sheldon even carried his fair share of the grocery bags upstairs. Leonard let it go without comment until the second floor. "So Sheldon, if I go into your bedroom, am I going to find a giant Sheldon sized pod in there?" He smirked.
Sheldon rolled his eyes at his best friend. "I have not been replaced by an alien life form. I don't know why you would think that anyway. I'm acting exactly how I act every day of the week." And with that he started whistling the Raider's March from Raider's of the Lost Ark. He didn't notice Leonard had stopped walking with his mouth agape until he reached the next floor.
That evening the gang all came over for dinner at 4A. Penny was not home yet, but was picking up the take out order on her way home from work. Amy was preparing tea for herself and Sheldon in the kitchen when Howard and Bernie sidled up to her, taking turns peeking towards the living room to make sure they wouldn't be overheard.
"How are things working out with you two?" Bernie asked as Howard played lookout.
"Great." Amy grinned. "I stuck to my guns, and he told me he admired and appreciated me. Though this was after he followed me to a club because he was being possessive and jealous."
"See, I told you he doesn't like to be ignored." It was Howard's turn to talk while Bernie watched the living room. "But like with every training technique, you are going to keep strong and follow through. Don't be afraid to swat that naughty puppy with a rolled up newspaper if you have to. This isn't a sitcom where all problems are tied up within thirty minutes."
In the living room Team Sheldon was also taking stock of the following week. "You and Amy seem to be in a better spot than you did on Wednesday night." Raj commented.
Sheldon rolled his eyes. "Are we going to talk about feelings again?"
"Talking about 'feelings' seemed to get you out of the doghouse faster than the patented Sheldon Cooper technique of denial and condescension." Leonard pointed out.
That was true, but Sheldon had used condescension and denial for so long, it was like second nature to him. He was about to deny that their advice was the reason Amy was no longer mad at him when Penny came in with dinner.
As they sat around eating, Amy turned to Sheldon. "Did I tell you that we found funding for the organization of estrogen-associated circuits in the mouse primary auditory cortex study?"
Sheldon looked at her as if she hadn't spoken. "The HO Gauge Society of Pasadena is having a silent auction and fundraising dinner next Saturday. Do you want to go?"
Amy frowned at him. She looked at Bernie, who nodded at her discreetly. Penny saw it though and kept watching what was unfolding.
Amy sat up straight and looked her boyfriend in the eye. "Sheldon, this funding means a lot to me. Why did you just ignore what I told you, to tell me about your interest instead?"
Sheldon was taken aback. Amy had called him out on something he had done in front of his friends. He wasn't very interested about her getting funding, but did care about the train auction. Oh dear lord, the "feelings". He ventured a glance at Raj on his usual cushion on the floor. He gave Sheldon a look and a tilt of the head, and then motioned with his head at Amy. Penny caught this as well. The plot thickened.
Sheldon let out a silent sigh. He felt like a hippy. "Amy, I am sorry that I did not seem enthusiastic about your news. I promise the next time you want to share something with me, I will gladly engage in the conversation." Penny looked at Sheldon like he had bugs coming out of his ears. "I am glad that you have received funding for your research project. Why don't we celebrate by going to the train auction?"
Amy smiled. Being a little assertive with Sheldon was working wonders. "Thank you Sheldon. That sounds nice. In fact, I will buy you dinner."
Penny glanced around at everybody, but no one seemed surprised at what Sheldon or Amy had just said. They just continued to eat quietly. "That was weird, right?" She asked no one in particular. They all just looked at her and returned to eating. Though Penny was right, it was weird for Sheldon to apologize to Amy, especially in front of everyone. But what was even stranger was that not a single, solitary person had told Penny about what was going on.
At work Monday, Sheldon finally balanced an equation that had stumped him for two days. He called Alex over to have someone witness his genius, and sent Amy a text asking about her day. It was turning out to be a great day. That was until lunch time.
That's when it all went down hill. Sheldon was in top form. He could excuse some cultural things Raj didn't know about, but not knowing the difference between vampires and zombies was inexcusable. He even earned a cookie from Leonard. But the news that the university was giving away the parking spot he had been assigned since he started at Cal Tech was inexcusable.
