Returning Echoes

Disclaimer: I do not own, nor ever will own, Fullmetal Alchemist or the characters therein.

Chapter 4: Re-attachment and Affirmations

Ed opened his eyes and groaned. Damn but he hurt. Not just his shoulder but all over. Tired was his next thought followed by hunger until his stomach turned and he decided that hunger could wait. He knew from experience that his new port would be very painful for the next few weeks before it began to subside into the dull ache that could last anywhere from three to twelve months.

Ignoring the pain he rolled his shoulder and felt the familiar weight of an automail port. Turning his head carefully he tried to see the port but the angles were a bit hard for his head to manage so he gave it up for the moment. Another few days, maybe a week and then he would get the new arm to match the port and he could begin to feel more like himself again. Then…then he would face up to the whole female issue. If he was going to be honest with himself, he felt very unsettled by the whole gender change thing.

Deep down he thought of himself as male. It was hard to keep convincing yourself that when you saw breasts in the mirror and he had no doubt that the other major anatomical change was going to cause even more problems as well. He sighed.

He honestly did not blame Al. He knew Al was still carrying some guilt despite what Ed had told him the other day. That was something to put on his to do list. Sort out Al.

The sunlight was tinted orange through the window so it must be close to sunset he thought. He slowly turned on the bed and propped himself up on his elbow. He gritted his teeth as a wave of sweat broke out across his forehead. He panted gently for a few moments before trying to ease himself up higher. He hadn't forgotten how hurtful automail surgery was exactly, but time had certainly dulled his perception of the pain. He wondered how he had ever survived having two limbs replaced.

"Now you'll be able to compare it to childbirth, Ed."

Pinako's dry voice in the doorway had his head whipping around so fast he felt his whole back twist.

"Ow!" He hissed as his shoulder sent a jab of pain straight through his head and made his eyes water. "Dammit Granny! What are you trying to do? Kill me?"

"As if any comment of mine could lay you so low. You're much stronger than that, Ed." Pinako walked into the room and pushed the pillows behind him so he could relax back and remain upright. "I could ask what you were trying to do by moving around so soon after the surgery."

"You know I don't like staying in bed, Granny. And I need to go to the bathroom." Ed replied his voice trailing off as he realised he was going to have deal with his change again.

"Don't look so down, Ed." Pinako smiled at him. "You'll get used to all these changes and you'll find that they aren't as bad as you think they are."

"You were born like this, I wasn't." Ed groused. Pinako looked at him appraisingly and then nodded to herself. Offering Ed a bedpan would get it thrown back in her face. When he was younger, he had been confined to the bed for two full weeks after the surgery and the bedpan ritual had been his most hated time; this time he had two good legs and he was going to use them. Edward would always start exactly as he meant to go on.

"Wait here for a bit longer and let me make some arrangements." She grinned and disappeared.

True to her word, no more than fifteen minutes later she returned.

"Now. To the bathroom we go." Pinako helped him swing his legs around and place them on the floor without jarring his shoulder too much. He leant against her as he levered himself upwards, her wiry strength keeping him stable.

Sweat trickled down and he could feel his hair stuck to his neck and face. His shoulder throbbed and he pushed the pain away. Slowly, step by unsteady step they made their way from the bedroom to the bathroom. The free standing tub was nearly filled and steam rose from the heated, bubble covered water. Ed looked at it and almost drooled.

"First things first, Ed." Pinako manouevered him to the toilet and left him there after he refused her further help feeling more than a little humiliated. He still had on Winry's tank and his own boxers. They must have removed his trousers at some point after the operation. "Fine but you call me as soon as you're in the water," she commanded as she left the room.

Ed nodded after her. He was never going to get used to sitting down every time he needed to go no matter what the hag said. He finished and began to remove the tank top when he got stuck. The new port caught on the material and he ended up half tangled in the loose stretchy fabric. With only one arm he couldn't pull the material higher without tugging it and when he tried, he could feel the port pulling with it. He gritted his teeth at the stabbing pains that caused. With a reluctant sigh he called and the door opened with such alacrity it was obvious she had been waiting right outside.

