Chapter 4
Dear Dad,
It's been two days now and things haven't gotten any better around here. Everybody's tense and avoiding each other, no one is talking or joking, and we're messing up every job the Colonel orders us to do. It's awful. At roll call, when we all have to be together, everyone tries to stand as far away as they can, and no one even wants to look at anyone else.
I think I've spent the whole time between then and now trying to figure it all out, and the only thing I can think of, is that maybe Colonels aren't supposed to apologize. Sure, the Colonel has never been like that; he's always been able to admit when he's made a bad call about a mission, or over-acted a part. But this is different, and maybe an officer can only admit to so much in front of his men. I remember you telling me that most officers wouldn't think it was right to ask forgiveness from their men, even when they knew they'd actually made a mistake and wanted to say they were sorry. You tried explaining different things about fraternization and discipline, and that it wasn't just about keeping up an image. It was hard for me to understand, but you kept going on about it because you could see that I didn't get it - it was so different from how things were at home.
But I guess it's one thing to remember this, and another thing to accept it. As much as I'm trying to understand the Colonel and why he's doing what he's doing, I'm still mad because it's his job to keep the team together. If everyone is fighting with each other and can't work together, then we're in serious trouble because around here that can get you killed!
Maybe he doesn't know how badly we feel about not being able to help Lebeau, and that everyone's upset because he's the one who put us in that situation. And okay, maybe it's unfair of us to feel like he let us down, but if he'd just talk about it, everybody might feel less resentment. But it's like he doesn't see that.
The thing is, Colonel Hogan's so darn smart. I wouldn't have thought in a million years that he'd miss something like this. You know what I think? I think he actually feels a lot worse than we think he does. That could be why he won't talk about it.
Do you remember that watch your grandpa gave you? The one he had during the Civil war? And remember how I took it to school one day to show off to the other kids and then I lost it? Well, the whole way home that day, I was thinking up arguments in my head as to why it wasn't my fault. I was thinking, "Some dirty, rotten stink must have stolen it," and "It's not fair! You should be able to trust people," and things like that. By the time I got home I was actually mad, and as soon as I saw you, I started yelling them out all in a rush, like I had even more right than you to be angry; like it was everybody's fault but mine.
But I knew even then, as soon as the watch was gone, that it WAS my fault. I wasn't even scared about how badly you were going to punish me. Well okay, maybe I was a little, but mostly I was just so upset cause I knew how much that watch meant to you. I don't think I was ever so sorry for anything in my life, but I couldn't bring myself to admit it because it hurt too much. So I got defensive, and I think I thought up those arguments just to justify myself to myself.
And that's what the Colonel was like the other morning when he was yelling at me. It took me a little while to see it, but he had had his arguments all ready, like he'd thought them up before he even saw me. And they came out almost as fast as mine did back then, cause he'd probably come up with them before he'd even got back to camp.
So maybe that's why he's not talking to us - because he feels guilty.
Newkirk too. I mean, when he flew off the handle the other day, it was only because that's how he gets when he's scared for one of us. Like when Lebeau and I were late getting back from a pick-up once; the first thing he did when he saw us was demand to know where we'd been and what kept us. Or when Lebeau fell off the roof trying to fix a leak - Newkirk started cursing Klink for being at his stupid astrologer's instead doing his duty in camp. (1)
I'm not so sure why exactly Kinch is mad. I wouldn't blame him if he was honestly angry at the Colonel. Out of all of us, he's got the most reason to be - well, except for Lebeau, I guess - since the Colonel being gone is what forced all of that responsibility on him. But sitting there with him that night, and seeing what he was going through, I think I know what he's thinking now. He's thinking that he should have found a way to help Lebeau - that there was a solution and he didn't find it. That he let us down or something. I bet he's also thinking that if the Colonel had been there, that he would have found an answer. I don't know about that, but I sure as heck didn't have one to give him, and I know how that feels.
Okay, so now I can understand why everyone's feeling so bad. But what good does all of this do us? And what happens if we don't get past it? I'm worried that things aren't ever going to be the same around here.
There's only one thing I can do. I don't want to, but I'm sick of sitting around and doing nothing. If I've learned anything from being here, it's that sometimes you've got to stand up and do something, even if what you're doing seems like the dumbest thing you could do.
But jeez, I'm going to end up being court-martialled for sure!
----
It's later Dad - nearly midnight - and I'll tell you, it's been one heck of a day!
