Chapter 4 – Moogle Product Search
Chapter Rating: T for language.
Disclaimer: I do not own Kingdom Hearts. If I did, you would be able to defeat the secret bosses without dodge rolling so much.
Xigbar stepped out of a dark portal and found Demyx out cold and lying face down in an empty hallway. He crouched down and started talking to the unconscious member.
"Wakey, wakey Demmy." he spoke mockingly.
"Uuurgh…" Demyx said groggily as he was starting to wake up. He lifted his head up and saw Xigbar smirking. "Oh, hey Xigbar. Did I win?"
"As if."
"Am I dead?"
"Nope."
"Oh thank God." Demyx sighed of relief.
"At least not yet." Xigbar added while standing up with an uncomforting smirk on his face.
This caused Demyx to flinch and looked nervously at Xigbar. "W-wait, hold on Xiggy." he stuttered while jumping up to his feet. "Remember we're friends right? You wouldn't_"
"Relax; I'm not here to finish you off." Xigbar interrupted. Demyx sighed of relief again. "But Demyx, you've got some 'splaining to do."
"Huh?" questioned Demyx who was starting to sound nervous again.
"We'll talk about it back at the round room, now let's go."
"Um…ok."
They both summoned dark portals and walked inside them.
Xigbar and Demyx both teleported into their respective chairs in the round room. Demyx took off his hood and he immediately saw a lot of the members glaring at him.
"Uh, heh heh heh." Demyx nervously chuckled. "Hi guys."
"You failed to stop the intruders." Xaldin said, cutting to the chase.
"Yeah, but look on the bright side. I'm still alive."
The members' glares intensified.
'I must've spoke too soon.' thought Demyx.
"Not only have you let the intruders to continue to roam the castle, but you also tried to recruit them into the Organization." Saïx stated angrily.
"What reason could you possibly have for doing so?" asked the long, dirty-blonde haired man, demanding an answer.
Demyx somehow mustered enough confidence to give his reason with only little uneasiness in his voice. "Well, I thought since they could wipe out all those Dusks and they don't have any hearts, I figured they could become powerful members."
"Like hell." sneered the woman. "You only tried to get them to join because you knew they would murder you if you fought."
"Nooo…" whined Demyx. Everyone looked at him in disbelief. "…ok maybe a little, but mostly for the first thing I said."
"Did you honestly believe it was a good idea?" asked the male with his eye covered.
"Actually, it is." stated Xemnas.
All the members were shocked at what they just heard. Their superior actually thought Demyx had a good idea? The mere thought of the concept was foreign to them.
"It is?" questioned Xigbar, Xaldin, Saïx, Axel, and the woman at the same time.
"It is?" questioned Demyx. Everyone looked at him suspiciously. "Oh, uh, I mean…IT IS!"
Xemnas decided to ignore Demyx's surprise and confusion and explain why he likes the young male's plan. "As Demyx pointed out, these machines have powerful abilities and they do not possess hearts. They would no doubt make great allies."
"Are you sure Superior?" asked Saïx. "They may be strong, but they're clearly more annoying than Demyx."
'Why is it so hard for me to get a compliment?' thought Demyx.
"Besides, all but one role has been fulfilled by all of our other members." continued Saïx. "These…robots cannot carry out that last role."
"It's always good to have an ace up your sleeve." argued Luxord.
"And even if we can't find something for them to do out in the field, we could always use some maids around the castle." suggested Xigbar in his own wisecracking way.
"How are we gonna get them to join?" inquired Axel. "We all saw that they don't want the job. I don't think they'll be applying anytime soon."
"I think they just need a little…persuading." the pink-haired man suggested evilly.
"You have something in mind Marluxia?" asked Axel.
"Not exactly." replied Marluxia. "But surely one of us can give them a reason to join."
"I believe I can help convince them to join." the long, dirty-blonde haired man spoke up. "See, I've been working on inventing an EMP device."
