Spike vs. Xander
Disclaimer: Joss Whedon owns Btvs
A/N: Well inspiration takes awhile and I was inspired to write this chapter cuz of the recent events on both Btvs and Ats. I laughed when I wrote this and hope you enjoy it too.
Spoilers: For Angel I think regarding Connor and Cordelia and a certain something.
~*~
Ch:4
Cordelia slowly circled Buffy, arms crossed over her ample bosom. Her blonde streaked hair moved with the light breeze and the small cold smile that was on her lips made for a frightening picture.
Buffy smiled widely as Cordelia finally paused facing Buffy and glared at her.
"You know what you are?" Cordelia finally asked.
"The Slayer?" Buffy asked laughing.
"A slut," Cordy spat.
"Ah watch the language Cordelia," Buffy warned. "Young people are present- oh! Wait that turns you on," Buffy exclaimed mockingly slapping a hand to her mouth.
"What's she talking about?" Xander asked aloud looking confused.
"Oh," Anya began excitedly but Cordy's voice cut her off.
"You would think that. I mean just because you're a Vampire Layer instead of Slayer doesn't mean we're all sluts like yourself," Cordy bit out frostily.
"Hey," Angel began to protest. "Just because she loved me doesn't make her a slut Cordy!"
Cordy sent him a look that could have turned him to dust; he took a quick step back having the unpleasant flashbacks to evil Cordy.
"You would think that. I happened to be talking about her lover Spike. That's right Angel! One wasn't enough for her!"
Buffy uncrossed her arms and bounced on the balls of her feet, a grim look passing over her face as she heard Angel sputter and start up for a huge rant.
Glaring at Cordy she raked her eyes up and down her.
What she saw made her shake her head.
"You know what? I can honestly say I used to respect that you were the original Queen C and with that came bitchiness in spades! But now what do I see? Tell me what I see Cordy," she demanded.
"Bitch," Cordy spat.
"Demon," Buffy retorted.
"Slut!" Cordy yelled.
"Um you used that already Cordelia," Willow couldn't help but point out.
"Whore!" Buffy yelled right back.
"Demon lover," Cordelia said smiling smugly.
"Mother of a demon spawn," Buffy growled advancing on Cordelia.
"Hey! He's a cute baby!" Fred exclaimed clearly offended.
"Oh right. Sorry Cordy for you know...your baby's cute. I saw pictures," Buffy was quick to apologize.
Cordy gave a shrug then smiled.
"I know he's adorable," she gushed.
Buffy smiled too.
"Hey luv we aren't here to watch the warm and fuzzies. S'let her 'ave it," Spike spoke up as he looked between the women expectantly.
Buffy sent him a quick look telling him to shut up.
"Well you know Cordy you really have no room to call me a slut I mean considering who you've slept with recently," Buffy responded reasonable.
"I was under the influence of evil!" Cordy yelled.
"What'd she do?" Xander asked again looking around.
"Don't you mean who'd she do? You realize Xander every woman you've dated has been a demon?" Anya asked as she gazed up at him love in her eyes.
"Huh?" he asked dumbly.
"She had sex with Angel's son," Willow spoke up then giving Cordelia a disgusted look.
Cordy blushed looking deeply ashamed.
"What?!" Xander yelled. "I thought he was a baby!"
"No honey he went to a hell dimension and turned into a sixteen year old boy," Anya mock whispered.
"Eighteen," Cordelia said defensively.
"Well..that's just ewwwwwwww. I mean Peaches is one thing but then to shag his son," Spike gagged shaking his head.
"Really, if anyone's a slut it would be you," Dawn piped up pointing at Cordelia.
"C'mon give her a break," Gunn snapped.
"Why? She came here with a chip on her shoulder," Buffy muttered as she realized Cordy looked to be on the verge tears.
"So what other baby was Buffy talking about?" Xander asked unable to get the image of a teenager with Angel's face out of his head. Especially the one where he and Cordy had....*gulp* sex.
"That's Cordy's baby," Angel spoke then, his voice cold and emotionless, much like his face.
Everyone stared at him waiting for him to finish.
He looked away, his face never changing as he ground out," With Connor my son."
Spike burst out laughing.
Buffy sent him a look.