I decided that I had to go to the Colonel and try and talk some sense into him. Me! Nobody wants to listen to me at the best of times. It was like deciding I was going to walk into a bear cage.
I had no idea what I was going to say, or how I was even going to get him to sit down and talk to me in the first place, but what else could I do? Even if I convinced Kinch and Newkirk to try and put everything behind them, they would never really be able to, unless they sorted it out with the Colonel first.
The Colonel was in his office, and no one else was in the barracks. Which isn't so strange now that I think about it - since they were all avoiding him - but this morning all I thought was that I was glad they weren't there to see what I was about to do. In fact, I probably wouldn't have been able to go through with it, if they'd been there to see me staring at his door like an idiot, trying to work up my nerve to go in. I must have hemmed and hawed for ten minutes; I'd take a step forward and raise my fist to knock, then change my mind and jump back fast, in case he came out and saw me.
Anyway, he must have heard me, cause all of a sudden he shouted, "Oh for God's sake - what is it?" and I nearly had a heart attack.
"It's me sir. Can I come in? I want to talk to you. I'm sorry, I mean I need to talk to you. Or no, I would like to - "
I really was that flustered, (though I don't suppose you'll have much trouble believing that!) and even though I couldn't see him, I knew he was rolling his eyes, just from the way he said, "Come in Carter."
I came in a bit carefully, trying to figure out what kind of mood he was in. "Thanks Colonel."
"Something up?" He didn't sound like he was in the mood to talk, but he wasn't snapping at me either. It could be that he was trying to be patient with me because he felt bad about the other day.
"No sir, I just want…uh, would like…"
"You need something Carter?"
Well yeah, I did - I needed everybody to start talking again. But I don't think that's what he meant. I think he was talking about chemicals for a bomb or a new toothbrush or something.
"No sir, nothing like that. I just think we all…should…you know, talk -" He glared at me and I really started sweating then. What was I doing? He's a Colonel for Pete's sake! But I was here now, so I took a deep breath and tried again, "I think you need to talk to everyone about the night Lebeau got sick."
He stood up. "Are you telling me my duty, Sergeant?" he asked.
Don't get me wrong, I was still scared, but I was getting pretty ticked off now too. Somebody had to do something about what was happening, and he had to see that it couldn't be one of us, so I crossed my arms over my chest, jutted out my chin and looked him in the eye. "Yeah, I am!" I told him. He wasn't exactly quaking in his boots, that's for sure, but he was startled enough that he looked like he'd listen - for a minute or so anyway.
"I know you feel bad about what happened," I kept going, "and I don't think it was your fault, but things stink around here and it's your job to smooth it out!"
I couldn't believe I was talking to the Colonel like this, but what was even harder to understand was why he was taking it. I fully expected that any minute he'd turn me around and shove me out the door with a boot to my rear. But he just seemed tired. "Why? Tell me why it always have to fall to me."
He wasn't making any sense at all. "Because you're the Colonel!"was all I could say.
"And so what - I'm always supposed to solve everything?"
"Yes!"
I think that surprised him. Then he started to shake his head sadly, as if I didn't understand what he was saying; either that or I was so blind that he couldn't even stay mad at me. "Carter, it's not that simple."
"Yeah sir, it is. You're the one in charge." He looked like he was going to say something, but I went on, "You may not like it - I can't even imagine how hard it must be sometimes - but that's how it is. You're the Colonel and it's your job to sort this out - that's what they made you a Colonel for."
Quick as a flash, his tone got sharper. "I don't need you to point out the facts of life to me - "
"Really?" I interrupted, not even thinking about how much trouble I could get into. "Cause everybody around here is doing nothing but fight with each other and you're sitting in here in your quarters and ignoring it!"
"Don't be belligerent with me, Carter. It doesn't suit you."
"I'm not trying…" I started pacing around, waving my hands. I was so frustrated - I needed him to understand! Everybody was upset about stuff that didn't matter and all that was important was what happened that night. "Don't you get it?" I asked him. "Don't you realize what we went through?"
I sat down on his chair and suddenly I couldn't look at him. "Don't you get it?" I asked him again. "We all just sat there and watched him! He's our friend and we didn't do anything for him. And all we had to do was open the door. Just open the door and get a guard. That's it. That's all we had to do, but we didn't. We just sat around watched him get sicker and sicker because we were too dumb to find the answer that could have saved the both of you. I kept trying and trying to think of something to suggest to Kinch, but I couldn't. That whole night was so…so…"
I looked up and it was like I was pleading for him to understand. "Colonel… even with a dog dying in the street, you'd try to get him to a vet if you could. But we didn't do anything! It was Lebeau, and we didn't do anything!"
