A/N: Alright then…this is obviously not the "Shut Up, Nurse!" snippet that is supposed to be next. Turns out, getting it together is harder than I thought. Especially since I've been trying to get back to writing my first story, The Idiot, The Assassin, The Fighter, and The Robot…which I haven't updated in THREE GODDAMN MONTHS! Seriously! How the fuck has it taken me this long?!
…
…
…I'm disappointed in myself.
Oh well, enough about that.
As for the "Shut Up, Nurse!" snippet, no worries. It will come. And hopefully Velvet shall endure.
Anyway, I figured that this chapter needed to be done since this day was approaching, so I got to writing it. I finished just in time too! Also, this chapter is to be considered non-canon…you know, since it's a special. As for what this chapter is...I'll let you all find out for yourselves.
HAPPY 4th OF JULY!
Disclaimer: I do not own RWBY nor any material from Markiplier.
4th of July Special!
"What's America?"
The W, B, and Y of Team RWBY looked to their leader, who was currently sitting in a chair using Weiss's computer…again.
"What do you mean?" Blake asked.
"Well, I was looking at some of Markiplier's videos and-."
This immediately got the girls to gang up on Ruby and glare at her. "YOU WERE WATCHING VIDEOS WITHOUT US?!" This was shouted by all three girls.
"W-What?! NO! I haven't watched anything, yet! I was just looking!"
This caused the three harpies-I mean, other three girls to calm down a bit. Blake spoke first.
"Sorry. So, what were you asking?"
Ruby pointed to the screen. "Look."
All of RWBY looked. Ruby was pointing at two videos in particular. One was called "Markiplier Animated: American History 101", while the other was called "Markiplier's History Lesson's: Independence Day". Upon closer inspection, it was the second video that had the word "America" in its description. The first video, having the word "American", was more than likely related to it in a way.
"I'm not really sure," Blake replied. "Maybe another kingdom?"
"Impossible," Weiss put in. "If it was, we would've known about it."
Blake thought about it again. "Maybe it was something from the past?"
"Again, we would've known about it."
Ruby put on her "thinking" face (and pose). "Well…if Markiplier's referencing it…it has to be real, right? I mean, maybe it's a forgotten kingdom or something."
WBY thought about it and nodded. It sort of made sense. Though Weiss was still skeptical.
"Well," Yang said. "The only way to find out is to watch the videos, right?"
RWB smiled and nodded.
"Good…though, which one do we watch first?"
Taking another look at the videos, Blake pointed to the animated one. "This one was done first, so I'd say this one."
Ruby nodded and clicked the video. It began loading and soon it was ready to play.
"Alright then! Time for another Markiplier video!" Ruby pressed play.
What looked like a classroom as well as a man with glasses and headphones holding a book appeared. "America was founded in like 148-fuck, I don't know, on the principle of 'fuck you!'"
The girl's jaws dropped to the floor at that. Not only did Markiplier not know the exact year, but apparently he had a simple yet vulgar way of explaining history.
Ruby points at "Markiplier" accusingly. "Swear!" The other three giggled at this.
"I'm with Ruby on this one," Weiss agreed. 'Does he really have to resort to such vulgar language when it comes to this?"
Blake shrugged.
Yang was silent and began to think. On the one hand, she didn't really like that Ruby was present when profanity was used. On the other hand…it's Markiplier. He was funny enough that she couldn't really be mad at him. Plus, Ruby already knew not to swear…at least until she was old enough…perhaps when she was 17 or 18…or maybe never…yeah, that seemed good.
Of course, if Ruby started swearing because of the guy, Yang would make sure to hunt him down and punch him in the gabba (whatever that means)…then get his number…then punch him again.
"That is America. That is the American way."
"Is it?" Weiss asked in a deadpanned tone. "Is it really?"
The others agreed. They wondered if they should take what he's saying seriously.
We have always taught our children bri-straight from birth, 'Fuck you!'" He flipped out his middle finger.
WBY couldn't help but be offended (despite that Markiplier wasn't actually flipping them off) and flip him off as well.
As for Ruby…she saw what they did and couldn't help but flip out her middle finger in curiosity. "What does this mean?"
The girls immediately froze. Oh dear. Poor, sweet, innocent Ruby was not supposed to know about "the finger".