"What?" he demanded between laughs. "It's funny! Did you hear him? It's like our own little incestuous version of Jerry Springer! Priceless! 'Not m'son but m'son's son! Who slept with his step mum who then had m'son's baby. M'grandson!' Oh Peaches....I thought I'd never see the day you got back what you deserved in spades! Oh bleedin' hell!"
Anya joined in on the laughter.
"Well that should tell you all to always wear a condom even while sleeping with a vampire's son," she choked out.
"Well at least Angel won't have to worry about having slept with his son's lover," Willow pointed out hesitantly eyeing them both.
Buffy laughed about to agree when she saw the looks on both Cordy and Angel's faces. Her laughter died a slow painful death.
"Angel too?" Buffy asked sickened.
"Well it's not like you can talk Buffy! You're sleeping with evil, soul les- "Angel began angrily glaring at Buffy.
"Hey now mate! I've gotta soul now! Nice and fresh like too. Shiny and untarnished and it 'appens to be my very own from back in the day! And I can have all the happies I want," Spike said cheerfully while he danced a little jig around Buffy, almost at the point of sticking his tongue out at the older vampire.
"Perhaps we-I've stepped through some portal that's transplanted me into a realm full of immature, childish people who laugh in the face of other people's pain and-who am I kidding? I dare say Cordelia that you and Angel's son having a baby is about the sickest thing I've heard in all my long years," Giles finally spoke gravely cleaning his glasses as he fought the urge to grab a bottle of Scotch from the stash Spike kept at the Summers house.
"Angel you know I didn't think you had it in you! When was this? After she'd slept with Connor or before? Cuz either way all I can say is ewwww," Buffy asked curiosly.
"After," Angel mumbled ducking his head and then glancing up quickly to defend himself. "Okay so I was Angelus-it was a mistake alright! A mistake- "
"A mistake?" Cordy erupted glaring at Angel who glared right back at her.
"Yes," he muttered. "A mistake! A huge, humongous-"
"Uh you do know that huge and humongous mean basically the same righ- shutting up now," Dawn began before she caught Angel's death glare. She ducked behind Buffy and figured she shouldn't speak again cuz obviously Angel hadn't forgotten what she'd done to his car.
"I thought it was the most significant moment of my life Angel," Cordy gushed.
Buffy looked perplexed.
"It was?" she asked dubiously.
"It was," Cordy responded reverently.
"Even when he does that thing with his lips-"Buffy began.
"Yes! That was amazing," Cordy agreed.
"Or when he uh...you know goes all grrrr?" Buffy asked baffled and oddly curious about Cordelia's experience.
"Oh that makes it even-"Cordy wanted to gush some more.
"M'ears! M'ears! M'ears! They're meltin', stop it! I don't wanna hear this," Spike screamed cutting her off, clutching his head running wildly around.
"Oh baby I'm sorry," Buffy apologized running to him. "It's just I can't believe it! I mean it was so -bleh compared to what you and I have," she said rubbing his back as he peeked up at her through his lashes.
"I know," he responded with his patent smirk and he wagged his eyebrows as he let out a growl and attacked her. "M'better than the poof, and don't you forget it," he growled as he nipped at her neck as they rolled around their front yard.
"Yes, well if you're quite finished reminiscing I suggest you-for goodness sakes Spike! Buffy! You are in your yard where everyone can see you!" Giles exploded his face red as he glared at the couple who were currently making out on the dried out grass.
"Xander let's go home and show eachother how much we love one another," Anya said loudly as she tugged on his arm.
He hesitated.
"Ahn not now, I wanna get this straight. Cordy you slept with Angel's son and then you--"
"I meant let's go have sex like Buffy and Spike are going to. Now!" Anya yelled as she began to drag him along with her.
"Geez Cordy I never knew you had it in you," Xander muttered shaking his head sadly as he let himself be dragged away. "The son and the father! I mean at least you weren't a demon when we went out-oh wait you were. I-"
"He's mine Cordelia! No matter what you want or who you sleep with to get Xander out of your system he's never coming back to you. I mean sure he left me at the altar and I wanted him dead for it but-as you can see we've moved past that! In fact-"
"Willow can I stay with you. Cuz it looks like it's going to be a long night at casa de Summers," Dawn asked interrupting Anya's rant as she watched a laughing Spike scoop Buffy into his arms and make a mad dash to the house slamming the door behind him.
Willow smiled widely.
