AU Prompt: "my neighbour keeps ordering weird shit but they don't want to face the mailperson's judgement so they keep using my address instead"
Prompt found here: post/114657284183/meet-weird-aus
Note: This is pretty silly and I'm not completely happy with it, but I thought I would share it all the same. Hope you enjoy this random, neighbours AU piece! Thank you for the favourites and alerts. I would love to hear what you all thought of this chapter!
The knock comes as she's right in the middle of fixing dinner and Felicity groans because her front door has never been so fracking popular.
Okay, fixing dinner might be a slight exaggeration.
She hates to cook - though she loves to eat - so it's a real conundrum. But she's at least throwing some food together to make a meal, even if most of it started in the freezer and will come out of the microwave.
At least she made it with her own two hands instead of calling the Thai place. Or the pizza place. Or the Indian place… who all know her by name and face.
Leaving said appliance to finish heating her dinner, Felicity trudges to the front door, a now familiar path. She wonders what it will be this time, but doesn't bother guessing. She's a smart, educated, worldly woman, and so far every single thing that's been delivered has been an item that she didn't even know a person could buy.
But buy them you can, and she wonders when the shopping spree will end.
"Hey, Bill," she says in greeting once she spies which delivery person it is today. There are three that seem to rotate through their building and over the past few weeks she's gotten to know all three.
Which really says something about her neighbour's insane spending habits.
"Felicity. Sign here please." He hands her the electronic pad and she tries to spy what weird thing the delivery person thinks she's bought today.
The first few times she'd tried to explain, stammering out some kind of surprised babble because she most definitely had not bought severed mouse heads, or men's handerpants, or canned unicorn meat. But Bill, and his delivery buddies Esteban and Susan, had all just nodded like they'd heard it all before. None of them believed that she hadn't ordered those insane things.
So she's stopped trying to deny it. It's frustrating, not to mention annoying, but really, what does it matter if a couple UPS delivery people think she's a weirdo with an online shopping addiction?
She hands the pad back to Bill and he passes her the latest package. It's in a box clearly labelled 'Kangaroo Scrotum' and she stares at it in disbelief.
"You have got to be kidding me," she grinds out.
Not only is it completely disgusting, but kangaroos are definitely the creepiest animal on the face of the planet. Felicity is completely creeped out by them and has been ever since her school trip to Roos-and-More in second grade.
The rest of her classmates had been eager and excited to get up close and personal with the kangaroos, sloths, zebras and other animals that the zoo housed. Felicity had been excited too, until she'd come face to face with their largest kangaroo. It had sized her up with its beady little eyes and Felicity swore that she saw pure evil swimming in its gaze.
She hadn't stuck around to see what nastiness that kangaroo would get up to next. She'd spent the remainder of the trip in the bird sanctuary, with a lovely owl who did not seem to be the devil's spawn incarnate.
In any case, kangaroos are something that she does not enjoy. This is the last straw.
She tucks the package under her arm and stalks across the hallway, pounding on the door of 4B without a thought.
It swings open and she's faced with Shirtless Oliver Queen.
Dammit.
Shirtless Oliver Queen is one of her favourite Oliver Queen's. He's right up there with Suspenders Oliver Queen and Tan Leather Jacket Oliver Queen.
Okay, fine, he's definitely the best Oliver Queen and her eyes unconsciously drift over his body, taking in the well-defined muscles, the way his hipbones create a little 'V' that trails into the waistband of his jeans.
Realizing that she's basically ogling her very good-looking neighbour, Felicity quickly snaps her eyes back up to his face. There's a small smile playing around his mouth, but he's as serious as ever. She swears that the guy never laughs. Every time she comes over here to deliver his ridiculous shit he just thanks her with a stony look and shuts the door in her face.
She stares at his mouth for a moment, wondering what he'd look like if he actually smiled. Probably drop-dead gorgeous, she figures. He's handsome as anything when he's all serious and broody. A smile would only brighten his face, lighten the heavy look in his eyes.