"Ahh, let me help you with that. And I've sent Al and Winry out for a while so there'll be no-one to disturb us." Pinako said and reached up to ease the top from the port. Ed sighed as the material came free and twitched his shoulder in relief. Ed was trembling as she tossed the tank top into the wash basket and he gave up all modesty concerns as she tugged his boxers down. Stepping out of them and taking that last step to get into the bath was bringing him close to the limit of his strength. He held her shoulder tight and she supported his weight as he finally got his legs over the edge and literally collapsed into the hot water.

Ed leant back and closed his eyes. The water was hot and his shoulder pulsed in waves of pain. Five minutes passed before he stopped shaking. Pinako knelt behind him and pulled his hair out of its tail and began to wash it. Ed relaxed further into the tub and let the warmth ease itself into his aching and stressed body.

"Your hair is going to make the other women jealous, Ed." Pinako commented as she rinsed the long strands.

"Is that a good thing?" Ed asked his voice lazy and uninterested.

"Yes it is. I think most women are going to envy you Ed. You really lucked out in this change." Pinako twisted the now clean hair up into a loose knot and began to wipe a cloth around the new port, clearing the blood and disinfectant stains from metal and flesh alike.

"I really don't feel like a girl." Ed murmured for what felt like the hundredth time. The tension was seeping out of him with each swipe and his eyes were half closed. His mind was foggy and sleep beckoned. The continual strong pain was making him overly lethargic. He supposed it to be a coping mechanism. He remembered Al always wanting to cuddle up to anything soft if he was hurt.

"Too bad, because you are one." Pinako said with her usual bluntness. "Although to be accurate we should really say you are a young woman. You're too old to be a girl." She smirked. "And for the first time in your life, you're the right height for your age, squirt."

Ed's eyes flew open and he floundered in the water briefly, hissing as his shoulder pushed another spike of pain through him. "That's hardly fair Granny!"

"True but," was her quick retort. She took advantage of his re-awakened state and began to teach him some basic feminine hygiene involving a wash cloth, soap and a razor that had him blushing and horrified and being very thankful for the few bubbles that remained.

"I'll just get you something to wear and you can have some soup and then sleep." Pinako stood up and helped him stand, wrapping a towel around his shoulders and keeping him braced as he stepped out of the tub. Ed began to dry himself off slowly and carefully and was halfway done when she reappeared carrying a sleeveless top and baggy pants over one arm.

"C'mon girl, let's get you settled before the others get back." Ed looked startled at her words but realised the second he opened his mouth that anything he said was going to have no effect whatsoever.

Soon Ed was back in his bed with fresh clothes and fresh sheets and a bowl of hot soup. It was amazing how much better he felt. He slurped quietly as Pinako brushed his hair out.

"You should sleep well tonight, Ed and if all goes well and there is no fever we can try your arm in two days time. I know it's a bit soon after the port attachment but it's better to discover if your changed state will affect the automail now rather than later." She paused. "And then what will you do?"

Ed held the spoon in front of him and sighed making the soup move in waves from one side of the spoon to the other.

"Central, after I get used to the arm again." He looked over his shoulder at her. "After that, I don't know." He paused. "I know Al wants to stay here even though he hasn't said anything yet. But me … I don't know if I can settle down like that after just getting back. There are people I want to see, places I want to revisit."

Pinako looked at him understandingly. Four years had brought changes to them all and Ed needed to reaffirm his place in this world. No. Pinako thought suddenly. Ed needed to find her place in this world. The long golden hair that lay in her hands no longer belonged to the rash, proud, unselfish and headstrong boy she had known. Now it was the hair of a young woman with a whole raft of new challenges to face but who was no doubt still as unselfish and headstrong as her younger self. Maturity lay just below the surface of this new Edward Elric. Pinako had seen flashes of it and wondered if Ed kept it hidden because she thought people wanted the reassurance of seeing the old Edward.

