Normandy Deck 1 – 0200 Hours
Kathryn sat up quickly, clutching at her chest as she breathed heavily, as though she had just finished running a Marathon. Her eyes began out of focus, swiveling across the room, illuminated by the blue glow of the fish-tank before they began to come back into focus, the mild enhancements by Cerberus bringing every detail into a higher fidelity than most humans would see in such light. She threw her comforters off, the cool air of the cabin nipping at the sweat which had developed across her entire body as she swiveled her legs to the floor, resting her elbows on her legs and scrubbing her face, wiping the cold sweat and fear from the nightmare off as best she could, but seeming to succeed in only one. Beside her, she felt a shift as the Turian next to her turned over, his voice deep and sub-vocals especially pronounced in his recently-awakened state.
"Kat, y'okay?"
Kathryn looked over her shoulder, sitting up and resting her hands on her thighs, breathing in as she did so, appreciating the feeling of the air in her lungs in contast to the airless, cold vacuum that she had awoken from. She spoke softly, her voice barely more than a whisper, though whether it was from her fatigue or fear of it cracking, she couldn't, wouldn't admit.
"Yeah, Garrus, I'm fine."
Again she felt the bed move behind her as Garrus sat up, moved himself next to her and sat down beside her, taking her hand in his as he did so, matching her gaze to the deck plating in front of them. Two years ago his hands would have felt alien, plated and scaly with too few fingers, but as eight fingers found homes within each other, it was nothing but comfortable. His voice had a slightly more normal sound to it, though his subvocals were still deeper than normal.
"Kathryn, we both know that's not true."
Shepard sighed, closing her eyes and bowing her head as she took in another deep breath and exhaled again, placing her other hand on top of Garrus', squeezing it ever so slightly. She chuckled slightly as she did so, looking up at garrus with a rye smile. Her voice was still quiet, feeling obligated by the soft hum of the ship around her than necessity.
"You always were on to me, weren't you, Vakarian?"
Garrus chuckled lowly in response, giving Kathryn's hand a small squeeze in response, causing her to blink slowly and smile again.
"I try. Now, what' bothering you?"
Shepard took in a third deep breath, in through her mouth and out through her nose, before turning and swiveling herself on the bed, sitting cross-legged in front of Garrus, who did as close to the Turian equivalent as he could, She reached out with her other hand and took his, feeling both points of connection poignantly as she began to talk, almost clinging to them for support. Emotional discussions were points of sore ineptitude for her, something she had tried for as long as she could remember to avoid, to pretend she didn't need. The vulnerability, the unpredictability of her emotions alarmed her, made her wary of acknowledging or even discussing them, refusing to open up sometimes to even herself for the sake of denying their capricious control over her. She held onto Garrus' hands as a boat to a peer in a storm, tying herself to his grip as she ventured into the raging storm that she had woken up to, knowing she needed to but fearing it no less for it. Her voice was stronger, voice overcoming whisper as she spoke earnestly, accepting whatever cracks would appear, looking between her hands and Garrus' ever-attentive eyes as she spoke, slowly.
"I had another nightmare, but not the forest one. This time it was… it was you. The rest of The Normandy crew."
Quietly tears began to fall as her trembling lips and watering eyes broke, the emotions that had been held at bay flooding through as she remembered the images, the sounds, such vivid dreams as she had not had since Akuze. Garrus squeezed her hand, rubbing his thumbs over the backs of her hand while she struggled to recompose herself, taking one hand away to wipe her face with the sheets next to her before she continued, her voice soft and struggling not to break as she spoke.
"You were, back. On Earth, I mean. At least, I think it was Earth, I don't know. But everything was burning, falling, you, the ship, the rest of the crew. And I…" Another gasp for breath as she fought down sobs "I wasn't there. I failed you. I failed… to win, to keep you safe…"
At this Shepard fell apart, her composure unwinding as the sobs racked her body, Garrus shifting slightly until he was next to her, his left arm reaching around her and bringing her close, rocking her body gently side to side while she cried and gasped and sobbed, pretested images of a future she never wanted to imagine against a universe which refused her rest, raging against a possibility she could not help but never admit but for these too quiet nights with too unknown futures. Eventually she calmed herself, her breaths still coming in ragged breaths but not unpredictable gasps as she reeled herself back in, wiping her eyes as she sat up, Garrus leaving one arm around her as she took his other one.
"Dammit, Garrus. I'm sorry. You don't, you shouldn't need to hear this."
"Shepard…"
"No, I need to be stronger. I shouldn't let something like my own emotions get in the way of you getting a good night's sleep, I'm sorry to wake you."
"Shepard, stop."
His voice was not loud, nor hard, but the statement was most certainly a command and not a request. She stopped, raising her head which had been staring through the bed directly in front of her to meet his eyes, peering deep into them as he returned her gaze. His voice softened as he continued, becoming softer, his subharmonics lower and playing with emotion.
"Shepard, how many more times to I have to sit at your six and tell you I'm here for you? I always have been, and always will be. I wouldn't be skipping into hell with you if I weren't. So stop saying I don't need to hear this, because I do. I am always here for you, whether it's killing reapers for you or shooting Cerberus for you or even just listening to Nightmares."