He put his hand on my shoulder. Then he asked quietly, "And so you blame me for that?"
"Aw sir, no! That's not what I'm trying to say!" I shrugged his hand off, still frustrated. Jeez, I must have said it all wrong! "We don't blame you - not really. We're blaming ourselves. We're all feeling so guilty we can barely stand it, and now we're taking it out on you and on each other. But you see, that's why you've got to do something! I know it's only been a couple of days, but the way it is right now, we're not a team. And how are we supposed to beat the Germans if we're not all together like we were? How are we even supposed to survive being here when things are like this?"
He sat down on his bottom bunk and looked at me. "I don't know…" he started to say, but then he trailed off. For a minute I thought he was going to confide in me, but I'll never be the one he'll reveal his secrets to. If he's ever going to tell anybody anything, it'll probably be Kinch. Or maybe - just maybe - Newkirk or Lebeau, but not me.
"Don't worry Carter," was all he said. "I'll sort it out."
"Okay Colonel." I got up to leave.
"By the way Sergeant," he said as I was half way out the door, "if you ever think to be that presumptuous with me again, I'll have every stripe on your sleeve."
"Yes sir." I knew he was serious, but I was so relieved that it was hard to keep myself from grinning, and so I high-tailed it out of there before he could change his mind.
After that, I sat on my bunk for a little while. I had worked myself up so much to get the guts to talk to the Colonel, that I was feeling a bit giddy now that it was all over. That's where I was when Newkirk came in. I didn't say anything to him, but I was watching him as he poured himself a cup of coffee.
He must have caught me looking at him. "What do you want, Carter?" he asked.
"I want to apologize."
He looked at me. "Really?"
"Yeah. I'm sorry I called you a coward, Newkirk. I didn't mean it. And you were right - I didn't want think about what the Colonel did. Cause if we couldn't count on him…"
He came over and sat down on the bench facing me. "I'm sorry too mate. And I've been thinking about it - the gov'nor didn't do anything that bad. It just worked out that way. He should have thought about how we'd worry, but who here wouldn't grab the chance to play with a pretty fraulein, if the opportunity came up?" He shrugged. "I was probably only jealous, like Baker said."
"No you weren't Newkirk," I told him. "You were upset because you were worried about Lebeau. You do that. Worry about people I mean. Like when you told General Barton about what Colonel Hogan really does around here, cause it bothered you that he thought badly of the Colonel. Or when you didn't want to make that propaganda broadcast on the radio cause you thought it'd hurt Berlin Betty's family if the Germans found out it was really a secret message. Or even that time you got transferred for escaping and the Colonel told you to get away and take the escape route to London, but you went back and got that girl cause you were worried the Germans would hurt her. I mean, sure, okay, she turned out to be Gestapo, but - " I was rattling all this off when I looked up to see Newkirk staring at me. (2) "What is it?" I asked. I swear, half the time I can never figure out why the guys are always giving me these funny looks!
He shook his head, but he was smiling at the same time. "Nothing," he said, "It's nothing. It's just that I never thought - " Then he slapped me on the knee. "Doesn't matter anyway mate. But you know, I wasn't right either. Tearing down the gov'nor for something any of us would've done, and bringing everyone down…well, that was hardly doing anything useful, was it now? When life goes arse-about-face, any old sod can start moaning."
"I guess."
"But as my Mum used to say: It's no use crying over spilt milk; it only makes it salty for the cat," he said. "And everything is going to be alright now. So come on, barracks four and seven are having a football match - a proper one. Let's go and watch."
"Sure. Say, is that how that saying goes? I've never heard that part about the cat before."
"Mum must've made it up," he said as we went outside. (Turns out he was lying Dad.) "And by the way mate, about that Nazi bird, I only went after her because she was right gorgeous, so don't get any daft ideas that I'll be coming after you if you get in trouble."
I nodded and said, "Unh huh," but I knew he was only teasing. He went cause he felt bad she might get into trouble, no matter what he wants the rest of us to believe.
Anyway, we didn't get to watch the soccer game. (That's what Newkirk means when he says "proper" football.) We were only out there five minutes when Olsen came out and said that the Colonel had asked Kinch to come to his office.
