Rule #61 – Sam likes exercise (jogging, stretching, pull ups and push ups, etc.) this is a common fact, don't mention in in front of Dean.
Dean hates the 'healthy' exercise that Sam insists on doing each and every day, and as Sam usually comes back to the motel sweaty, red and barely on his feet, Dean is naturally worried about how healthy this exercise actually is, especially given the strain that Sam's body has been under due to the hunting alone, Dean does not think that the exercise is helping seeing as hunting can wear out any Olympian on its own, let alone with help. Ergo if you mention it around him you won't necessarily get killed, although it is a possibility, you'll definitely get a long rant though, complete with actions and maybe some punching too, Dean finds it cathartic and is a naturally suspicious person, you have been warned.
Rule #62 – together they're the best hunter combination of their generation, don't even attempt to deny this fact.
Both Sam and Dean have long distance capabilities with guns, but Sam is better at short range knife combat while Dean is better with the guns and hand to hand, and that's just in combat. Sam is good in the knowledge department and can easily identify a monster using the small amount of info that they usually have to work with, Dean has more combat experience and also a variety of contacts to work with meaning if they don't know what they're fighting then Dean can call up old favours to ensure that by the ned of the day they know the monster's weaknesses, abilities and possible allies as well. They are a good hunter couple and there is no denying that.
Rule #63 – never approach them right after they've finished a hunt.
At that point both brothers will be tense and on edge, having just fought off something that could've easily killed them, they will also be tired and not in the mood for any shit at that point. Most likely, if they don't just shoot you on sight or throw something sharp at you, they'll just call on one of their many allies to deal with you while they rest, and if you want to be dealt with by anyone then you would want it to be the Winchesters, most of their allies aren't the merciful sort. Heaven help your souls if you get landed with Meg or Crowley, mercy never existed in their dictionaries.
Rule #64 – they have a love hate relationship with fire, they hate it for what it's done to them but they can't help but love it, so don't give them a reason to make you burn.
Of course every hunter has to know their way around a flame, the job requires no less than that, but the Winchesters have always had a connection with fire:
- Their house and mother burning when they were kids.
- Growing up with numerous Salt and Burn jobs.
- Sam's girlfriend dying in their burning apartment.
- The demon Azazel burning all its victims, the demon they were chasing for years.
- Hell fire.
- Angel flame.
- Lucifer and Michael's torture.
They have numerous reasons to hate the hot element but at the same time it's been one of the few constants in their lives and they just can't help but love it for that.
Rule #65 – don't fuck with Dean, you don't want to know what Sam will do to you if you do.
This is pretty self-explanatory but:
Sam + Telekinesis + 6ft 4" of muscle + anger issues + brotherly instincts + any allies he'll call up to hunt you down and tear you apart and make you feel like a worthless and insignificant worm compared to Dean = a possibly dead, definitely mentally and physically scarred hunter…
Rule #66 – they find beating up idiots cathartic, don't tempt them.
If you're stupid enough to anger them then they'll happily rearrange your skeleton and internal organs for you.
Rule #67 – fan girls will not be tolerated.
Unfortunately they do have fan girls due to both the 'Supernatural' series and their infamy in the hunting world. This also means that they have developed a healthy hatred of fan girls and all that go near then will be met with a door to the face, quickly followed by both brothers immediately vacating the area. Repeated attempts will result in the business end of the nearest gun being pointed in the face of said fan girl. You have been warned.
Rule #68 – when it comes to fan boys they have a shoot first policy.
Their courtesy to fan girls does not extend to fan boys, who will be shot on sight. You will survive though, probably.
Rule #69 – if Dean starts growling (and you WILL know when he does) run. Run and don't look back.
This usually happens when something goes terribly wrong or when Sam gets hurt/injured/kidnapped, if it's the latter then you will stay and help track the younger Winchester down, if it's the first two options then you say long enough to ensure that Sam is fine and that Dean is with him and then you run. If Dean starts growling at YOU, then you run away with your tail between your legs and never set foot in front of him again.
Rule #70 – Sam has a dangerous reaction to small spaces, it would be in your best interests to get him out of the small space if you ever find him in one.