Weiss was the first to react.
"RUBY ROSE, YOU PUT THAT FINGER AWAY AND NEVER DO THAT AGAIN!"
"B-But I-."
"NOW!"
"EEP!" Ruby put the finger away.
Okay, forget what she thought earlier. Yang was definitely gonna hunt down Markiplier and punch him in the gabba multiple times…and then get his number.
He was still flipping the middle finger. "And just fuck all ya'll! And go to hell and let's see how badly we can screw up the entire world!" He stopped with the middle finger.
"He's not really painting a good picture of America, now is he?" Blake couldn't help but ask.
"I'm sure he's just trying to be funny," Ruby assured.
"So anyway-!" The scene changes to an island where a very muscular man with a strange feathered hat and no shirt stood. This was the Native American. Another man with a pilgrim hat approached.
Yang couldn't help but ogle the muscle on the Native American. Hell, she was practically drooling! RWB simply rolled their eyes (with blushes on their faces) and continued the video.
"We landed on the shores of New Jersey, and these swole Native Americans came out and they were all like, 'Sup nerds, nice belt on your hat.'" The Native American poked the hat.
"Not really a good first impression," Weiss commented. "Then again…this obviously wasn't how the first meeting occurred, anyway."
The pilgrim dusted himself off. "And we were all, 'Mmm, I don't much care for you. Mmm, I don't think we're going to get along-.'" The pilgrim suddenly clutched his stomach. "Oh no, we're starving!"
The girls couldn't help but smirk at the pilgrim. "You were saying?" they asked.
"And then they were like, 'You need some protein, bro. Here take this fish-.'" The Native American held out a fish. "-and this corn thing." A bunch of corn suddenly sprouted from the ground.
The girls blinked. "Well," Yang commented. "That was a thing."
The other three nodded.
"And we're like, 'Oh! This is awesome! You guys are amazing! Hey, can we have all this country?"
The girls pretty much gaped at him. After all, who in their right mind just asked if they could have an entire country…whatever that is. Probably somewhat similar to a kingdom, they figured.
"And the swole Native Americans were like, 'I don't know. That doesn't seem very fair to us.'"
Blake winced a little. It was kinda like how it wasn't very fair that the humans back then tried to keep the Faunus contained in Menagerie.
The Native American leaves. "And then they go off their business. And we're like, 'We gotta get rid of these guys cause we're suddenly turning into giant assholes."
The girls snickered at the voice Markiplier was using. Yet, at the same time, they couldn't help but wonder: was this really how this "America" was founded?"
"And then we decide, 'Oh we, cou-cou-we coul- we could cooperate. You-You might need something from us. We might need something from you."
"Oh, gee, wow," Weiss remarks sarcastically. "Nothing suspicious about that."
They all giggled at that.
"And he was like, 'Maybe we need more sweat towels for our massive workouts, cause Native Americans are so amazingly awesome!" Back to regular "Markiplier". "And they are."
"Oh definitely~," Yang purred. RWB looked at Y incredulously.
"What? Doesn't the Native guy look awesome?"
They thought about it and shrugged. Though Ruby wondered where that sweat towel came from.
"But we were like-." Back to the Pilgrim. "Oh, oh, oh, yeah, oh yeah oh yeah oh, oh yeah sure, yeah, yeah sure."
(A/N: I could not, for the life of me, get the entire thing that Pilgrim said. If you've seen the video, then you know what he fully said. Too many "oh's" and "yeah's". Plus, he said it too fast. Same goes for earlier with the "Oh we cou-we cou" part. But hey, I tried.)
"Ok, now he's not even trying to not be suspicious," Weiss remarked.
"I'm pretty sure he just wants to get rid of the Natives as soon as possible," Blake said, though she felt a little bitter. Did the people who found this land really kill the Native Americans?
"I wonder how he plans to get rid of the Native Americans." Ruby asked.
"Hey, uh, Smallpox Larry! You got a few spare blankets that we could toss them?"
RWBY was silent for a full five minutes.
…
…
…
"Wow," Yang said, her eyes starting to turn red. "Not cool, Pilgrim guy. Not. Cool."
"I agree," Weiss concurred, equally angry.
Blake nodded stiffly. "Killing the Natives with something that they have never experienced before and therefore have no cure…how horrible. Effective, but horrible."