"You think this is about the other night, or just camp business?" Newkirk asked him.
"It's about the other night," I said and they both looked at me as if wondering how I knew for sure.
"Let's go listen in," Newkirk said.
"Newkirk, that's spying!"
"And we're spies Carter! So it's all right for us to do it. We're just doing what comes natural-like."
"Not with each other!"
"Look, the gov'nor always says that our survival depends on us finding out all the information we can get our hands on, right? To be aware of everything going on around us?"
"Well…"
"And so we have to know what's going on with the team, don't we?"
"I suppose." I still wasn't sure - I figured there had to be some argument I should be making.
"So c'mon. Besides, think of this as practice. Elementary eavesdropping." He grinned, and started pulling me back to the hut by yanking on my sleeve.
I tell you, I just don't know what Mom is going to say when she finds out about all this.
Anyway, that's how all three of us ended up standing outside the Colonel's door and listening in. I got a bit discouraged - I'd never heard the Colonel sound so awkward before. Not that it would have been awkward by anybody else's standards, but you know what I mean. The first thing he had to do was convince Kinch to sit down.
"Are you ordering me to stay?" Kinch asked and he was pretty blunt about it.
"No," the Colonel said first, then he sighed. "On second thought, strike that. I'd prefer you to stay, but I'll make it an order if I have to. We've got some things to sort out."
"Fine."
We heard some moving around as they pulled out the chairs, then we heard the Colonel clear his throat. "Look Kinch, I'm going to talk to all the guys, but I thought that I should give you an apology first," he said. "I'm very sorry for what I did. It was a grave error in judgement and very selfish. I certainly never meant for this to happen, but it was foolish of me not to see that trouble coming up while I was out was a real possibility. I guess this situation could have come up at any time, but maybe going outside is a risk I should only take if it's absolutely necessary."
The Colonel really sounded like he was sorry; I found myself wishing that I could see Kinch's face so I'd know how he was taking it. He kept going, "I always planned on apologizing to Lebeau, but I'm sorry that I thought that he was the only one I owed one to. I'm sorry for what I made all of you go through, but especially for leaving you with the decision you had to make Kinch."
He paused for a second before he went on, "As a Colonel, asking forgiveness from an enlisted man is not encouraged. Whatever questioning of your orders they've done, the men under you are expected to abide by your authority, and it is not your place to acknowledge whatever mistakes you've made in front of them. I didn't know how to get around this, but in the end it's simple: as one man to another, James," the Colonel said, making a special point of using Kinch's first name, "I'm asking you to forgive me."
My stomach got all tight when I didn't hear Kinch say anything. I could picture the Colonel standing there, holding his hand out, and Kinch just looking at it.
"Colonel…" Kinch finally started to say, but then seemed to have trouble going on. "Colonel," he began again, and Newkirk, Olsen and I held our breaths. "That was a hell of decision you forced me to make! It wasn't just about 'Do I get help for Lebeau or not?' I was choosing between the two of you. I thought I might literally be choosing which one of you was going to die that night. I could keep you safe, but only if I risked letting Lebeau's appendix burst. I could help Lebeau, but then Hochstettor would have found you missing and that would have been that."
"I know Kinch - "
"But I don't even think that that was the worst part. I think the worst part of it is that I did make the decision."
"I don't understand."
"I did choose. It's funny - I thought that if I hadn't made a decision, that if I'd screwed up by being paralyzed by choice or second guessing myself, that that's what would have been harder to live with. But that night I looked at two of my friends and choose one over the other, and now that's what I can't seem to accept. Do you see what I'm saying? Can you understand why it's hard to forgive you?"
"Trust me Kinch, I understand. But if it makes you feel better, you didn't choose me over Lebeau. You choose the camp, the operation, not me."
"But - "
"No. No buts Kinch. Look, do you remember when Townsend had Carter, and he ran off into the woods? Do you have any idea how much I wanted to go and look for him? But I had to think of the rest of you." (3)
"But we were willing to look for him. We wanted to take the risk."
"Really?" I asked Newkirk outside the door, but he just shot an elbow into my ribs to tell me to shut up.
"I know you did, but that didn't matter," the Colonel was saying. "You weren't in charge. It's my job to think of all of you, and to think of your welfare even when you don't. I had to make a decision I hated, for the good of the whole camp, even if it made you hate me. And that's just what you did. As hard as it was, you choose the safety of everyone in camp over one friend."