"Sure Dawnie. We'll make it girl's night out. Hit the movies, go Bronzin', and when Buffy realizes you're gone she'll be in major guilty mode. Which means-"
"A trip to the mall," Willow and Dawn exclaimed in unison as they wandered after Xander and Anya.
Giles slowly put his glasses back on straightened his shirt and cleared his throat. He brushed past the AI crew and regarded the good sized crowd that had gathered.
"They are circus folk....You understand," he murmured stiffly before he hurried off.
Left alone on the Summers front yard the AI team looked around at eachother before they settled their eyes on their fearless leader who looked pained.
"Well that was interesting," Gunn commented before he looked at Angel's car then to his truck parked on the street. "Whoever wants shotgun better get a move on it," he yelled as he raced to his truck.
Fred and Cordy we're mere steps behind him.
Angel stood rooted to the spot glaring at the house.
The sounds he was hearing he was sure, Spike was making on purpose.
"How is this possible?" he wondered aloud and then shook his head. "I mean I was special. I was The Champion! I was the only souled vampire on the planet-now it's ruined," he was yelling now, waving his arms around and glaring at the people who were looking at him in fear and suspicion.
"D'you mind you bloody git," Spike poked his head out the front door. "M'workin' in here! Shut the hell up!"
Angel growled his face changing back to it's truest form, his yellow eyes flashing.
Screams rent the air as he turned on the crowd that had gathered.
"What are you staring at?!" he yelled as he turned with a swish of his black duster and stomped to his car.
Grimacing and muttering about stupid teenaged girls, he pulled open the egg covered door and slipped in.
He gritted his teeth as his coat and the eggs made contact.
"I'm special," he kept that running mantra through out his mind as he started the engine. Glanced in the rearview mirror.
Revved the engine and with a squeal of tires erupted out of the driveway, grinning maliciously as the crowd jumped out of the way in the nick of time and he told himself he wasn't disappointed he hadn't hit anyone.
"I am special!!!!!!!" He screamed as he roared off down the street catching up with Gunn.
~*~ A/N: So who should I do next? Willow and somebody or it's up to you guys. I love this little series so get back to me and let me know k? Hope you enjoyed this. Also I took a few liberties with this too. I know Angel and Cordy haven't had sex but still I thought it would be funny.
A/N: Well inspiration takes awhile and I was inspired to write this chapter cuz of the recent events on both Btvs and Ats. I laughed when I wrote this and hope you enjoy it too.
Spoilers: For Angel I think regarding Connor and Cordelia and a certain something.
~*~
Ch:4
Cordelia slowly circled Buffy, arms crossed over her ample bosom. Her blonde streaked hair moved with the light breeze and the small cold smile that was on her lips made for a frightening picture.
Buffy smiled widely as Cordelia finally paused facing Buffy and glared at her.
"You know what you are?" Cordelia finally asked.
"The Slayer?" Buffy asked laughing.
"A slut," Cordy spat.
"Ah watch the language Cordelia," Buffy warned. "Young people are present- oh! Wait that turns you on," Buffy exclaimed mockingly slapping a hand to her mouth.
"What's she talking about?" Xander asked aloud looking confused.
"Oh," Anya began excitedly but Cordy's voice cut her off.
"You would think that. I mean just because you're a Vampire Layer instead of Slayer doesn't mean we're all sluts like yourself," Cordy bit out frostily.
"Hey," Angel began to protest. "Just because she loved me doesn't make her a slut Cordy!"
Cordy sent him a look that could have turned him to dust; he took a quick step back having the unpleasant flashbacks to evil Cordy.
"You would think that. I happened to be talking about her lover Spike. That's right Angel! One wasn't enough for her!"
Buffy uncrossed her arms and bounced on the balls of her feet, a grim look passing over her face as she heard Angel sputter and start up for a huge rant.
Glaring at Cordy she raked her eyes up and down her.
What she saw made her shake her head.
"You know what? I can honestly say I used to respect that you were the original Queen C and with that came bitchiness in spades! But now what do I see? Tell me what I see Cordy," she demanded.
"Bitch," Cordy spat.
"Demon," Buffy retorted.
"Slut!" Cordy yelled.
"Um you used that already Cordelia," Willow couldn't help but point out.
"Whore!" Buffy yelled right back.
"Demon lover," Cordelia said smiling smugly.
"Mother of a demon spawn," Buffy growled advancing on Cordelia.