Ruby was sad, trying to not let out any tears. How could the people who arrived at the island be like this? They can't have possibly killed these Natives just so they could gain their land, right?
Right?
The scene changes to the classroom. "And then we killed them all!"
Maybe they did.
The scene changes to show two people were listening to him. One looks to the other in confusion.
"Wait, there were other people there?" Yang asked.
"And we killed them all and that's how we started our tradition of 'fuck you'. And then, then we-we were total dickbags. America founded their entire nation on killing people…and taking their stuff."
Well…this certainly painted a bad picture of America. However, RWBY knew that, despite that this was technically history, the video was mainly satirical. They decided to not judge America so harshly. After all, it's not like a country (or kingdom, in their case) can have a pretty beginning.
"And that's the history of America. That is literally all I got for this episode." The video ends with links to other videos, yet the one to the video that the animation is based off of had one final thing to say. "Unless for some damn reason you want me to tell more history of-, what is, what is, what am I even doing here?"
"Uh that's okay Markiplier," Ruby said nervously. "We don't need any more history lessons…and what are you doing really?"
RWBY took a deep breath and let it out.
"Well," Yang started. "That was funny…a bit depressing there for a moment, but funny nonetheless."
"Then why aren't we laughing?" Blake asked.
The team was silent for a couple of minutes. Ruby was the first to break that silence.
"Well, I'm sure this 'America' isn't all that bad. Sure, they had a rough beginning, but maybe they got…better?"
The group was again silent. Though, the more they thought about it, the more they couldn't help but agree with the little reaper. After all, there were bound to be other people who probably didn't know what happened. Plus, what if some Native Americans survived?
"Well, Yang said, back to being cheerful. "There's still the other video."
Ruby groaned a little. "I just said no more history lessons."
"Come one, it'll be alright. Maybe this one will be full-on funny."
Ruby sighed. She really wanted to laugh and not be depressed anymore. "Okay."
She clicked on the other video (Markiplier's History Lessons: Independence Day) and RWBY waited patiently as it loaded. They hoped that it would bring them out of their little funk at the moment.
The video finished loading, and Ruby clicked the play button.
Markiplier is shown in a classroom. "Hello, my name is Markiplier-."
Ruby immediately cheered up and waved happily. "Hi!" WBY waved as well.
"-and get ready to learn about the 4th of July and all its historical historicalness."
Weiss was not amused by this…okay, maybe a little.
"So where we last left off, there was a whole group of pilgrims that had just gotten done murdering everything on the island-."
"He just had to bring that back up again, didn't he?" Weiss asked icily.
"Weiss, calm down," Ruby pleaded. Weiss simply crossed her arms. Though, Ruby had to wonder: did Markiplier really have to make an evil face when he said "murdering"?
"-and then they discovered that it wasn't an island. It was a whole country, filled with promises and dreams and hopes-."
The girls snickered at all the faces he was making, especially the ones at the end there.
"Well," Ruby began. "At least they have new opportunities, right?"
"-which would soon be stomped out for money."
And like that, the mood deflated.
"Yep," Weiss deadpanned. "Definitely plenty of opportunities."
Blake looked at her. "Wouldn't the SDC do the same thing?"
Weiss winced. "…Maybe." Blake smirked.
"So the pilgrims were all like-."
The video shows Markiplier with a pilgrim hat. "Ah, geez, this, this place is kinda great. We could live here forever!"
The girls were trying very hard to not break out into laughter at all the faces Markiplier was making.
"And then there British fathers came in and was all like-."
The video shows a freaked out pilgrim Markiplier being stared down by a…very large and scary-looking Markiplier, who spoke in an equally scary voice.
"Hey?! You making any money?!"
The girls…were currently seeking shelter in the safety that was Ruby's cloak. Who knew they could all hide under it.
"P-Please make the scary man go away," Ruby squeaked.
"D-Don't worry, Rubes," Yang assured, or tried to anyway. "I-It's just a video. H-He can't get us. Right, Blake and Weiss?"
The other two didn't answer for they were trying to hide deeper into the cloak.
"Er wait, they were British, so they were more like-."
The video shows a…weirded out pilgrim Markiplier and a…rather ridiculous-looking giant Markiplier, who spoke in what was clearly a British accent.