"When your arm is attached we'll have to get you some new clothes." She said lightly. Ed had enough to consider, she didn't need more pressure no matter how well intentioned it was.

"You're smaller than Winry, so you'll need new underwear as well."

Ed looked horrified but resigned. He didn't try to hide his reluctance. He was fully aware that he did need some new clothes although Pinako's tone seemed to have the words 'a whole new wardrobe and then some' subliminally implanted in there somehow.

Edward spent the next day moving from his bed to the bathroom and back again. Pinako wouldn't let him come downstairs and insisted on his staying in bed even for meals. Ed could see the sense in her commands so he obeyed her even as he complained and cursed her. It was a game the two of them enjoyed immensely.

Al came and sat with him and Ed could see he was under orders 'not to distress the patient' so their talk was of lighter subjects or rather Ed had to listen to Al talk about how wonderful Winry was. Apparently their little excursion last night had let them both finally express themselves more fully than they had two days ago. When Al started to repeat himself for the third time Ed sent him out to find the object of his desires and then sank back into his pillows with a relieved smile.

Ed looked around the room. Now Al was gone there was nothing to occupy himself with. He had slept the morning away and although he was still tired, the pain was now a distraction that wouldn't let him go back to sleep again. What he wouldn't give for a book right now. His eyes caught on Al's suitcase and he grinned. He remembered it containing papers and books. Moving carefully he slipped out of bed and returned with the case. Settling it on his knees he opened it and his eyes widened at the wealth inside. Not only books but notes and journals. Oh yes this would be more than enough to keep him happy.

Ed had always known that his brother was gifted in alchemical theory but he hadn't realised just how brilliant he actually was. Al's notes were absolute masterpieces; they lifted the workings of alchemical process into the realm of pure mathematical magic and scientific genius. Even the theories Al had not finished were stunning. Ed became completely absorbed in his reading. Al had almost rewritten the whole basis of alchemy with his research. Ed was totally awestruck.

When Pinako came in with his dinner she had to shake him – very gently of course - by the port to make him aware of her presence.

Ed held his breath and gritted his teeth as the loud click echoed in his ears and his arm was locked into position. He shuddered as his nerves burnt like strands of fire through his shoulder and down his spine. Heat and pain flared behind his eyes and he grunted through a clenched jaw, the only sound he would allow himself to make. His flesh hand gripped tightly at the arm of the chair he was in and his feet were braced against the floor.

"She's fine Al," he heard Winry reassure his brother and he grimaced through another wave of pain. They were all starting to do it. He was becoming 'she' and he didn't know if he liked it. He still couldn't bring himself to do it.

He forced himself to take long slow breaths, refusing the urge to flex his fingers until the initial shock of connection had lessened. Then he turned his head to watch as he twitched and saw his fingers move one after the other. They were slender and almost delicate. Slowly he lifted his arm, wincing as the weight pulled at the port and saw the gleaming silver lines of the automail. It looked so different to his old one. He had never realised just how beautiful automail could be until now. He had always appreciated Winry's work and had known that her automail was the best he could ever have had. His arm and leg had never let him down, well except for that one time which they never spoke of. The quality of Winry's workmanship had saved his life more times than he could recall.

But this arm was slim and elegant. This arm was complete and seamless. They had placed the plates in such a manner as to minimise the joins and the smooth finish was perfection itself. It looked as if they had literally remade his flesh arm in living metal. He raised both hands and looked at them. Long slender fingers of flesh and steel. He stretched his arms out and marvelled at how alike they were. When he placed his palms together they were perfectly aligned. One steel, one flesh – whole. His eyes were wide in appreciation and awe at their craftsmanship and he couldn't find any words as he looked at them both standing there.

"It's alright, Ed," Pinako said, her voice uncharacteristically soft for once. "We know."

The pesky feeling of tears at the back of his eyes made him blink hard but his efforts were wasted when Winry and Pinako both put their arms around him and the tears slipped down his cheeks. When Al joined in the hug Ed couldn't help but let out a muffled sob as the tears kept coming and he was able to hold them all in his arms at last.