He argued with Wolowitz unproductively, so he had to take matters in his own hands. He went outside and sized the car up. It was a tiny car, for a tiny man, and he was a tall man in the prime of his life. He tried to push the offending car out of his parking spot, but it didn't budge. It just made his back hurt. He tried brawn, now it was time for brains.
Since he was forbidden to call President Seibert at home after the little misunderstanding with the suggestion boxes, he took a bus to his house. He rang the doorbell, and was sure he saw a curtain twitch, but no one came to the door. He peeked in through the mail slot and swore he could see the head of the university peering around the corner of the living room. He dropped the flap of the mail slot with a clang. He would call him when he got home.
On Tuesday he went to confront Howard in his lab. He wasn't in which frustrated him no end. But then he saw a red and gold gleam sitting on Howard's workstation. He saw that the lab was abandoned and grabbed the Iron Man mask. He smiled evilly. Muha ha ha! Howard wasn't using this, so he might as well take it. He stashed it in his drawer and went about his day. After Howard confronted him about it he placed it on his head, despite the funny smell and wore it all day.
He even wore it when he called Amy, though he could barely hear her and when he could it echo in the helmet. He was highly agitated and was pacing about his office when she came to pick him up.
"Sheldon, what's going on? Why are you wearing that robot mask?"
After explaining that it was Iron Man's helmet not a robot mask, Sheldon began to explain how he was being treated unfairly, when Amy interrupted him.
"Sheldon could you please take that off? I can only make out part of what you're saying."
Sheldon removed the helmet. His hair was sticking up in places, and Amy wondered if that was what he looked like after waking up in the morning. "The university gave my parking spot to Howard! Can you believe that? I have had that parking space for almost ten years, and Howard goes to the International Space Station and they just give it to him. Really? Monkeys and dogs have been to space!"
Amy knew that logically because Sheldon didn't have a vehicle, technically he didn't need a parking spot. She did understand that he felt betrayed that something given to him by the college was taken away from him and given to someone else. "I'm sorry Sheldon that does seem very unfair. Have you talked to someone at the university about it?"
"I have, but they told me I was being unreasonable. No, I need to take the matter into my own hands, and I may need your help." He looked down at her with crackling blue eyes, and she knew then that it wouldn't take much persuasion for Sheldon Cooper to turn her into a bad girl.
Amy was actually able to talk Sheldon out of some horrific acts of burglary and vandalism. She was able to stay on his side, yet try and help him see that deep down Howard was a friend and that he didn't ask for the spot to be given to him, it was the university ultimately who decided to do it. Sheldon simmered down, but made sure to hide Howard's helmet where he would never find it.
The next afternoon, the girl's were finishing lunch together and making small talk.
"And that is why you complain about the service after you get your meal, not before." Penny finished with an evil gleam in her eyes.
"He never thought his Alfredo tasted…off?" Amy was grimacing. She had a strong stomach but that was just wrong.
"Nope. So make sure your food and drink is safely on the table before complaining, and for God sake don't send it back after complaining either!"
Bernadette looked a bit green. "So anyway, Penny, who do you go to for waxing? The place I used to go went out of business."
"There's a little place downtown, they do a great job. My bikini zone has never looked better." Penny pulled her phone out of her purse. "Let me get you their number."
Amy let out a little half laugh. "You're joking right? It's late November, why would you be wearing a bikini?" She chuckled as she looked at her two blond friends, who were looking back at her puzzled.
"Just because you get a bikini wax, doesn't mean you do it only to wear a bikini. It's part of a personal grooming regimen. You know to look good for your…" Bernadette switched tactics. "Or you can do it to make you feel good about yourself."
Amy felt it again. The sting of being a social outcast. Not knowing that this was the norm for most women her age. Women in sexual relationships where their man may show interest in her bikini area. Unlike her and Sheldon. Well she was being more assertive nowadays. She made up her mind.
"Ladies, I think it's time to bend to societal pressures and get my lady bits in tip top shape. Who's with me?" She swung her very heavy purse around her neck. Because of Sheldon's call yesterday she forgot to turn in that change at the bank. Maybe she'll do that tomorrow. She jumped up from the table and started walking to the door.