"Oi-!" A fart sound was heard. "You making any money?"
…
…
…
…
…
Well, not only did this get rid of the fear they felt, the girls were now doubled over in laughter. The silly accent, combined with the faces, proved to be too much. Though, they found the fart noise to be disgusting.
"And then the early Americans were all like-."
Pilgrim Markiplier appears.
"Uh~. No~" As the pilgrim said this, his hat for some reason grew to a ridiculous size, possibly bigger than a sombrero!
For some reason, the growing hat made the girls giggle. Perhaps their hats grew to indicate that the pilgrims were lying?
…
…
…
Yeah, that seemed about right.
"So the Brits were all like-." The ridiculous Markiplier is shown in a fancy room.
"Eh, buy more tea…and now it is time to make money!"
Is that all these British people care about?" Weiss scoffed. "Money?"
Blake shrugged. "Sometimes it's more important…sometimes…in special cases."
"And then all the Americans were talking to each other and they were all like-."
Male pilgrim appears. "(grunts incoherently) Er, this doesn't seem like a good deal anymore."
Female pilgrim…which is just Markiplier with a wig…appears. "No, no it's not. It seems like the worse kind of deal that we could get.
The girls gawked at both Markiplier with female hair and the ridiculous attempt at a female voice. They giggled but controlled themselves so that they could continue.
The male pilgrim continues. "Maybe we can do something better for ourselves."
The female pilgrim was confused. "Why is your voice getting deeper?"
The male pilgrim appears…with his hat somehow on the side of his head. "Don't ask questions lady! MEN'S VOICES GET DEEP WHEN THEY HIT PUBERTY!"
While that was certainly true, that was no reason to snap at the poor girl.
"How is his hat sticking to his side?" Ruby asked.
"This was probably Photo-shopped," Weiss answered.
The female pilgrim asked, "And where'd your accent go?"
The male pilgrim was now angry. "WHAT'D I TELL YOU ABOUT QUESTIONS?!
"Hey!" Yang exclaimed. "No need to yell at her! She was just asking a question!"
"Yang, calm down," Blake said calmly. "It's just a video."
Yang took a deep breath and nodded.
The female pilgrim asked another question. "Are you Batman?"
The girls prepared themselves for more shouting.
The male pilgrim was hesitant. "Eh, maybe." A Batman mask appeared over his face.
The girls sighed in relief. No shouting, thankfully.
Markiplier reappeared. "So the Americans then decided to reject their British ancestry and forget everything that happened to them before that."
"I bet that includes killing all the Native Americans," Blake mumbles.
The other three gathered around Blake and gave her a group hug. After cheering her up, they went back to the video.
"And then they donned the moniker of being...AMERICAN!" Inspirational music began playing. "Along with it came the powers of greatness…awesomeness…eatingness…eh, goodness-."
To RWBY, it looked like he was running out of things to say.
"…GRATION!"
"EEP!" (Ruby)
"AUGH" (WBY)
Team RWBY fell to the ground, yelping in surprise. They got back up and frowned.
"Don't. Do. That." They said this in annoyance.
"And then there was a war and everyone died…"
RWBY frowned at that. So much for not being depressed.
"…except for the Americans, of course!"
Victory music began playing and a flag appeared. It had blue and red stripes and stars in the corner. This was the American flag, blowing freely and proudly in the wind.
RWBY smiled. So it wasn't completely depressing. They knew that people died in war. Even Ruby knew that. Which was why they wanted to make the world better.
"We beat everybody into a bloody pulp-." Markiplier is shown repeatedly punching a British soldier, who said "oweth". "-so that they weren't even recognizable by their own mums."
Ruby and Yang frowned at that last part…you can understand why. No need to explain.
"And we-." Markiplier stuttered a little. "-became king of the world! All of us. Each of us. Every one of us."
"Oh really?" RWBY asked with raised eyebrows.
"There was George-." A Markiplier with a white wig appears.
"-um, Franklin-." A Markiplier who was bald on top but had hair flowing downwards on the side appeared.
"-Billy and Batman." Two Markipliers, one with a kids hat that had a spin on it and the other with a Batman mask, appeared.