It might be due to his staggering height, but Sam has never liked small spaces, and Sam + confined space = trouble. So removing him from this space as promptly as possible will be very good for your life expectancy in the long term, as leaving Sam there is likely to get you killed by either Dean (when he inevitably finds out) or Sam (when he gets himself out, which he will) or Cas (who will not be happy or merciful for that matter.)
Rule #71 – evil laughter is NOT a good sign.
It either means that they're been possessed (in which case RUN, as anything strong enough to possess a Winchester is too strong for any normal hunter to take down) or Sam has had a 'eureka' moment (in which case you better run just out of principle, Sam's ideas were never really on the sane end of the spectrum.)
Rule #72 – insulting them in another language won't work, they'll speak it as fluently as English and beat you up for good measure.
It's not well known that both brothers are very knowledgeable as far as hunting goes, this includes any language that they think will help them in the long run, so far the list includes Latin, Greek, French, Japanese, Spanish, Ancient Egyptian, Enochian (don't ask what that is, and if you know what it is then don't ask how they know it), Sanskrit, Ancient Persian, Norse, Chinese, Ancient Chinese, Italian and more, this is the list of languages that others have heard them speak or write, there are likely to be even more. And as far as insulting them goes, don't try it, they are happy to verbally tear you apart if you do, and if that doesn't work then a solid beating will.
Rule #73 – never insult Sam's fashion sense. Or Dean's for that matter.
The Winchester both have individual fashion tastes, and will wear whatever they're comfortable with, insulting their fashion tastes will just piss them off – Dean in particular – and pissing them off takes you another step closer to the afterlife.
Rule #74 – just don't insult them at all.
You will end up hurting a lot, or dead, either one.
Rule #75 – if they say there's a Hell Hound, then there is DEFINITELY a Hell Hound.
They have more experience with the 'guardians of Hell' than any other hunter to date. So when they say that there is a Hell Hound in the area and that they will take care of it, you thank them and count your blessings that it was them who turned up to help you – you would be dead otherwise, no question – you DO NOT doubt them because that will end up with both you and the Hell Hound dead, after the Hell Hound killed you for being un prepared, and Sam and Dean killed the Hell Hound for being a Hell Hound.
Rule #76 – for all that is Holy, never ever mention glitter!
Dean will murder you, not kidding he will just up and kill you if you dare mention the word in his presence. Sam will get a strange glint in his eye and you'll spend the next month desperately trying to find out where the glitter that has invaded your clothing (and any place you stay in) is coming from. And the glitter will be pink, blinding neon pink.
Rule #77 – don't give them burritos…just don't.
Three words; toxic, noxious, gas.
Rule #78 – scratching the Impala will result in immediate departure of the world of the living, and only hell awaits you if you dent the car.
That car is Dean's baby, he will go to any and all lengths to protect it. Laying a finger on the Impala's paint with the intent to harm and Dean will cut that finger off, scratching the paint and you're already dead you just don't know it yet, dent the car…well, Dean must have learnt something in his many stints in hell…
Rule #79 – if you hear Sam muttering something about never wearing broken crowns then back away slowly and vacate the area immediately.
Sam has a thing about being controlled, both brothers do really, the anti-possession tattoos are a good indication of this. But ever since the 'Lucifer-Apocalypse' thing Sam's hatred of being controlled by anything but his own mind has risen to all new levels. So if you hear him saying any of the following statements then get away from him ASAP, it's a clear sign that he is not in the mood for anything other than friendly company:
I'll never wear your broken crown.
I took the road and I fucked it all the way.
I'll never be your chosen one, I'll be home, safe and tucked away, where you can't tempt me if I can't see the day.
The pull on my flesh was just too strong, stifled the choice and the air in my lungs.
In this twilight how dare you speak of grace.
Consign me not to darkness.
Rule #80 – if they help you on a hunt you smile and wave when they leave, no matter the collateral damage they caused, you freaking smile and wave!
After a hunt they are not always in the best of moods…definitely not if that hunt had anything to do with Hell Hounds, Vampires or Demons. If you don't want to be under the receiving glares, scathing insults and impossibly long grudges you'll hold your tongue while they're leaving no matter how much damage they caused.
Here is the second to last instalment of the Winchester Rules. Hope they keep you alive when you meet them.
And please don't mention Becky, she's taboo at the moment – for obvious reasons.
Chuck Shurley