I went home this weekend because it was my cousins birthday and I couldn't miss that.

And it was fun. Her big 21st birthday. I actually forgot about all my problems that night and just focused on having fun with her and some friends.

But now, I'm standing in my living room and I'm back to that place I was before I went. That place I've been in for the past few weeks. That place I so badly want to get out of, but don't know how. And I fucking hate it that I'm here.

"Em!" I called out to her but there was no answer.

Maybe she's not home. I should call her. And ask where the fuck she is and why she would do this!

The minute I take out my phone from my purse to call her, the front door opens and in walks Emily, Tyler and Julia.

They all come in laughing, but the minute they see me in the living room with this look on my face, all their faces drop. And it's like this for a moment. Their faces dropped, my face livid. And it's silent. And awkward. And all I want to do is scream at her. At Julia. At whoever did this behind my back.

"Who got rid of all of Chris' stuff?"

"Okay, I know you wanted to give it back to him, Gabs, but..."

"Why!?" I screamed, "why would? You know I wanted to do that for closure! I NEEDED that closure, Emily. You can't just do whatever you feel like. It's not your life. It's mine. And my decisions. I wanted to give back his stuff. And I wanted to do it myself! FUCK YOU. FUCK THIS! STAY OUT OF MY LIFE!"

Emily blinks and doesn't say anything. Julia is quiet. Tyler has a hand on Emily's back, like he's ready to defend her and whatever, he should, but ugh.

Usually Emily is not confrontation. That's me. I'm the loud one. She's soft spoken and nice and hates fighting and yelling.

So it's a surprise when she speaks up to me in the way she does. "You don't want closure. You say you do, but it's just a fucking lie to us. You want to go over there in your best outfit, you want him to say sorry and you want to get back with him because it's easier to forgive than to move on. And that's a bunch of fucking bullshit because he's an asshole who treated you wrong. So excuse me for fucking looking out for you. I won't do it again!"

With that, she stormed right past me, almost knocking me down and headed towards the kitchen.

Tyler didn't say anything. He kind of just gave me a blank look and did what any good boyfriend would do: he went after her.

Julia stood there, looking like she can't believe Emily raised her voice. She always states her opinion, yes, but in such a calm manner. In such a rational way. And so this was out of the box for Em. And I can't believe I drove her to it.

"She's just looking out for you, you know," Julia backs her up.

"I know, but Julia, I wanted to give it to him. I needed to do that for myself. For..."

"You know she's right," she says, coming closer to me, "you'd be willing to forgive him because it's easier to forgive than move on, but I don't think that's the best decision. You say you want to move on, you say you're okay, you say you don't want to get back with him, but you're lying to us. I know you are."

Ugh. I WANT that, though. Wanting it and feeling it are different. It's just... I want to get married. I want to have babies. I thought at this age, I would be with that person. I want to be with my husband and the father of my children for a good amount of years. And Chris and I were halfway there so I think I'm just trying to hold onto a fantasy or something. And that sounds SO dumb, I know it does.

But there's nothing I want more than to move on because I know I deserve to move on. "It's hard. It's really fucking hard."

I sit down on the couch and put my head in my hands and think about what an asshole I've been. My friends are trying to help me and I'm giving them nothing to work with but lies. I keep telling myself I'm fine. I keep telling them I want to move on and shit, but I'm acting the complete opposite.

I'm checking his social media accounts, I'm looking at pictures of us, I was holding onto his things.

"We know it's hard, we're not telling you to be over it," Julia comes and sits next to me, "we're just telling you to not want to go back."

"I shouldn't want to, but that text he sent me on my first day of school, the couple he sent after that, the pictures I feel like he's putting up as a message to me," I tell her, "my favorite fucking restaurant in all of San Diego, he's all of a sudden reading my favorite book! He obviously wants me to see! I told her I didn't want to give back his stuff, that someone else should do it, but I changed my mind because I just think... I think maybe, just maybe he still loves me or something like that. And she knew that. She told me that if it would bring me closure, to do it. But I know I was lying to her. It's just... it's all so fucked up, I know it is and I fucking hate that. But I can't deny that I feel like there's still something there. That maybe he's sorry and wants to start over."