Shepard smiled slightly as Garrus' reply came through, appreciating the small cock-sure jokes he included. She knew he didn't mean them, that he was as serious as could be. But he also knew how uncomfortable vulnerability on this scale made her, and would do everything he could to help her through it, even if it meant throwing a few jokes in.
"Now, Kat, what's wrong."
Kathryn's smile left immediately and her eyes stared farther through the bead and the deck plating beneath it, farther through the ship and the great expanse beneath it into a thousand futures she could imagine where a thousand bullets killed her a thousand times, and a thousand more where Garrus' life was the one ended by a thousand bullets, and a million more where the Reapers won and the Galaxy fell because of her failure, because of her inadequacies. When she spoke, it was into Garrus' arm, with a voice that sound almost broken, as though resting on a last straw that had yet to crack when the weight of the galaxy fell on it.
"Dammit, Garrus, I'm scared."
"I'd be worried if you weren't."
Kathryn sat up, extricating herself from Garrus' arms as she stood up, walking over to the fishtank to stand in front of it, watching the fish drift lazily up and down in the water, hands crossed around her chest and head bowed into it.
"No, Garrus. I'm scared. Like I've never been before. I'm scared that I'm going to fail. Like I failed Ash. Like I failed you. Like I failed everybody on Akuze." Her voice got quieter as tears began to fall down her cheeks again, silently, concentrated fear and sorrow and desperate wish for better days streaming down her cheeks. "I'm so damn terrified, Garrus."
Garrus stood up, walked over to her softly, his un-booted feet much quieter on the exposed deck plating, stopping next to Shepard. He reached out and turned to her, pulling her in to a hug which she readily welcomed, the height difference causing her head to fall just below his cowl. Shepard continued, softly.
"I thought I had this under control after this morning, after the talks. But everything's going to hell, Garrus. It's all crumbling around us, and sometimes I don't think I can stop it. Even if I do, even if we win, what the hell is going to be left? Burnt worlds and broken people? Dammit I don't want that, I don't want that future. And it scares me, Garrus. The Reapers, the war, hell even the fact that I'm scared scares me, how screwed up is that?"
Garrus reached a hand up and started combing it through Kathryn's short dark-brown hair, running his talons through it as he spoke, softly, pressing his mouth plates to the top of her head as he did so.
"Kathryn, it's okay that you're scared. We all are. If you weren't scared of the sentient death machines, I think I'd be more worried. Everybody is scared of what's coming, what's happening, everybody doesn't know what will be left even if we win. That's okay."
"No, Garrus, not for me. I'm not allowed to be scared. The Commander can't be scared."
"Kat, I don't care what upgardes Cerberus gave you, you're still human. You're allowed to be scared, just like the rest of us. And even if you don't want to show it to the crew, I'm with you. You don't have to worry about not showing me. There's nothing weak in fear, just in letting it conquer you."
Kathryn looked up, her wet eyes looking Garrus in his as her tears dried out and the streams down her face slowed down. Her voice was bitter, angry, resentment of what she saw as her own weakness spitting out of it like acid, but aimed only at herself.
"Look at me, I'm breaking down! If this isn't letting it win, then I don't know what the hell is. I don't know who the hell is supposed to save the Galaxy, but it sure as hell isn't this wreck."
She tried to push away, angrily, but Garrus kept holding on, not tightly but just firmly enough to foil her escape attempt, the energy and passion and anger with which she tried to separate evaporating as quickly as it came.
"You're not letting it win, you're acknowledging it. Nothing wrong with that. I know you. You'll get up tomorrow and put on your armor and go down to Sur'kesh. You'll come back and we'll find a way to cure the genophage. Then you'll go around and you'll drum up support until we kick the Reapers back into whatever black hole they came from. But the entire time, Kat, you'll get up, and you'll make your rounds and you'll report in, and you'll answer every inane message you get and run every questionable mission Hackett sends you on, and you'll keep doing it day after day. Because you don't let fear conquer you. Letting fear win isn't not feeling fear, it's keeping on in face of it."
"I don't know if I can do that."
"I do, and I know you will. And I know I'll be here, every step of the way, to calibrate whatever needs calibrating and take every headshot you need taken."
Kathryn laughed slightly at the joke as his words sank in, bolstering her faltering confidence and giving her hope where previously she didn't feel she had any. His warmth radiated thorugh the thin sleeping shirt he wore and she could feel it against her body, hotter than a normal human body temperature. He believes in me, he honestly does. At least that makes one of us. But if he believes, then maybe that's enough.
Eventually she lifted her head, drying her eyes with his shirt as she spoke, taking a step back and putting her hands on her hips, her voice tentatively jocular.
"Did you just calibrate my emotions, Vakarian?"
Garrus' mandibles flared in a grin she had come to love and his head tilted slightly, his body leaning gently against the fish tank in a faux-swagger that gave him a lovably rogue appearance.
"Everything needs one now and then."
Garrus then stepped forwards, looking Shepard in the eye as he gripped her hands and she hers, and he continued, wrapping up the previous conversation in a tone that was much more serious than the few quips and jokes that had just been thrown around.
"Don't worry, Shepard. We'll make it through this. We're a team. There's no Vakarian without Shepard, and the Reapers better fear that."
Kathryn smiled weakly at Garrus, gripping his hands tightly as she spoke back, her voice gaining more strength.
"No Shepard without Vakarian."