Any gratitude he felt disappeared the next day when Winry slammed into his room and threw an even dozen's worth of bags on his bed and said "Try these on. Now."

He looked at the bags and then at her and said "Why."

She hit him with her wrench.

Ed started changing.

Three hours later and it had been determined that she was now a size 12 in most things, that her cup size was 'B', that strong vibrant colours suited her best and that pastels were to be avoided. T-shirts and tank tops were acceptable but shorts were put on the 'maybe later' list. Ed discovered that jeans were his new best friend and that buttons on girls' shirts were on the wrong side. Dresses were met with approval from Winry and Pinako although the expression on Al's face rather scared him. Ed decided that dresses had to be the most disconcerting article of clothing there was. Unlike the comforting confines of jeans and trousers, dresses made him feel like he had an empty space beneath him. It was most unsettling. That was when boy-leg underwear became his second best friend and his bra the third even if it was the most hellish thing to do up.

Pinako was the one to introduce him to the inner workings of the bra after he got tangled in it for the third time. Winry had refused to help further and stalked from the room. Pinako and Ed had shared a look and a one-sided shrug before Pinako had closed the door and begun to explain the straps and hooks to Ed. Because of the new port and the inability of his fingers to work the small hooks together behind his back he could not put it on the normal way. So Pinako showed him how to latch the hooks with the bra on backwards before turning it around and then to slip his arms through the straps. It took him ten minutes. Pinako assured him that by the time his port didn't hurt and his fingers had regained their dexterity he would be much quicker and possibly even able to put it on with the usual method.

Ed had never thought that this one article of clothing could cause him more trouble than any of the others. His eyebrow had risen fractionally at the lace edging of the royal-blue fabric. Pinako had smiled knowingly as she loosened the right strap to ease the pressure it was putting on the automail port.

"Ed, a girl always has some lace on her lingerie." Pinako offered the advice with a sly smile. "It's amazing what a scrap of lace and silk can do for a woman's confidence. Especially when she's the only one who knows its there."

Ed's eyes opened wide as Pinako continued "There's a wider choice in Central. You should go shopping while you're there and have a good look around. Hopefully we have given you enough of a start for you to be able to formulate your own style. Because only you Ed, will ever truly know what feels right for you." Then she winked as she left the room. "Just don't forget the lace."

Ed finally reappeared wearing the new jeans, a t-shirt and a long sleeved over-shirt. His hands and feet were bare and gloves and shoes had been placed on the next order. Although he was comfortable with his automail here, he didn't like exposing it everywhere he went so most of his clothes had long sleeves or could be layered to conceal his arm. Hiding his arm was something he was very familiar with, but when Winry grabbed him and sat him down in front of a mirror he discovered a whole new facet to the word concealment.

Little boxes and tubes littered the table in front of him. Tiny palettes of colours and small brushes were scattered in some arcane pattern he couldn't discern.

"It's make-up, Ed. It highlights and emphasizes your features and hides imperfections." Winry said brightly as she looked at him in the mirror. Golden eyes went very wide and his face paled abruptly. Winry thought he might faint.

"No." His voice was flat. His face went as blank and expressionless as his voice. This was the last straw. He thought he had been more than obliging during the last few hours but now he was exhausted. He wanted to go to bed, his shoulder was killing him and he had had enough of 'girl-Ed' to last him the rest of the week. There was an almost evil glint in Winry's eye as she gestured at the table and he was not about to give in to Winry's little torture-fest.

"Ed." Winry pulled out her wrench.

He merely looked at her and repeated "No."

"But you have to Ed. All girls need to know…"

"This one doesn't, Winry." Ed's tone was determined. "Clothes I can understand and accept and my hair, even I can see the need for learning different styles for that, but makeup… no."

"But what if you get dressed up…"

"No. Winry, I'm not trying to be ungrateful. I realise that you and Granny are being really helpful about this whole situation and I am very thankful but I'm just not ready for this yet." And never will be he added silently.