"Hey! He's a cute baby!" Fred exclaimed clearly offended.
"Oh right. Sorry Cordy for you know...your baby's cute. I saw pictures," Buffy was quick to apologize.
Cordy gave a shrug then smiled.
"I know he's adorable," she gushed.
Buffy smiled too.
"Hey luv we aren't here to watch the warm and fuzzies. S'let her 'ave it," Spike spoke up as he looked between the women expectantly.
Buffy sent him a quick look telling him to shut up.
"Well you know Cordy you really have no room to call me a slut I mean considering who you've slept with recently," Buffy responded reasonable.
"I was under the influence of evil!" Cordy yelled.
"What'd she do?" Xander asked again looking around.
"Don't you mean who'd she do? You realize Xander every woman you've dated has been a demon?" Anya asked as she gazed up at him love in her eyes.
"Huh?" he asked dumbly.
"She had sex with Angel's son," Willow spoke up then giving Cordelia a disgusted look.
Cordy blushed looking deeply ashamed.
"What?!" Xander yelled. "I thought he was a baby!"
"No honey he went to a hell dimension and turned into a sixteen year old boy," Anya mock whispered.
"Eighteen," Cordelia said defensively.
"Well..that's just ewwwwwwww. I mean Peaches is one thing but then to shag his son," Spike gagged shaking his head.
"Really, if anyone's a slut it would be you," Dawn piped up pointing at Cordelia.
"C'mon give her a break," Gunn snapped.
"Why? She came here with a chip on her shoulder," Buffy muttered as she realized Cordy looked to be on the verge tears.
"So what other baby was Buffy talking about?" Xander asked unable to get the image of a teenager with Angel's face out of his head. Especially the one where he and Cordy had....*gulp* sex.
"That's Cordy's baby," Angel spoke then, his voice cold and emotionless, much like his face.
Everyone stared at him waiting for him to finish.
He looked away, his face never changing as he ground out," With Connor my son."
Spike burst out laughing.
Buffy sent him a look.
"What?" he demanded between laughs. "It's funny! Did you hear him? It's like our own little incestuous version of Jerry Springer! Priceless! 'Not m'son but m'son's son! Who slept with his step mum who then had m'son's baby. M'grandson!' Oh Peaches....I thought I'd never see the day you got back what you deserved in spades! Oh bleedin' hell!"
Anya joined in on the laughter.
"Well that should tell you all to always wear a condom even while sleeping with a vampire's son," she choked out.
"Well at least Angel won't have to worry about having slept with his son's lover," Willow pointed out hesitantly eyeing them both.
Buffy laughed about to agree when she saw the looks on both Cordy and Angel's faces. Her laughter died a slow painful death.
"Angel too?" Buffy asked sickened.
"Well it's not like you can talk Buffy! You're sleeping with evil, soul les- "Angel began angrily glaring at Buffy.
"Hey now mate! I've gotta soul now! Nice and fresh like too. Shiny and untarnished and it 'appens to be my very own from back in the day! And I can have all the happies I want," Spike said cheerfully while he danced a little jig around Buffy, almost at the point of sticking his tongue out at the older vampire.
"Perhaps we-I've stepped through some portal that's transplanted me into a realm full of immature, childish people who laugh in the face of other people's pain and-who am I kidding? I dare say Cordelia that you and Angel's son having a baby is about the sickest thing I've heard in all my long years," Giles finally spoke gravely cleaning his glasses as he fought the urge to grab a bottle of Scotch from the stash Spike kept at the Summers house.
"Angel you know I didn't think you had it in you! When was this? After she'd slept with Connor or before? Cuz either way all I can say is ewwww," Buffy asked curiosly.
"After," Angel mumbled ducking his head and then glancing up quickly to defend himself. "Okay so I was Angelus-it was a mistake alright! A mistake- "
"A mistake?" Cordy erupted glaring at Angel who glared right back at her.
"Yes," he muttered. "A mistake! A huge, humongous-"
"Uh you do know that huge and humongous mean basically the same righ- shutting up now," Dawn began before she caught Angel's death glare. She ducked behind Buffy and figured she shouldn't speak again cuz obviously Angel hadn't forgotten what she'd done to his car.
"I thought it was the most significant moment of my life Angel," Cordy gushed.
Buffy looked perplexed.
"It was?" she asked dubiously.
