You are the Universe
Chapter 4 : It doesn't bother me.

School was a drag for the rest of the day but the good thing was that Dan and I were paired up for almost all the classes that we had together and I was happy. I wanted to be his friend, I wanted to be Dan's friend.

Soulmates don't always have to translate to the person that you will get married to, they can be that one friend who will always be by your side, through the thick, thin, light, darkness, ups and downs, they'll come in the form of your pets who will offer you the things they love when they see you sad and crying, they'll come in the form of an artists whose art will leave you thinking for years to come, it will come in the form of music and songs that will always give you goosebumps.
It is believed in some cultures that souls fall in love, not bodies. So when you're soul is in a vessel again or born again, they will be pulled by a magnetic force back to the soul they fell in love with. The soul never forgets. The bodies maybe different now, whether gender or race, but the souls will remain the same.

It was the last period and everyone was drained out by now. I tilted my head and looked at Dan. He had put his head down, turned towards me, eyes closed. I stared at him. Edward Cullen, where you at ?
The sun always found him, I felt like that. The poet inside of my mind had started thinking of things and I knew I had to write it down. I opened up my old tattered book and started writing in it.

He was born from the sun, he wasn't a god but neither was he a shepherd. He was something different.

That's all I could think of. I had so many tiny paragraphs and one liners written in this book but I don't think I would ever be capable to actually write a book. Dan's glabella would crinkle now and then, then it would relax. I wanted to know everything about him, everything. Does that sound creepy ? I think it does. Goddamn it Phil, don't be a creep, be a dream.

The last bell rang and simultaneously Dan woke up, he looked as if he was almost about to scream and then started coughing on his own spit, goofy yet adorable. I got up from my seat and rubbed his back, patted it a little and gave him so water to drink. His eyes were red as well as his cheeks.

"Bloke, you alright ?" I asked him, as I continued to rub his back.

Dan didn't sat anything, he just put up a thumbs up sign and chugged water down.

"You must be knackered, am I right mate ?" Chris entered class and then I noticed that everyone had left.

Dan nodded, "Alright Phil, I'm fine now. Anyways, where's PJ ?"

Chris looked behind him and seemed gobsmacked, "Bloody PJ he was right behind me a while ago." Chris half walked-half jogged, bobbled his head out of the door slightly and within a few seconds pulled back in.

"PJ is talking to Cassie Peters from the next class. I repeat PJ is talking to Cassie Peters." Chris said as his hands went up to his cheeks, shocked but he still smiled like a Cheshire cat.

"Is this 'Cassie Peters' like the bee's knees for PJ ?" Dan asked as he packed his stuff into is bag.

"Dan," Chris said as he rested a hand on Dan's shoulders, "PJ had and has a huge crush on her. Though I personally don't like Cassie Peters as a person but…" Chris sighed, "But if she can make him happy, so be it." Dan just stood awkwardly there, looking at Chris. The awkward tension between Dan and Chris was so much that I, already being so awkward and gangly, felt even more awkward.

"Anyways Dan, will you be coming for the party on Friday ?" Chris asked as he removed his hand from Dan's shoulder and bent down to tie his shoe lace.

"I kind of have no choice. My mum said that if I made two or three friends then I would have to go." Dan said as he sat on a table, almost tipping over the table in the process and then finally sitting again.

"Well, you made three friends here. Chris, PJ and myself. So you actually do not have any choice but to come otherwise I'll be knocking at your door!" I said as I ran a hand through my hair.

Will you be content being friends with him ? Just friends. Nothing more, nothing less ? You might end up mucking the whole situation with him if you try to be more than friends. Think logically why don't you Phil ? You barely know Dan. He could be terribly boring for all you know. But you don't know him and he could be your type , you could be head over heels for him. Move to London, live together, work together, cook together, start a family together and live happily ever after. Together.

Before Dan could even say anything, PJ entered and started jumping up and down, doing the Macarena and dancing awkwardly, "I didn't muck up while talking to Cassie Peters!"

"Yaaay!" The rest of us said awkwardly as watching PJ dance was super entertaining.

"She said she's going to be there at the party on Friday!" PJ said ecstatically. We started making our way out of the school. Dan in close proximity to me and I could almost feel his body heat or maybe that was my imagination.

