Chapter 4 – Fix you

When you try your best, but you don't succeed
When you get what you want, but not what you need
When you feel so tired, but you can't sleep
Stuck in reverse

And the tears come streaming down your face
When you lose something you can't replace
When you love someone, but it goes to waste
Could it be worse?

Does Peyton really still have feelings for me? I guess deep down I knew I just didn't want to admit it, but hearing her say she's not over me made it all the more real to me. Peyton Sawyer, the love of my life still had feelings for me, but what did these feelings mean? Does she still love me? Or am I reading too much into this? I don't know what to do, we have gone three years without seeing each other and then she comes back into my life and I'm questioning my feelings for her. I thought I was completely over her, I'm engaged and in a loving relationship but I know it will never measure up to what I had and how I felt when I was with Peyton. No one knew me like her; no one could make me feel the way she does. She was my inspiration, my muse and no one else could touch my life the way she has. And if I'm honest she still is my inspiration, she still touches my life like no other. But we had our chance; maybe it's a sign we're not meant to be together.

God it's so hard to think straight in this storeroom, I feel tense, claustrophobic and I just want to break free and runaway from all my problems. Its what I do best, I hate confrontation and rarely face my problems head on but right now I had no choice. I had to face it all and a part of me was dying to know how she truly felt. She hasn't spoken since I asked her to be honest with me, I think she's contemplating on what she should say but the suspense is killing me. I just want her to be honest; I want to finally face what we've been dancing around for the past few weeks.

"Peyton please I need to know" I say desperation in my voice, I just want everything to be out in the open. We never had our closure, I just left and we never saw each other again for three years. I just want to know how she was in that time, and whether she managed to move on. A part of me knows she hasn't, Brooke even told me she came home for me, but I will only believe that when I hear it from Peyton's mouth.

"Why? Why do you need to know, you're happy now, you've made a life for yourself, you've moved on I don't want to disrupt that" she replies and I can tell she doesn't want to open up. In the time we spent a part she has managed to build those walls up so high and I'm not sure if I'll ever be able to break them down again, but regardless I won't let her keep running and dodging my question, if we're trapped together we may as well get everything we've been avoiding sorted.

"Come on Peyton just tell me the truth." I pause preparing myself for what I'm about to ask her "Do you still have feelings for me?"

She was shocked at my bluntness I could tell that much, and now I was just waiting for her response.

"Fine you want to know the truth" she shouts and I mentally slap myself because I've obviously pissed her off again. "Yes okay I still have feelings for you, heck they never went away I've always loved you and I always will but it doesn't matter because everything you ever said to me was a lie"

"What?" I ask shocked. How can she say that? I meant everything I ever said to her.

"You lied to me Lucas and then you turned up three years ago and ambushed me…you gave up on us"

I look in to her eyes and can tell she meant every single word and that angers me. I never gave up on us, she did.

"I proposed to you Peyton, I wanted to spend forever with you how is that giving up on us?" she can tell I'm angry as I see her take a step back.

"By not waiting you gave up and you know that's the truth" again I can see the honesty in her words and once again it angers me.

"You wanna talk truth then lets talk truth" I shout even louder than before. I never thought I could get this angry, especially not with Peyton but I guess I was wrong. She's staring at me now waiting for me to continue, so I do with the same anger in my voice.

"You gave up on me and on us. You didn't think I could get my novel published……you stopped believing in me, and I don't think you even cared" Okay maybe that was a little harsh but I was so angry and its what I was thinking. We had gone three years with all of this bottled up inside and I was finally letting it all out. I shocked her she was pretty much speechless. I saw the anger in her eyes turn to pain and once again I knew I was the reason for that. I wish I could take back what I said but I can't, I know I was just talking out of anger but I really did believe in what I said. She hurt me so much and we were finally talking about it.

