Disclaimer: I'm still never going to own ER. Also, no intended infringement on Veuve Cliquot-Ponsardin Champagne House (its fabulous!!)
Note: would have updated sooner but have just moved flats and it's box-unpacking madness, should become a professional nomad! Anyhoo, here's the next instalment. Lots of sparkly thanks to all of u for the reviews xxx
Neela flicked on the light switch as Ray closed the front door behind him. Looking up to view Neela's new abode, he felt his heart skip a beat and he had to blink a couple of times to take in the sight. It was almost the same layout as his apartment when they had been roomies with furniture placed in much the same positions. Was this deliberate on Neela's part or had it been a subconscious action?
As if reading his mind, Ray's ex-roomie smiled a little sheepishly.
"It's ok, you're not in the twilight zone. When I moved in I spent ages trying to arrange everything and eventually the most practical way was like how it was at our…uh…your place." She shook her head slightly at the slip hoping that Ray hadn't noticed. Moving quickly on, Neela headed to the fridge and peered inside, "What's your poison? There's the usual in here…"
"Uh, I'll just take a beer." Ray was surprised by how quickly and easily they slipped back into their old comfortable habits. He was equally surprised by how similarly she had kept her apartment as he had imagined she would have completely changed everything when everything around them, between them, had changed.
Neela returned from the fridge armed with a couple of bottles and an opener. Automatically, they sat down together on the squashy sofa, popped the caps and propped their feet up on the coffee table. It was as if they had gone back to a time where they had no cares other than work, gigs and Celebrity Poker.
Ray had noticed the slip and as they sipped silently at their beers, he wanted nothing more than to ask Neela to return to their apartment. After the initial heartache of watching Neela speed away in the taxi and returning to a now half-empty apartment, Ray had thought he would simply restore it to the bachelor pad of old. However, having spent an hour moving things around, he realised that he didn't want to go back to pre-Neela days and so took another hour to move things back again.
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"Oh God, I remember that! Dubenko had me in such a panic about my presentation I had to get you to fax me all those bloody data tables…much good it did me in the end!"
A couple of hours and several beers later had seen them chatting and reminiscing like old times with no sign of any of the earlier tension. Neela had long since kicked off her shoes which were now residing in a far corner of the room and Ray was in his customary slouch, suit jacket slung carelessly over the back of the sofa. The laughter felt good, it had been such a long time since either of them had been able to let go so completely and it was the type laughter that could only be shared by people who knew each other inside out.
Now though, Neela's big grin slowly faded as she remembered the events that followed that presentation, the self-revelations that had led to her decision to move out. Ray's grin had also dimmed as his mind recalled that night. The silence returned until, at last, Ray spoke, uncaring about the possible consequences.
"So what happened? Why then?" His brows were knitted with confusion, his eyes conveying many other unvoiced questions.
For a fleeting moment, Neela considered pleading ignorance as to the subject of Ray's enquiry before rejecting that course of action. She owed him much more than that but where to begin? She had spent so much energy not thinking about it that even she was no longer sure of the exact timing.
Minutes passed where Ray thought that she was simply going to ignore him until…
"It…it…was after the presentation," Neela stammered the first sentence, tripping over her words, "we…uh…we were in the bar and talking about previous professional disasters when I was telling Dubenko about how much I would…um… rather be at home hanging out with my…my…room-mate." Neela didn't look up, preferring to keep her eyes focused on the beer label.
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The bottle stopped mid-way to Ray's lips when he heard her last words. He had had no idea, not really, he had thought it was more wishful thinking on his part. Ray didn't speak, knew that he had to let Neela carry on in her own time.
"That was when. I was married, it should have been that I would rather have been with my husband but…" Neela took a deep breath, "…but he didn't even cross my mind, not 'til afterwards anyway." Her thumbnail had begun picking at the label, scraping at the glue.
"It wasn't right. I had to choose." Her voice was calm and it was now that she looked directly in his eyes.
His breath caught in his throat. Her liquid brown eyes were pleading with him to understand. How could he not? Michael was a decent guy and Neela being the person she was could never have forgiven herself for any betrayal even if it were for the right reasons.
"And Gates?" Gates, he couldn't forgive.
"I told you at the wedding, he was new, easy…"
Ray snorted at the word "easy". Neela brought her attention back to the label, unable to meet Ray's eyes anymore. He immediately felt bad and he instinctively took her hand. "I'm sorry, Neela, it's just that, well, I mean Gates of all people!" He couldn't hide his frustration.
"I know," her voice was small. "I don't know what else to say…or do."
Do? What did she mean do? Puzzlement entered green eyes as he asked, "How do you mean?" Dare he hope? Look what had happened last time he did that!
"I don't love him and I don't want to love him." Neela closed her eyes. "I wish…I wish I had done things differently."
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Neela held onto Ray's hand as tightly as she dared to. He had always known what to do, even at the start before any feelings had got in the way. Although they had fought like cat and dog in the early days of living together, they had eventually fallen into a steady rhythm where he would make a mess, she would tidy up and then he would apologise by bringing home pizza with extra anchovies.
Now he was sitting next to her again, she felt safe, safe enough that she had told him the secret which she had hadn't been able to tell anyone, not even Abby. It was funny, she was supposed to be 'the sensible one' and inside, she felt anything but. To make matters worse, it had taken months of pushing her old flat-mate into Katey's arms to make her realise her mistake and the only way to solve it was to hurt at least 2 more people in the process with no guarantee of happiness for either herself or Ray.
Suddenly, Neela jumped up off the sofa and made her way back to the fridge and pulled out a bottle of Veuve Cliquot-Ponsardin. She had been saving it for a while and she guessed that now was as good a time as any to open it.
"Neela, are you sure that's such a good idea? It's kinda late." Ray's tone was doubtful.
She glanced at the clock on the sideboard, 3.47am. Neela shrugged, "It's New Year and champagne is made for celebrations, right?" She paused. "It's ok, you don't have to stay if you need to get back." Her fingers began peeling off the foil top and untwisting the little wire cap.
Ray watched her for a moment then sighed softly to himself, he was going to have to make it up to Katey big-time for this. He got up and moved across to Neela. "Here, you get the glasses and I'll uncork it."
There was a satisfying 'pop', champagne was poured and they clinked their glasses together before savouring that first sip.
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It was after 5 in the morning now and they were slumped together on the sofa, a new bottle of wine opened. Although definitely not sober, their drinking had been the steady kind which once far enough along, had led the drinkers into retrospective mood.
"If anybody had told me that life was going to be this hard, I would have asked for my money back." Neela frowned at Ray's laughter at her remark. "It's true, they don't give you a handbook or anything! Just, 'there you go, enjoy!'. Nobody to look after you, keep a look out for you."
Ray moved back slightly to regard her, surprised. "That's not true, there's always someone there." His voice softened. "you just need to notice them."
She said nothing, knew he was right. It was a little while before she replied.
"I think I looked too hard after Michael. Didn't see what was right in front of me at the time or for a long time after that."
"And now?" his voice a whisper.
"Now? Now, I think I'm too late."