Speaking of his eyes, the dark brows above them draw together and she realizes that she's still staring at him.
Remembering the package under her arm she holds it out to him. "Your kangaroo scrotum was delivered to my apartment. Accident, right?"
The corner of his mouth twitches, but otherwise he doesn't outwardly react, just reaches out to take the box from her hand. "Thanks."
"Thanks?" she repeats sarcastically. "You had the body part of literally the creepiest animal in the world purposely delivered to my doorstep. It was one thing when it was wolf urine, but now it's actual kangaroo scrotums! Really? This is getting completely out of hand! My apartment is not a personal delivery service for your weird online shopping addiction"
He has the good grace to look moderately embarrassed. "I'm not addicted to online shopping."
Felicity rolls her eyes. "Is this some weird sex thing?"
His mouth drops open and once the words catch up with her she slaps a palm to her forehead.
"What?" he croaks.
"I mean, uh, no, there's really no good way to explain that. But Oliver, you have ordered some of the strangest things that I never knew existed - and I would have been happy knowing that none of it existed in the first place - but I can never un-see those creepy baby wigs. And don't get me started on the logistical problems of having a thousand live ladybugs delivered to someone else's apartment! And-"
"Okay, okay, I get the idea."
Felicity abruptly snaps her mouth shut and fixes him with her best frosty glare. "Good. Don't do it again."
"I promise, I will never have a thousand live ladybugs delivered to your apartment ever again," Oliver repeats solemnly.
"Ugh!" She throws her arms up in the air. "You are the most frustrating person I've ever met. Forget it."
She storms back to her own apartment and slams the door behind her, but she swears she can hear him chuckling at her through the barrier.
XXX
A week later, Felicity thinks that she's finally through. It's over. There have been no more weird deliveries at any and all times of the day and night. It's about time. Oliver must have learned that using other people's addresses is wrong. Especially when you use said address to send weird stuff that the recipient doesn't even get to keep.
She's waiting for her pizza to be delivered, but just as she's about to jump into the shower there's a knock at the door. She hastily wraps a towel around herself and hurries to answer it. She's not expecting anyone, but Barry or Iris are known to drop by on their way home from work sometimes. Or maybe the people at the pizza place have really stepped up their game.
Nope.
Esteban, her least favourite UPS delivery person, stands on the other side. He's got a pretty grumpy look on his weathered face, as per usual, but seems to perk up when he sees her.
Which may have something to do with the skimpy towel she's currently wearing.
Gross.
Esteban is nearing retirement and reminds her of a large, wrinkly bulldog. He leers at her and she glares back at him, clutching her towel to her chest. It seems that he's forgotten why he's even there until she reminds him.
"Oh, right, yeah, I've got a package for you here." He gestures behind him and Felicity gapes because it's huge.
"Holy shit. What is that?"
Esteban shoots her a confused look. "Didn't you order this?" He looks back at the packing slip, then at the information on his handheld device.
Felicity shakes her head faintly. The package is nearing the ceiling and she wonders how he even got it inside the building, let alone into the elevator and up four storeys.
"Sign here," he says, ignoring her dazed look, and she distractedly signs her name and hands it back. "You need help bringing it into your apartment?"
That snaps her back to reality. "No! Nope, no help heeded. I've got a very… generous neighbour. He'll be more than happy to lend a hand."
Esteban looks quite disappointed but nods and leaves with a wave and one last glance at her cleavage. She definitely needs that shower after that.
But first.
"Oliver Queen!" she shouts, banging a fist on his door. "Open up right this second!"
The door swings open straightaway and she wonders if he was waiting on the other side.
He's dressed in athletic shorts and a sweaty grey t-shirt. Her eyes are immediately drawn to the darkened fabric and the way it clings to his chest. Hm. Maybe she has a new favourite Oliver Queen.
Then she shakes her head. Nah. But this one is definitely at the top of this list. Way above the Weirdly Patterned Shirt Oliver Queen that she'd caught sight of the other day.