"You know what Lucas fuck you!" she shouts masking her pain with more anger. "I never stopped believing in you, I loved you. I always knew you would make it……and if I never believed in you, if I never cared then why do I buy your stupid book every damn time I see it?" she runs past me and starts pulling on the door handle, I could tell she needed to get out but it was no use we were locked in and no amount of pulling at the door would get us out, but she continues anyway with determination. I take this time to think over what she said and maybe she was right but it was so much easier to tell myself she gave up on me it was what I told myself to get over her. I can hear her sobbing and I look over at her, she's pounding her fists into the door. At that moment I feel absolutely terrible, I shouldn't have said those things, I never wanted to make her cry like that. I slowly and cautiously make my way over to her. I'm scared to get too close but I can't stand to see her like this I just want to comfort her even if I am the one who made her like this in the first place.

"Peyton" I say softly.

"Just leave me alone" she replies coldly.

"I can't" I say again in a soft and honest tone.

"Why? Want to break me a little more?"

"Peyton I didn't"

"No!" she cuts me off "All you've ever done is lie to me and make things worse"

"How and when have I lied to you?" I say the frustration sounding through my voice. I really cannot believe she would think this. I wouldn't lie to her.

"Let me see, oh that's right just read your book Luke that says everything."

Again I'm confused, everything I wrote about her I meant, I never lied. "I meant everything I ever wrote in that book Peyton"

"Really? Well how about the fact you said we were destined to be together"

Okay so now I understand why she thinks I lied but I meant it, I always believed we were destined to be together but sometimes you don't get to be with your destiny.

"I meant that Peyton, but not everyone gets to be with who they're destined for"

She nods her head and then goes back to pulling on the door handle. I see fresh tears drip down her face and I feel so bad for her.

"Why do you think I proposed to you?"

"You were insecure"

"Peyton!" I shout again maybe I was feeling a little insecure at the time but I proposed because I wanted to spend the rest of my life with her. "I proposed because I was in love with you, and I wanted to be with you forever but you said no"

"I never said no!" she shouts back.

"Yes you did" I protest.

"No I didn't and if you actually listened you would have heard me tell you that I loved you and that I did want to marry you someday"

"It felt like a no Peyton"

"Well it wasn't and because of that you left me, you didn't even say goodbye"

"There was nothing left to say Peyton"

"Well it just proves my theory right"

"What theory?"

"That you were insecure and once again you lied to me"

"How did I lie to you?" I say frustrated, trying to control my temper.

"You said and I quote 'No matter how long it takes I'll wait for you' I guess a year was too long"

Okay so maybe I did lie to her, but I never did it intentionally. When I said I'd wait for her, at the time I really meant it but there's only so much waiting a person can do. Yes she said a year but to me that felt like a lifetime, we had grown so far a part already and I was scared in case she moved on in that time. It took a lot of courage for me to propose and to me everything she said just felt like a knock back, a refusal, just a plain no. But I've come to realise something, Peyton Sawyer is irreplaceable, and I really am not as happy without her. Its like I told Brooke all those years ago I don't know what to do without her, and to this day I still feel lost, like I'm a different person, I don't feel like my true self anymore. Maybe this is a sign that I've chosen the wrong path, maybe I should have accepted her someday three years ago, if I did we would've been married by now, or maybe this is fates way of telling us we are far from over. Maybe we really are destined to be together, maybe I will get my destiny after all. But will Peyton ever want to be with me now? I mean I've caused her so much heartache, she seems so broken now; I've definitely got some fixing to do. And what about Lindsey? She is my fiancée after all. Once again it seems I'm back to square one.

Tears stream down your face
When you lose something you cannot replace
Tears stream down your face
And I...

Tears stream down your face
I promise you I will learn from my mistakes
Tears stream down your face
And I...

Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you

AN: Thanks for reading I hope you enjoyed the update. Hopefully the next chapter won't take as long I seem to find it easier to write from Peyton's POV. Anyway thankyou for all the encouraging reviews so far please let me know what you think of this chapter :)

Song - Coldplay: Fix you

Enjoy tonights episode :)