"What does_" began Demyx.
"Electromagnetic pulse." answered the long, dirty-blonde haired man as he knew what Demyx's question was going to be. "And to answer your next question, the EMP device will send out a blast of energy that will deactivate any technology it comes in contact with, including these intruding robots."
'Why is he working on something like that?' wondered Axel.
"Once they're deactivated," continued the long, dirty-blonde haired man. "We can disable their weapons and movement functions. Then, maybe we can convince them."
"Couldn't you just reprogram them?" asked the male with his eye covered.
"No. I'm afraid my knowledge in robotics only goes so far." explained the long, dirty-blonde haired man.
"Is this device ready?" inquired Xemnas.
"Well…no, but I only need to make some final adjustments before it's complete. Until then, I suggest one of us should stall the automatons."
"Very well, I shall trust your instincts Vexen." stated Xemnas. "Finish the device."
"Yes Superior." And with that, Vexen teleported out of his chair.
"Now who will hinder our intruders?" Xemnas asked his members.
"I don't think we need to stall them." stated Xigbar. "It looks like they're easily distracted. Just look." He points to the orb and everyone looks at it to watch what the robots are currently doing.
The robots were walking down another hallway, continuing to look for tools. Nothing eventful has happened since their encounter with Demyx. They reached the end of the hallway and ended up in a grey, wedge shaped room. One of the walls was made entirely out of large, rectangle window panels and there were couches and tables spread around the room.
"Oh come on." complained GIZOIDIANMAN. "We finally reached a new room in this freaking huge castle and it's nearly as empty as the hallways!"
"It is unfortunate." said Omega. "Because of this, we can clearly see that there are no tools in this room."
"I'm starting to think there isn't anything inside this castle." said GIZOIDIANMAN. "Practically every room and hallway we've been in hasn't had a single thing in them. Bow Chicka Bow Wow! We didn't even see any of the usual stuff inside castles, like tapestries and cool suits of armor."
"Correction, there are beings inside this castle, specifically those Nobodies. And there are couches and tables in this area."
"Yeah there are those. I actually like that there are couches here. It shows that this Organization knows how to relax after a hard day's work. Though, where are the TVs?"
"There aren't any."
"WHAT! Who has a couch without a TV in front of it! That's what couches are for! What do they when they're sitting on a couch? Stare out the window? I mean I know that almost everything on TV nowadays is just a bunch of crap that's so bad that staring out the window is more entertaining, but there are still a few good shows. And more importantly, without a TV, how are they supposed to play console video games!"
"Don't ask me, kupo." A high-pitch voice answered seemingly out of nowhere.
"Who said that?" questioned GIZOIDIANMAN. He became slightly paranoid and kept quickly turning his head left and right, trying to find the source of the voice."
"Me. Over here, kupo." replied the voice.
The robots turned to their right and saw a small, floating being wearing the same black coat as Demyx. They walked towards it and were able to notice some more of its physical traits. Unlike Demyx, the being's face wasn't hidden even though the coat's hood was up. Its eyes were narrow slits and it had a bulbous, pink nose. It also had tiny, purple, bat-like wings on its back and a thin, antenna on top of its head and on top of that was a big, red ball.
"Hey Omega, look." said GIZOIDIANMAN, pointing at the being. "It's Captain Olimar from the 'Pikmin' video game series."
"I'm not Captain Olimar, kupo." the being stated irritably.
"Oh. That would explain why you're not wearing a helmet…and why you're floating…and why the ball on top of your antenna is much bigger and doesn't glow."
"And Olimar isn't a moogle, kupo."
"What is a moogle?" asked Omega.
"Me." stated the being. "And all the other little, floating guys with pom-poms above their heads, kupo."
"So moogles are an organic species?" asked GIZOIDIANMAN.
"That's right, kupo." answered the moogle.
"Why do you keep saying kupo?" asked GIZOIDIANMAN. "And what does it mean?"