Forcefully dragging her eyes away from those glorious muscles, she discovers that his eyes are dragging up and down her body. She feels his gaze almost like a brand, trails of fire following the path his darkening eyes take. A shudder races down her spine and a muscle twitches in his clenched jaw before he rakes his eyes back to hers.
"Felicity." His voice is rough and deeper than she's ever heard it. The tone causes heat to rush southward in her body.
Opening her mouth, nothing comes out, which must be a first for her. It's hard to remember a time when she was at a loss for words. But then she catches sight of the ginormous box in the hallway behind her and she remembers why she's even over here, in a fracking towel, in the first place.
"Oliver, what is this?" Her voice comes out annoyed, which is good. She is annoyed. Very annoyed. Annoyed and not attracted to her dumb pine tree neighbour who think's her apartment is his own personal P.O. box.
"Pardon?" He shakes his head, a puzzled look crossing his face, before he takes in the box. "Oh. That."
"Yes. That," she parrots back. "That giant box of god knows what that you had delivered to my apartment. Again."
"Well, it would have been embarrassing to have it delivered to my apartment," he rallies back and Felicity's mouth drops open in response.
"Embarrassing? What the hell is it, a giant penis statue?"
Oliver bursts out laughing, and Felicity is completely taken aback. He can laugh. And man is it sexy. She had no idea the sight of a man laughing could be such a turn on. But his eyes are all crinkly and the tendons in his neck flex and his arms, good grief she could go on and on about those arms…
"No, it's not a giant penis statue. But- Well, look, I can explain. For real this time. Do you want to come in? I'll show you what's in the box."
Felicity stares at him for a moment, before nodding decisively. Finally! These stupid deliveries have been a mystery that's been bugging her for months. She hates mysteries.
"Okay," she agrees, then remembers that she's basically naked and her shower is still running. "Actually. I'm just gonna, uh- I'll just quickly throw some clothes on?"
Oliver looks like he actually does mind, but he just nods his head. "I'll bring this in so I can show you," he says, gesturing to the latest delivery.
She nods in agreement then quickly escapes back into the safety of her apartment. After throwing on some leggings and a sweater, and regrettably turning off the shower, she treks back across the hallway, unreasonably excited to finally understand why Oliver has become Google's most profitable customer.
The giant box is gone.
What's inside it?
Felicity herself could have fit inside and possibly Oliver as well. She wracks her brain trying to think of the strangest thing he could have bought that would fit into a box that big. If she gets it right, she decides, she'll treat herself to a glass of the new wine she bought for special occasions.
She knocks as possibilities run through her head, but he answers so quickly that she isn't able to even come up with one idea.
"Hi," she says, startled.
"Hi. Come on in." He steps back to let her pass and she takes in the room as he shuts the door behind her. She's never actually been inside his apartment. It's surprisingly neat for a single guy living on his own. It's also pretty sterile.
"Do you want something to drink?" He moves past her towards the kitchen, which she knows because his apartment is an exact mirror of her own. "I have beer, soda, water…?"
"Oh, uh, whatever you're having is good," she replies and he ducks into the kitchen with a nod.
She takes the time to wander around the living room. It's decorated in greys and browns, a large black leather couch dominating the room opposite a large flatscreen TV. There aren't many personal touches or photographs around. In fact, as she subtly peruses the space, there aren't any photographs at all.
The thought sends a thrill of panic through her.
Oliver is basically a stranger, despite the fact that they've been neighbours for over a year. What if he's some serial killer and she's finally taken the bait? He's successfully lured her into his apartment. Is he going to kill her now?
"Felicity?"
She yelps and jumps a mile because his voice comes from right behind her.
"Oh my God, Oliver! You need a bell, holy crap!"
He sheepishly smiles, handing her one of the two bottles in his hands. "Sorry. My sister's always telling me the same thing."
Sister. Hm. For some reason she thinks that Oliver would be a good big brother. And probably not a serial killer.
"I'm not a serial killer, Felicity," he says and she mentally curses herself.
"Oh course not! Why would you be? Why would I even say that, that's completely ridiculous." Raising the bottle to her lips she chugs nearly half the bottle in one go.