"I'm not entirely sure that's true sir."
"What do you mean?"
"Part of me wonders if I choose you over Lebeau because I weighed the contributions you both make, and I considered you more important. Or even that maybe I choose you because you were a better friend." I never thought I'd hear Kinch sound so ashamed, Dad.
"Don't beat yourself up about it Kinch," the Colonel tried to comfort him. "When I decided we should come back instead of looking for Carter…well, I can't say I never questioned my motivations. I'll admit there have been times when I've wondered whether I was thinking less about the entire camp and more about the safety of the rest of you who were with me that night. But that's only natural. I knew you better, I'd worked with you more - there was naturally going to be a part of me that wondered how selfish my reasons really were. About whether I was being noble or just thinking that losing one friend was a better consolation than losing them all. However, I know that deep down, the men here at camp were part of the decision I made. And I know that whatever you might think, they were for you too."
Kinch was unsure. "I don't know…"
"I do, Sergeant. There's no doubt in my mind on that score."
"What about Lebeau? How do you think he will he feel about all of this? I know at first he begged me not to get help until you came back, but how can he not resent the fact that I didn't choose to help him? How can a guy not be mad, when he's lying there in pain, and he sees his friends just standing around, seemingly ignoring him, and not doing a thing to help? It's one thing to be noble and say you'll make that kind of sacrifice, but it's another to realize that your own friends are more than willing to take you up on it."
"I don't know Kinch. I guess we'll deal with that when he comes back. But he's a good man. In the end, he'll forgive us."
"Yeah, he is, and yeah, he'll probably forgive us. But I still don't know how I'm going to face him again after doing what I did."
"You did what you had to. And facing men again, after you've nearly gotten them killed, is yet another burden of command. After every mission, after every stunt or scheme, you've got to look them in the eye and say, "I need you to do it again tomorrow." "
"How do you do it, sir?"
"I don't know. I think somehow I just end up doing it because I have to," the Colonel explained. Then he said, "Cheer up Kinch, Lebeau is going to be fine. Besides, I'm the one he's going to be mad at once he finds out what his noble sacrifice was really for."
Kinch laughed a little at that. "Maybe not sir - Lebeau might be the one man who'd understand risking it all for a night with a woman!"
"Only if he's the one doing the risking. I'd better hope for my sake that there's some pretty nurses waiting on him hand and foot at the hospital!" Then the Colonel's tone changed. "So Kinch, do I have your forgiveness?"
"Yeah, but just…just tell me why you did it, sir."
"I wish I had a real reason Kinch. Did you ever have a time when you felt things had been weighing down on your shoulders for a little too long, and then you somehow lucked out and found something that made you forget it for a few hours? I don't know Kinch…I'm ashamed to say it now, but I stayed out because I was just feeling too good and it was too hard to deny myself. I kept telling myself, "Just a half hour more," and then the night simply got away from me. I don't know how in the world I can ever make it up to the rest of you, but that's all it was."
"Yeah, okay," Kinch said softly. "I understand."
"Can you forgive me though?"
"Well, we all have our moments of weakness. It would be wrong not to forgive you yours, especially since you've never really had one when it comes to us before. So yes, I can forgive you."
"Thank you, Kinch."
And so well, that's the story Dad. Everything looks like it's going to be okay. Newkirk, Olsen and I stopped listening after that, even though Kinch and the Colonel talked quite a bit longer. The important part was that Kinch forgave him. Afterwards, the Colonel apologized to the whole barracks and, even though things are still a little awkward because we're all feeling a bit embarrassed about how badly we acted, nobody seems to be mad anymore. Which is good, because that way when Lebeau gets back, we can concentrate on making things up to him. Not to mention, life in this camp is a little easier to bear, since we can all talk to each other now. But you know, I'm still glad I wrote you this letter. It's been almost as good as talking to you again.
----
Carter paused in his writing. It had been good, but now that it was done, he found himself with the same terrible ache in his heart that he thought he'd left behind him all those years ago.
----
But it's made me sad too Dad, because I know that no matter what happens, I'll never get to hear what you really think about it all.
I miss you.
Your loving son,
Andrew
(1) "Diamonds in the Rough" and "The Gypsy"
(2) "The General Swap", "Is There A Traitor in the House?" and "Sticky Wicket Newkirk"
(3) See my first story, "Emanations of Hate"