Pinako and Al watched from the other side of the room. Pinako smiled. Here was the mature Ed she had seen the other day. One who faced the world with an honesty and a self-determination that nothing could deny. Ed was still feeling her way through this, her new world order – and she was going to do it on her own terms and no-one else's. Winry was not going to win this one, she just didn't know it yet.

Al was having a different problem. It had started the very moment he had seen Ed in that first dress. Ever since Ed's return, Al had known of the gender change. He had seen the differences in Ed's gait and form and heard it every time in his voice. But that dress. Thin straps to a draping neckline had revealed a long elegant line to Ed's neck and throat, slim shoulders had tapered to an even slimmer waist and the material had flared over slender hips to fall against two very shapely legs. With the waist length golden hair and the fine delicate facial features - that was the moment of Al's epiphany. That was the moment theory and cerebral understanding transmuted into emotional recognition and attachment. Ed was a girl, Ed was his brother. Brother became Sister.

"I have a sister." He murmured the same words he had used that first night but this time it was one of acceptance, of acknowledgement. He walked across the room straight through the continuing argument and put his arms around her, his sister.

"Sister" was all he said as he hugged her close. Ed looked rather startled but he heard the unspoken thoughts in Al's voice. They had always been able to convey so much to each other with very few words and this was no exception. Al said 'Sister' but Ed heard a fading echo of 'Brother' and understood all the meanings behind it.

He wrapped his arms around Al and replied simply "Yes."

Ed was kept in his room for the next three days. Pinako would allow him to come down stairs for meals but the rest of the time he was confined to bed. He spent the time sleeping, reading Al's notes and doing his therapy.

Winry got around his refusal to have anything to do with makeup by teaching him how to style his hair. Then she and Pinako decided that braiding his hair would be good therapy for him, especially French braiding. Ed would sit in front of the mirror and try to get the strands collected in even segments while his shoulders ached and his hair got caught in the finger joints. It took him two days to successfully complete his first – crooked - full French braid. And he was still pulling strands of hair out of his fingers half an hour later. When Pinako took the braid out and made him do it again the walls shook with the screams.

Al's notes were the best pain relief he could have found. While his nerves adjusted and continued to graft themselves further into the port inserts with their consistent burning and twitching, he could escape the pain by reading. By the time he had sped-read his way through half of the loose notes he had stopped and gone right back to the beginning again, this time slowing down to appreciate and acknowledge every single word. He found himself methodically categorising each page as he finished it and small piles were building up on the desk in the corner of the room.

Every night before sleep, Ed would talk to Al about what he had read and they would discuss alchemy like they used to many years ago. But this time there was no urgency in their discussions. No more 'find the answer or else' pressures, this was two highly intelligent young people talking about a subject that was more than a passion for both of them.

They stayed away from discussing the array Al had used. Both realised they weren't ready to face that yet. But there was still plenty to keep them occupied. Ed was reluctant to attempt any alchemy until his nerve connections had stabilised further. He had done alchemy before when his ports had been damaged and that was not an experience he wished to repeat any time soon.

Pinako limited their talk time to two hours and threatened them with separate rooms after the first night when she found them trying to draw circles at three in the morning. Drawing circles with his new arm then became another form of therapy for Ed.

Drawing the circles helped him more than he wanted to admit. It was another way to confirm that he really was back where he belonged.

Ed had been back for just over a week. He lay in his bed early one morning and sighed. He felt tired and irritable. His shoulder hurt and his head ached slightly. He could hear Al snoring from the other side of the room and was tempted to smother him with a pillow. His stomach grumbled but he didn't feel hungry. He rolled his shoulder and felt it twinge and wondered if he was on the verge of a fever. He really didn't feel right today.

Maybe he had been pushing himself too hard. After all he'd only had the new arm for five days and the port for two more. He had been using his arm at every chance he could, he had refused to miss any of his therapy. Braiding and circles had helped his dexterity immensely and the light weight lifting had begun to re-strengthen the muscles around his port. He worked hard despite the pain. His shoulder was starting to respond, he could feel it. There had been one moment yesterday when he had suddenly felt it click inside him and he had been overwhelmed with a sense of familiarity. This was how it was supposed to feel. He set himself a goal. Another three weeks and he was going to be able to do alchemy again. By that time his nerves should be almost totally integrated with the port and the likelihood of a painful backlash greatly reduced.