Oliver merely raises his eyebrows, not saying a word.
"So. Do I get to know what's with all the weird deliveries now? And what was in that crazy big box today?"
If she's not mistaken, a faint blush rises to Oliver's cheeks. A blush. It is adorable.
Oliver gestures to the couch and she settles at one end while he sits at the other. "It's really not that interesting," he says with a shake of his head.
"Oh come on, Oliver. Those things had to take some major brain power to find, not to mention that they've been constantly showing up on my doorstep for weeks! And I've gotten to know Bill and Susan and Esteban the Creeper pretty well. I'm actually going to miss Bill- he's such a sweetheart," she adds with a sigh.
Oliver raises his eyebrows, then shakes his head softly. "I really enjoy listening to you talk."
"What?" Felicity laughs. "Babble, you mean. And you enjoy it? It's usually completely mortifying."
"I like it. It's real. Unfiltered. You're completely honest and it's just- It's refreshing."
"If I'm refreshing, then I think you need to reevaluate who you're spending your time with."
"Lots of fake people," Oliver replies moodily. "Hence the ridiculous purchases."
Felicity furrows her brow, even as a secret thrill runs through her veins. Oliver likes her babbles. Oliver, her super-attractive neighbour, thinks that she's refreshingly honest. Felicity has been called lots of things, but that has never been one of them.
"All right then, Oliver. Enlighten me. What are you doing with all this stuff?" She gestures wildly, like all his weird purchases are lying around his living room, but as she does she realizes that none of it is here at all. Not even that crazy big box from today.
"It's a contest. With my best friend, Tommy." He raises his bottle to lis lips and takes a sip, then sets it on the coffee table and turns to face Felicity. "I moved here because of my sister. Thea," he explains, completely changing the topic. "She's nearly ten years younger than me and she's the most important person in my life."
"Okay," Felicity says slowly.
"She's been having a rough time this year, after my dad passed away. She got into drugs, got into some trouble at school and with the police, then spent some time in rehab. She's living with my mom and she's doing a lot better, but she never smiles anymore, never laughs. So Tommy and I, we decided to see which one of us could take her something that would make her laugh, really laugh, first. I went the "ridiculous things you can find on the internet" route."
If Felicity had had any expectations about Oliver, they were completely smashed to smithereens by that explanation. She'd never heard Oliver talk so much before and he looked so sad, talking about his sister, that she wanted to wrap him up in her arms.
She decides against that though, seeing as they're just getting to know each other. "And. Has anyone won yet?"
Oliver shakes his head. "No. But I think this latest one might do it. Thea loves pizza."
Felicity furrows her brow in confusion and Oliver gets up. "Be right back. I'll get it."
He comes back with two things in tow. One is a-
"It's a giant pizza raft. For in the pool. It came inflated and everything. What a steal." Oliver looks positively gleeful about this and Felicity can't hold back her grin. The raft is shaped like a triangle and topped with the traditional pepperoni and cheese.
"What's the other thing?" It's much smaller and kind of blanket-like?
"This is for you," he says holding it out to her with one hand.
What?
"For me?" she asks, thinking that she heard him wrong.
"As a thank you. For letting me use your address and for letting the delivery people think you were ordering so much strange shit online."
Reaching out, she takes it and holds it up in front of her. Then bursts out laughing because he must pay some attention to what's going on at her apartment.
"Oliver. Is this- is this a pizza onesie?"
His laugh is answer enough.
All the things mentioned in this piece actually exist and are things you can order online.
Raft here: Swimline-90645-6-Foot-5-Foot-Inflatable/dp/B00QMP7PQY
Onesie here: products/pizza-belovesie?utm_campaign=Pinterest+Buy+Button&utm_content=pinterest-buy-button-0249e067d-4847-431b-a3b4-fe0c68b7153e&utm_medium=Social&utm_source=Pinterest&variant=337997790 or here: p/_xSDydBVVY/?taken-by=italiaricci (take your pick!)