Part 4 – Roadless night and Part 5 – My Dearest Myka
Disclaimer: I don't own them, I just like to fiddle with them. I don't claim to speak through any official channels for the show, or the production company, and there is no profit being made. Dr. Mawer is mine.
Spoilers: Takes place soon after S2x12, major spoilers
A/N: These were companion pieces to the actual episodes until now, from here I'm going in a different direction.
Part 4 – Roadless Night
Myka drove through the starry South Dakota night alternating between burning tears where she could barely see the road and keen clarity. She'd been played, she'd been worked, and nothing anyone could say would convince her that it could not happen again and put the people she cared about in further danger. Helena had said nothing to anyone the whole drive back to the warehouse. Myka knew something must have changed inside of HG and whatever it was had stopped her, but Myka didn't know that she could ever look at the woman and ask why. The fact that she had not shot her was something of an answer, but Myka didn't know the question. The worst part was, she still felt a flutter of the affection stir in her heart every time she thought of HG. She was never the kind of person who would squash butterflies but every time that flutter arose she mentally squashed it into the ground.
Just as the sun rose she arrived in Colorado Springs. Parking in the back lot behind her parent's bookstore, Bering & Son's, she used her key to let herself in. Her eyes ached, her head throbbed and she could barely remember actually driving there at all. She had brought an overnight bag, which she took up to the spare room after leaving a note on the kitchen table for her mother. After brushing her teeth she collapsed on the spare bed and fell into a deep sleep.
Part 5 – My Dearest Myka
My dearest Myka,
I know there is nothing I can say that will make up for what I did, or more aptly, tried to do, which you stopped. I do however still need to say it. I do not know if this will find you, I do not know if the Regents will allow correspondence. They certainly do not allow internet access, but I digress. I don't know if you will read it even if it does get to you, but there it is.
That I manipulated you, is true. The Plan had become like a dogmatic religion to me, one which I had stewed over for more than 100 years. It had a life of its own that demanded I see through. On some level, I must not have truly wanted it, I suppose that is why I left so many clues for you to find me. You are a brilliant woman, I knew you could keep up with me. But 120 years Myka, convinced that the sacrifice would in the long run be better for this world. I was more than willing to sacrifice myself, but I should never, ever have presumed to make that decision for you, any of you in truth. What I saw in your eyes when you put the gun in my hand and held it to your own head changed me. Before, I was blinded, I never would have done what I did had I been able to truly see you in all of your strength and conviction. What I had affection for in you before became amplified and it shattered my resolve completely.
I understand now, I see, the only way this world will ever become better is if you are in it. You are the possibility of redemption this world needs.
You certainly feel as if I deceived you, but I was deceived by myself too. Please know that though I was riding the momentum of my plan, there was never an instant when I lied about my feelings toward you. You knew how precious our time together was and that remembering it would penetrate my madness. In the end, it was that, about which you were never mistaken, that mattered most. Looking into your eyes I could see you knew the truth of my heart better than I, and I hope one day to thank you for saving me, as well as the rest of the world.
I am sitting in a cell now which could be anywhere in the world. I am allowed paperback books, paper and charcoal. They took the locket, but left me the picture of Christina within. She is forever lost, and I suppose so are you, at least to me. I would give the world for a photograph of you however. At least I know that you are out there in the world with your fierce resolve to make it a better place. I will be the first to bear witness to the fact that you do make the world better Myka, your strength of character, your courage and your intelligence are ever your best assets. Beware though dearest, the smarter we are, the exponentially more colossal the mistakes we make.
I said I hoped you could forgive me and I do still hope, though I do not see how that is possible. Without hope all else is lost, so I persevere.
Yours,
Helena Wells
She heard the click and swish of the door to her cell and glanced up. A woman stood there watching her. They were always watching her in this place, cameras with overlapping views in the four corners of her cell with only a semi-transparent screen next to the loo. Helena chose to ignore the woman, there was nothing that could be observed in her actions that would give away her thoughts, she came up with her entire plan while in bronze after all.
She signed her letter and folded it in thirds. "I suppose it would be too much to ask for an envelope, heaven only knows what I could do with the adhesive," Wells said flatly.
The woman walked in the room, the door swished closed behind her, "An envelope would be pointless, we will read everything anyway."
"So I'm not allowed my own private thoughts?" Wells inquired.
"I believe your 'own private thoughts' are what got you into this mess. Perhaps you should reconsider keeping your thoughts to yourself."
Wells looked up at the woman again, finally, a glimmer of intelligence from someone in this place. She had blond hair cropped above her ears and dark eyes that seemed to melt into Helena's own. For a moment Helena imagined she could feel that gaze seeping into her mind and finding her deepest secrets. That look was so perceptive it almost made HG feel violated. Helena shook her eyes loose and began folding another sheet of paper in tight lines.
"Appearances of gentility can be the beginning of gentility itself," she said as she placed her letter in its new wrapping, wrote Myka's name on the front and handed it to the woman. "I would appreciate it if this could be sent to Myka Bering at Warehouse 13."
The blond smiled sadly, pulled out the paper and began reading, "Myka Bering has left Warehouse 13. She is currently staying with her parents."
Helena visibly deflated and mumbled, "That is my fault too then."
"Probably," she finished reading, "if this is an effort to prove to us you are repentant it won't work," she said and flapped the letter toward Helena.
"It is what it is," Helena stated, "I have to answer for the trust I betrayed."
"You have done a lot to answer for." She returned
"Actually I almost did a lot to answer for, but I didn't. Am I being punished for what I intended to do? How can you punish someone for thinking?"
"Semantics. You know we can't trust you and you know why," The blond refused to take the bait.
"So who is 'we'? Or more to the point, who are you?" Helena changed the subject.
"I am Dr. Mawer, I'll be your psychologist."
Helena let out a derisive breath, she could think of few punishments worse than spending the rest of her life forced to speak circles around people who over estimated their own cleverness. "Psychologist? Sigmund and Carl were brilliant, but based on what little progress I've seen in today's society I can't imagine their work was very influential or has been improved upon."
"I have a hard time believing that a person with your intellect could fail to see so much evidence to the contrary, although your sentiments in this letter, if genuine, are a start."
"Are you saying that I may be released one day?" Wells asked
"No, I'm not saying that. You tried to throw the world into another ice age after duping the Regents, they don't play with fire and they don't make the same mistakes twice."
"Yes, but I didn't, I stopped" HG pointed out again.
"We are not going there. If it weren't for your connection to Agent Bering you would have destroyed the world as we know it. You did not stop, she stopped you. As it is, you still lost us a good agent. Your cross to bear for being so good at what you did is a life of incarceration."
"What, no trial?"
Mawer caught her gaze again and Helena actually felt herself quail. The Dr. held up the letter, "I'll see what I can do about this but not for you, for Agent Bering."