"It's just something we moogles say after most of our sentences, kupo."
"Why?"
"Because we do. Deal with it, kupo." the moogle responded in a "none of your business" tone. "Anyways, who are you robots, kupo?"
"I'm GIZOIDIANMAN." The gizoid replied proudly, pointing his thumb at himself.
"I am E-123 Omega." answered the bulky machine.
"What's your name?" asked GIZOIDIANMAN.
"…My name is of no importance, kupo." said the moogle.
"Why? Because you're not important?" GIZOIDIANMAN inquired smugly.
"HEY SCREW YOU, KUPO! I'M VERY IMPORTANT!" the moogle shouted angrily.
"If you're so important, then how come your name isn't?" asked GIZOIDIANMAN, still being smug.
"Because it just isn't!"
"Oh that's bullcrap. I bet you won't tell us your name because it's stupid and that you're really not important at all."
"My name isn't stupid, kupo. And I am very important. The Organization would have a much harder time completing missions without my merchandise, kupo."
"So you do work for Organization XII." remarked Omega.
"Of course I do, kupo." said the moogle, calmed down. "Isn't the coat I'm wearing a dead giveaway, kupo?"
"He's got a point Omega." said GIZOIDIANMAN. "I think Demyx did imply something about everybody in Organization XII wears those nice, cool, black coats. Lucky bastards."
"Heh heh, suck it, kupo." gloated the moogle.
GIZOIDIANMAN glared at him in response, but then remembered what the moogle said before. "Wait; was that merchandise thing you said earlier?"
"I'm glad you asked, kupo." the moogle said in a proud, commercial announcer-like tone. "I'm selling a bunch of must-have items at a totally, reasonable price, kupo. Maybe you would like to buy some of my goods? I guarantee I won't rip you off, kupo."
"Do you have any tools we could purchase?" asked Omega.
"No. Sorry, kupo." replied the moogle.
"Then you are of minimal use." declared Omega.
"Well hang on Omega." said GIZOIDIANMAN. "He may not have any tools, but he could have some other stuff. Do you have any more of those nice, cool, black coats?"
"Nope, kupo."
"Do you have any video game soundtrack cds?"
"Unh-unh, kupo."
"Do you have any things you could get at a black market?"
"I wish, kupo."
"Do you have any props from famous movies?"
"I have a wand from 'Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix'." The moogle puts his stubby hand behind his back and takes out said wand.
"Any props from movies that don't suck?"
"No, kupo."
"Well what good are_wait, how the hell are you holding that without any fingers?"
"Is that really important?"
"You're right. It isn't. Just like you."
The moogle threw the wand at GIZOIDIANMAN's head out of anger. It didn't hurt the gizoid because the wand was very light and it harmlessly bounced off his head and landed somewhere else in the room. GIZOIDIANMAN didn't even flinch when this was happening and he still had the smirk on his face (which annoyed the moogle) from making his recent comment.
"What exactly do you have?" asked Omega.
The moogle regained his composure and answered the hulking robot. "I've got potions, ethers, elixirs_"
"Oh cool, you sell items from the 'Pokémon' games!" interrupted GIZOIDIANMAN. "In that case, I'll take a fire stone."
"Uh…I don't have any fire stones, kupo." stated the moogle.
"Damnit it's true!" exclaimed GIZOIDIANMAN. "You can only buy elemental stones in Celadon City and Black City! Oh well, I guess I'll just take a couple of ultra balls then. Bow Chicka Bow Wow!"
"Look I don't sell any 'Pokémon' items, kupo." affirmed the now annoyed moogle.
"But you said_"
"They're not from the 'Pokémon' games, kupo. They're drinks that restore your health and magic, kupo."
"We are robots." stated Omega. "These liquids would have no effect on us."
"And even if they could, Omega can't use them because…you know." added GIZOIDIANMAN. He pointed his thumb at Omega. It's clear that GIZOIDIANMAN was talking about the fact that Omega doesn't have a mouth.