Penny and Bernadette looked at each other. "It's the 1970's down there, isn't it?" Penny asked as Bernie nodded.
Later that night Amy was on her way to pick up an irate Sheldon. Amy was deep in thought. She didn't know what pained her more, the hurtful things Bernadette said to her, or her burning nether regions. Why do people pay money to have this done to them? Amy normally had a long fuse, but Bernadette really made her angry this evening. When he makes a worthwhile contribution to science, huh? Theoretical sex? Howard had angered Sheldon as well with his little naked stunt involving Sheldon's cushion and laptop. Those two had gone too far.
They had to stop to pick up the spray paint, but Sheldon had already made the stencil at home. As Sheldon sprayed his name on the cement slab, Amy looked at her rule breaking, rebel man. Amy was pumped full of adrenaline; she had never done anything of a criminal nature before. It made her feel alive and adventurous, she couldn't stand still.
Sheldon admired his paint job. "Oh yeah. OK, now pull your car into the spot and let's get out of here."
A little of Amy's adrenaline disappeared. "Wait, I'm leaving my car here?"
"Yes and be sure to put on the emergency brake. Really makes these things tough to budge."
Amy was overcome by longing for her bad boy. The girls said you get a wax job for your man. I wonder if he will appreciate this as much as the girls say their men do? She then thought about what Bernadette said about having sex in the parking spot with Howard. Game on sister! "Before I park, come to the back seat. I want to show you something I had done today."
Sheldon remembered he had promised he would take an interest in things she wanted to share with him. Truth be known most topics Amy brought up were exciting and informative. He was game for it. "All right, color me intrigued."
His girlfriend disappeared into the car. He opened the passenger side rear door and closed it behind him. The car's interior was dim, but the parking lot lamp shone through the rear window. He looked Amy in the face as he turned towards her. She took a shaky breath and motioned to her lap and asked, "What do you think?"
Sheldon glanced down to where Amy's skirt normally was, except it was hiked up around her waist. Her blue tights were down around her knees. There was also some leopard patterned cloth there as well. He gulped as he realized it was her underpants. Which meant…? His wide eyes were drawn to the unclothed apex of her thighs. The first time he saw a naked woman he scrutinized the image purely out of scientific curiosity. Since then he had seen naked women on movies, but had never even thought twice about them. But this, oh boy, this was different. Had Amy turned the heater on before she got in the car? He didn't see her start the car, and his Vulcan hearing would have heard the engine running. Geez it was getting warm in here. Why are her thighs covered in bandages? Is she injured? What happened? Am I sweating? Wait is she trying to have coitus with me now? Here in the parking lot? I'm not ready for this! Not here!
"I think you're high on paint fumes. And boy, that's a lot of Band-aids." He tore his gaze from her hips and looked her in the eye.
Amy knew the odds were against her luring Sheldon to a night of ecstasy in the back of her car. She didn't know what she was thinking. She had just gotten caught up with take charge Sheldon and all the adrenaline. What a fool she was. She pulled her underwear and tights over her hips and winced.
"Amy, are you in discomfort? Why do you have so many bandages on your thighs and pubis?" Sheldon seemed genuinely concerned for her well being.
"I had a bikini wax today Sheldon. It's what we ladies do."
"Why? It seems like a very painful unnecessary procedure."
"It's supposed to make women aesthetically pleasing to their mates. I thought you might like it."
"Amy, I would much prefer that you were pain free and happy with the way you look, than to undergo a treatment to conform to society's idea of 'beautiful'. You don't have to do such things to make me think of you as 'aesthetically pleasing'".
Wait a minute, did Sheldon Cooper just say that I'm pretty in his own roundabout way? She smiled warmly at her boyfriend."Thank you Sheldon. You're aesthetically pleasing as well."
He smiled smugly. "I know."
A/N: Now, I know what you're thinking. Next episode is Fish Guts. Well I had to tell a different story first and then Fish Guts. In Egg Salad Equivalency they mention that although Giant Jenga is fun, Tiny Twister was a bust. Check out the next chapter to see why. Are you enjoying this season six retrospect? Let me know!