"It was," Cordy responded reverently.
"Even when he does that thing with his lips-"Buffy began.
"Yes! That was amazing," Cordy agreed.
"Or when he uh...you know goes all grrrr?" Buffy asked baffled and oddly curious about Cordelia's experience.
"Oh that makes it even-"Cordy wanted to gush some more.
"M'ears! M'ears! M'ears! They're meltin', stop it! I don't wanna hear this," Spike screamed cutting her off, clutching his head running wildly around.
"Oh baby I'm sorry," Buffy apologized running to him. "It's just I can't believe it! I mean it was so -bleh compared to what you and I have," she said rubbing his back as he peeked up at her through his lashes.
"I know," he responded with his patent smirk and he wagged his eyebrows as he let out a growl and attacked her. "M'better than the poof, and don't you forget it," he growled as he nipped at her neck as they rolled around their front yard.
"Yes, well if you're quite finished reminiscing I suggest you-for goodness sakes Spike! Buffy! You are in your yard where everyone can see you!" Giles exploded his face red as he glared at the couple who were currently making out on the dried out grass.
"Xander let's go home and show eachother how much we love one another," Anya said loudly as she tugged on his arm.
He hesitated.
"Ahn not now, I wanna get this straight. Cordy you slept with Angel's son and then you--"
"I meant let's go have sex like Buffy and Spike are going to. Now!" Anya yelled as she began to drag him along with her.
"Geez Cordy I never knew you had it in you," Xander muttered shaking his head sadly as he let himself be dragged away. "The son and the father! I mean at least you weren't a demon when we went out-oh wait you were. I-"
"He's mine Cordelia! No matter what you want or who you sleep with to get Xander out of your system he's never coming back to you. I mean sure he left me at the altar and I wanted him dead for it but-as you can see we've moved past that! In fact-"
"Willow can I stay with you. Cuz it looks like it's going to be a long night at casa de Summers," Dawn asked interrupting Anya's rant as she watched a laughing Spike scoop Buffy into his arms and make a mad dash to the house slamming the door behind him.
Willow smiled widely.
"Sure Dawnie. We'll make it girl's night out. Hit the movies, go Bronzin', and when Buffy realizes you're gone she'll be in major guilty mode. Which means-"
"A trip to the mall," Willow and Dawn exclaimed in unison as they wandered after Xander and Anya.
Giles slowly put his glasses back on straightened his shirt and cleared his throat. He brushed past the AI crew and regarded the good sized crowd that had gathered.
"They are circus folk....You understand," he murmured stiffly before he hurried off.
Left alone on the Summers front yard the AI team looked around at eachother before they settled their eyes on their fearless leader who looked pained.
"Well that was interesting," Gunn commented before he looked at Angel's car then to his truck parked on the street. "Whoever wants shotgun better get a move on it," he yelled as he raced to his truck.
Fred and Cordy we're mere steps behind him.
Angel stood rooted to the spot glaring at the house.
The sounds he was hearing he was sure, Spike was making on purpose.
"How is this possible?" he wondered aloud and then shook his head. "I mean I was special. I was The Champion! I was the only souled vampire on the planet-now it's ruined," he was yelling now, waving his arms around and glaring at the people who were looking at him in fear and suspicion.
"D'you mind you bloody git," Spike poked his head out the front door. "M'workin' in here! Shut the hell up!"
Angel growled his face changing back to it's truest form, his yellow eyes flashing.
Screams rent the air as he turned on the crowd that had gathered.
"What are you staring at?!" he yelled as he turned with a swish of his black duster and stomped to his car.
Grimacing and muttering about stupid teenaged girls, he pulled open the egg covered door and slipped in.
He gritted his teeth as his coat and the eggs made contact.
"I'm special," he kept that running mantra through out his mind as he started the engine. Glanced in the rearview mirror.
Revved the engine and with a squeal of tires erupted out of the driveway, grinning maliciously as the crowd jumped out of the way in the nick of time and he told himself he wasn't disappointed he hadn't hit anyone.
"I am special!!!!!!!" He screamed as he roared off down the street catching up with Gunn.
~*~ A/N: So who should I do next? Willow and somebody or it's up to you guys. I love this little series so get back to me and let me know k? Hope you enjoyed this. Also I took a few liberties with this too. I know Angel and Cordy haven't had sex but still I thought it would be funny.