"Oh." muttered the moogle. "Uh…"
"You're real good at making business, aren't you?" GIZOIDIANMAN asked sarcastically. "And very important too."
"GO F*** YOURSELF, KUPO!" furiously shouted the moogle, who was now shaking his stubby fist at the robots. If he had any fingers, he would most likely be flipping them off right now.
"Don't hate me because I'm more important than you." smirked GIZOIDIANMAN.
"Look if I tell you my name, will you stop with the 'I'm not important' crap, kupo?" the moogle asked frustratingly.
"Dude, the whole reason I've been doing that was because you wouldn't tell us your name because you said it wasn't important." stated GIZOIDIANMAN. "You brought this on yourself."
"Still, if I tell you, will you cut it out, kupo?"
"Yeah, sure."
"Alright. My name is Murplex, kupo."
"Murplex Kupo?"
"No. Just Murplex, kupo."
"That's what I said. Murplex Kupo."
"NO YOU IDIOT! MY NAME IS MURPLEX, KUPO!"
"That's what I'm saying. Murplex Kupo. I'm pronouncing it exactly like you are."
Murplex was glaring angrily at GIZOIDIANMAN and Omega could've sworn he saw the moogle's eye twitch. He knew he had to speak up now. "GIZOIDIANMAN, his name is Murplex. Not Murplex Kupo."
"Oooooh, his name is just Murplex." realized GIZOIDIANMAN. "Why didn't you just tell us that?" he asked the moogle.
Murplex now looked madder than ever. He was shaking violently and was making angry, grumbling sounds. Suddenly, he turned around and banged his head against the wall. He turned around to face the robots again and he looked much calmer, but he was holding his head with one head out of pain.
"Feel better?" asked GIZOIDIANMAN.
"Barely, kupo." muttered Murplex, but was audible enough for the robots to hear.
"So Murplex, why didn't you want to tell us your name?" GIZOIDIANMAN asked. "I mean it's not the worst name ever. You could be named Peewee or Dick or Gaylord."
"I didn't want to tell you my name because it was bad, kupo. I just wanted to seem cool and mysterious, kupo." explained Murplex as he took his hand off his head.
"And look at how well that turned out." GIZOIDIANMAN pointed out half-jokingly.
Murplex let out a long, annoyed sigh as he realized GIZOIDIANMAN was right.
"Murplex, do you know where we could locate some tools?" asked Omega, trying to (hopefully) make some progress on his and GIZOIDIANMAN's main task.
"Maybe I do, maybe I don't, kupo." the moogle said slyly. "But I can't say for sure without a little help, if you catch my drift, kupo."
If GIZOIDIANMAN had normal eyes, they would be rolling now. He knew what Murplex meant, but decided to give him what he wants because the gizoid was truly sick of this world. "Fine, how much."
"50 bucks, kupo." Murplex stated bluntly.
A 50 dollar bill came out of GIZOIDIANMAN's mouth, like paper coming out of a printer, and takes it out. "Here you go." he said, holding the 50 dollar bill out to Murplex.
Murplex was surprised at what he just saw and quickly snatched the money out of GIZOIDIANMAN's hand. He stared amazed at the 50 dollar bill for a few seconds before one of his hands reached behind his back and took out a money tester pen. Murplex removed the pen's cap and made a little yellow scribble with it on the dollar bill. "This is real, kupo!"
"Of course it is." stated GIZOIDIANMAN. "You can't buy anything with counterfeit money. It's almost as useless as Steven Seagal."
"But you printed a real, legit 50 dollar bill out of your mouth, kupo!" exclaimed Murplex.
"I can also print out other kinds of dollars." remarked GIZOIDIANMAN. Five more dollar bills came out of his mouth and he takes them out. He holds them up in front of Murplex and the moogle noticed that each dollar was worth a different amount ($1, $5, $10, $20, $100). "See? I can print out as much money as I need."