Can you imagine finally kissing the person you've been wanting to kiss for a long period of time ? Does it feel like time stops ? Does your body sync up with the rhythm of the other person's body ? Does electricity run through your body ? Do you feel safe ? Do you feel loved ? How does it feel ? Does the hype live up to it's expectation? Or does it feel like you're kissing a dementor and having your soul sucked out of you or kissing a dog and it's slobbery with saliva. I don't know.

"Hey Dan, doesn't that mean you'll be coming to the party ?" Chris asked.

"I guess so, I made a pact with my mum promising her that I would go for the party if I made three friends and because of the convections of the mum swear and pinky swear, I have to now attend the party." Dan said sounding extremely sarcastic.

"What time is the party ?" I asked.

"I think around seven in the evening and it will go on till midnight I guess or maybe more." PJ said.

"Are we actually going ?" I asked, dragging my voice almost making it sound like a child who was begging their parents to not do homework or have a bath. Chris picked up on that and immediately chimed in,
"Now Philly boy, you must attend parties or how else are you going to grow up and be a strong boy."

Dan cackled and so did PJ. I looked at Chris awkwardly and said, "Awkward much mate ? You sounded like Mrs. Hall from down the street."

"That was so fucking creepy!" Dan spoke in between gasps of laughter. PJ could only nod his head in agreement as he laughed.

We reached Dan's place and he said goodbye to us.

The three of us continued to walk down to the area where we lived when suddenly Chris and PJ turned around and looked at me and said, "Phil, you so have a crush on Dan."

I was utterly and completely flabbergasted and left hanging , my jaw had dropped down all the way to the center of the Earth. How ? Was it so obvious that I dotted this awkward teenager who didn't give a shit anymore about anyone or anything ? I loved my friends to death, I don't know what I would do without them and if they hated me for something that I couldn't control, that would be pretty sad. I knew I would cry and I wouldn't be able to breathe or be happy for a long point of time either. I wanted my friends to accept me and love me, not to treat me differently because of the person that I was in love with happened to be of the same gender as I was.

"Yes Phil it's that obvious." The other two said in chorus.

I'm not speaking in my mind, am I ?

"No Phil you aren't."

"Shit. You guys, I don't even-I mean I-" I was at a complete loss for words and it felt like there was a frog in my throat, as if sand paper had replaced my esophagus, like a desert in my mouth.

"Phil," PJ said as he placed his hand on my shoulder, "It's okay mate, I don't in the least bit care of who you want to do in your sheets, I don't. It's okay with me. I just hope that he makes you happy and takes care of you because Phil you're so amazing and I don't think you realize that at all."

I looked at Chris who was silent so far, his expression was unfathomable and that made me a little queasy.

"Mate," Chris finally said, putting the eerie silence between us to rest, "it doesn't bother me either, I guess, I've always known so I'm not surprised as such. You never dated girls as such and you always looked at Dan in this way and you usually don't try to be so nice to everyone. You're nice to everyone, don't get me wrong but you're like this super nice and different Phil that comes out when you're in the presence of Dan or even just talk or think about him."

I felt so happy on the inside, I could scream from the mountain tops. I could feel tears welling up and threatening to, chuck it, the tears had decided to flow out. I couldn't stop crying, it felt like a load had been removed off of my chest, like I could breathe.

Was I gay ? I don't know. Did I like Dan ? Yes.

I was so happy just knowing that my friends were okay with me. I thought they wouldn't accept me at all and here they are coming out to me regarding this. It felt good. Maybe soon I would come out to my mom but I guess not so soon because I never saw myself as gay or bisexual or anything else.

I was always so concentrated on studies and graphics and computers so it never occurred to me. It kind of did once when I was thirteen that I was gay because I liked one of my classmates but then I kind of pushed it at the back of my mind because I wanted to study.

So whatever my sexuality maybe, I hope my parents will accept me and love me no matter what. I don't expect my parents to however be totally chill with obviously but I don't want them to be all like, 'you abomination!' 'where did we go wrong ?' 'Go to church! Your connection with Jesus has faded and maybe that's why you need to reconnect with him so he can show you the way'.

I want my parents to tell me that they love me, that my sexuality will never change their feelings about me, about how hard it must have been for me to come out to them-
But the big question that was hanging over my head like a sword was what was my sexuality ?