Julia sighed. And stayed quiet for longer than I thought she would.

Something's up. Obviously something's up. I know Emily and I know that if she gives you her word, she sticks by it.

And I can't believe it's taken me, like, five whole minutes to not think something was up. She obviously took these boxes back to him because she knows something and she definitely wants me to stay away from him. Right? That has to be it. It has to be the only explanation. Ugh.

"Tell me what you know," I demand Julia.

"I wasn't there," she shakes her head, "you need to ask Emily, Tyler and Cooper."

What is going on here? Did he... did he come and did they get into a huge fight and he stormed out of here with all his stuff? Did they take his stuff to him and something happened? I'm confused. And I really, really need to find out what's going on.

So I get up, take a deep breath and then march over to the kitchen where Emily's sitting around the island and Tyler's in front of her.

"I'm sorry," I apologize and even though it's abrupt and abrasive, I absolutely mean it. "Please explain everything."

Emily's face softens and I know she knows I didn't mean anything and I didn't mean to blow up on her. She knows me. She knows my heart. And she knows that I would never intentionally hurt her. "It's gonna suck."

Great. But honestly, my life sucks right now so who even cares? "Please just tell me everything."

She nods and I go over and sit next to her while she takes a deep breath.

"Friday night, when you were in LA, Julia, Ty, Coop and I went out. We went for burgers and we all ran into Chris. It was um, a bit awkward, but we were all cordial, as cordial as we could be. He was hanging out with Cole and you know Cole and Ty are friends so it would have been weird if we didn't stand around and chat for a moment so we did. And then Chris pulled me aside and asked how you were and I said fine, and he said he misses you and he thinks he made the biggest mistake and he regrets it and honestly, as shitty as he's been, I felt bad for him. I know he loved you and I know you loved him, so it was, like, sad and weird seeing that. He said he misses you everyday and Julia walked over to us in the middle of it all so she could vouch for me. We both believed him because we both saw you guys almost everyday. We knew your relationship... you guys did love each other."

I know there's a but to this. I know whatever comes next, I'm not going to like it. But hearing this, ugh, it hurts. It does.

Emily gave me a small smile and then took another deep breath, "it was this weird feeling of maybe you guys could work it out. But that feeling quickly disappeared when Coop, Ty and I went to Porters and saw him making out with some girl."

And there it is. My stomach dropped. Having my friends actually see my ex boyfriend, someone they thought of as a friend as well, do that is embarrassing.

Fuck Chris. Fuck everything. Fuck this. Just.. fuck! Why is this happening to me?

"It wasn't some random girl. It was the same girl he had been talking to while you two were together so obviously he was lying to me. Or maybe he wasn't. Maybe he was telling me the truth, but he wants his cake and he wants to eat it, too. Who really knows. Cooper was so mad that he went up to him, basically almost punched him and it was just a mess. We weren't planning on telling you, but I didn't think you'd react that way to knowing we took it upon ourselves to get rid of his things because we didn't want you to get sucked in."

I have the best friends, I do. And I'm such an asshole. I'm just getting so caught up in my heartbreak and not looking at the bigger picture.

Christopher Matthews screwed me over. He cheated on me. He's with some girl. And he doesn't respect me.

That's it. That's what I need to focus on and remind myself that there is no relationship without trust. And I don't trust him. I have to realize that there's no jumping back into the relationship we had, the one I thought we had, so that's it. I have to move on once and for all. I have to if I want to be happy.

And I do. I so desperately want to be happy.

"I'm sorry," I tell her and then turn to Tyler, "I'm sorry. I'm just... I never saw any of this coming."

"It's okay," Emily puts her hand on my shoulder, "it's okay. We're not mad at you. I know hundreds of girls go through this and want to get back with their boyfriend even though they screwed her over. It happens. But we love you enough to not want to see you get hurt again like that."

"No, yeah, I really do mean it this time," I take a deep breath, "I'm done with Chris Matthews and I'm moving on if it's the last thing I do."

Julia smiled at me, Tyler didn't look entirely convinced, and Emily held my hand in support.

It's going to take some time to be completely happy, but I'm ready.

I'm ready to just move forward.