Murplex grabbed the cash out of the gizoid's hand and gazed at it for a good 10 seconds. The moogle looks back at the robots. "Have I ever told you that I love you, kupo?" he asked GIZOIDIANMAN.
"No you haven't."GIZOIDIANMAN replied dully with an annoyed look of disbelief. "And I can't say I feel the same. In fact, I actually despise you."
"The feeling's mutual, kupo." said Murplex. "But I do like that you can make a lot of money, kupo. Can I have some more, kupo?"
"No." GIZOIDIANMAN answered bluntly.
"Why not, kupo?" complained Murplex.
"We have already provided you the amount of currency you requested." remarked Omega. "Now you must give us the information we require."
Murplex let out another annoyed sigh. "Fine, a deal's a deal, kupo." he shrugged and put the money away behind his back. "First off, you wanna go back the hallway you walked through to get here, kupo. Then when you get to the intersection, you wanna take a left, kupo. Keep going straight until reach another intersection and then take a right, kupo. It'll be a long walk, but you'll know when you get to the halfway point when you reach the dining room's double doors, kupo. Finally, the_"
"Did you say dining room?" interrupted GIZOIDIANMAN.
"Uh, yes I did, kupo." said Murplex.
GIZOIDIANMAN was now getting more and more excited as he talked. "A dining room means there's a kitchen nearby. And a kitchen means there's a refrigerator inside. And a refrigerator means THERE'S FOOD!"
"Why do you care, kupo? You're a robot. You can't get hungry, kupo."
"I installed taste inhibitors in my synthetic tongue so I can taste. It's no wonder why there are so many fat humans, FOOD IS AWESOME!"
"Synthetic tongue, kupo?"
"Yeah I have a synthetic tongue. See?" GIZOIDIANMAN stuck out his tongue. It was exactly like a human's normal tongue only it was lime green like some of GIZOIDIANMAN's parts.
"Weird, kupo."
"GIZOIDIANMAN, we need to focus on acquiring tools." reminded Omega.
"Oh right." remembered GIZOIDIANMAN. "You're taking too long to tell us directions. Can't you just write them down?"
"I'm gonna need some paper, kupo." said Murplex.
GIZOIDIANMAN printed a piece of blank, white paper from his mouth and handed it to Murplex.
'Guess he can print regular paper too.' thought Murplex. He pulled out a writing pen from his back and scribbled something down on the paper. "There you go, kupo." he said, handing the paper to GIZOIDIANMAN after he was done writing on the paper.
GIZOIDIANMAN snatched the paper out of Murplex's hands and doesn't even glance at what he wrote on it. "Come on Omega, let's go find that food!" He dashes down the hallway at super speed.
Omega looks down at the floor and shook his head in disbelief. He knew he would have to remind GIZOIDIANMAN about the tools after he ate because the gizoid clearly only has that on his mind. The mechanical powerhouse ran down the hallway in a vain attempt to try to catch up to his incredibly fast friend.
After the robots left, Murplex just floated in his spot looking down the hallway dumbfounded. 'This might have been the most f***ed up moment in my entire life.' he mused.
"Heh heh heh, I could watch this all day." chuckled Luxord.
"Maybe you will." commented Axel. "Looks like Xigbar was right, they are easily distracted."
"It seems so." agreed Xemnas. "Impeding their search will not be necessary. Vexen should have enough time to complete the device."
"We should still keep an eye on them just in case." remarked Xaldin.
"Agreed" concurred Xemnas. With that, everyone continued to watch the orb of nothingness.
I know the moogle doesn't have a name in the actual game, but I wanted to give him one even though he's a minor character in here as well.
And yes, I'm using dollars instead of munny as the main form of currency. This is because I'll be able to make accurate prices when the characters are buying something.
100 points if you can figure out how I can came up with the name Murplex.
10 points if you get the title reference.
P.S. Captain Olimar=mutated KH style moogle.