Slipping from the bed in his t-shirt and sleep pants he grabbed some fresh clothes and headed to the bathroom. He checked in the mirror but he didn't seem to be flushed or red and his skin felt cool to the touch. He was getting used to seeing his face as it actually was now rather than mentally superimposing his old visage over it. He untied his hair from the knot he kept it in for sleeping and shook it free. It was down past his waist now when it hung loose and he bit his lip at the thought of maybe getting it trimmed… just a little bit.

Ed stood under the hot water and let it flow over him. He still didn't feel well but he didn't want to worry anyone, especially Al. Something was bothering Al and Ed had no idea what it was. Last night during their usual alchemy-time Ed had gotten the feeling that Al was hiding something from him. They had been discussing alchemical formulae for the manipulation of silicate bases when Ed had felt Al withdraw slightly. They had always been sensitive to each other but age had brought a measure of tact to Ed so he had said nothing and let Al lead the conversation into a different area. But he couldn't see what could've made Al uneasy; after all they had discussed much more controversial and certainly illegal subjects when they were younger.

He frowned as he watched condensation slide down the shower tiles before turning the taps off and stepping out of the shower. He felt irritable again as he towelled himself dry. He was getting more used to his new body too. He didn't jump every time he saw it in the mirror anymore although he would avoid looking unless he absolutely had to.

His new body was somewhat less of a mystery to him now. A few days ago he had stood in front of the mirror and studied his naked body. He had catalogued each change. From the longer line of his neck to the slimmer arm and legs. Muscle definition had disappeared and been hidden under smoother softer planes of flesh. His skin had become a pale gold all over. The slender lines of his body gave an impression of contained elegance. The breasts still intrigued him. The automail port lay just above the swell of the right one. Winry and Pinako had contoured the port so as to avoid causing a misalignment between his breasts. His belly was flat and flared into his slender hips. The golden tangle of pubic curls was softer than he remembered as well there being the matter of a missing member. His first reaction had been one of horror. Moreso than the breasts that he now had, seeing that he no longer had the ultimate symbol of masculinity totally unnerved him. This was the one aspect of the whole change that seemed the most unnatural to him.

But all things considered, Pinako was right. He had indeed lucked out in this change. He didn't see himself as particularly attractive or beautiful but at least he could go out without being totally embarrassed. He was proportional and he had to admit, he was rather pleased with his legs now. Being able to walk barefoot again, and to hear two proper normal footsteps and not one clanking metallic one was wonderful to him. Al had done brilliantly and Ed was going to make sure Al knew that. When he saw Al next, it would be the first thing he was going to do.

He walked back to their bedroom and found Al had obviously woken up and gone downstairs for breakfast. He'd made his bed but had left Ed's as it was. He could've made mine, Ed thought irritably, forgetting that he was supposed to make his own bed as part of his therapy, as he left the room and headed to the kitchen.

Author's Note: Thank you once again to all who have read and reviewed the previous chapters and who are hopefully still enjoying my story - slow building though it is. And the chapters are getting longer.

And as always, thank you to the ones who reviewed Chapter 3 - Bar-Ohki (don't worry, Ed's going to find out ALL about them …lol), catwwomen47(their meeting is going to be...fun...lol), Glue Project (Ed will always tease Winry, I think its genetic...lol), hiya24 (glad you enjoyed), Jackalyn (Roy's got a bad feeling, it makes him worry), N James The Diehard Dishrag (of course I'll mention you, you reviewed...lol... but yes, knowing that someone reads and takes the time to review makes it all worthwhile), Prozacfairy (Roy is going to get a bit of a shock when he meets Ed...lol), RemyofAkyre (more is coming...lol). It is always much appreciated by me.

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