And……I'm back! Sorry for the distraction, but the idea for Dilemmas just hit me one day and you all know how I get…Anywho, and now back to the show!
P.S. I do not own The Office or anything mentioned in this story. Wish I did, but I didn't. All I own is a FANTABULOUS friendship bracelet that my friend made for me at camp…If you're reading this, Love ya, Liz!
The camera shows everyone in the conference room again. Michael is leading a seminar.
MICHAEL: Guys, you know how you can't drink and drive? Well, you can't drink and sell paper. I'm sorry, it's news to me too, but To- he looks at Holly. Sorry. It's just…No, you can't.
CREED: Question. How drunk is too drunk for work? Because I'm a nit buzzed right now.
MICHAEL: Creed, look, it's just…I know from experience, it's a lot harder to sell paper when you're drunk. I know, I've tried.
JIM: You know what, Michael, maybe it would help things if you told a personal story about that. And speak really slowly.
MICHAEL: Alright! If that's what it takes! JIM pulls a pad of paper and a pencil out of his briefcase. DWIGHT looks around.
DWIGHT: Michael, should I be taking notes? He fishes around in his briefcase but cannot find a pad or a pencil. He looks at Jim's pad, which we see says "Dwight Shrute, ARM." Jim, you took my notepad, didn't you?
JIM: Oh, what? Sorry, Dwight, wasn't listening.
MICHAEL: Dwight, stop…stop being an idiot, Dwight. No one cares.
JIM: So, what was this great story you were about to tell us? KEVIN smiles.
KEVIN (TH): I love drunk stories. I tell them all the time.
KELLY: Oh my God, I have the best drunk story. So it was the day before Valentines Day, and this really cute guy I worked with asked me out, so I had a few Cosmos, and I got really, really drunk. So then the Cosmo I'm drinking spills all over my dress, and the guy starts laughing, and then I start laughing and…she stops smiling. You know what? He turned out to be a total jerk. I like Daryl so much better. Oh! I have a great story about my first date with him! So he asked me out, and this time, I had a few Appletinis, and-
Conference roomMICHAEL: So, this was a few years ago, long time ago, I doubt any of you were here. Except maybe Creed. Anyway, Jan calls me and says she's in Scranton and asks me if I want to go to lunch. Jim starts writing. So we go to Chilis, and we start talking, and we drink a bit, and we actually hook up in the bathroom, and-
JIM: Wait, could you repeat that?
MICHAEL: We hooked up in the bathroom. ANDY pumps his fist in the air.
ANGELA: Michael, this is inappropriate. No one wants to hear about this. PHYLLIS glares at ANGELA.
HOLLY: Michael, Angela's right. You really shouldn't-
MICHAEL: Sorry, sorry, I'm getting off the topic. So I get to the office, and I get really confused since Pam isn't there, and I start to think I'm in the wrong office, and –
PHYLLIS: I remember. You tripped over your pant legs and spun into my desk. Papers were everywhere.
MICHAEL: That's not because I was drunk, that's because I thought it would be funny. PHYLLIS looks down. ANGELA smirks.
JIM: I remember this, too. Michael, wasn't that just a month ago?
KEVIN: Yeah, Michael. I remember it too.
HOLLY: It doesn't matter when it was, the point is that you can't be drunk at work. No exceptions.
CREED: I don't see what all the fuss is about. I mean, booze never killed anyone.
MICHAEL: Stop it! Everyone, just…Sha! Everyone stares. Awkward silence.
Still awkward. MICHAEL pulls up a chair and sits down.
MICHAEL: Look, I just…he sighs. I didn't even want to do this, but Ryan had to go and-
KELLY: Ryan's a total jerk.
KELLY (TH): Yeah, I visited Ryan in Prison. And he was all, "Do I know you?" And I was like, "You totally know me. I'm your ex-girlfriend, remember?" And then he was all, "Oh, yeah, Christie, right?" And I got so mad at him…Well, he's not going on any dates in prison, that's for sure.
Conference room.
MICHAEL: This is all Toby's fault!
JIM: Hasn't Toby been gone for three months?
MICHAEL: That's beside the point!
ANGELA: Look, we all need to go back to work. This thing is going on too long.
MICHAEL: That's what…he looks at Holly. Uh…That's what we're going to do. Great job today, everyone.
JIM: Just letting you know, this was really great.
MICHAEL: Uh… Alright! I think you all get it! No more booze!
JIM: Wow, that's really hard. Is that even possible?
MICHAEL: That's…uh…you'll have to cope, Jim. No more booze!
CREED: For how long?
MICHAEL: FOREVER!
JIM: Wow. That's really long. You sure you can keep that up?
MICHAEL: THAT'S WHAT SHE SAID! DWIGHT high-fives MICHAEL. Awkward silence. JIM makes his trademark face at the camera. HOLLY stares at MICHAEL.
JIM(TH): You know, it's been…three months since Michael's done that. He chuckles. You know, this isn't as much fun as I thought it would be. Something's missing.
Up next: How will Michael reveal his little joke obsession to Holly? Will Angela get fed up? Will Kelly ever let it go? Will Creed be even creepier? All that and more, if you review!
P.S. For my faithful Dilemmas readers: Sequel coming after I finish this. Actually, here is my priorities list:
Business Ethics
Dilemmas Sequel
30 Rock Jack/Liz fic (in the Others category)
Creedthoughts – or, at least, what I think he'd write!
Another Office story that stands, as of now, nameless in my mind,