RWBY giggled at the look that each Markiplier shared. They were pretty sure that the first two were actual people who were there in America, while the other two…well, they couldn't be sure.
"All together sitting on top of the world." The four Markipliers were in fact on top of the world…a world on fire, but a world nonetheless.
"Uh, they all had ivory towers." Four ivory towers appeared on the world.
"And big 'ol crowns." A crown appeared on each Markiplier...with the last one being bigger and making a fart sound.
This time, the girls actually giggled.
'Geez," Yang said. "I think he's just making this up as he goes along."
The others nodded in agreement.
"…their dicks were huge-." A censored dick appeared.
RWBY blushed furiously, with WBY covering Ruby's eyes. A little late for that, but oh well.
"R-Really?!" Weiss exclaimed, still blushing. "H-Has he no decency?!"
A blushing Yang retorted. "T-To be fair, he's just trying to be funny."
"S-Still though!"
Despite this, the memory of that dick will forever be in their memories…poor Ruby. Maybe if she's lucky, she'll have repressed that part of the video.
Of course, now the girls will undoubtedly fantasize about Markiplier because of this…not a bad thing, they figured, so long as those fantasies weren't too out of control.
Markiplier returns. The background shows a group of people gathered to sign something.
"And then they signed the Declaration of Independence on July 4th, 19-uh, erm-." He stutters. "A looooooooooooonnnnnggg time ago!"
Weiss deadpans. "He doesn't even know his own history."
"He's just trying to be funny," Ruby defended.
The background shows fireworks. "And that's why we shoot fireworks up into the sky every year." Markiplier seemed sinister at that last part.
Ruby shivered. 'Why does he look sinister all of a sudden?"
"…because they mask us preemptively striking the aliens in space…WITH THEIR MISSILES!"
"GAH!" They all exclaimed in surprise at Markiplier getting up close and personal, causing them to fall back on their butts, with Ruby falling over her chair.
The video ends.
RWBY gets up from the ground and are unable to stifle their giggles.
"Heh heh, he really knows how to make a funny face, huh?" Yang asks.
"Knows?!" Ruby exclaims. "He's the master of it!"
Weiss and Blake grinned in agreement. Looks like this video got them out of the mood they were in before.
RWB noticed Yang leaving the room.
"Where're you going, sis?"
"Oh nowhere," she replied nonchalantly. "Just going to find Markiplier and maybe punch him in the gabba."
"Oh…what's a gabba?"
Yang paused. "I…don't know."
Silence.
…
…
…
"Well, I'm off to find Markiplier." Yang makes to leave while muttering, "And maybe get his number."
Unfortunately, Blake heard that. "Excuse me?"
Yang froze. "H-Huh?"
Blake had a dark aura about her. "Did you just say that you were gonna get Markiplier's number?"
Having heard that, Ruby and Weiss also had a dark aura about them.
"H-Hey, come on, guys," Yang stuttered. "I was just j-joking around and in no way going behind your backs."
This did not placate them and only caused them to stalk towards her.
Yang gulped.
Jaune happened to be returning to his team's room. As he approached, he heard a ruckus coming from the open dorm of Team RWBY. Curious, he decided to look inside.
Needless to say, he sweatdropped.
There was a huge dust cloud in the middle of the room. The sounds of a fight were heard, which made sense considering all the flailing arms and legs.
Jaune, wanting to be kept intact, decided to ignore it and silently closed RWBY's dorm room.
Nope, do not want.
He returned to his dorm room in bliss, ignoring the scuffle occurring in RWBY's room.
A/N: Well, that's taken care of. Looks like Markiplier avoided getting punched in the gabba.
Now then, let's take a look at the poll that'll decide who will play I Am Bread:
Blake – 0
Ren – 3
Ozpin – 4
Hmm, doing well so far. I'm surprised not a single person decided to vote for Blake. Oh well. Anyway Ozpin is in the lead, with Ren close behind. Remember, there's still plenty of time to vote, so if you haven't, be sure to cast your vote on who should play I Am Bread.
Be sure to follow and fav to be kept in the loop on future updates. Also, leave a review. Did you enjoy this chapter? Are enjoying the story so far? Have any suggestions for future chapters? Who do you want to see play I Am Bread? Leave it all, as well as any comments, in a review.
That's pretty much it. Time for bed.
LATERS!