The weight in her chest was oppressive and she couldn't draw a breath around it.
Cal was not a man to do anything half-assed. He threw his passion full force into everything. His education, his science, his family…and her.
Oh my God.
She took a tiny step backward and watched as he shifted on the couch to face away from her.
Her agonized breath was still elusive.
Oh my God.
Gillian took a few more steps away, the backs of her knees bumping into his luggage.
He really was going. And it was because of her.
The breath suddenly came to her, searing her throat and lungs as her eyes blurred. The sobs were silent, painful, cruelly racking her body. Tremors ran through her muscles, threatening collapse. One hand reached out to steady herself against the wall of the entry.
He loved her. No. He was in love with her.
Did she love him? Very much so. But in that way? She honestly wasn't sure. She'd been so busy staying on her side of their self-imposed line that she'd never contemplated it. The subject had always seemed taboo.
Gillian turned abruptly, almost stumbling when her heel snagged at the edge of the carpet. Tears coursed down her face as she let herself out.
(BREAK)
Cal sat near the gate waiting for his flight number to be called. The hollow feeling was back, his emotions having temporarily dried into parchment. A big part of that involved not thinking. Damn it was hard.
For the thousandth time, he wondered if he was doing the right thing. A huge part of him thought so but the other part thought him a coward. But it wasn't like he'd be gone for good. Just a few months. A university quarter. Not long at all.
Leaning forward, he massaged his temples in an attempt to ward off the resurgence of the morning's killer headache. Aspirin was wearing off early. The alcohol had left a lovely hangover but had also left the added bonus of all his memories from the previous night.
The fear in Gillian's eyes. He didn't know what happened. Some dark part of him that hadn't seen the light of day for years had reared up, but only for a moment. A moment too long.
Fuck! Not supposed to think.
He bit back nausea and tried to wipe those thoughts away.
He'd never really considered teaching. Never thought he'd have the patience for it. But after he'd contacted UCLA about the speaking engagement, one thing had led to another and they'd offered him an adjunct professor position for the quarter. He expected that it might be a long 10 weeks but then again, if he was buried up to his eyeballs in papers and students, he wouldn't have a lot of time to think about everything else turning to shit. That was the theory at least.
He let out a sigh, moving his fingers from his temples to his burning eyes and pushing until lights flickered behind them.
What was she doing right now? At the office no doubt. Going on with business because that's what she always did. On with the show and all that.
She hadn't left right away last night. He could feel her shock heavy in the room, probably the pity that he feared was there too. But he couldn't look at her. Couldn't bear to read it all over her face, so like a coward, he'd simply blocked out her presence. And then she left. He'd heard her lock the door behind her. Most people wouldn't have taken the time to do that. Most people weren't Gillian.
His stomach began to clench painfully.
So much for not thinking.
(BREAK)
Gillian arrived early, intent on taking care of some paperwork that had been plaguing her. She already decided just to tell the staff that Lightman was taking some personal time and that's where it stood until she heard otherwise at least. There would still be those questioning looks but she was prepared to slip her own personal mask on and hoped that they wouldn't see through the cracks.
Firing up the computer, she waited impatiently for it to go through its cycles and allow her access. By burying herself in her work she hoped that she would not think about last night's events. Not think about the agony and sadness on his face or that trace amount of darkness that had her heart pumping harder or his desperate kiss that told her everything without him having to use his words.
The computer screen suddenly went blurry before she pushed against her eyes with the heel of her hand. Maybe she just needed reading glasses. That had to be it. She wiped at her eyes again in annoyance as the torrent started all over again.
And here she thought she was cried out. The previous evening had passed in a haze of tears that varied between choked sobs and quiet streams. At this rate, dehydration seemed to be inevitable.
He was probably on his way to L.A. now. Oddly enough, it was her old stomping grounds. Cal had also mentioned living there for a time many moons ago. She had always had the impression that he didn't care for it. Maybe she'd been wrong. Seems that she'd been wrong about a lot of things.
He was in love with her.
With a sniffle, she realized that it explained a lot. Especially his behavior regarding Dave. God, she'd been so damned blind. Maybe she just hadn't wanted to see it. Hadn't wanted to complicate things. Hell, maybe he wasn't even aware of it himself until recently. His actions made sense now. He'd wanted to distance himself emotionally and when that didn't work, physically.
Gillian hated feeling helpless.
And then there were own burgeoning emotions. She was having a difficult time pulling back and looking at them objectively. They currently existed only as a confusing jumble in her heart and in her head. One thing she did know, however, was that she already missed him.
Of course there was one full proof way to bring him back but she needed to be completely honest with herself first. Anything less would be disingenuous, if not just plain cruel to Cal. And she wasn't willing to do that.
Just a transition chapter. Hope it wasn't too boring!